Adult step kids

[Hotpot11]

Hi, I’m after some advice on adult step kids please. My partner has 3 sons. Ages between 20 & 24. They don’t live with us and never have. I wanted to see if there was any advice from people who might be in the same situation. I’m trying to find a balance of where the kids are welcome to come round against the need for my own privacy too. They just walk in the house and to me, they aren’t young kids who I have raised, I met them as adults and as they don’t live here is it unreasonable to say they need to knock before just walking in? Also they always want to come round and drink with their dad and make a night of it. They treat him like he’s their mate. But we are in our 40s & I don’t want to be having this in the house every weekend. Is this normal and am I supposed to give up my boundaries where I can’t get showered or dressed or intimate with my partner without worrying someone’s going to walk in? Am I supposed to not complain about the house being treated like a pub every weekend?

as they don’t live here is it unreasonable to say they need to knock before just walking in?

It's not unreasonable in isolation but be prepared for your partner to say it's unreasonable to him.

They're his kids, it doesn't matter if they're adults, they still are and always will be his children, he loves them more than anything. He might value having an open house to them above all else at which point you have to choose if you want to stay living with him in that way or not, or he may choose not to live with you if you complain about it.

Different families have different dynamic. You may have never just walked into your mums house after you moved out but that doesn't mean other people with different family relationships/dynamics don't. You going on about how your relationship is with your mum is really irrelevant here. If they've always been like this you can't just expect them to change just for you, there has to be compromise and adaptation - that's what relationships are about. But I wouldn't be surprised if he values his relationship with his kids above all else.

Ultimately how you want to live isn't unreasonable but how he wants to isn't either. You either have to compromise or if you can't maybe this relationship isn't the right one.

@Bibidy

My whole family is very open door and tbh I'd find it difficult if my father had a new partner and suddenly said that we had to knock etc. It would be an adjustment. It may change the dynamics somewhat.

I walk into my parents' house unannounced too, and always have. But very definitely if they split up and either of them had a new partner, I would be massively conscious of walking into that person's home without giving them a head's up, just in case I put them in an awkward position.

At the very least I'd ring the bell/shout hello as I let myself in. I wouldn't just walk in silently. God knows what I could see! LOL.

I just think I'd be conscious of the fact that it's this person's home, not mine, and they are not my parent so may not want me barging in at any time without warning. Not saying I'd always be pre-arranging my visits, but I would definitely make them aware I was about to enter the house.

I think some of that would depend on if the parent had bought a new house together with the new partner, moved into the new partners house or were still living in the original family home.

As I said, there'd defo be an adjustment if you've just walked into your family home for decades, and potentially been encouraged to, but now you can't treat it like that anymore.

It's still up to the dh to sort

Soapbox, yes I do agree it would definitely be harder if it was your childhood home for sure.

If they've always been like this you can't just expect them to change just for you, there has to be compromise and adaptation - that's what relationships are about
Why can't they compromise and ring the bell?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d not tolerate a relationship where my own children had to ask to visit for fear of upsetting a dating partner.

It’s his house and their dad.

Presumably you don't mind if people walk in on you shagging on the rug

If they've always been like this you can't just expect them to change just for you, there has to be compromise and adaptation - that's what relationships are about

So. Mob rule, hmmm? When the partner was with the sons' mother, I'd imagine the DM had significant input into how her home ran. The new partner deserves the same respect - because she is his partner, and, on top of this, she pays half the bills. Otherwise - what on earth is in it for her?

There are two very different problems here.

The walking in unannounced seems rude IMO (I am a step child who went to their dad's EOW and I would never do this as an adult). It's especially bad since their father has asked them not to. He needs to put his foot down.

The drinking together issue is different. If the father hasn't stopped this, assuming the OP has voiced her concerns, then she needs to decide whether she is willing to stay with a man who is happy with this arrangement even if his partner is not.

@Youseethethingis

Why can't they compromise and ring the bell?

Because this isn't a compromise with the kids that the OP needs to make. I said compromise in a relationship. This is between OP and her partner. They need to either try and reach a compromise or, if he decides having an open house to his kids comes first, OP may need to choose to no longer live together.

@SpaceshiptoMars

So. Mob rule, hmmm? When the partner was with the sons' mother, I'd imagine the DM had significant input into how her home ran. The new partner deserves the same respect - because she is his partner, and, on top of this, she pays half the bills. Otherwise - what on earth is in it for her?

No not mob rule at all, how very dramatic . But you can't be the new person in a dynamic (dad and his children) and come in and just expect things to change to how you want them. Of course the DM had an input because they were her kids and it was her house too. This isn't the OP's house even though she pays half the bills. And her partner may decide that having an open house to his kids is more important to him than the relationship. I'm not saying OP shouldn't broach the subject but to be prepared that everyone has non-negotiable in relationships and this may be his - he may always put his kids first.

