Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

[quote forfucksakenett]@aSofaNearYou no I'm giving my opinion as I'm entitled to do. You are entitled to disagree. You don't have to become abusive with it [/quote]
Don't need to in your opinion. I'm entitled to mine! 🤷‍♀️

@HennyK

yes absolutely but also bear in mind that your current thinking is tempered by the fact that you are a stepmother and therefore understand her (hypothetical) resentments perfectly. If you were not then you would probably not understand and be quite upset.

I will, but bear in mind yours is tempered by the fact you seem to have had a bad experience of being a stepchild.

No not a bad experience at the time but as I got older I realised a bit more that it hadn't been what I thought.

Your stepchildren will (hopefully) be your stepchildren for your whole life. I'm just saying that your behaviours and actions now will have consequences forever.

@aSofaNearYou okay doke. Thank God for you taking no shit from SC on this thread. Champion of stepmothers everywhere! Other opinions? Not for me thanks. 👍🏻

@aSofaNearYou okay doke. Thank God for you taking no shit from SC on this thread. Champion of stepmothers everywhere! Other opinions? Not for me thanks.

Other tired, ill informed opinions that are constantly used to batter step parents on here and have no basis in an actual, logical view of the situation? Yeah, that's not for me. But you're as free to share them as I am to point out how much of an irritating cliche they are.

He has access to his children 50% of the time. Maybe he doesn't think that is actually enough and wants more. He has 100% access to your joint child which suits you fine. I can see why you personally would rather have time without the DSC but actually I don't think he is doing anything wrong.

[quote aSofaNearYou]**@aSofaNearYou okay doke. Thank God for you taking no shit from SC on this thread. Champion of stepmothers everywhere! Other opinions? Not for me thanks.

Other tired, ill informed opinions that are constantly used to batter step parents on here and have no basis in an actual, logical view of the situation? Yeah, that's not for me. But you're as free to share them as I am to point out how much of an irritating cliche they are.[/quote]
It's not tired and I'll informed. You just don't like it. It's a point of view informed from my own experience as I've said. You don't have to like other people's opinions b it they exist whether you recognise them or not.

@kirinm

He has access to his children 50% of the time. Maybe he doesn't think that is actually enough and wants more. He has 100% access to your joint child which suits you fine. I can see why you personally would rather have time without the DSC but actually I don't think he is doing anything wrong.

Access and quality time with are different.

I have "access" to my children 100% of the time when I'm not working 5 days a week. I don't really count that as spending quality time with them, that's just life.

Maybe he doesn't think that is actually enough and wants more

But the children do also need to spend time with their mother so you kind of need to accept that if you're going to separate from the other parent or your child you don't get to have access to them 100% of the time (unless in case of an absent other parent).

I'm sure most people wouldn't like to have their kids less than full time. But that's what happens when you split with their other parent.

And you can't say OP has to bear in mind her bias but then refuse to bear in mind your own @forfucksakenett your experience may not have been awful but it's clear, as you've referenced it several times, that it has coloured your view on step families.

It's not tired and I'll informed. You just don't like it. It's a point of view informed from my own experience as I've said. You don't have to like other people's opinions b it they exist whether you recognise them or not.

It's tired to say that OP must be resentful of her SC to not want to pull them out of their contact time with their other parent to come every time they leave the house. It's tired to say they MUST be aware of this resentment and the SC are the only people capable of missing out or suffering in this scenario.

And it's ill informed to say that this is just what it's like being with someone with kids. It categorically is not, the vast majority of kids with seperated parents spend half or more of their time with their mum.

Does that help?

@AintNoMaryPoppins I have said twice that my own experience has coloured my opinion.

@aSofaNearYou

It's not tired and I'll informed. You just don't like it. It's a point of view informed from my own experience as I've said. You don't have to like other people's opinions b it they exist whether you recognise them or not.

It's tired to say that OP must be resentful of her SC to not want to pull them out of their contact time with their other parent to come every time they leave the house. It's tired to say they MUST be aware of this resentment and the SC are the only people capable of missing out or suffering in this scenario.

And it's ill informed to say that this is just what it's like being with someone with kids. It categorically is not, the vast majority of kids with seperated parents spend half or more of their time with their mum.

Does that help?

The OP is literally about her feelings of resentment in relation to DH wanting to spend more time with his other kids.

Hope that helps.

The OP is literally about her feelings of resentment in relation to DH wanting to spend more time with his other kids

I read it more as resenting that he never spends any quality time with their younger DC.

