Adult step kids

[Hotpot11]

Hi, I’m after some advice on adult step kids please. My partner has 3 sons. Ages between 20 & 24. They don’t live with us and never have. I wanted to see if there was any advice from people who might be in the same situation. I’m trying to find a balance of where the kids are welcome to come round against the need for my own privacy too. They just walk in the house and to me, they aren’t young kids who I have raised, I met them as adults and as they don’t live here is it unreasonable to say they need to knock before just walking in? Also they always want to come round and drink with their dad and make a night of it. They treat him like he’s their mate. But we are in our 40s & I don’t want to be having this in the house every weekend. Is this normal and am I supposed to give up my boundaries where I can’t get showered or dressed or intimate with my partner without worrying someone’s going to walk in? Am I supposed to not complain about the house being treated like a pub every weekend?

@SpongebobNoPants

You can't just walk into an established situation like that and expect it to change because you don't like it

You cannot expect to live with a new partner and be in a healthy relationship without being willing to make small compromises either.

I've been in a very healthy relationship and never expected him to change the dynamic with his DC for me.

@Youseethethingis

You can't just walk into an established situation like that and expect it to change because you don't like it OP didn't just walk in. She was invited to live there. Unlike the adult step sons.

You know very well what I meant. That's just pedantic for the sake of it.

@KurtWilde but they’re your boundaries which you are comfortable with. These are adults, not children. It is not unreasonable if you ask a partner to live with you to have to expect to compromise on some things.
I have kids, I have a DP who is not their father, I also have SCs... we all have to compromise to keep balance and happiness.

You know very well what I meant. That's just pedantic for the sake of it
Not at all. Youre saying that OP "just walked in" to the scenario rather than was invited by her partner to make his home her home too, and like 2 years calling it her home is nothing.
2 years is plenty long enough for fully grown men to get used to the fact that Dad's house is now shared.

I'd move out, Im not living any more days putting up with things that make me unhappy.

So yes I would move into my own wee paradise. ☺️

Ultimately this is just another area of incompatibility. If the OP objects to the arrangement that she found in place and her partner seemingly has little to no objection to the arrangement that he had in place prior to her moving into his home, perhaps they are not compatible living together partners.

But if his children have always dont this why should they suddenly change to accommodate their dads girlfriend?

I just don't get these attitude at all.

I also spent my time differently before I lived with my DP. For instance I might have a few friends over on a Saturday night for drinks and a takeaway. I wouldn't do that routinely when DP's here because it's his home and he wouldn't want to spend every Saturday night with my mates in his house.

Everything changes when you start living with someone else, surely? You can't just carry on as if they don't exist and their comfort doesn't matter, and if they don't just suck it up then you're incompatible.

I'd say if that's your attitude then yes, you probably are incompatible but because of your self-centred attitude, not your partner.

@Bibidy

Ultimately this is just another area of incompatibility. If the OP objects to the arrangement that she found in place and her partner seemingly has little to no objection to the arrangement that he had in place prior to her moving into his home, perhaps they are not compatible living together partners.

But if his children have always dont this why should they suddenly change to accommodate their dads girlfriend?

I just don't get these attitude at all.

I also spent my time differently before I lived with my DP. For instance I might have a few friends over on a Saturday night for drinks and a takeaway. I wouldn't do that routinely when DP's here because it's his home and he wouldn't want to spend every Saturday night with my mates in his house.

Everything changes when you start living with someone else, surely? You can't just carry on as if they don't exist and their comfort doesn't matter, and if they don't just suck it up then you're incompatible.

I'd say if that's your attitude then yes, you probably are incompatible but because of your self-centred attitude, not your partner.

Why is wanting your children to retain their current relationship with you more self-centred than someone who moves in and expects that relationship to change?

The dilemma of ILs just walking in is a common one on this site.
Personally I'd like a quick text to say that they were on their way but I know that some families have the "just walk in " mentality so my view is strange to them.

I think that your home being trashed every weekend is the bigger problem tbh and I wouldn't like it but this needs your h on board. It sounds like he's telling you and them what they want to hear but their actions suggest he doesn't mind spending every weekend like this which is annoying for you.

Generally people who don't like their ILs are told to lock the door from inside so they can't get in and have to ring the doorbell.

Why is wanting your children to retain their current relationship with you more self-centred than someone who moves in and expects that relationship to change?

Did you read any of the comment you just replied to? Because it simply isn't reasonable to invite someone to live with you and contribute equally to the bills, whilst dominating the living area to have people over being rowdy every weekend. That should never have been an expectation, it's selfish and discourteous.

@aSofaNearYou

Why is wanting your children to retain their current relationship with you more self-centred than someone who moves in and expects that relationship to change?

Did you read any of the comment you just replied to? Because it simply isn't reasonable to invite someone to live with you and contribute equally to the bills, whilst dominating the living area to have people over being rowdy every weekend. That should never have been an expectation, it's selfish and discourteous.

That doesn’t address my point.

The husband has a pre-existing relationship and arrangement with his children. Why is it selfish to expect that to remain but not selfish to move in and expect that to stop happening?

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken she hasn’t asked it to stop happening, she’s asked for a couple of minor compromises including them knocking before entering and if their drinking sessions could sometimes take place at the sons house.

She hasn’t asked him to stop seeing them, she hasn’t said she doesn’t want them over, she hasn’t tried to dictate how often her DP sees them. She has simply asked for the location to be mixed up a bit.

And it isn’t clear whether the drinking sessions are pre-dating her moving in or have developed more recently as they’ve got older?

