Adult step kids

[Hotpot11]

Hi, I’m after some advice on adult step kids please. My partner has 3 sons. Ages between 20 & 24. They don’t live with us and never have. I wanted to see if there was any advice from people who might be in the same situation. I’m trying to find a balance of where the kids are welcome to come round against the need for my own privacy too. They just walk in the house and to me, they aren’t young kids who I have raised, I met them as adults and as they don’t live here is it unreasonable to say they need to knock before just walking in? Also they always want to come round and drink with their dad and make a night of it. They treat him like he’s their mate. But we are in our 40s & I don’t want to be having this in the house every weekend. Is this normal and am I supposed to give up my boundaries where I can’t get showered or dressed or intimate with my partner without worrying someone’s going to walk in? Am I supposed to not complain about the house being treated like a pub every weekend?

@Roodicus21 no she actually said
They just walk in the house and to me, they aren’t young kids who I have raised, I met them as adults and as they don’t live here is it unreasonable to say they need to knock before just walking in?

So they don’t knock or announce themselves

But OP isn't just wanting them to knock or call before coming, she also doesn't like the drinking evenings her partner has with his sons.

@KurtWilde she said she doesn’t want it every single weekend in their house which is fair enough. She also says she’s happy for her DP to continue spending time drinking with them but perhaps sometimes go to the house 2 of his sons share instead of doing at their home every time.

It’s OP’s home too, maybe she’d like to chill out in her home some weekends without it being filled by drinking adult men. It’s a perfectly reasonable request to ask her DP to move the festivities to the sons’ house sometimes.

@KurtWilde

But OP isn't just wanting them to knock or call before coming, she also doesn't like the drinking evenings her partner has with his sons.

Is this so unreasonable though if it's every weekend? My DP wouldn't be happy if I had this type of plan every weekend, resulting in him either having to join in or keep out the way/go out, not able to relax in his own home.

Maybe now things have reopened they could go out together instead, at least some of the time. Both OP and DP, and DP and his sons.

Agreed. Some of these comments it's like you should treat your partner as the enemy. You and your kids vs them. Surely if you are in a relationship and live with someone you should care about their comfort and happiness, and be willing to make small adjustments based on this? You can't just treat them with utter contempt and disregard like some are advocating here .

So refreshing to read this discussion. I read things with that general theme so often on MN and am forever wondering how posters can think it would be worth anyone getting into a relationship with them, with the attitudes they have.

You know what... I own my house and my DP pays 50% of the bills but I’m going to say my mum & sister can come over and let themselves in unannounced whenever they feel like it and get pissed on wine with me every weekend in our living room.
They don’t live here, but their my family so it’s totally ok, right?? Regardless of my partner’s preferences for a bit of privacy on occasion?

My house, my rules though isn’t it.

Perhaps it's just a lockdown thing and now they can go out together to a pub on a weekend they'll do that instead? Or would that be wrong too?

Being pedantic here but surely they shouldn't have been coming over during lock down anyway?

I do agree there needs to be a conversation and some middle ground, but as someone who's adult kids will always be welcome to turn up whenever they fancy - unless I've specified I'm busy/out - I can see why OPs DP is how he is. I also think they probably do text him to say they're coming over for drinks but he just doesn't tell OP.

Ultimately this is just another area of incompatibility. If the OP objects to the arrangement that she found in place and her partner seemingly has little to no objection to the arrangement that he had in place prior to her moving into his home, perhaps they are not compatible living together partners. Not all lovers make good living together partners. They may be among that subset of people who do better living apart.
It is very possible to have a serious relationship and yet have no need to live together.

Her partner is no more and no less flexible than the OP; they may just have differing opinions on what they find either acceptable or tolerable.
No right and no wrong in this situation just a difference of opinion. The fact that posters seem equally split on the acceptability of this situation suggest that as many people see the OP's position as do people who share the partner's point of view.

Interestingly, the OP has not weighed in on finding her own place and having her partner stay with her. She then would not have to give keys to any of his kids and the issue would be resolved.

But if his children have always dont this why should they suddenly change to accommodate their dads girlfriend?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

But if his children have always dont this why should they suddenly change to accommodate their dads girlfriend?

Because they're adults now and weren't before?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow because op lives there and feels uncomfortable and when new partners are involved there has to be compromise all round for things to work.

