Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

We hear so much about fathers not being interested in their children or being active in nurturing that relationship it seems odd to be criticising one who is.

I think it'd be nice if he'd occasionally consider our DC having fun with him on their own too 🤷‍♀️

I don't know what the dynamic is like for you OP, but for us when DSS is here and we go out it is basically like me and toddler DD having a day out, and DP and DSS having a day out. Due to the age gap, meaning different walking speeds/areas of playgrounds etc, DSS being used to being an only child and therefore used to constant supervision without the distraction of a younger child, and also him being in a phase of running off in order to get people to follow him, my DP has no choice but to spend the whole time chasing after him. So he doesn't really get to spend any time with DD.

This is a dynamic that is somewhat unique to step families, as in normal families DSS would have been raised with different expectations, and the two parents would naturally split duties as both children are both of theirs. As such, the need for time with dad and just RC is unique. It also fits in perfectly with a split contact schedule for the SC. Everyone's needs are met. Denying that is just selfishness on his part.

YANBU tell him you do things together even they are with you but they don't need to be invited every time you go out

@helpfulperson

We hear so much about fathers not being interested in their children or being active in nurturing that relationship it seems odd to be criticising one who is.

Okay but what about our children? Or do they not matter as much?

@aSofaNearYou

I think it'd be nice if he'd occasionally consider our DC having fun with him on their own too 🤷‍♀️

I don't know what the dynamic is like for you OP, but for us when DSS is here and we go out it is basically like me and toddler DD having a day out, and DP and DSS having a day out. Due to the age gap, meaning different walking speeds/areas of playgrounds etc, DSS being used to being an only child and therefore used to constant supervision without the distraction of a younger child, and also him being in a phase of running off in order to get people to follow him, my DP has no choice but to spend the whole time chasing after him. So he doesn't really get to spend any time with DD.

This is a dynamic that is somewhat unique to step families, as in normal families DSS would have been raised with different expectations, and the two parents would naturally split duties as both children are both of theirs. As such, the need for time with dad and just RC is unique. It also fits in perfectly with a split contact schedule for the SC. Everyone's needs are met. Denying that is just selfishness on his part.

Yes it's similar with us. Meaning our DC are never his focus.

@helpfulperson

We hear so much about fathers not being interested in their children or being active in nurturing that relationship it seems odd to be criticising one who is.

What? He and his ex have an equal amount of time with their DC already.

It’s the square root of fuck all to OP that lots of other parents are disengaged and crap.

She wants to know who’s going to he in her home on any given day and to occasionally have a day out with her own DC when her DSC are with their other parent.

Her husband chose to have a child with her, not another child with his ex. That means he knows their family is made up of different parts and will therefore have different needs. He always knew his older DC would be with their mother half the week.

If he wasn’t prepared to engage in family life with OP and his younger DC without his older ones he had no business having another child.

@helpfulperson

We hear so much about fathers not being interested in their children or being active in nurturing that relationship it seems odd to be criticising one who is.

Maybe something to do with the fact that you are hearing that from different people, and these are seperate issues?

I think you’re being perfectly fair. The waiting around would annoy me too and I don’t think it’s very fair on your step children’s mum to keep interrupting her weekends. I could understand if it was a birthday trip or a really exciting day out, but I don’t think they need to come away from their mum on her weekend to go for a walk with you

Perhaps a starting point would be to say to your husband that if he is going to invite all of the children out at the weekend then could he contact their mum (and get an answer) the night before? Then at least you will know whether or not they are coming and you can plan accordingly. That will work for ‘bigger’ trips that are planned in advance and anything smaller (like a walk, as you said) could just be the 4 of you.

I understand what you’re saying. I’m a stepmum too and remember the days hanging around waiting for plans to be authorised by someone else. It must be hard though, arranging a day out for two of your children knowing that your third child would love to go. Your DH loves all his children. Imagine having to leave one of your two behind on a nice day out.. Generally it sounds like your blended family is quite easy going and flexible about doing things together with all the children. I think that’s nice. I think the arrangements need to be done better, more in advance. Less of the last minute decisions.

I don't know what the dynamic is like for you OP, but for us when DSS is here and we go out it is basically like me and toddler DD having a day out, and DP and DSS having a day out.

This post has nailed it.
It isn't him just including his kids together with everyone else. It changes the pace / choice of activities and they will obviously want most of DP's attention. Half the time my DD doesn't even get a nap time when we do stuff all together, they just get caught up in their own thing.

Would you be happy for him to take his children out without your joint child, especially as they get older? So if he takes them say to a fun fair or a duck pond would it be ok with uou if he left your child behind? Becayse that’s what you’re asking him to do.

It’s difficult, I understand why you’d prefer it to be just your small family unit, but for him his family unit inc all his kids and he wants to treat them all equally. Plus he sees yours seven nights a week, but his other kids only half the time.

It’s not an easy message to give him without looking like you want to reject his kids.

@Bluntness100

Would you be happy for him to take his children out without your joint child, especially as they get older? So if he takes them say to a fun fair or a duck pond would it be ok with uou if he left your child behind? Becayse that’s what you’re asking him to do.

