Adult step kids

[Hotpot11]

Hi, I’m after some advice on adult step kids please. My partner has 3 sons. Ages between 20 & 24. They don’t live with us and never have. I wanted to see if there was any advice from people who might be in the same situation. I’m trying to find a balance of where the kids are welcome to come round against the need for my own privacy too. They just walk in the house and to me, they aren’t young kids who I have raised, I met them as adults and as they don’t live here is it unreasonable to say they need to knock before just walking in? Also they always want to come round and drink with their dad and make a night of it. They treat him like he’s their mate. But we are in our 40s & I don’t want to be having this in the house every weekend. Is this normal and am I supposed to give up my boundaries where I can’t get showered or dressed or intimate with my partner without worrying someone’s going to walk in? Am I supposed to not complain about the house being treated like a pub every weekend?

@SpongebobNoPants
Saying that her partner agrees with her, only makes her situation look worse. The man who repeatedly beats his wife,usually agrees afterwards that those actions are wrong and yet nothing changes because of his recognition and agreement. He continues to beat his wife while knowing that it is wrong.

If young adults are drinking in his home every weekend , it is quite possible that dad is paying for the alcohol He is choosing to drink and probably prefers to drink in his own home.

Another poster said that the behavior is "cheeky .". All of that may be true.
Insanity has been described as " repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different result. "

At this point, after 2 seemingly long years , OP continues to complain to her partner to the point that the partner agrees with her but nothing changes.

It has always been within the OP's control to effect a change by moving out of the environment in which she continues to grow increasingly uncomfortable. If her partner provides an uncomfortable environment the OP is equally guilty of self abuse by choosing to remain in that environment when she is capable of leaving and finding her own place.

The OP pays for her lodgings, and I would assume that she was not homeless prior to moving in with her partner. It hardly matters what he should have done or should be doing Her reality and relationship consists of what he and she" are doing." He is apparently changing for the worse ,and she is choosing to remain in the environment and complain.

Responsibility to and for self matters, and the OP is electing not to be responsible for her own peace and contentment That decision is not one for which the partner cannot be blamed.

For some women it is easier to say that the partner is wrong rather than to admit that they are incompatible. Incompatibility is not a sin or failure. However, failing to admit and accept your incompatibility is a fault that is easily changed.

Contentment is within the OP 's control; when she chooses to exercise that control she will be free

Should read " that decision is one for which the partner cannot be blamed. "

Do we really have to go through the same discussion as on every other thread, about whether there's ever any point mentioning that a person's behaviour is objectively wrong, when you could instead just focus on your own responsibility for staying with them 🙄

It's so tiresome. It is reasonable to discuss the actual behaviour and whether it is appropriate or not. It is reasonable to form opinions on that and to discuss them. That is how people form their morals and standards of behaviour.

For some women it is easier to say that the partner is wrong rather than to admit that they are incompatible. Incompatibility is not a sin or failure. However, failing to admit and accept your incompatibility is a fault that is easily changed.

But if you love someone, not everything is a deal breaker or an indication that you're just 'not compatible'. This is one thing in OP's relationship that she's not happy with, it's very likely not the be all and end all for her.

I would not consider myself and my DP to just be not compatible and say we should split up just because I didn't want his adult kids/friends round my house drinking every weekend .

OP is presumably trying to gauge whether others think she is reasonable prior to bringing this topic up with her DP again.

@Tiredoftattler your posts are increasingly strange, devoid of emotion and robotic.

You also continually make baseless assumptions and come back to the same 2 points on every single thread

1. If you disagree about something you must be incompatible and therefore need to split up
2. Compromise isn’t possible, people are entitled to stand their ground 100% with whatever they want regardless of whether it affects their loved ones and no one needs to bend

It’s all very odd and your assumptions are always negative. You’re very “glass half empty” about things and also write your posts in the tone of a Victorian armchair psychologist and always imply that only your opinion on said subject is right.

It’s very difficult to take your posts seriously as you appear to believe you’re the undisputed expert on relationships, all the while choosing to ignore the human elements of love and life which naturally cause complications. Everything is not simply black and white.

Saying that her partner agrees with her, only makes her situation look worse
Why would you think that? He agreed his sons should be knocking the door. He now needs to enforce that by speaking to them or taking measures to ensure they can’t just enter at will.

The man who repeatedly beats his wife,usually agrees afterwards that those actions are wrong and yet nothing changes because of his recognition and agreement. He continues to beat his wife while knowing that it is wrong
What the hell is wrong with you that you’d even make this comparison? There is no inkling that he is being abusive at all

At this point, after 2 seemingly long years , OP continues to complain to her partner to the point that the partner agrees with her but nothing change
We have no idea how long this has been going on as the OP hasn’t said. The drinking at home issue could have only begun during Covid lockdowns as there was no pubs open?
Who knows without more information, but it doesn’t appear this issue has been going on for the entire 2 years they’ve been cohabiting.

