Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

Okay well not much point in carrying on thence there? This is MN where, unless the OP comes back with more information and I really wouldn't expect her to, we have no choice but to debate/ discuss a topic without some level of assumption.

I can't believe people are still saying that the presence of his two older children impinges on his relationship with the younger two.

I think that better parenting is what's required here not the exclusion of the DSC.

I don't understand why your children specifically need time without their half siblings? Parents' attention is surely shared between the full siblings too.

You are treating your children as a unit and your stepchildren as a unit. This is very specific to you - they are most likely not separate 'units' to your husband or to the children. What about if your two children wanted time away from each other, why isn't that a consideration?

I guess it depends what you consider excluding.

I would consider it excluding if the DSC were meant to be there. Actually they are not, they are supposed to spending time with their mother. It's not exclusionary to do something without them if they aren't even there.

But isn't it absolutely fascinating that nobody seems to have a problem with the younger DC being "excluded" from time the father spends just with their elder siblings?

@proopher

I don't understand why your children specifically need time without their half siblings? Parents' attention is surely shared between the full siblings too.

You are treating your children as a unit and your stepchildren as a unit. This is very specific to you - they are most likely not separate 'units' to your husband or to the children. What about if your two children wanted time away from each other, why isn't that a consideration?

Read the thread more thoroughly and you will see why half sibling dynamics are often not the same as full siblings that are there full time, and why that results in parental attention not being split.

@Youseethethingis

But isn't it absolutely fascinating that nobody seems to have a problem with the younger DC being "excluded" from time the father spends just with their elder siblings?

Everyone does. Hence the comments re poor parenting.

@aSofaNearYou but as the pp said that's maybe only obvious to the OP and not her husband or children.

[quote forfucksakenett]@aSofaNearYou but as the pp said that's maybe only obvious to the OP and not her husband or children. [/quote]
Well he should notice that he never spends any time with his younger children when they all go out together. My DP is perfectly capable of noticing that.

And if he doesn't notice, all the more reason to listen to what OP is saying.

Everyone does. Hence the comments re poor parenting.

Pretty sure she was referencing the large amounts of one on one time OP says he has with the older kids.

@aSofaNearYou is she? I thought was a lift to a hobby and back with an occasional teA. Is that huge amounts of one on one time?

[quote forfucksakenett]@aSofaNearYou is she? I thought was a lift to a hobby and back with an occasional teA. Is that huge amounts of one on one time? [/quote]
Is the occasional walk?

Not at all. But he wants to invite his older kids and I don't see the problem with that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's interesting, genuinely don't remember anyone commenting anything to the effect of
"He shouldn't spend time with the DSC alone, the poor DC will feel excluded".
But I do recall comments saying the DSC will need quality time with their father because of the split.
Maybe thats my bias showing?
All the kids deserve quality time with their parents, the ideal time for him to spend quality time with the younger DC is when the elder are with their mother. That he chooses not too is a failure.

He does have to "exclude" and "leave behind" the younger DC in order to do that for the elder because he lives with them and that's how it is.
Where we agree is that he's clearly not capable of splitting himself equally between all the kids because time with one set is rarer and more valuable and time with the other set is common and not valued.
Failure.

@forfucksakenett

Not at all. But he wants to invite his older kids and I don't see the problem with that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well the problem has been explained a few times by OP.

It sounds like the older DC get quite a lot of one in one time with their Dad if they are out having tea with him quite a bit. Obviously he shouldn't be doing that. He needs to come straight home from the hobby and take all his kids out for tea.

@AintNoMaryPoppins sounds fair.

I think as I've said he needs to be a more thoughtful parent.

He needs to come straight home from the hobby and take all his kids out for tea
I think it's great that he does this with his older kids.
What is pissing me off is that the same care and attention begrudged for his younger kids.
That's just fucking shit, no matter how much people twist and turn and blether on.
They didn't choose for their parents to be together after all.

I think the blame here is lying with the presence of the older children rather than the parenting of the OP and the father.

I'm struggling to see how bringing two extra kids to feed the ducks means that he completely ignores the wee ones. That seems a bit weird does it not?

@aSofaNearYou surely that's then a problem with the OP's husband's parenting that needs to be addressed rather than the presence of the stepchildren

@forfucksakenett

I think the blame here is lying with the presence of the older children rather than the parenting of the OP and the father.

I'm struggling to see how bringing two extra kids to feed the ducks means that he completely ignores the wee ones. That seems a bit weird does it not?

I don't actually think it's uncommon at all sadly from reading here and my in life experiences. It seems a lot of father's feel the need to 'roll out the red carpet' to appease their guilt when it comes to step children and that often seems to lead to the resident DC being ignored or sidelined as OP said when they are there.

Well it's a husband problem then and not a DSC problem.

@forfucksakenett

I think the blame here is lying with the presence of the older children rather than the parenting of the OP and the father.

I'm struggling to see how bringing two extra kids to feed the ducks means that he completely ignores the wee ones. That seems a bit weird does it not?

Well that's where the lack of experience comes into it. Believe me, I would love it if my DP could stick around and help me while I'm carrying a struggling two year old up a steep hill, but unfortunately DSS, who is used to being the only child needing supervising, will have invariably run off around the corner meaning my DP needs to supervise him.

Ok OP. Let's look at it this way. They are ALL his kids. As your kids are ALL your kids.
The way to look at it is this.
How would you feel if your dh took one of your two kids somewhere nice & not the other.
So a play park & picnic with one child & not the other.
Your other child knows this nice thing happened for their sibling & is sad.
How do you feel now?

Tell the truth, if only to yourself.

That is how he feels. All the time, every time.

@aSofaNearYou this is tedious. I do have children. I understand parenting ffs lol - well as well as anyone. You're describing normal child behaviour. It doesn't mean it's not a good day out and people can't bond and spend quality time with each other.

The older child, age dependent of course, can be taught not to run off, you could put the two year old in a buggy or trike. Surely it's a case of saying okay here are the potential problems and this is what we are going to do to minimise them to make sure it's a decent day?

Or you could pass the two year old to your husband and go play with your step child?