It’s difficult, I understand why you’d prefer it to be just your small family unit, but for him his family unit inc all his kids and he wants to treat them all equally. Plus he sees yours seven nights a week, but his other kids only half the time.

It’s not an easy message to give him without looking like you want to reject his kids.

I've already said above I would, and he does take DSC out alone quite a lot to their hobbies which he stays for and sometimes gets tea with them on the way home.

The two aren't really comparable though are they. I wouldn't suggest leaving our DSC sat in our house alone whilst we took younger ones out. But they aren't with us, they aren't supposed to be with us and they are with their other parent. If our DC was at my mum's house for example, and he said you know what I think we should go to the park with DSC because the weather is nice, I'd not have an issue with that at all and I wouldn't be ringing my Mum to check if DC wanted to come too, because they are busy... At hers.

The OP is presumably capable of both respecting her DH for wanting to spend time with his DC with his ex and still wanting time with him and her DC on NC weekends without them being invited.

OP, I’d either address this head on and be straight or raise it casually next time he wants to invite them on something ordinary, like a walk. Say something about it’s just a walk, let’s not bother the SC or their mother, and it’d be nice for your DC to have time alive with their parents so you can go at their pace. Then build up on it gradually.

Time alone, not alive, although obviously the alive bit is mandatory

I don’t think taking them to hobbies is comparable, no. There would be no reason for your child to go to that. It would be odd.

It’s clearly you’re very defensive and feel strongly about this, so you’re going to have to try to calm yourself down snd when you get to that place take a calm discussion with him, just now I think it would result in a fight, because you’re already snipping at strangers on line. With him it would be much more difficult as you’ll both be defensive.

For him he will your child going out with their siblings for the day as one blended family. You see it as a them and us. It will need to be dealt with as your resentment of his children will continue to grow.

I really don't resent his children. I'm not sure why that is always the default on here for anyone who agrees with anything other than the perfect all together, all the time family set up.

Whether the DSC were mine or not I would still like it if his younger children could spend some quality time together. It would be harder in a nuclear family because the other children would be there all of the time. Right now we have the perfect opportunity for him to occasionally just spend some nice time with his younger DC without upsetting his older DC (because why would they need to know we'd gone on a walk anyway?).

I am more than happy for him to spend time doing something more centred around older children occasionally with his older DC. I have never suggested he doesn't nor stopped him from doing so. He doesn't do it often but that's up to him, it's not something I've said I'd be unhappy about him doing.

She’s not defensive at all

And as for “calm yourself down”…

OP might be a step mum but she’s perfectly entitled to feelings and opinions too.

And as sofa said, it changes the entire dynamic of the day and ends up being me with our DC and him off doing something else with older DC i.e. walking ahead, playing in the water, climbing a tree or whatever. If it was just our younger kids every now and then maybe they'd get chance to have Daddy paddle in the water with them, rather than further out with their siblings and so on.

I'm not asking him to take our DC to Disney World.

She’s not defensive at all. We see on here stories where too often the new partner is solo parenting her dc because dad is focussed on his dc with ex- maybe the op can handle that every second weekend but not all of the time every weekend.

“We are doing X today at X time. Let me know if the kids want to join us by X time otherwise we will go without them.”

Problem solved.

He's in effect saying they (SDC) can go for trips out without me (when with their mother and partner)

But I can't have a trip out without them. And by my preferences, this means OP can never have a day with just our children and me, their father.

And I'd get it, if like OP said, this was Disney world. But this is one picnic, or a walk. SDC live there 50% of the time already, and OP did not sign up for 100% of her children's free time with Daddy being shared with his prior children, who should be with their mother on those days.

Oh the poor DSC being "left behind" - how dare their younger siblings leave the house when they are with their own mother... Boo fucking hoo
If ever a thread proved that theres just no reasoning with some people, this is it.
OP, I sincerely hope your DH is not one of those people.

@cs98127634

“We are doing X today at X time. Let me know if the kids want to join us by X time otherwise we will go without them.”

Problem solved.

It's not problem solved because as I've said, I don't always want them to come with us (when they are at their mum's).

The OP isn’t at all defensive and she’d already said that she’d be happy for him to take his older children out to somewhere more suited to them. So she’s not really ‘snipping at strangers’, she’s repeating something she’s already said...

I have 4 kids 2 older and 2 younger a fair gap between them. My older 2 used to go to their dads some weekends so I’d take the little ones to age appropriate places for them with their dad. I didn’t ask older boys to come and I’d take them out themselves too. No one is missing out on something, we did plenty the 6 of us too. But some babyish things are just not fun for older kids. And my older 2 did stuff at their dads too. It’s nice your dp wants to include the older 2 but I agree it’s also nice to spend time with your little ones as a four, it doesn’t mean that you won’t/don’t do stuff altogether or don’t want to see them. If he wants to see his kids more he needs to ask.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I’m not a step mum although my kids have one - older 2 and 2 little siblings they didn’t ask for them on my time but if they were having a special day out or whatever of course I’d allow it. I think you need to have a sensible chat about this.