Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

@AintNoMaryPoppins

They are only "desperately sad" because people have unrealistic expectations when posting on them.

I like spending the alone with DH and our kids. I do not hate my step children and they aren't sad and neglected either.

According to your view of the situation. How can you possibly know what your stepchildren think or feel?

You might find yourself surprised.

How does anyone know how another person feels?

We can only go off what we are told and what we can see. And what I can see of my step children and what they tell both myself and their parents is that they are happy.

They love their siblings, they have a laugh with us, they speak to me all the time about various things, give me cuddles, do great at school and seem like all round happy, settled and loved kids. Me, DH and their Mum get on really well and regularly chat about them, we would all share if they ever said anything to the contrary, so until they tell us or behave otherwise, that's all we can go off same with anything.

I mean perhaps they are in fact emotionally scarred because me and their Dad may sometimes leave the house when they aren't here, what do I know I only know them in RL I obviously don't have as good a handle on the situation as a stranger on the internet.

[quote forfucksakenett]@aSofaNearYou I do have experience in this dynamic. You don't have to be a SM to have experience of a blended family [/quote]
Are you a stepfather? If not, you don't have the necessary experience to tell us what it's like when you marry a man with children.

My treatment of them is not affected because sometimes I value the time me DH and our kids have together.

According to your view of the situation. How can you possibly know what your stepchildren think or feel? You might find yourself surprised.

Oh I'm sorry, I thought simply being in a blended family made you an expert?

I see you've said earlier that you "always feel sorry for the step children" so your predisposed bias was pretty obvious off the bat.

Having the older DSC there just changes the dynamics of the day. The op doesn’t have any older children, so her interests are primarily with her young DC and she wants these little trips to be centred around them when the DSCs aren’t meant to be there on mum’s days. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I have 4 children. I know it’s not easy to juggle the different ages. Therefore I can hugely sympathise with the op wanting her actual child to have a trip out without having to juggle older ones who like I say, bring a very different dynamic. I love trips out with all of my children because I’m their mum, but it’s not easy! A stepmum would find it frustrating never getting quality time with just her child and having to always juggle stepchildren too.

ASofa

Not everyone here is talking as a birth parent or whatever you call it, a few have been stepchildren themselves.

Could be worth trying to take on board what they're saying (?)

Oh and there's not a predisposed bias from stepmothers 🤣 don't make me laugh.

Absolutely not an expert. Just offering my opinion on a public forum. Didn't realise I had to be a stepmother to comment. I thought that my experience as a stepchild allowed me to have an opinion?

I am part of a blended family and was absolutely polite and happy and so on. People constantly commented on how great our dynamic was. I was also, however, very aware of my SM's resentment of us although she went to great pains to hide it because she's a decent human being. This didn't make it any less hard on us though.

Of course your SC might be fabulously well adjusted and happy but they might not.

@KarenofSparta

ASofa

Not everyone here is talking as a birth parent or whatever you call it, a few have been stepchildren themselves.

Could be worth trying to take on board what they're saying (?)

I'm a step child

Well I truly hope you had a great experience OP. Not everyone does.

@KarenofSparta

Well I truly hope you had a great experience OP. Not everyone does.

Absolutely this. Even when everyone is lovely and supposedly trying it's a very difficult situation.

@KarenofSparta

ASofa

Not everyone here is talking as a birth parent or whatever you call it, a few have been stepchildren themselves.

Could be worth trying to take on board what they're saying (?)

Yes I'm aware of that thankyou, you might have missed my sarcasm. Believe me, we all spend plenty enough time listening to the SC perspective on here. I don't need to take it on board when what she's saying is the dad SHOULD interrupt the SCs contact time with their mum every time they so much as go for a walk, or they will be traumatised. That's just thick on so many levels.

@aSofaNearYou wow. There's no point on replying to you. Your horrible post speaks for itself.

Well I truly hope you had a great experience OP. Not everyone does

They don't I'm sure. They will all experience it differently which is why it's a bit much to say you always feel sorry for step children in practically every scenario as if the simple fact they are step children means they are always the badly done to ones never mind the actual situation discussed.

I'm sure my experience won't matter as it doesn't fit the whole absolute worst thing that can happen to a child narrative but my experience of being a step child was fine. I love my step dad so much, my step Mum isn't around anymore but she was ace too. I'm sure she probably enjoyed spending time alone with my Dad.

@forfucksakenett

Oh and there's not a predisposed bias from stepmothers 🤣 don't make me laugh.

Absolutely not an expert. Just offering my opinion on a public forum. Didn't realise I had to be a stepmother to comment. I thought that my experience as a stepchild allowed me to have an opinion?

I am part of a blended family and was absolutely polite and happy and so on. People constantly commented on how great our dynamic was. I was also, however, very aware of my SM's resentment of us although she went to great pains to hide it because she's a decent human being. This didn't make it any less hard on us though.

Of course your SC might be fabulously well adjusted and happy but they might not.

