Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

BUT I think she should consider what it would feel like if her dh took ONE of HER little ones & not the other. NOT taking his older kids somewhere. He sounds a great dad & OP sounds thoughtful & kind
He's not being thoughtful or kind to anyone. All his DC are missing out on quality time with a parent somewhere along the line because this dude cant just deal with his own guilty daddy issues on his own time instead of taking from everyone else in the equation.

@motogogo

They are all his children, that's why. Honestly barely a day goes by without a stepmum posts something akin to this.

A dad of 3 will want all his kids with him on a trip out, your joint dc is no more important than the other 2

Well by your logic surely the OP's 2 children should be going on every single trip that the Mother makes with her 3 children as no one as you say is more important than the other. No? thought not. I get very very weary of hearing BM's dictating rules to SM's that no sane woman in any society would be expected to follow but when a woman becomes a SM she also has to become a doormat. Of course she can go out for the day with her kids and OH if she chooses to. Why is the SM subjected to so much guilt over something that no other Mother even has to think about, and just when has she said that her children are more important. That is your projection not the OP's Give the girl a break for GS

Well if they knew their stepmother was posting on a public forum asking for advice on how to get her husband to spend less time with them then I'd assume they'd feel pretty hard done by

It's actually wanting them to spend less what should be their mother's contact time with them. I'd feel pretty hard done by if my mother only had me 50% of the time and sent me off for continual days out with dad when I should be with her.

@forfucksakenett

And she said she wouldn't mind it occasionally which seems a bit controlling to me but hey ho. Nit pick away.

FGS if there is more than one child of different then yes 'occasionally' you will do something that is more centered to the older ones. This does happen in 'normal' families that have children of differing ages. What the OP means in fairness is that occasionally others have to come first too, not just her husbands kids. But hey ho, she is a SM so therefore it must be controlling because God forbid her own children have any fun.

Your post doesn’t make sense @katie9998

And the SDC’s mother isn’t dictating anything here.

Shes not prompting the SDC accompanying the Dad on his NC time. He is. And presumably she asks the SDC if they want to go.

Your first post I mean.

@DuchessDarty

Your first post I mean.

Sorry, should have been clearer, the Father isn’t insisting that the two children go on every trip that his ex takes her kids on but logically that is what should happen for the sake of fairness

But part of being a separated parent is accepting that your children have lives which don’t always include you, and that is fine, and they are not always involved with what you are doing

Its clear that the OP’s DH hasn’t got his head around this yet.

Lol at it being logical for the OP’s DC to go on every trip the ex takes the DSC on for the sake of fairness.

I suspect whoever is talking about fairness means fairness from a child’s own parents.

Also, the DH isn’t insisting. He’s inviting, but when the DSC are busy with their mother, he and the OP still take their DC out (at least if they don’t, the OP hasn’t said that).

Anyway, it may all be fine. The OP has now acknowledged the helpful advice she received and is going to raise it with her DH. Maybe he’ll understand and stop inviting them so much when they’re with their mother.

There is a lot of discussion here about the value of living full time with one’s father. Is it really an advantage, does it by default provide quality time, etc.

Why do adults move in together, get married, set up a joint household? Because they want to share the day-to-day of life, right? To go through the motions of living together? To experience their loved one’s regular presence in their home through their possessions/traces/choices of objects, even if that loved one is at shift work or not there at bedtime? To build shared memories of the mundane? Otherwise they could live apart and just share the highlights of “quality time” on vacations and outings.

Does this not count when it’s a parent and a child?

Does this not count when it’s a parent and a child?

Absolutely not in the way that it does for adults.

DTwins weren't up by the time DH went to work. He might catch them before bed tonight, but he's picking up something on the way home from work. So most likely won't. On the days he does get home in time, it will only be for half an hour. They go to bed by 7.

DH and I have a meal. We talk about our days. Put the TV on. Potter about. Take a cup of tea up to bed.

We as adults have some great quality time.

DTwins don't. Neither would any other child that was here. Mine, his, or the neighbours! They'd get quality time with just me.

DTwins see him at the weekends. The fact he lives here while they are asleep, does not equate to what we do at the weekends with them.

For OP, her DH and ex, by choosing to separate, accepted that there will be time with the DC in their homes, and time without. If they didn't accept that, they should have stuck together as one of those couples who are together just for the children. Because that's essentially what the husband is doing. I must dedicate no time to my new partner and child without bringing my other child along, one child must be present at all times my partner wishes to spend social time together with another child. SDC can have one to one time with me, as I take them to hobbies and dinner. My other DC? Zero one to one. Not even a walk to the park. Think of the poor SDC having to accept he does the same for DC. Imagine if they thought this child was equal to them.

He made his decision to leave the ex and child. OP started a family with someone who had a DC 50% resident. He's now changing that to 50% resident plus 100% of social time, and for some reason, the ex doesn't mind the child she already doesn't have for half of his life, leaving her even more.

The DH is so far in the wrong here. He is massively disregarding his own child, then gaslighting OP that it's her not liking the other.

Excellent post @TwinsAndTrifle

OP, what you need to say is:

"DH, you spend time one to one, with 'Fred' taking him to hobbies, then for tea. You do this without his mother because you are not her partner. What will you be doing for 'John' as his one to one time, which I can be there for because I am your partner. This is around the things we do for Fred and John together, which we can a enjoy. Fred gets his sibling plus parent time. John gets his sibling plus parent time. Fred gets his one to one parent time. What shall we do for John so we are treating them equally?"

He is confusing what his child wants and needs independently from him, with what he thinks you want him to do for you. I say confusing. It's not a difficult concept.

This would piss me off too.

If you go to B&Q and the kids have to be dragged there do the Skids have to come too? Nope.