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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult step kids

196 replies

Hotpot11 · 01/06/2021 21:32

Hi, I’m after some advice on adult step kids please. My partner has 3 sons. Ages between 20 & 24. They don’t live with us and never have. I wanted to see if there was any advice from people who might be in the same situation. I’m trying to find a balance of where the kids are welcome to come round against the need for my own privacy too. They just walk in the house and to me, they aren’t young kids who I have raised, I met them as adults and as they don’t live here is it unreasonable to say they need to knock before just walking in? Also they always want to come round and drink with their dad and make a night of it. They treat him like he’s their mate. But we are in our 40s & I don’t want to be having this in the house every weekend. Is this normal and am I supposed to give up my boundaries where I can’t get showered or dressed or intimate with my partner without worrying someone’s going to walk in? Am I supposed to not complain about the house being treated like a pub every weekend?

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Original poster
Hotpot11 · 01/06/2021 22:05

@lunar1 if he’s been single then yes. He was married to their mum. Had one girlfriend since divorce. Then me. We have been together 3 years live together 2 years. When I was in my 20s I would never just walk in my mums house knowing her partner might be there and that was my child hood home.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/06/2021 22:06

I couldn't be doing with that.

You've put yourself in a very vulnerable situation by living with him in his house. If you weren't with your OH then this would be happening all the time. If you try to stop it, he'll resent you.

The only option is for you to move out.

Aprilwasverywet · 01/06/2021 22:08

If you had his dc would you not feel very proud he was a df that was available to his dc whenever they needed him not just by appointment only?

Original poster
Hotpot11 · 01/06/2021 22:13

@Aprilwasverywet it’s not an appointment it’s a heads up. And if they don’t give a heads up then just a knock will do!

OP posts:
SpindleWhorl · 01/06/2021 22:18

Why on earth did you move in with him after a year?

LovePoppy · 01/06/2021 22:38

It sounds like you’re tired of not being his priority.

You need to decide what works for you.

Azerothi · 01/06/2021 22:47

Why do you have to live with this current new boyfriend? If you don't like it get a place of your own. You'll be in a much better position and if your boyfriend's children come over you can just leave surely?

Your boyfriend obviously likes the way they come and see him.

Tiredoftattler · 01/06/2021 22:49

OP, if you do not like the access system that he has in place , you should tell him that you do not wish to live that way. If you are paying half of the rent and utilities then you have a right to make those kinds of statements. If you are not sharing expenses then you like his kids are somewhat subject to his preferences and largess.

Why not get a place of your own and have him stay there ? You would have total control and there would be no need to give his kids keys.

Families can be different in the ways that they do and perceive things.

My siblings and I all have keys to my parents house. My mom will often say to us " why are you ringing the bell? You have a key."

If he was comfortable with his kids just coming in unannounced prior to you moving in, he may not feel this to be the imposition that you feel it to be. He may not be unhappy about drinking with his kids.

If you have voiced your opinion to him and he has made to changes, then he has given you your answer. The ball is in your court; make the changes necessary for you to be comfortable. Those changes need not signal the end of your relationship ; it just may mean that you would be happier living apart.

Lorw · 01/06/2021 23:51

Just live your life how you normally would if they end up walking in on their dad and his partner having sex I guarantee they will knock next time Grin

Guavafish · 01/06/2021 23:54

You need to tell your partner your uncomfortable with the situation and not happy with the drinking weekend culture.

Hopefully he should change things so your more comfortable

Keepitcleanplease · 02/06/2021 00:07

From his perspective it is his house. You've moved in and now his children can't treat his house like their house anymore and come round when they feel like it. My solution to the problem would be to move my new girlfriend out.

If I were you I would concentrate more on the drinking than on the coming round. You don't want to spend your life like a student surrounded by people who are constantly drinking tins of beer and leaving them lying around. I wouldn't either. I'd vote with my feet.

sassbott · 02/06/2021 17:30

Two questions

  1. How much do you contribute towards household costs/ bills? Is it 50/50%
  2. Has the situation worsened as a result of covid? To be fair nothing was open and this is what people have been doing with their support bubbles. Even now getting a table at a pub is a nightmare, for two hours etc. Loads of people are entertaining at home for precisely this reason.
idontunderstandwhypeopledothis · 02/06/2021 20:01

Just to make you feel better, I moved out of my dads and his girlfriends when I was 24 ish, they gave me a key but I never used it, always knocked, always let dad know before I turned up so what they're doing is pretty unusual and invasive whether they're his kids, your kids, the next door neighbours kids! It's just a sign of respect to you and their dad.

Ibizafun · 02/06/2021 23:18

I wouldn’t dream of just walking into my parent’s home without letting them know I was popping in, let alone without knocking! Never mind who owns the home, op is being treated with no respect and I can’t imagine her partner’s children don’t know that.

