Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

This post may get you flamed.

So no it's not unreasonable but also neither is DH wanting DSC to tag alone. It's kinda some of one and some of another.

Depends on the activity I supposed and if DSC would enjoy it age gaps ect- trip to Tesco's would be a bit over kill to drag two kids out (sarcasm disclaimer)

Does he feel like he sees SC enough ? how much contact he has ? I would get to the root cause of why he's doing it and see if fixing that might make him ease up a bit.

I sense this is dad guilt and it maybe cropping up in other areas and making the whole situation seem bit bigger thing than it is ?

I would approach why he does he do it all the time and be open to what he says.

We have them 50% of the time. 3 one week and 4 the other. But because we live so close it allows for quite a lot of flexibility with things like this.

Does she ask to have them on his contact days when she decides to do something which she wishes to include them in?

They have an equal split of time so both parents have ample opportunity to make plans with their DC.

How does she feel about him interfering on her time? Down time doing nothing much is normal, healthy and essential. If they’re hanging out at mum’s watching tv and dad messages to say you’re planning a trip to the cinema or something is she pleased or annoyed at the kids being tempted away?

Her feelings aren’t your problem but I wonder how this plays out.

He has half the week for family time with, there’s no reason why your child shouldn’t get some time with dad by themself/themselves. Does he expect to put life on hold for your DC when their half siblings aren’t there?

How big is the age gap? Ours is pretty big which has good and bad sides. DSC aren’t bothered by trips to a farm while DD is a toddler, so we do that sort of thing when they’re not here and they’re not missing much.

They are all his children, that's why. Honestly barely a day goes by without a stepmum posts something akin to this.

A dad of 3 will want all his kids with him on a trip out, your joint dc is no more important than the other 2

Does she ask to have them on his contact days when she decides to do something which she wishes to include them in?

No but she doesn't have other children so doesn't do things that would massively appeal to kids on her time I guess.

I don't actually think his ex cares. He always goes through her, never asks the kids directly, and she has always seemed happy enough for them to go if they aren't doing anything with her.

Age gap toddler to mid & older primary.

@motogogo

They are all his children, that's why. Honestly barely a day goes by without a stepmum posts something akin to this.

A dad of 3 will want all his kids with him on a trip out, your joint dc is no more important than the other 2

Are you a step mum ? Just curious ....

It's the whole faff around it too sometimes. The waiting around to see if she'll reply, if not he might try and ring and then we'll hold back setting off yet just in case and on and on. I feel like saying for godsake just leave the alone to have their time with their Mum.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting time with you, DH and DC. You have SDC 50% of the time already, so it's not like they don't see both parents regularly.

Your SDC get to spend time with their mum (and partner if she has one?) without any other children being there, so why shouldn't you be allowed the same courtesy.

It would be completely different if SDC were only around EOW, and DH felt guilty and wanted to include them more, but with these extra invitations on top of the 50/50 base, you and DH have them more than their mother.

In order for your DC to have a day out with you, it should be perfectly acceptable for their father to come without insisting on DSC coming. He might think it's wonderful that you never get any outings with your own DC and husband, but you don't, and there's a fair balance where you can meet in the middle, where sometimes they come, sometimes they don't. Your feelings matter equally.

I think the only way to approach it is to point out that he's taking away her time with them and perhaps it's not fair when he did it last wk too.
But if she doesn't mind and the kids are happy to come and you're not being stopped from doing something your toddler would enjoy (so he's not saying we can't go to X because the older ones wouldn't want to do it) then I think it's probably a matter of better organisation

or boundaries.
Do X and Y want to come to the zoo, booking tickets now so let me know in next hour etx

I suppose it will be tricky to broach the subject with him, as inviting his bio children seems to be his automatic response to plans.

He obviously loves all of his biological children equally and wants them to grow up with closeness and good memories with each other, which to be fair is commendable. Childhood doesn't last forever etc.

Before too long the older children will lose interest in the younger step siblings so you'll get plenty of time in the future.

However, right now it's obvious annoying for you.

How about you basically make it about what's best for the youngest children, eg doing something age appropriate without the older children dominating will be better for them, so can he please hold off inviting the other children at least half the time / this occasion / sometimes.

I think what annoys you the most is him leaving it till the last minute and you all having to waste time waiting for a reply.

That's the part you need to discuss and address.

Just tell him it makes you feel stressed anxious and undervalued in some way and that your life feels controlled in a way you are not now feeling comfortable with.

I'm in the position of being the ex and my ex contacts my teen DC directly and just suddenly appears to take them out for the day with no one having informed me.

I find it annoying, selfish and arrogant.

I would never stop them from going but I do wonder if his new partner gets annoyed with this at her end especially as they have a young DC. If I was her I'd be so annoyed.