It isn't legally her house but it is OPs home.
It's not and never has been the home of her partner's adult sons.
Why is this so difficult for people to wrap their heads around?

@Youseethethingis

It isn't legally her house but it is OPs home. It's not and never has been the home of her partner's adult sons. Why is this so difficult for people to wrap their heads around?

It's not hard for me to wrap my head around thank you very much

But in some families, as it seems to be in this one, the parents home is always open to their children.

Now it's also the OP's home so she has every right to broach this with her partner, she's not being U. But she needs to be prepared that for him having an open home for his children may be of upmost importance and he may not be willing to let that go, and that wouldn't be U of him either. At that point OP needs to decide what's more important to her and may have to choose to not live with him. No one is U here, different families live different ways. The first step is to try and compromise but that isn't always possible. But OP doesn't have divine right to demand the kids have their keys taken off them either, it doesn't matter in this case that it's her home, it's his house.

@Youseethethingis

It isn't legally her house but it is OPs home. It's not and never has been the home of her partner's adult sons. Why is this so difficult for people to wrap their heads around?

Because OPs partner may wish for his children to see it as their home too. The fact that she's brought it up before and he's agreed with her and done nothing says to me that's he's quite happy with it and just wants to keep her placated.

The issue isn't the sons. It's the partner. OP needs to discuss it with him.

Either his foot goes down, she accepts it or she leaves.

If the existing mentality is 'dad's house, our rules, your money counts for nothing', then don't expect things to change quickly if you and dp do buy a place together.

DH and kids moved into my house. Our first challenge was their expectation that they imported the original family culture wholesale! This has taken some work, but we're getting there. It has been gruelling!

@aSofaNearYou
You have your opinions whatever they may be, and I am not at all bothered by the fact that they are not consistent with my opinions. This is an internet forum ; it is open to any all points of view.

I am not so arrogant as to think that my point of view or opinion is correct or even remotely close to correct. it is however my opinion and need not be anyone else's opinion. For some reason , you seem unnecessarily bothered by my expressing my opinions.

If you are the thought police or the opinion monitor, please let me know if I am breaking some stated or unstated rule. If not, why don't we agree to just ignore each others postings.

I simply won't read your postings and you can bypass mine. You do realize that nothing on this site goes from anyone anyone's mouth to God's ear. These are just the opinions of strangers and only carry the weight that yet another stranger is willing to accord them.

It is offensive to suggest that others lack the ability to decide for themselves what information that they find useful or interesting.

It's their dads House .. their were born before you were on the scene

@Tiredoftattler I think your comment was aimed at me.
It’s fine, I usually bypass your insane ramblings but they were particularly odd and annoying today so I felt compelled to comment on them.

People seem to be suggesting that because the dad is divorced and got a new partner he's more likely to be sec having all over the house at all times of the day......whereas if the mum & dad were still together there would be no possibility of the ever having sec whatsoever??!

I come from a very close family. Mum & dad still together and very happily married. However, I'd never walk in unexpected. I have a key for emergencies which I'd only use if they weren't in.

To me it depends on the situation. If I had pre-arranged a visit and said "oh I'll pop over in the afternoon" or my mum I was going for dinner and said "come over about 5" then in both those scenarios I'd open the door snd shout hello as I entered as I'd know they're expecting me.

I'd never turn up without letting them know at least 5/10 mins before. More cos I wouldn't want to waste a trip if they weren't home so I'd always text first.

A couple of times we've turned up on special
Occasions with a surprise afternoon tea etc but then I'd definitely ring the bell.

The way I see it is that I wouldn't want them walking into my house unannounced. I'm single & dating and actually cringe at the thought!!!

My rule is, if I wouldn't want them openly walking into my house, why would I do it to them?!

The problem is their father. As long as he doesn't change the locks or insist they call before coming and knock on the door, they'll continue doing it.

What's stopping him from suggesting the drink ups happen in their house or doing it on rotation.

They're doing what they've always done and he's happy for it to continue. If he wasn't. He'd put a stop to it.

I recall your previous thread about it over a year ago under a different user name. Nothing has changed, probably got worse and yet you continue to accept it. I wouldn't like it and if my partner didn't do anything about it, I'd move out.

They might be his children but they’re not op’s.. therefore why would she feel comfortable with them just turning up out of the blue? If they were hers perhaps she would.. you can’t just say well that’s just too bad, she should feel/act as if they were hers..how can she?!!

She may not own the home but she lives there and the ‘children’ are old and wise enough to know she isn’t their parent, therefore wishes for some privacy!!

@NannyAndJohn

Why do three adult males own keys to a property that is not theirs? That's the first thing I'd bring up with DH.

I own a key to my mum's house. I don't think it's that unusual.

I also own a key to my parent’s house. However I wouldn’t just walk in!

I own a key to my mum's house. I don't think it's that unusual.
Having a key is fine but does your mum have a live-in partner though and would he be happy about you letting yourself in while he's in his y-fronts?