He is apparently changing for the worse ,and she is choosing to remain in the environment and complain
Again, so negative. We have no idea whether she her expressly told him she is unhappy with it or told him just how much it is annoying her. Her posts on here gave me the impression that she was canvassing opinions on whether requesting these changes would be unreasonable, therefore perhaps this is a discussion yet to be had.

Hi everyone. Just to confirm a few things. We don’t live in the UK but it did get worse during our lockdowns. But it was still happening before. However I think I tried not to cause a fuss at first. But as times gone on I think there’s only so long you can walk on eggshells in your own home. I honestly can’t get my head around people actually wanting their adult kids to walk in the home (where they don’t live) without knocking when they have a partner who is not the father/mother living there who isn’t comfortable with that. If the non parent for some reason doesn’t care then that’s one thing. But I think if the partners a women they will be more aware of not wanting an adult man to see them in an awkward position. Does no one ever need a wee and leave the door open? Does everyone always only have sex in the bedroom with the door closed? Do people go for a shower and never forget their towel / dressing gown? Does that mean I have a right to walk into his kids house unannounced too? And can I get the girls round for a piss up at their house every weekend? Of course the answer would be no and the reasons why you would say no don’t differ for me. Surely you also wouldn’t want your husbands friends round every weekend having a piss up would you? My partner agrees with me about the knocking / warning he has told them but sometimes it still happens. I would never want to come between them but basic boundaries are needed as someone has said above. And I was trying to get others opinions on what is reasonable with compromise by posting on here. I am hoping that now things have started to open up any big nights won’t always be here and like I say, I don’t mind it sometimes but I still don’t think I’m unreasonable to want some non drinking weekends too. A home should also be a place you can relax shouldn’t it? I also don’t think just because we have this issue it means we aren’t compatible. Surely all couples differ on opinions and have different norms. I guess all I can do is see how things go from here. I do think things would be different if we got a house together which would be our next step but I don’t want to commit to that just yet.

You going to their homes is very different though, you aren’t their family. It’s their dads home and he wants to spend time with his children and it sounds like he has a really good relationship with them. They aren’t your partners friends, they are his children so not comparison.

You know they have keys so keep sex to the bedroom and don’t walk around naked. Not exactly a hardship.

@Hotpot11

Hi everyone. Just to confirm a few things. We don’t live in the UK but it did get worse during our lockdowns. But it was still happening before. However I think I tried not to cause a fuss at first. But as times gone on I think there’s only so long you can walk on eggshells in your own home. I honestly can’t get my head around people actually wanting their adult kids to walk in the home (where they don’t live) without knocking when they have a partner who is not the father/mother living there who isn’t comfortable with that. If the non parent for some reason doesn’t care then that’s one thing. But I think if the partners a women they will be more aware of not wanting an adult man to see them in an awkward position. Does no one ever need a wee and leave the door open? Does everyone always only have sex in the bedroom with the door closed? Do people go for a shower and never forget their towel / dressing gown? Does that mean I have a right to walk into his kids house unannounced too? And can I get the girls round for a piss up at their house every weekend? Of course the answer would be no and the reasons why you would say no don’t differ for me. Surely you also wouldn’t want your husbands friends round every weekend having a piss up would you? My partner agrees with me about the knocking / warning he has told them but sometimes it still happens. I would never want to come between them but basic boundaries are needed as someone has said above. And I was trying to get others opinions on what is reasonable with compromise by posting on here. I am hoping that now things have started to open up any big nights won’t always be here and like I say, I don’t mind it sometimes but I still don’t think I’m unreasonable to want some non drinking weekends too. A home should also be a place you can relax shouldn’t it? I also don’t think just because we have this issue it means we aren’t compatible. Surely all couples differ on opinions and have different norms. I guess all I can do is see how things go from here. I do think things would be different if we got a house together which would be our next step but I don’t want to commit to that just yet.

Completely agree with you OP. If this were his friends you were talking about and not his adult kids I think you'd mainly be getting very different responses, even though it boils down to the same thing. I'm glad you've actually had lots of support here and I think you're being totally reasonable.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

You going to their homes is very different though, you aren’t their family. It’s their dads home and he wants to spend time with his children and it sounds like he has a really good relationship with them. They aren’t your partners friends, they are his children so not comparison.

You know they have keys so keep sex to the bedroom and don’t walk around naked. Not exactly a hardship.

Omggggggg is this for real? So OP has to live her life IN HER OWN HOME as if someone could walk in at any minute and that's reasonable to expect, just because it's her husband's adult kids we're talking about?

That's just absolutely mad. People should be able to relax in their own homes. It's not much to ask someone to knock on the door before walking in to your home!!

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss my point exactly. I’m not family. They aren’t my family. Therefore at the very least compromise with a knock. There’s always going to be those people who don’t compromise at all no matter what so if that’s your mindset then fair enough. Anyway, I won’t be posting anymore so just wanted to say thank everyone for your input. I’m glad there are some like minded people out there, it gives me hope!

@Bibidy thank you x

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss you are literally ridiculous. I can’t even deal with your entitled ridiculous posts anymore, they infuriate me.
Let me guess... you were a spoilt stepchild once with a big bad mean stepmum?
Grow up.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

You going to their homes is very different though, you aren’t their family. It’s their dads home and he wants to spend time with his children and it sounds like he has a really good relationship with them. They aren’t your partners friends, they are his children so not comparison.