It sounds like you're more annoyed by the fact they're there and that you don't get days out as a family without the DSC, rather than the hassle of him texting/calling and waiting on a reply?

To me they are completely separate issues with different solutions so would be good to get it clear in your head before discussing it.

If it genuinely is the last minute-ness and hanging about for a reply, it's simple, you just say you're happy for them to come but needs to be organised in advance and give the mum a bit more notice.

If the latter it's a whole other conversation with a less simple solution!

It’s natural for him to want his children with him when doing something he thinks they’ll enjoy. You might be the ex one day and you’ll hopefully be glad your children have a father who loves to be with them.

It’s natural for him to want his children with him when doing something he thinks they’ll enjoy. You might be the ex one day and you’ll hopefully be glad your children have a father who loves to be with them.
God but this type of sanctimonious comment gets my eyes rolling so far back in my head! I just can't with it & I'm speaking as a dm not a sm!

Yes, he loves his dc but this type of behaviour is to benefit the dad & not the dc.
My exh used to do this & it drove me mad & totally unsettled my dc - they'd get used to dad offering things last minute & then on weeks where exh was really busy they'd be sitting around waiting for a phone call & the offer of something more exciting to do. I put a stop to it as it was very unfair on all involved bar exh!
This carry on is to assuage dad guilt & with a 50/50 arrangement it is even more unnecessary as he has ample time to organise stuff for when the dc are with him.
@HennyK I'm not sure how you tackle it though as in my case it was me, the dm, who stopped it & I think if the dm is just giving in all the time you will have a battle on your hands.

@parkerpop

It sounds like you're more annoyed by the fact they're there and that you don't get days out as a family without the DSC, rather than the hassle of him texting/calling and waiting on a reply?

To me they are completely separate issues with different solutions so would be good to get it clear in your head before discussing it.

If it genuinely is the last minute-ness and hanging about for a reply, it's simple, you just say you're happy for them to come but needs to be organised in advance and give the mum a bit more notice.

If the latter it's a whole other conversation with a less simple solution!

It's both.

Yes I'd like to be able to do the odd thing just us.

No, I don't think you're a cow for wanting this.
We had a 50:50 arrangement with DH's older kids but did lots just with our DD when they were at Mums.
I think it's a fair point not to keep interrupting theirs Mums time too (regardless of her being fine with it).

Yes I'd like to be able to do the odd thing just us. thing is though OP, your family is you, your DH and your joint DC. his family is you, him, and all of his DC. So in the same way that you say you would like to do things as a family, so would he. Except that to him, that family is different because it includes children which are his and not yours.

Personally I’ve never agreed with this idea that we call time with one or other parent “contact time” children have two parents. They spend time with one or the other, it’s not a case of having to have defined time with each and there never be any variation.

Do the children enjoy going places with you? If they were reluctant to go then I could see the issue, but if they’re happy to go, then really I don’t actually see a way you can bring this up without it looking as if you’re rejecting his DC.

Also....do the DSC ever spend time just with DH.

Because they get days out with just their DM (and partner) where the sole focus is them. But your DC never get days out with their DM (and husband) without their half siblings.

If DH took DSC out independently sometimes, then you would get some time for you and your DC. Then you can go out with DH when DSC have gone home, and they haven't missed anything, or need to be brought along for your trip, because they've had their own dedicated time, and yours get the same.

Not a step-mum, but a step-child. We were raised to understand the importance of doing things separately as well as together as a blended family, and it never did any harm. Tell your DH to stick to the contact plan as is.

Before too long the older children will lose interest in the younger step siblings so you'll get plenty of time in the future.

Half sibling, not step sibling. And you can’t possibly know they’ll lose interest so that’s just nasty.

If we had 50/50 I would 💯 not want them on our time and it should be quality time with mum and our quality time with toddler. Unless it was a big activity that wouldn't be repeated or holiday etc i wouldn't be standing for it

Think about it this way: if you were going somewhere nice, wouldn’t you want all your children with you?

It’s the same for him.

I would find this infuriating, especially if it messes up/delays plans. No matter how much you like your DSCs, it changes the dynamic when you have older kids with a toddler. And I can absolutely see why OP wants some time just for her small child.

Two thoughts. One - organise some things just for you and your kids, with that reasoning. That it’s not fair on the little ones never to be able to have the attention to do their “thing” and you want them to have that. And secondly, Covid rules are your friend here; so many things require tickets and times booked well in advance. This is surely the perfect get out sometimes? “Oh, I booked 4 tickets for 2.30 and now they’re sold out”…..

Unless it's something exceptional like you're going to a theme park I don't think you should be taking them on their mothers time as you're already 50/50. Just going to cinema or something isn't enough to warrant it imo.