Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

Because he doesn't have 100% access, whatever that means, to those particular children he ends up maximizing where possible every precious second with them.
The children he does have "100% access" too fall victim to the general truth that if something is free and plentiful it ends up being taken for granted and not valued nearly enough.

No child should be made to feel ‘thankful’ just because their parents are together, and just be expected to suck it up that their dad doesn’t spend any quality time with them because SC came first. They just have to be happy with the occasional bath and bedtime ...that is one way to breed resentment between children.

They can have their dad through the night, they can have their dad most meal times, they have access

You know OPs family then?

I lived with my mum and dad until they divorced when I was an older child.

My Dad worked night shifts a lot. I absolutely did not have access to him at night and meal times the majority of the time but according to some people here the fact I lived in the same house as he did , at opposite times, I was spending quality time with him.

We don't know OPs husband's job or their situation throughout the week so you can't make a generalisation like that at all. It's absolutely not uncommon for parents to work long hours and not make it home for bath time or whatever, you've no idea if he does that or not.

@AintNoMaryPoppins

Also, I don't know about your house but in ours things are split basically down the middle. My husband doesn't bath our kids and put them to bed every single night. Sometimes Dad does it, sometimes Mum does it, which is the same with DSC albeit in different homes.

I do understand that what you're saying is the resident DC get to live in the same house all the time but simply existing on the same home doesn't mean your constantly spending quality time with someone.

My Dad did shift work growing up, I barely saw him on his working days! For all you know it could be the same situation here.

He has them 50% of the time. I highly doubt that 50% of that time is quality time given he presumably works.

My husband's ex works 3 long shifts a week. So her 4 days off, or 3 as it's 50:50, are when she has the kids. If she had more children, they'd be spending near enough the same amount of time with her as my DSC do if she carried on working.

You are making assumptions based on nothing.

Okay. You're all correct. The OPs children are the victims here because their dad takes his older kids to feed the ducks or a walk with them.

Clearly that was the only appropriate response on this thread.

I highly doubt that 50% of that time is quality time given he presumably works

Oh but I thought he got loads of quality time with his youngest because he lives with them? He presumably works so surely a lot of that isn't quality time with his youngest either? Or does that only work one way as ever.

@Youseethethingis

Because he doesn't have 100% access, whatever that means, to those particular children he ends up maximizing where possible every precious second with them. The children he does have "100% access" too fall victim to the general truth that if something is free and plentiful it ends up being taken for granted and not valued nearly enough.

Why? Those kids are also there at the same time. I am at a loss to see how the SC are somehow gaining more than the resident children? They see their father (the same father) less.

And there is absolutely no value to a child in living with both their parents. Got it.

@forfucksakenett

Okay. You're all correct. The OPs children are the victims here because their dad takes his older kids to feed the ducks or a walk with them.

Clearly that was the only appropriate response on this thread.

Well you're being quite dramatic as that's not what anyone has said. But if you don't have anything to say to the points made I'll assume that's because you don't have an answer.

@forfucksakenett

And there is absolutely no value to a child in living with both their parents. Got it.

Again, no one has said that but the implication that because they do they just get tonnes of quality time with them and access at all hours to both parents is quite obviously not true in all cases.

@AintNoMaryPoppins

I highly doubt that 50% of that time is quality time given he presumably works

Oh but I thought he got loads of quality time with his youngest because he lives with them? He presumably works so surely a lot of that isn't quality time with his youngest either? Or does that only work one way as ever.

What are you even talking about? You're the one who brought up quality time. My point is that the father might want to spend more than 50% of his access time with his kids if his ex is happy with that. The OP thinks 50% of his time is sufficient despite the fact her own child benefits from 100% of the father's time.

An answer to your pint about your family? No not really. Beyond the fact that I agree we can never know someone's home circumstances.

It could be the complete opposite to your experience though couldn't it?