You know they have keys so keep sex to the bedroom and don’t walk around naked. Not exactly a hardship.

I'm going to assume this advice is from someone who not only has never been a stepmum, but also can't remember when they last had sex!

1950s much?

^You going to their homes is very different though, you aren’t their family. It’s their dads home*
It’s OP’s home too, did you forget that? They aren’t her family you are correct, a non-family member now lives there so they have to respect that too.

The entitled attitudes of “my kids wants always come above my partner’s wants” are literally why there are so many issues in blended families.

I would never treat my partner this way.

You know they have keys so keep sex to the bedroom and don’t walk around naked. Not exactly a hardship
I'd argue that it is a hardship to have to live your life expecting your home to be invaded at any time.
Id also argue that it's not exactly hardship for three full grown men to ring the fucking bell
Unless we now add bell ringing to the list of things that people whose parents have split up are somehow unable to do.

@SpongebobNoPants

The entitled attitudes of “my kids wants always come above my partner’s wants” are literally why there are so many issues in blended families.

I would never treat my partner this way.

Likewise I’d never put a partner over my children.

My children will always be welcome and have keys, they don’t stop being ours at 18. Id never want to make them feel unwelcome or like they couldn’t visit whenever they liked.

Unless we now add bell ringing to the list of things that people whose parents have split up are somehow unable to do
But they’re damagggeeeedddd. You get to live with their dad all the time! How can you expect them to knock like courteous adults when they came from a broken home!

WHY WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE ADULT CHILDREN!

Likewise I’d never put a partner over my children
Needs and wants are different things. My kids needs always come first, not always their wants though.
But then again, I’m determined not to raise entitled little shits who think the world revolves around them. A few posters on this thread were obviously not granted such effective parenting clearly

It's not hard to ring a doorbell or knock is it

My children will always be welcome and have keys, they don’t stop being ours at 18. Id never want to make them feel unwelcome or like they couldn’t visit whenever they liked
If anyone's relationship with your children absolutely depends upon not moving to healthy adult boundaries and respect for each others time and space as they become adults it might be something worth exploring further.

Likewise I’d never put a partner over my children.

My children will always be welcome and have keys, they don’t stop being ours at 18. Id never want to make them feel unwelcome or like they couldn’t visit whenever they liked.

Why does it need to be a contest?

It is not putting your partner over your children to expect them to show some basic decency and not just barge into someone's home unannounced. It doesn't always have to be kids vs partner. Just because the kids are currently doing one thing doesn't mean it's against their interests to ask them to change it slightly!

Tbh I think OP has been incredibly patient. In her shoes I'd be deadlocking the door so they couldn't get in without ringing the door bell, since they have been spoken to by their dad but not listened. I would not be comfortable with the possibility of them literally walking in at any point with no warning, when I could be undressed or sleeping or in the bath, or whatever else.

Your dh needs to deal with them and be firm. Some people don't mind an open door policy, others do and if you do OP then that's what matters.

However, if your dp is agreeing with you but not putting a stop to the behaviour, I suspect he doesn't mind that much and just sees it as your problem.

Change the locks or put a bolt on the door so that they can't just walk in.

My whole family is very open door and tbh I'd find it difficult if my father had a new partner and suddenly said that we had to knock etc. It would be an adjustment. It may change the dynamics somewhat.

Maybe your dh worries about this and that's why he hasn't been more proactive?

My whole family is very open door and tbh I'd find it difficult if my father had a new partner and suddenly said that we had to knock etc. It would be an adjustment. It may change the dynamics somewhat.

I walk into my parents' house unannounced too, and always have. But very definitely if they split up and either of them had a new partner, I would be massively conscious of walking into that person's home without giving them a head's up, just in case I put them in an awkward position.

At the very least I'd ring the bell/shout hello as I let myself in. I wouldn't just walk in silently. God knows what I could see! LOL.

I just think I'd be conscious of the fact that it's this person's home, not mine, and they are not my parent so may not want me barging in at any time without warning. Not saying I'd always be pre-arranging my visits, but I would definitely make them aware I was about to enter the house.

I don’t think adult children or stepchildren should automatically be able to come round to their parent’s house whenever they like.
I think sometimes that as life moves on the dynamics change, and that it isn’t convenient for adult children/stepchildren to just come waltzing in whenever they feel like it.
I moved out of my childhood home when I was 20, and since then my dad has made a life with his wife. On their days off together they sometimes just like to spend time together without anyone else. They make loads of time for me, my stepbrother, and all of their grandchildren but there are times where us all being around just isn’t convenient or wanted.

My 30 year old stepbrother has had some relationship troubles and has been staying over at my dad’s quite a lot recently. Both my dad and stepmum wouldn’t see him on the streets, but my dad told me yesterday that he and my stepmum really want him to sort himself out and get his own place ASAP because as much he’s a lovely guy and my stepmum loves him, they don’t want him to keep on staying over or coming round unannounced.