Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Adult step kids

196 replies

Hotpot11 · 01/06/2021 21:32

Hi, I’m after some advice on adult step kids please. My partner has 3 sons. Ages between 20 & 24. They don’t live with us and never have. I wanted to see if there was any advice from people who might be in the same situation. I’m trying to find a balance of where the kids are welcome to come round against the need for my own privacy too. They just walk in the house and to me, they aren’t young kids who I have raised, I met them as adults and as they don’t live here is it unreasonable to say they need to knock before just walking in? Also they always want to come round and drink with their dad and make a night of it. They treat him like he’s their mate. But we are in our 40s & I don’t want to be having this in the house every weekend. Is this normal and am I supposed to give up my boundaries where I can’t get showered or dressed or intimate with my partner without worrying someone’s going to walk in? Am I supposed to not complain about the house being treated like a pub every weekend?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
nimbuscloud · 01/06/2021 21:35

Whose house is it?

Original poster
Hotpot11 · 01/06/2021 21:37

It’s my partners house but I live here. They don’t live here and never have.

OP posts:
justchecking1 · 01/06/2021 21:37

Has it ever been their home? Is it their dads house? If so, I'd say they need to inform you they're coming but perhaps don't need permission as such.

It may be that they tell their dad and he's not passing on the message?

If it's your house, then your rules, whatever you choose then to be

justchecking1 · 01/06/2021 21:39

Sorry, cross post. In that case I guess it's for their dad to have a word and to put some kind of rule in place around this that you can live with.

What does their dad say? Have you raised this with him?

Original poster
Hotpot11 · 01/06/2021 21:41

@justchecking1 I wouldn’t expect them to ask permission but just a heads up or knock first. And sometimes they tell their dad they are coming but sometimes they just walk in. Also every time they come round it’s always drink related and the house is full of beers and mess the next day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotpot11 · 01/06/2021 21:42

@justchecking1 he has said it to them a few times but they don’t seem to be bothered.

OP posts:
justchecking1 · 01/06/2021 21:46

In that case, get a new lock that needs a key to open from the outside rather than just pushing it open. And don't give them a key!

If your husband is on the same page as you but the DC just aren't listening then I'd remove the option to just walk in

justchecking1 · 01/06/2021 21:46

The mess and the noise etc are a whole other conversation....

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2021 21:49

I’d hate that. Do you and he let yourselves into their homes with no warning?

Why do they have keys if they’ve never lived there?

If he wants things to change he needs to take their keys off them. If he doesn’t he’s the problem.

BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 21:50

Your partner needs a new lock and to not give them the key. Every weekend is a lot, can he not go round there's every now and again? If you get to the stage you buy somewhere together you'll have more of a say but until then your DP needs to sort it unless he's not bothered.

AgeLikeWine · 01/06/2021 21:51

I understand why you would want some boundaries put in place, OP, but I think you should tread very, very carefully here.

You are his partner, not his wife. You are living in his house, not your house and these young people are his children, not his mates. You are not their step mum, you are their dad’s girlfriend. You may even be their dad’s ‘current girlfriend’. You are in a vulnerable position and it is not in your interests to say or do anything which might be interpreted as coming between them.

Elbie79 · 01/06/2021 21:52

YABU

His house. His kids. His rules - and his choice whether/how to enforce them.

You sound like really hard work.

BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 21:54

How long have you been together and how long have you been living there?

NannyAndJohn · 01/06/2021 21:54

Why do three adult males own keys to a property that is not theirs? That's the first thing I'd bring up with DH.

BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 21:55

Just wondering if they've seen him with so many women they have now lost all respect for them or maybe if you've been around for a while they might feel really comfortable with you so assume you don't mind.

NannyAndJohn · 01/06/2021 21:55

@Elbie79

YABU

His house. His kids. His rules - and his choice whether/how to enforce them.

You sound like really hard work.

They're a couple. It's their house. Their house.
Sittingonarock · 01/06/2021 21:55

Ignore @Elbie79 you don't sound like really hard work at all. You have a perfect right to privacy in your home. These adult children need to learn manners.

Aprilwasverywet · 01/06/2021 21:57

My adult dc don't knock but 90% of the time I know they are due at x time ish.
If my dh wasn't happy about them being here he wouldn't be here...
Dc don't stop being your dc once they hit 18.
And they aren't guests at their df's home so no need to knock.

lunar1 · 01/06/2021 21:57

Has he always had an open door policy for them?

Original poster
Hotpot11 · 01/06/2021 21:59

I have said he should go round to theirs sometimes if they want a big night. I have to respect he has kids but my boundaries need respecting too. 2 of them rent a house together and no we don’t have a key to their house. The youngest still lives with the mum.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/06/2021 22:01

I’d not tolerate a relationship where my own children had to ask to visit for fear of upsetting a dating partner.

It’s his house and their dad.

Amelia666 · 01/06/2021 22:03

If you’ve tried gently mentioning it and depending on how open he is to talk to and if that doesn’t work/he can’t see any problem then just anticipate any rough time they’ll usually rock up and just instigate some hot edging action/amazing bj which will “oh no!” be cut short before a happy ending by the sudden unannounced “unexpected” arrival... he’ll soon sort out a lock. Smile

Lollipopbubblegum · 01/06/2021 22:03

I have seen a similar dynamic with early 20 year old young relatives. Spending more time than is perhaps usual with their dad, a relationship more akin to a teenage one. My reading is that as children although they visited their dad their main home was always their mum's. I think there is something going on in terms of forging a stronger relationship once they are old enough and catching up some of the closeness that was missed in the divorce situation. I imagine a separated parent who has missed chunks of their lives will be relishing that they are choosing to hang out at weekend and see his house as a home. Definitely deal with managing privacy - and not leaving mess - but I would tread lightly otherwise.

aSofaNearYou · 01/06/2021 22:04

Regardless of the family relation I think anybody coming to a house that is not their own should give the courtesy of a heads up, or better yet checking that's alright with the other person, which would solve all of the issues here.

Lollypop701 · 01/06/2021 22:05

Yanbu per se but it’s tricky. I wouldn’t want upto 3 other people letting themselves in my house whenever they felt like it… you could be in the shower or whatever. It’s disrespectful to you. As is treating the house like a pub. You’re not a maid to clean up afterwards. You have a Dp problem as he’s allowing this. He may have had a lot of girlfriends and they’re not sure you’re going to stay (maybe him allowing this type of behaviour is why they didn’t stay?) if he is serious about you and him he needs to take them out and have a talk. Now Covid is easing up they can go to the pub!