I've asked this a couple of times but do you honestly think it's okay that Dad doesn't pay attention to his younger DC when they are out and doing something fun? I don't get how anyone could think that was reasonable simply because he lives in the same house 100% of the time.

And I've answered many times that it's clear he needs to look at his parenting.

Does quality time only ever occur on days out? I would suggest that genuine quality time can happen anywhere.

He has 100% contact with his children with the OP.

Why can't the DSC miss out on the NON QUALITY TIME of a walk or trip to the park sometimes then?

@forfucksakenett

And I've answered many times that it's clear he needs to look at his parenting.

But which is it?

Because in one breath you say it's reasonable he invite his DSC everywhere AND that likely ALWAYS means his attention will be on them because he can't leave them with OP whilst he focuses on his younger, but then you say it's unreasonable of him not to pay attention to his younger DC and he needs to look at his parenting.

If he can't pay attention to his younger DC with the older ones there, which you said was likely always to happen, then surely it's reasonable that he spends separate time with his younger?

@forfucksakenett

Does quality time only ever occur on days out? I would suggest that genuine quality time can happen anywhere.

He has 100% contact with his children with the OP.

I think most people agree getting out and doing something fun with your DC, even as small as feeding the ducks or going for cake is different than being at home and the normal grind of the working week. Yes I have lovely moments at home too but I cherish time out doing fun things with my DC and they do too.

Maybe it is also something to do with the fact you live close by? If kids lived further away it would be easier to justify not inviting them but if they're a street or two away, that becomes harder to do?

@forfucksakenett give it up! You're like a dog with a bone!
He doesn't have 100% contact if a) he's working & b) sidelining his younger dc when the older ones are around.
Being a rp involves a lot of grunt work & my exh has as much quality time, if not more, with our dc than I do because when he's with them he can focus on them because he works around them.

@AintNoMaryPoppins under normal circumstances it would make sense that IF the family unit had to split up on a day out that the OP would deal with her children and he his. Just because that's what would feel more natural to all.

That clearly isn't working for them and in these circumstances which are no longer normal due to the building resentment It would make sense then to try and solve the problem by doing things where they won't split up in that way.

I don't think he's unreasonable for inviting his other kids no. I don't think the OP is unreasonable for wanting her own children not to be sidelined. I think a better solution therefore would be to address his parenting rather than cutting the older kids out of trips they might enjoy.

[quote Magda72]@forfucksakenett give it up! You're like a dog with a bone!
He doesn't have 100% contact if a) he's working & b) sidelining his younger dc when the older ones are around.
Being a rp involves a lot of grunt work & my exh has as much quality time, if not more, with our dc than I do because when he's with them he can focus on them because he works around them.
[/quote]
Okay so by virtue of the fact I have a job I don't have 100% contact with my kids 👍🏻

Okay so by virtue of the fact I have a job I don't have 100% contact with my kids

Not in the sense that people on here make out no.

People make out that because he lives in the same house the Dad must therefore spend all of his time and have tonnes of quality time with the resident DC. Most working parents I'd imagine, understand that actually the week just flies by with things like work and school and all the rest of it and you can end up not actually spending what feels like quality time with your family until you step out of that and so something else. Surely that's why people love the weekend! Because it's chance to get away from everyday grind and do nice things that you enjoy and appreciate.

And tbh how does taking two extra kids to feed ducks for an hour amount to the OPs kids being ignored. He must be pretty useless if that's the case. This is a bit

Also, I don't know about your house but in ours things are split basically down the middle. My husband doesn't bath our kids and put them to bed every single night. Sometimes Dad does it, sometimes Mum does it, which is the same with DSC albeit in different homes.

I do understand that what you're saying is the resident DC get to live in the same house all the time but simply existing on the same home doesn't mean your constantly spending quality time with someone.

My Dad did shift work growing up, I barely saw him on his working days! For all you know it could be the same situation here.

@forfucksakenett

And tbh how does taking two extra kids to feed ducks for an hour amount to the OPs kids being ignored. He must be pretty useless if that's the case. This is a bit

She's already explained if you care to read.

I do understand that what you're saying is the resident DC get to live in the same house all the time but simply existing on the same home doesn't mean your constantly spending quality time with someone.

Depends on your definition of quality time. The resident kids get that lovely every day feel of security. They can have their dad through the night, they can have their dad most meal times, they have access. That is their home home. Mum and dad in their home. It won't be the same for the SC. It might not be bad necessarily but it certainly won't be the same.