You're the one who brought up quality time. My point is that the father might want to spend more than 50% of his access time with his kids if his ex is happy with that. The OP thinks 50% of his time is sufficient despite the fact her own child benefits from 100% of the father's time

You said that the children don't get quality time with him for the whole 50% of the time because he presumably works. I just find it ironic that when you suggest the resident children likely don't get quality time with him all of the time simply because he lives with them because he works, that's not right.

@forfucksakenett

An answer to your pint about your family? No not really. Beyond the fact that I agree we can never know someone's home circumstances.

It could be the complete opposite to your experience though couldn't it?

It couldn't but I'm not the one making generalisations like they have access to him at night and most meal times, that was you.

It could*

My point was the simple fact he lives with his younger DC does not mean he absolutely must spend loads of time with them, bath them and put them to bed every night and just generally be available all of the time. That is not how it works for a lot of people, I know several families who don't work like that including my own and my DSCs Mum.

In my job, Law, it's actually a really common problem and one of the main reasons people leave because they don't feel they have a balance where they spend enough time with their family.

I'm not saying OPs situation is this, I'm saying you don't know what it is either so perhaps stop assuming you do.

@AintNoMaryPoppins okay sorry I don't realise that when the OP said the children lived with them I should assume that he was working night shift and didn't actually see the children at all. I should have qualified my post with all the possible variations of the family dynamic just so that I could avoid being accused of making presumptions.

[quote forfucksakenett]@AintNoMaryPoppins okay sorry I don't realise that when the OP said the children lived with them I should assume that he was working night shift and didn't actually see the children at all. I should have qualified my post with all the possible variations of the family dynamic just so that I could avoid being accused of making presumptions. [/quote]
Sigh. And you call other poster's defensive?

Just don't make generalisations and it won't invite other people to share their experiences of different variations of the same situation 🤷‍♀️

okay sorry I don't realise that when the OP said the children lived with them I should assume that he was working night shift and didn't actually see the children at all

You can still live with your children and work long hours 🤣

@AintNoMaryPoppins

My point was the simple fact he lives with his younger DC does not mean he absolutely must spend loads of time with them, bath them and put them to bed every night and just generally be available all of the time. That is not how it works for a lot of people, I know several families who don't work like that including my own and my DSCs Mum.

In my job, Law, it's actually a really common problem and one of the main reasons people leave because they don't feel they have a balance where they spend enough time with their family.

I'm not saying OPs situation is this, I'm saying you don't know what it is either so perhaps stop assuming you do.

But his other children live with him 50% of the time so unless that 50% is every weekend, they also get the standard working day parent time. They just get less of it then their half sibling(s).

Funnily enough my job is in law too and I've literally just had a conversation about how being back in the office will mean I'll likely miss bedtime a few times a week now. It is shit.

No I'm aware. I was attempting to be cheeky. Although according to a op that's exactly the case. I should sent have said he has 100% contact because he has a job

And I didn't tell you to assume anything. I told you to stop assuming things actually and gave examples as to why your assumptions may not be correct.

But his other children live with him 50% of the time so unless that 50% is every weekend, they also get the standard working day parent time. They just get less of it then their half sibling(s)

Yes and it OP was saying she wants this all the time I'd disagree with her but she's asking that occasionally he spend some time focusing on his younger DC because she feels he doesn't do it enough. Its not like she's asking for it all the time. She has also said she would encourage and be fine with her DH doing the same with his older DC too. So honestly what's wrong with that?

On the job front, yes it is shit! We are waiting to hear whether we'll be back full time in the office but I highly suspect we will be, I am dreading it.

Why? Those kids are also there at the same time. I am at a loss to see how the SC are somehow gaining more than the resident children? They see their father (the same father) less
If you click "see all" at the top of the thread, you will be able to read all OPs comments on what's actually going on in her family. This should help you understand.

I can't believe people are still arguing that the younger kids do not deserve proper quality time with their dad. WTF.