Her DP would be selfish not to compromise a small amount by sometimes going to his sons because it doesn’t affect him at all because he’ll still be seeing them and doing the same activity with them.

OP is allowed to state sometimes she’d like to spend a weekend at home without his adult non-resident sons in her home.

That’s the difference.

Why is it selfish to expect that to remain but not selfish to move in and expect that to stop happening?
I don't think it's selfish at all to expect it to change. That's having reasonable expectations that your comfort matters to the person who says he loves you.
What's selfish is continuing to please yourself as if you were single and have nobody else to think about when you have been with your partner for 3 years and live together.

Why is wanting your children to retain their current relationship with you more self-centred than someone who moves in and expects that relationship to change?

We're not talking about a lodger here, but an intimate partner/potential spouse. Most weddings contain promises to 'love, honour and cherish until my life's end'. Respecting your partner's personal boundaries comes firmly under the heading of 'love, honour and cherish' to me!

The husband has a pre-existing relationship and arrangement with his children. Why is it selfish to expect that to remain but not selfish to move in and expect that to stop happening?

Because he's asked someone to move in and should therefore recognise that they will need to be considered. If he didn't want to have to change anything at all he should never have asked her to move in.

Because he's asked someone to move in and should therefore recognise that they will need to be considered. If he didn't want to have to change anything at all he should never have asked her to move in
Yes! Exactly!
I did many things whilst single / living alone that I don’t do now DP lives with me. Compromise is the key to a happy relationship surely?

I am glad to read those comments where you see it exactly as I do. There are many things you do as a single that you may have to compromise slightly on when you live with a new partner. I really don’t see a knock on the door or taking some of the “boys” nights elsewhere on some occasions a big ask.

If you have to beg and beat someone over the head to understand your point of view, that may be a pretty big indicator that you do not share a common perspective.

It hardly matters who is right and who is wrong. The more glaring fact is that you do seem to be right for each other.

No matter what your view of relationships, no one can say that another person does not have the right to be unwilling to compromise their actions and behaviors to accommodate you. When that occurs, it simply means that you and that person are not 2 people who will find happiness living together.

Compromise and flexibility are not attributes that people always have in equal shares. If those attributes are not present in sufficient quantity, you can rant on and on about what a good partner should do or you can recognize that you have found a person who does not fit your definition of " a good partner ". Once you reach that level of awareness and choose to remain in that relationship, you are implicitly stating that you know and accept the treatment to which you are being subjected. The fault ceases to be your partners behavior and instead becomes your willingness to remain in that situation.

OP if you are paying your own way, why not move into your own place where you can have the conditions that are more acceptable to you with or without him? I assume that option has always been on your table. Why would you accept 2 uncomfortable years with no improvement in sight? That decision making you seem almost masochistic.

Liberate your self. Your partner is choosing not to make himself uncomfortable. What stops you from doing the same!

Just lock the door

I wouldn’t have dreamed of going round with my 2 sisters and having drinking nights there all the time

That might be true, but the fact is that your partner thinks it's fine to have "boy's nights" with his sons. If this bothers you , he might not be the man for you.

@Tiredoftattler
If you have to beg and beat someone over the head to understand your point of view, that may be a pretty big indicator that you do not share a common perspective

Jesus you’re a bit dramatic! Where on earth have you got the extreme idea she’s having to beg him? She actually said he DP agrees about the knocking before entering and I get the impression that OP was just canvassing opinions before broaching the topic of the drinking sessions with her DP.

The replies on here have been really extreme
This whole thread is bizarre.

Respecting your partner's personal boundaries comes firmly under the heading of 'love, honour and cherish' to me!

What about respect for her partner’s personal boundaries which happen to be different to the OPs? What we are looking for is a middle ground, surely? The OP has suggested sometimes they go to the son’s home. That sounds a good, fair compromise to me. If her DP won’t consider that then their personal boundaries are clearly incompatible. Then the OP has a decision to make,

Why is wanting your children to retain their current relationship with you more self-centred than someone who moves in and expects that relationship to change?

Well just because of everything I said in my comment that you replied to?!

OP's DP can still retain the same level of relationship with his children (or anyone else for that matter) whilst incorporating some consideration for his partner, who he presumably loves since he wanted her to move in with him.

It doesn't mean he has to maintain the exact status quo of having lads drinking nights in their house every single weekend. He could go to his sons' place, they could go out together, and they can still do at his and OP's on occasion....just not every single weekend.

His relationship with his sons doesn't depend on him hosting them for drinking nights every weekend. He can still spend time with them, he can even still do the same thing with them....just not always in OP's home every weekend.

No matter what your view of relationships, no one can say that another person does not have the right to be unwilling to compromise their actions and behaviors to accommodate you. When that occurs, it simply means that you and that person are not 2 people who will find happiness living together.

I think someone who is unwilling to compromise their actions and behaviours to accommodate their partner is unlikely to find happiness being with anyone else at all, to be honest.

Compromise is one of the biggest parts of a successful relationship, and I disagree it's within someone's rights not to do that at all if they want to be in a relationship with someone else.

No matter what your view of relationships, no one can say that another person does not have the right to be unwilling to compromise their actions and behaviors to accommodate you. When that occurs, it simply means that you and that person are not 2 people who will find happiness living together.

Well you can say that when they have asked someone to move in with them and contribute equally to the household. In that case, you should definitely not expect to be dominating the living space every single weekend with drinking sessions, that's incredibly cheeky.