Adult step kids

[Hotpot11]

Hi, I’m after some advice on adult step kids please. My partner has 3 sons. Ages between 20 & 24. They don’t live with us and never have. I wanted to see if there was any advice from people who might be in the same situation. I’m trying to find a balance of where the kids are welcome to come round against the need for my own privacy too. They just walk in the house and to me, they aren’t young kids who I have raised, I met them as adults and as they don’t live here is it unreasonable to say they need to knock before just walking in? Also they always want to come round and drink with their dad and make a night of it. They treat him like he’s their mate. But we are in our 40s & I don’t want to be having this in the house every weekend. Is this normal and am I supposed to give up my boundaries where I can’t get showered or dressed or intimate with my partner without worrying someone’s going to walk in? Am I supposed to not complain about the house being treated like a pub every weekend?

@Hotpot11

Thank you to those who understand where I am coming from. His kids are of course welcome to come round. But to me it’s 3 adult men who don’t live here walking in when we could be getting intimate or me being half dressed. I don’t understand those people who have the mindset of it’s my house and my kids so my partner can do one if they don’t like it. That’s shows massive disrespect to any potential partner and a very entitled thought process. There’s nothing wrong with carrying on living that way but stay single! And when I went to see my parents when I was younger but had moved out I wouldn’t have dreamed of going round with my 2 sisters and having drinking nights there all the time.

Completely agree with you OP.

Anyone who treats their partner with the attitude some people are advocating here - his house, his rules, why should be care about what you think - doesn't deserve to have a partner and certainly doesn't love their partner if they're willing to treat them that way.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would walk into my mum and dad's even now with no notice, but they are still together and it's my childhood home. Tbh if they moved to a new house I had never lived in I wouldn't just walk in there - it wouldn't be my home and I wouldn't feel comfortable. And they are both my parents!

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss IT’S HER HOME!!!!
I sometimes run down to our landing cupboard to grab a towel or something. She should be able to do fucking naked cartwheels across her living room floor if she so wishes!

It’s insane that people think it’s unreasonable to be forewarned of adult men who don’t live there being present in the OP’s home. It is her home, it is not theirs.

But no. Let’s tell the resident woman who actually pays half of the bills that she’s unreasonable to expect them to knock the door or forewarn.

Absolutely disgraceful attitudes on here.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I often walked round half dressed in my own home, only OH and I live here so why wouldn't I. I would expect visitors to knock cuz that's what good manners dictate

Honestly a lot of posters on this thread don't deserve to live with a decent loving partner given the way they would be willing to treat them

My mum has a new(ish) partner (together 3 years). He doesn’t even live with my mum but stays over a lot at my mum’s house which is also my childhood home and she’s owned it outright for 26 years.
If his car is on the driveway or if he is reasonably expected to be there I would always ring the doorbell before letting myself in and announce in the hallway “Mum, it’s me!”.

Because 1. They could be up to anything

My relationship with my parents has gone from strength to strength as adults with mutual respect for each other.
No nosediving of relationships here.
And I always ring the bell of my childhood home and never just presume they are waiting expectantly for me to turn up as they have nothing better to do.
I do not wish to see either of them doing naked cartwheels and it's none of my business is thats exactly what they do!
Im an adult with my own home.
What would people make of a thread where someone's MIL just waltzed in to her childs home when the fancy took?
"Leave your husband, it's his house and his mother should have access at all times, she gave birth to him after all.."
It's a parent/child relationship between adults so it's the same thing.

@Leaninghouse yep. Same here.
My dog was desperate for a wee this morning at 6.30am and I ran downstairs totally naked to open the back door for her.
It’s normal. It’s my home and I reasonably did not expect anyone else to be there so it’s totally acceptable.

I grew up in a fairly “naked” household. My kids would think nothing of coming into my en suite to ask something whilst I was in the shower... they wouldn’t do that to my DP though and I would be horrified if my SDs walked in on me naked.

@Leaninghouse

Honestly a lot of posters on this thread don't deserve to live with a decent loving partner given the way they would be willing to treat them

Agreed. Some of these comments it's like you should treat your partner as the enemy. You and your kids vs them.

Surely if you are in a relationship and live with someone you should care about their comfort and happiness, and be willing to make small adjustments based on this? You can't just treat them with utter contempt and disregard like some are advocating here .

"Leave your husband, it's his house and his mother should have access at all times, she gave birth to him after all.."
It's a parent/child relationship between adults so it's the same thing.

Exactly.

@Youseethethingis I totally agree!!!

And I imagine any other scenario where a partner said “my house, my rules”... people would be shouting abuse and saying it’s controlling and she has as much right to privacy in her home as anyone else!