Original poster
Hotpot11 · 02/06/2021 23:28

We are 50/50 with bills and yes it has got worse over covid. But 2 of his sons live together and they are both single so it doesn’t always need to be at our house. For those people saying his house his kids, I get that mindset if the mum and dad are still living together or they are single. But to expect the same dynamic when a non parent lives there means things change because everyone is entitled to privacy. For the record my partner agrees with me on the walking in the house situation and sometimes they do let us know they are coming but there’s still those times they don’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotpot11 · 02/06/2021 23:40

@Ibizafun I agree and I wouldn’t just walk in my mums house either, I always let her know when I’m coming and if by chance I turn up on a whim I will either message her quickly when I get there or I will knock before walking in. And that’s only now she’s single. However when she had a partner if I got no answer I wouldn’t just walk in. I moved out when I was 20 and even though it was my family home I still respected It was no longer my home anymore. To me, it was basics that after moving out, my mum and her partner at the time we’re entitled to their privacy because they couldn’t live on eggshells on the off chance I was just gonna to walk in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotpot11 · 02/06/2021 23:42

*going to

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Tiredoftattler · 02/06/2021 23:55

OP , if you are paying half of the expenses, why are you hesitant to tell them that you would prefer that they not show up unannounced?

If you were living with a roommate and paying an equal share of the expenses , would you be hesitant about speaking up in your home?

Why are you relying on him to speak up for you? Perhaps they do not perceive you as having equal standing in the house because you do present yourself as an adult with equal standing and equal say.

If my step children were doing something that I found to be unacceptable in our house, I would certainly not wait or expect my husband to address the issue. I as one of the 2 adults in the house would speak directly to them. Needing your husband to speak up on your behalf strongly suggest that you lack the status and standing to speak up for yourself.

If dad is saying that his girlfriend objects to them coming over announced, that does not necessarily convey that dad has the same objection. His willingness to drink with them every weekend suggests that he is not particularly bothered by their behavior.

Your leaving and finding your own place would make a strong statement about your boundaries and expectations. Thus far, your complaints have been lightly treated or ignored. At some point , you need to proactively take control of your situation.

SandyY2K · 03/06/2021 00:57

Have you posted about this before? I'm sure I remember something identical about 12/18 months ago and the OP if it was you said sometimes you've been in the shower and where your bathroom is located you have to walk through the living room past them to get to your bedroom.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/06/2021 01:40

Sorry but I think yabu. I understand you want some privacy etc but I dont see why they have to ask permission, it's their Dad's home.

Personally I wouldn't want my dc to think they need to ask permission and wouldn't be in a relationship with a partner who insisted on it.

user77hjjy · 03/06/2021 05:40

But 2 of his sons live together and they are both single so it doesn’t always need to be at our house.

It's not your house, it's his.

It doesn't always need to be at his house but he wants it to be, so it is.

Why don't you live elsewhere?

Blueskythinking123 · 03/06/2021 06:16

I think it really depends on how you are raised as a family.

I would just walk into my parents house, but they always had an open door growing up, so this included neighbours etc. It is the same with my gran.

My son returned from uni last night (21), let himself in (I was home). I sound not expect him to knock the door and can't imagine expecting him to in the future.

As a family we have grown up walking in each others houses. So until I read your post, I've honestly thought nothing about it.

What I wouldn't like is the weekend drinking culture, that is a different battle that would need tackling.

Blueskythinking123 · 03/06/2021 06:17

*would

user1471604848 · 03/06/2021 07:05

How long did your partner live in the house before you moved in?
Perhaps that has been their dynamic for years - that the children can walk into his house anytime.

You dated him a year before moving in - during that year did they call in anytime? Did you have a discussion around expectations before you moved in?

In your situation I would not have moved in, since it's your partner's house with his established rules. I would either have got a new place together (and establish new rules), or not have moved in.

If I were your partner with this established norm, I'd never let a partner move in if they wanted to stop my kids coming around whenever.

Right now, if I were you I'd move out, since you'll never have equal authority in "his" house.

Billandben444 · 03/06/2021 07:21

The OP is not their parent so the situation is totally different to those of you who say you walk into your parents' house unannounced or you're happy your adult children come in whenever. OP, first make sure your partner is totally on board (or the alternative is to move out which would be a shame), tell him how you feel and ask him to help you resolve it. I think he should speak to the boys and tell them that now you are living together you need some privacy (they're adults, they'll work that one out!) so, where they're still very welcome to come over, they need to call him first to make sure it's convenient and he needs to end with a semi-joking 'don't make me have to get a lock for the front door!' As young adults they won't want to catch you both at it. The drinking sessions are different - can you suggest the 2 of you go out one weekend evening and see what happens when they arrive at an empty house? If you think this relationship is a good one then you can't carry on like this - get him onside and then set boundaries as they're adults not dependent teens.