She’s lived with him 2 years. Some of them would have been adults before this. They didn’t all turn 18 in 2 years.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow because the dad invited his gf to live with him and it is her home, that’s why! It is not their home and never has been their home. They are adults with their own homes, they don’t get a say what should and shouldn’t continue in another adult’s home... Their opinion on the matter is moot.

They’re adults not 3 year olds, I’m sure they can appreciate things change and adapt as situations change.

The OP is a resident adult and 50% contributor towards the bills of the house. She’s allowed to ask for the dad to go and party at the son’s house sometimes instead.

I wouldn’t dream of having the attitude to my mum’s part of “I always used to do XYZ in her house and I won’t stop because you live here”.
How fucking entitled and rude!

This thread is utterly insane.
I honestly can’t believe people would treat their partners with such disrespect and disdain in the home they invited them to live in for the past 2 years.
No wonder so many subsequent relationships fail

Her partner is no more and no less flexible than the OP; they may just have differing opinions on what they find either acceptable or tolerable.
No right and no wrong in this situation just a difference of opinion. The fact that posters seem equally split on the acceptability of this situation suggest that as many people see the OP's position as do people who share the partner's point of view.

Neither of them are right or wrong, no, but the fact is it would take very little to accommodate what OP is asking for. Just a knock from them, or a heads up from him if he knows they are coming over. It's very easy and doesn't actually require him to change very much at all. Being totally unwilling to do so isn't really just having a different opinion, it's just not being willing to make a minor effort to accommodate his partner.

In fairness, I think the differing opinions are not really about SC dynamics so much as they are about fundamental differences in how other people act around their families. There are people on this thread who obviously just walk into their family members houses as and when they like and this is considered normal, and then there are people who knock or text ahead by default regardless of whether it's just your parent living there or whether it was once your home. I am one of the latter. Knocking or texting ahead is just normal behaviour when you go to a house you don't currently live in, to me.

He doesn't have to agree with that, but it would take very very little to go along with it to respect his partner's boundaries.

Speaking as a step-mother myself you may find changing the current dynamic very difficult because this was already established before you moved in. Like you I moved into my husband's home and it really did not work for many reasons as there were long established ways of doing things and my children and I did not feel it was our home.

My step-children were adults when I got together with my husband and it was always a little tricky and there were times he put their needs above mine because that is the kind of relationship they always had. It got a lot better when we bought a house together in a different location and as my step-children got older and had families of their own.

Relationships with people who have children with ex partners always require a lot of tolerance and understanding. We learned to give each other space for our existing families and be more independent of each other. It worked for us and made our marriage stronger. I think if you make this a big issue you will alienate your step-children and it will build up resentment which would be difficult to overcome. If they come round with wine and want to spend time with their father why is this a problem? Can you not socialise with them for a short time and then get on doing your own thing? Some families do socialise together. Where I personally would draw the line would be if we had plans to do something or go out and these were dropped because the step-children turned up.

Adult children letting themselves into their parents house is quite common, although I do agree they could at least ring the bell to give you warning. I had a key to my own parents place from the time I left home until they died and would sometimes call in to see them without notice if I was passing. It was a good thing I did because I found my father on the floor in the bathroom as he had had a fall and broken his hip and had been lying there for a long time.

I wish you luck OP, I wouldn't make a big issue of this but take small steps to gradually change the dynamic, like asking them to ring the bell or text before calling in.

They might not have a say in what happens in their dads home sponge, but he does. And if this is how he enjoys spending time with his sons then perhaps he and OP just aren't compatible. Of a compromise is on the cards then great but if not it's really down to OP to decide whether she's happy to continue with the relationship.

My SC were older teens when I lived with their dad, and they already had their way of doing things. You can't just walk into an established situation like that and expect it to change because you don't like it.

aSofaNearYou

Good post. Small changes to accommodate each other is the way to go.

You can't just walk into an established situation like that and expect it to change because you don't like it
OP didn't just walk in. She was invited to live there. Unlike the adult step sons.

You can't just walk into an established situation like that and expect it to change because you don't like it

You cannot expect to live with a new partner and be in a healthy relationship without being willing to make small compromises either.

Is this just a case of a couple moving in together and realising their differences may be too much and that maybe they aren’t suited?
There are many men out there who don’t have children, or have adult children who they’ll happily go months, even years, without seeing. Would you not be happier in that set up?
Equally, your partner doesn’t deserve having to compromise the relationship he has with his children to keep you happy.
I don’t think either of you are in the wrong for wanting what you want. You’re just in the wrong relationship.