Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

@beachcitygirl
OP has now stated several times that she's fine with the older kids getting time just with their dad.
The problem is that the younger ones are not deemed worthy of the exact same thing.

Well actually the younger kids do get time with just their dad (unless of course he works constantly) because obviously they do live with him.

The issue is that the OP isn't too keen on it always being all the kids when they go out.

[quote forfucksakenett]@aSofaNearYou this is tedious. I do have children. I understand parenting ffs lol - well as well as anyone. You're describing normal child behaviour. It doesn't mean it's not a good day out and people can't bond and spend quality time with each other.

The older child, age dependent of course, can be taught not to run off, you could put the two year old in a buggy or trike. Surely it's a case of saying okay here are the potential problems and this is what we are going to do to minimise them to make sure it's a decent day?

[/quote]
I'm not talking about parenting any children, I'm talking about step children. It is different.

If I had two children I would absolutely raise the eldest to understand the younger will need more supervision and they need to be responsible and not run off constantly. Not so easy with a step child. For one thing, most of the time (in his other home) this is not the case for him and those messages are not being reinforced. We have always had a lot of trouble getting DSS to remember any of the values and lessons that we try to instil in him, no matter how much we make them the focus. He has ADHD, is very much a child who does not listen very much (this is his core personality trait in both of his homes and school setting), and is also has a naturally attention seeking trait. I say that last as someone that was similar at that age, not to judge him. He will purposefully run off to get people to have to follow him. This is how he behaves on every day out. Believe me, we have tried to teach him not to do this.

Yes I could put DD in a pushchair and look after her by myself all day, but that's not fixing the DP spending time with her issue.

And to be fair the op said she was fine with the older kids getting time with their dad occassionally.

Yes god forbid the kids get to actually leave the house with their dad 🙄
And what's wrong with the younger ones getting the same occasionally?

@aSofaNearYou well that's a difficult situation but does that not arises from his special needs and not because he's a stepchild?

A quick look on the special needs board will tell you that siblings often suffer because kids with special needs are more demanding of time. Obviously that's your experience but I wouldn't say that transfers across most step families.

@Youseethethingis I'm assuming that they do given that they live with him but hey I've been accused of assuming too much already.

[quote forfucksakenett]@aSofaNearYou well that's a difficult situation but does that not arises from his special needs and not because he's a stepchild?

A quick look on the special needs board will tell you that siblings often suffer because kids with special needs are more demanding of time. Obviously that's your experience but I wouldn't say that transfers across most step families. [/quote]
Both, I would say. Step families present the largely unique scenario where the child lives primarily elsewhere, which makes getting your messages across a much more difficult and slow process. This is a common experience whether there are special needs involved or not.

@beachcitygirl

Ok OP. Let's look at it this way. They are ALL his kids. As your kids are ALL your kids. The way to look at it is this. How would you feel if your dh took one of your two kids somewhere nice & not the other. So a play park & picnic with one child & not the other. Your other child knows this nice thing happened for their sibling & is sad. How do you feel now?

Tell the truth, if only to yourself.

That is how he feels. All the time, every time.

Ok beachcitygirl, let's look at it this way... The way to look at this is... To read the thread before commenting.

@forfucksakenett

And to be fair the op said she was fine with the older kids getting time with their dad occassionally.

She said occasionally as that's all she's asking for with her own DC, as she has explained to you several times.

@aSofaNearYou well to use your example sorcifically I think most people reinforce basic safety messages when raising their children. That being said if you are very unlucky then even that could be undermined.

I am more than happy for him to spend time doing something more centred around older children occasionally with his older DC.

This was the OPs exact wording @AintNoMaryPoppins

Specifically

[quote Youseethethingis]@beachcitygirl
OP has now stated several times that she's fine with the older kids getting time just with their dad.
The problem is that the younger ones are not deemed worthy of the exact same thing.[/quote]
That's not what I said or suggested, actually. I know she's said that & I don't actually think she's wrong for wanting some time with just her little family, BUT I think she should consider what it would feel like if her dh took ONE of HER little ones & not the other. NOT taking his older kids somewhere. He sounds a great dad & OP sounds thoughtful & kind.

To give some understanding of how he's feeling, OP seems reasonable & has posted on here trying to figure it out, a blended family isn't bloody easy. I'm a SM & my daughter has additional needs & it can all be a sodding minefield. I can't even buy her a bar of chocolate without his guilt playing up

Op on these days out when dsc are included, could you take the time with your dsc & leave your dc with dh?

If your answer to that is a No! I want it to be "just us"
then I do genuinely think you need to have a wee think about how best to approach it, as I have been that soldier and this is a war you will
Not win, even if you win a single battle.

That's why I literally suggested thinking outside the box. Why not let DH take one of your kids somewhere nice & see how it feels for you & other dc. Just to feel the feelings.

I hope it works out for you, it's no joke.

[quote forfucksakenett]@aSofaNearYou well to use your example sorcifically I think most people reinforce basic safety messages when raising their children. That being said if you are very unlucky then even that could be undermined.

I am more than happy for him to spend time doing something more centred around older children occasionally with his older DC.

This was the OPs exact wording @AintNoMaryPoppins [/quote]
Because she'd been asked if she'd mind, as she's explained to you

@AintNoMaryPoppins you're very rude. I did read the full thread, & unlike you I've not been fighting with every second poster. Everyone else has managed to keep civil, you may want to try it.

And she said she wouldn't mind it occasionally which seems a bit controlling to me but hey ho. Nit pick away.

BUT I think she should consider what it would feel like if her dh took ONE of HER little ones & not the other. NOT taking his older kids somewhere

She did say if one of her DC was elsewhere she would go out with the other on their own.

All I think though when I read this is do you really never do anything with your kids individually or when they aren't all there? That's quite a normal thing to do even in nuclear families.

@forfucksakenett

And she said she wouldn't mind it occasionally which seems a bit controlling to me but hey ho. Nit pick away.

Because she was asked if she'd mind the situation in reverse... What are you finding difficult?

OP wants to take her DC out alone occasionally, OP was asked if she'd mind if her husband did the same with older kids, OP answers no I wouldn't mind if he took them out alone occasionally.

It's not hard.

@AintNoMaryPoppins I'm not sure it's me that's finding this difficult tbh.

[quote forfucksakenett]@aSofaNearYou well to use your example sorcifically I think most people reinforce basic safety messages when raising their children. That being said if you are very unlucky then even that could be undermined.

I am more than happy for him to spend time doing something more centred around older children occasionally with his older DC.

This was the OPs exact wording @AintNoMaryPoppins [/quote]
You would think they would try, but it seems a bit dismissive to not acknowledge all the people reporting a similar experience (including OP) on the basis that you don't believe there are many children out there that either aren't very safety conscious, or deliberately run off despite that, or whose dad themselves create the dynamic where they are only paying attention to the older one's (often out of guilt). That's a lot of variables that can very easily lead to this kind of dynamic.

I did acknowledge it in the post you quoted @aSofaNearYou and the OP hadn't said a word about mixed parenting messages. She's just said she feels her children are sidelined.

[quote forfucksakenett]@AintNoMaryPoppins I'm not sure it's me that's finding this difficult tbh. [/quote]
If you say so.

@forfucksakenett

I did acknowledge it in the post you quoted *@aSofaNearYou* and the OP hadn't said a word about mixed parenting messages. She's just said she feels her children are sidelined.

I asked OP early on if her dynamic was similar to mine, and she said it was.

@AintNoMaryPoppins There's no reasoning with some.