She has only asked adult non-resident men to knock before entering. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about that.

I always ring my mum but I do wall in. Often her husband doesn't know and I bring the kids never thought to ring him first

@Bibidy
You can't just treat them with utter contempt and disregard like some are advocating here

I agree. Why even date if you have no intention of treating your partner with basic respect?

@Christmasfairy2020 but you’re giving your mum a heads up... therefore if she was shagging her partner or him walking around in his pants she could forewarn him.

Do they have a key? How are they getting in?

We used to leave our door open but got frustrated with relatives just wondering in with no warning. So started having the door locked and they now ring the doorbell.

The not wanting them to walk straight in anytime unannounced is understandable.

But the not wanting them over drinking with their father is not reasonable. Sounds like your partner wants to spend the time with them. That's a discussion to have with him, not the sons issue.

I'm mildly surprised at the PPs who think that anything short of the adult children walking in without knocking whenever they want is child abuse by a wicked step mother. Get your DH in a gimp mask chained to the bannister with a sex toy inserted and leave him there for his DS to walk in. Until then, depending on the lock, leave a key in the door on the inside and/or have a chain fitted.

Good luck.

So sorry to hear that **tukanada

I was an unwelcome and unwanted stepchild and now I'm a stepmum to teenagers. We're getting near this stage when we have to decide if they can be trusted with keys to the house etc. I would not be happy if my DSC felt they had to knock the door, no matter what age.

Regardless of whom the house belongs to, who pays the bills etc. It's my SCs home as much as it is mine and it always will be. This is one of the many sacrifices you make when you choose a partner with kids.

I never knock when I go into my parents home (doors always open anyway plus I have a key). However I wouldn't just arrive with a bottle of wine and hope to have a more social/ extended visit without an invite or discussing it first. I think that's rude. If your dh agrees with you then he needs to set some boundaries, if he doesn't then I would suggest you move out. I couldn't live in a house where people felt it was ok to rack up uninvited and then stay for hours drinking.

But the not wanting them over drinking with their father is not reasonable. Sounds like your partner wants to spend the time with them. That's a discussion to have with him, not the sons issue
Definitely a discussion to be had if it's every weekend. What if OP would like to sit in her PJ's watch a film sometimes? Or god forbid have a friend of her own over for a glass of wine?
DH and I don't have anyone over without running it past each other, we respect that it's not just solely our home to call the shots in.
This was the case even before we bought together and he moved into my house. I loved and cared for him enough to make it his home too - our home.
I wouldnt dream of carrying on as if I was single and living alone.

It's my SCs home as much as it is mine and it always will be. This is one of the many sacrifices you make when you choose a partner with kids

These aren’t kids though and it is not nor ever has been their home. These are adult men who live independently, whom the OP met as adults and has had no hand in raising.

It’s a completely different situation.

@Roodicus21 I’m assuming your parents live and are still together?
If your parents had other partners who they lived with in new homes you had no ties to, would you still just walk in unannounced?

@SpongebobNoPants

It's my SCs home as much as it is mine and it always will be. This is one of the many sacrifices you make when you choose a partner with kids

These aren’t kids though and it is not nor ever has been their home. These are adult men who live independently, whom the OP met as adults and has had no hand in raising.

It’s a completely different situation.

Exactly. Where does it end? These men are adults.

@SpongebobNoPants
Yes I would. The same way as I would walk into my sisters/ brothers/best friends houses, and them mine, even though I am not related to their partners/ them. We're a friendly family though and it's very much the done thing where I live 🤷‍♀️. Might give a quick knock, open the door and call their name. But as I've said I wouldn't call unannounced with wine hoping to stay for drinks.

[quote Roodicus21]@SpongebobNoPants
Yes I would. The same way as I would walk into my sisters/ brothers/best friends houses, and them mine, even though I am not related to their partners/ them. We're a friendly family though and it's very much the done thing where I live 🤷‍♀️. Might give a quick knock, open the door and call their name. But as I've said I wouldn't call unannounced with wine hoping to stay for drinks. [/quote]
I think this is nice and totally fine as long as everyone is OK with it, which your family clearly are.

If, say, your sister's partner wasn't alright with people just showing up and walking into his house unannounced then I'd expect it to change for that household and just to give a cursory knock to let them know I was arriving. I don't think that should be an issue.

@Roodicus21
Might give a quick knock, open the door and call their name
That’s all the OP is asking for, to announce themselves on arrival or a quick heads up before coming over.
You wouldn’t just walk into your brothers / friends / other family member’s houses when they weren’t expecting you and just quietly walk in would you?

No because that would be weird to not speak to anybody. What op is describing is that they come in, sit and down and have a beer with their dad.