Adult step kids

[Hotpot11]

Hi, I’m after some advice on adult step kids please. My partner has 3 sons. Ages between 20 & 24. They don’t live with us and never have. I wanted to see if there was any advice from people who might be in the same situation. I’m trying to find a balance of where the kids are welcome to come round against the need for my own privacy too. They just walk in the house and to me, they aren’t young kids who I have raised, I met them as adults and as they don’t live here is it unreasonable to say they need to knock before just walking in? Also they always want to come round and drink with their dad and make a night of it. They treat him like he’s their mate. But we are in our 40s & I don’t want to be having this in the house every weekend. Is this normal and am I supposed to give up my boundaries where I can’t get showered or dressed or intimate with my partner without worrying someone’s going to walk in? Am I supposed to not complain about the house being treated like a pub every weekend?

I am in a relationship. My DP does not live here, but stays regularly. My expectation is my DC will come and go as they please.

We do plan to live together in the future. I'd not thought about new house rules at the new property. My DP has no DC, so it is only my children that come and go.

It is a conversation I'll have prior to making the move, thanks to this thread.

Any man who started calling my house his house and objecting to my DC coming and going as they pleased would be out on their ear pretty sharpish.

Reality here is that the partner clearly doesn’t object to the kids coming and going or he wouldn’t have given them keys in the first place.

If you don’t like it then move out.

@Elbie79

YABU

His house. His kids. His rules - and his choice whether/how to enforce them.

You sound like really hard work.

Agreed

My home will always be my children's home no matter how old they get. I would never expect them to have to tell me when visiting and they will always have a key. Any partner that didn't like this could do one.

These aren't children. They are grown men. And it's past time they learned to respect other adults privacy/time/space. Even their parents.
Anyone who invites their partner to live with them and build a life together but insists that other adults have more rights to that home than the person who actually lives there is an arse who has no business being in a serious relationship.

Oh come on! These posts are ridiculous!

My DC are far younger however one of them was out with his friends recently. He popped home unannounced, with his (male) friends. As it happened he opened the door and he and his friends were stood there just as I wandered downstairs in (not much) clothing. It was fine, I wasn’t indecent, but nor would I have been wearing what I was had I known a bunch of teen boys were about to turn up at my front door.

Afterwards I had a quiet word asking that he always give me a heads up if he’s popping back, especially with his friends. It’s his home, he is welcome (as are is siblings) to come and go as they please as they get older. That being said I absolutely would expect them to give me a heads up.

Does no one here indulge in afternoon nookie? Sometimes In places other than the bedroom? Wander round in their underwear / skimpy robes when alone? I certainly do and if I had an open door policy, chances are my kids could wander in and get a right eyeful! I’ve always wondered about these open door houses and concluded that no one does any of the above!

I am honestly shocked by a lot of these responses. These are adult men who have never lived in this house, not children. No wonder so many second subsequent relationships fail when one person thinks their adult kids with no ties to the house have more right to say what goes on in said house than an actual paying occupant!!!

His house. His kids. His rules
This is an appalling attitude. He may own the house but it is also OP’s home where she pays 50% of the bills! She has every right to expect some common courtesy and respect from her partner and his adult offspring.

Imagine any other scenario where the “my house my rules” thing would be played out, it would be called controlling and out of line.

Anyone who has this attitude has no place being in a relationship! If her DP wants a healthy relationship then he needs to accept there will be some personal boundaries of hers that need to be respected.

She is not banning them from the house or saying they can’t come over, but expected adult men to send a quick courtesy text or ring the doorbell is perfectly reasonable.

Before I lived with my STBH, my children would have free reign access to my bedroom and lie on my bed to watch tv etc.
However, now DP & I live together and it is also his bedroom they know to knock or ask if it is ok. My DP likes a bit of privacy to get changed or take a shower and I respect that. My kids aren’t his children and he is perfectly entitled to put a few personal boundaries in place for his own comfort.

Similarly, my SDs both have keys to our house but either quickly call on their way over or ring the doorbell / loudly announce themselves when they enter. I had an incident a few months ago where the eldest had quietly let herself in and I was wandering around my home naked as I thought I was alone... only to be met with my embarrassed and shocked 16yo SD standing on the landing upstairs. It was bloody awful and could have been avoided had she just sent a text or rang the doorbell before unlocking the door.

OP I would find it hard to have several adult men who I am not related to having free reign and access to my home at all times. You are not unreasonable to expect a quick heads up so you know whether they’re there or not.

Do they have keys? if not keep the door locked, if they do have their dad ask for them back.

If they have a key, ensure your key is always left in the lock, so they have to knock. Expect your DP to go along with this as it's a good compromise, without all the bother of changing locks.

I have a key to my dad's house but have never lived there. I would never a) just turn up or b) let myself in. I ALWAYS knock on the door when I arrive because the fact is that it isn't my home.

I always let myself in to my mum's house though as that's my childhood home - but still I wouldn't arrive unannounced.