You don't have to be a step parent to comment but you certainly do have to be a step parent to make comments like "this is what happens when you marry someone with children" and have it taken seriously. The truth is, you do not know of the ins and outs of the dynamic for the adults unless you have been a step parent or their partner.

This conversation isn't really about whether the SC are perfectly happy generally, it's about whether the dad should be calling them out of contact time with their other parent every time he leaves the house to avoid them being sad. The answer to that question, is no, and if that IS the reason the SC are sad, then they need talking through those feelings because they are not rational or ultimately a reasonable thing to harbour resentment over.

I always feel sorry for the step children because generally they are the ones missing out on parental time and being moved from pillar to post. I do realise that that is a generalisation and doesn't fit for every situation.

[quote forfucksakenett]@aSofaNearYou wow. There's no point on replying to you. Your horrible post speaks for itself.[/quote]
Oh ffs.

If only you took that attitude to the thread generally. Respectfully, you're speaking out of your arse and you seem very upset about being called out on it.

*You don't have to be a step parent to comment but you certainly do have to be a step parent to make comments like "this is what happens when you marry someone with children" and have it taken seriously. The truth is, you do not know of the ins and outs of the dynamic for the adults unless you have been a step parent or their partner.

This conversation isn't really about whether the SC are perfectly happy generally, it's about whether the dad should be calling them out of contact time with their other parent every time he leaves the house to avoid them being sad. The answer to that question, is no, and if that IS the reason the SC are sad, then they need talking through those feelings because they are not rational or ultimately a reasonable thing to harbour resentment over.*

Given the tone and the general vibe of your posts I'm not interested in you taking me seriously to be honest. I also find your logic a bit flawed as well. All dynamics are different, all relationships are different and all people are different. Therefore I can offer my opinion on any topic I like. You don't know the ins and outs of all step families either by virtue of marrying a man with children. I am as entitled as you to comment.

@aSofaNearYou you are the most defensive poster I have ever encountered.

I am speaking out my arse because I'm giving an opinion from a SC perspective? Clearly I have hit a nerve. Apologies. Maybe the Step parenting board isn't for you if it's going to be so difficult.

I often think about these situations through different lenses too.

As a child would I perhaps have been upset at knowing my step mother didn't want me there all the time? Perhaps. Although how I would have known that I don't know as she was always perfectly nice and welcoming (as am I).

However as an adult I think, of course she didn't want me there all the time and it doesn't make her a bad person or wrong. I totally get it!

Given the tone and the general vibe of your posts I'm not interested in you taking me seriously to be honest. I also find your logic a bit flawed as well. All dynamics are different, all relationships are different and all people are different. Therefore I can offer my opinion on any topic I like. You don't know the ins and outs of all step families either by virtue of marrying a man with children. I am as entitled as you to comment.

The tone of my comments is lack of patience after years of dealing with people like you on this forum. You do rather lose the fucks to give about mincing your words.

You might not like my tone but I'm saying the same thing as everyone else that has responded to you. I'm sorry, but in this case you are talking out of your arse. You think my logic is flawed because I have only some experience, yet you are allowed to say something that is equally a massive generalisation about what these dynamics are like with NO experience, and that is valid? Hypocritical much. You said that this is how it is when you marry a man with children. I said, no it isn't. Who started the generalisations?

All dynamics are different, yes, but one where mum is constantly having her time with her children interrupted for things as mundane as a walk with their dad is bloody stupid. Talking about that as if it's what always and SHOULD happen, is even stupider.

@HennyK yes absolutely but also bear in mind that your current thinking is tempered by the fact that you are a stepmother and therefore understand her (hypothetical) resentments perfectly. If you were not then you would probably not understand and be quite upset.

It's horribly complex. I had a great relationship by my stepparent until I became a parent myself and then I realised that I had in fact been treated differently.

yes absolutely but also bear in mind that your current thinking is tempered by the fact that you are a stepmother and therefore understand her (hypothetical) resentments perfectly. If you were not then you would probably not understand and be quite upset.

I will, but bear in mind yours is tempered by the fact you seem to have had a bad experience of being a stepchild.

[quote forfucksakenett]@aSofaNearYou you are the most defensive poster I have ever encountered.

I am speaking out my arse because I'm giving an opinion from a SC perspective? Clearly I have hit a nerve. Apologies. Maybe the Step parenting board isn't for you if it's going to be so difficult. [/quote]
Maybe the step parenting forum isn't for me? I'm a step parent, I'm pretty sure it is 🙄 I'm not defensive, I'm honest and to the point about your posts. I've waded through thousands of such posts on this forum, as have all the other step parents here. After a certain point, I decided to stop being polite in my responses when people are trying to paint step parents as bad, resentful people, when they very clearly aren't. I am being no more unkind to you here than you have been to OP.

@aSofaNearYou no I'm giving my opinion as I'm entitled to do. You are entitled to disagree. You don't have to become abusive with it