If they're going to visit they should let you know, and then knock when they get there. But it's for your partner to sort out.

Just speak to them... they’re adults.

Say something like “Guys you’re very welcome here any time but I’m not really comfortable with you just walking in unannounced because I could be in a state or undress for example. Just knock the door before coming in so I get a warning”.

They’re grown ups, they should be able to understand this surely??

@AgeLikeWine

I understand why you would want some boundaries put in place, OP, but I think you should tread very, very carefully here.

You are his partner, not his wife. You are living in his house, not your house and these young people are his children, not his mates. You are not their step mum, you are their dad’s girlfriend. You may even be their dad’s ‘current girlfriend’. You are in a vulnerable position and it is not in your interests to say or do anything which might be interpreted as coming between them.

This.

My adult step kids always knock. Only one of them lived with us for a time as an adult. He gave key back when he left.

No big issue at all.

Genuinely cannot believe some people's attitudes on here.

Do people have so little respect for their partner and think it's ok?? "It's his house and his kids, he can do what he likes in your home, they don't need an appointment" - are you for real??

They are ADULTS and should be able to understand that their dad's partner, who is not their mum, also lives in the house. I would never dream of just walking into my dad's house without ringing the bell or pre-arranging if he had a partner living with him! It's just common courtesy.

@AlternativePerspective
Any man who started calling my house his house and objecting to my DC coming and going as they pleased would be out on their ear pretty sharpish

WTAF?! Anyone who moves their partner into their house, pay 50% of the bills and doesn’t allow that partner to treat the house as their home is a grade A c*nt and should not be dating, let alone inviting a partner to live with them!

@AlternativePerspective

Any man who started calling my house his house and objecting to my DC coming and going as they pleased would be out on their ear pretty sharpish.

Reality here is that the partner clearly doesn’t object to the kids coming and going or he wouldn’t have given them keys in the first place.

If you don’t like it then move out.

But why would you invite your partner to live with you if you didn't expect and WANT them to consider the house their home as well?!

My partner lives with me in a flat that I own, when we decided to live together this place became our joint home. I would never dream of just doing whatever I wanted and telling him he can just deal with it or move out. What kind of relationship is that?!

Those that are saying OP is unreasonable do you genuinely believe that she shouldn't be able to nip down stairs in her underwear or naked to get her phone from the lounge or a drink from the kitchen just in case an unrelated man 20 years younger who doesnt live there walks in unexpectedly?

I am honestly disgusted by some of the attitudes expressed towards partners on this thread.

I am not sure why so many think that just because someone has children - even adult children! - from a previous relationship that they should be entitled to treat their partner like dirt and have no respect for their thoughts or feelings.

This is not the way people are meant to treat the person they love! I am sure most of those commenting negatively here wouldn't be happy if their husbands or boyfriends treated them with such little regard.

I am not sure why so many think that just because someone has children - even adult children! - from a previous relationship that they should be entitled to treat their partner like dirt and have no respect for their thoughts or feelings

I completely agree. I would never allow mine or my children’s wants to run roughshod over my partners feelings or boundaries. But then again I respect him, love him and try to treat him fairly. I suppose that’s the difference.

@ButchersPleasure

My home will always be my children's home no matter how old they get. I would never expect them to have to tell me when visiting and they will always have a key. Any partner that didn't like this could do one.

This.

@ButchersPleasure

My home will always be my children's home no matter how old they get. I would never expect them to have to tell me when visiting and they will always have a key. Any partner that didn't like this could do one.

She is only asking that they knock/ring the bell before they walk through the door.

Thank you to those who understand where I am coming from. His kids are of course welcome to come round. But to me it’s 3 adult men who don’t live here walking in when we could be getting intimate or me being half dressed. I don’t understand those people who have the mindset of it’s my house and my kids so my partner can do one if they don’t like it. That’s shows massive disrespect to any potential partner and a very entitled thought process. There’s nothing wrong with carrying on living that way but stay single! And when I went to see my parents when I was younger but had moved out I wouldn’t have dreamed of going round with my 2 sisters and having drinking nights there all the time.

@SpongebobNoPants

Just speak to them... they’re adults.

Say something like “Guys you’re very welcome here any time but I’m not really comfortable with you just walking in unannounced because I could be in a state or undress for example. Just knock the door before coming in so I get a warning”.

They’re grown ups, they should be able to understand this surely??

Perhaps people shouldn’t be wandering around naked outside of their bedroom/bathroom then.

I’ve never worried about family or friends coming in downstairs as we don’t wander around in a state of undress as presumably don’t most people.

You sound like my step-father. For the record my relationship with my mother took a nose dive after he made it clear he was uncomfortable with me popping round to see my mum (in the home I grew up in).

If you don't like how your partner lives his life, leave.

I actually think it’s lovely they are still close as adults and spend time together. Too many parents don’t have that relationship especially when a new partner comes along.