Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

Meeting the ex wife…or not

267 replies

FlorenceandZebedee · 22/05/2021 22:34

I’m interested to know people’s experiences of meeting partner’s ex wives when there are children involved. If you did was it beneficial and how? If you didn’t, why not? For context I am the ex and my stbxh has moved into his new partner’s house and is introducing our 2 children to his new circumstances. I have requested to meet his new partner as with no other family around she will be the default support should it be needed and also as it’s her house they’ll staying in every other weekend she will obviously be a key part of their lives,

OP posts:

Ally001 · 22/05/2021 22:43

Completely understand why you would want to, but can also see why she wouldn’t. Have things been civil with your ex and her so far?

Footloosefancyfree · 22/05/2021 22:46

Default support, what are you expecting from her?

seekingadvice23 · 22/05/2021 22:50

I think it's good for the kids to see you getting along. My ex's gf and I are on good terms. We text every now and again, buy each other's kids bday/Xmas presents.

Original poster

FlorenceandZebedee · 22/05/2021 22:51

I don’t have an expectation of her parenting them generally, that’s his job, but as the only other adult in the house and with no nearby close support if something were to happen, eg he became unwell I would expect her to look after them whilst I was getting to them.
Things are amicable ish and attempts are being made on both sides to keep it that way

OP posts:

DDIJ · 22/05/2021 22:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2021 22:53

What support are you expecting from her?

I’ve never met DH’s ex, we’ve been together 8 years, married, have a child together. He can’t stand her, I had no interest in meeting her and I have no reason to think she’d have wanted to meet me.

When my DSC are here their dad is responsible for them unless he can’t be here for some reason and then they’re in my care and it has nothing at all to do with their mother.

I don’t have her number, I don’t need it.

It’s not up to you or your ex if you meet her, she’s an autonomous adult and he can’t make her. If she declines - you don’t say what response you had - that’s a valid choice and one you have to accept.

Kjr33 · 22/05/2021 22:58

I can understand it if the kids are younger or need particular care but it’s up to her if she thinks you are just being controlling

scrivette · 22/05/2021 23:06

My husbands ex didn't want me to meet their child without her meeting me and due to logistics (we all live far apart) I first met them both at the same time.

We got on really well and became friends and would often spend time together, shopping, coffee, visiting her friends, whilst DSS and DH went out together. There were no hard feelings on either side.

Muststopeating · 22/05/2021 23:09

*When my DSC are here their dad is responsible for them unless he can’t be here for some reason and then they’re in my care and it has nothing at all to do with their mother.

I don’t have her number, I don’t need it.*

Do you have children of your own? This is so cold! Everything that happens to my children, every single thing has something to do with me. I grew them!

OP, I haven't been through this but I think it is grossly unfair that anyone (either parent) can he expected to hand their children over to live in a house with someone they've never met!

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2021 23:20

Yes I do. As you’ll see from my post where I mentioned it.

DH never met his ex’s boyfriend back when she had one and within a week of dating he’d moved in and was picking them up from school. Her decisions on her time, DH’s on his.

2019user44 · 22/05/2021 23:22

Imagine if your child went to nursery and was looked after by a key person and you as a parent said you had no interest in meeting them Or if the school said what happens in our care is nothing to do with the parents. People Would think you were completely irresponsible. In my opinion what AnneLovesGilbert says shows a complete lack of understanding about what children need. There is a lot of research that shows that children of separated parents do best when there is a good co-parenting relationship between the parents and any stepparents involved. What would happen if her husband became severely ill and she doesn’t even have the wife’s number to contact her to collect the children. I agree with Muststopeating completely. This seems very cold. OP I think you are doing completely the right thing and if everyone can get on and communicate effectively, this is best for your children.

MonkeyPuddle · 22/05/2021 23:23

DP’s exW requested this when we got together, I met both his Dd and his ex at the same time. It was a bit awkward, we went for a coffee. But I went along with it in the mindset of us all starting out on this new thing as a collective and DSDs best interests were what mattered.
We muddle along quite well, we’ll never be friends, we’re very different people, but we both buy each other’s children birthday/Christmas gifts etc.

EnoughnowIthink · 22/05/2021 23:23

When my DSC are here their dad is responsible for them unless he can’t be here for some reason and then they’re in my care and it has nothing at all to do with their mother. I don’t have her number, I don’t need it

What about the unforeseen? I never have had any contact with my ex’s partners in person but I have always known they have my number and vice versa.

Beamur · 22/05/2021 23:29

I didn't meet the ex. Have never had her phone number and still don't.
We all get on just fine and we did eventually meet, would all get together for the kids birthday and such like.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2021 23:31

She’s their mother and has never wanted to swap numbers or meet me. Why am I the unreasonable one?

She was physically abusive to my husband, she’s emotionally abusive to my lovely step children. We were never going to be friends.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2021 23:35

There is a lot of research that shows that children of separated parents do best when there is a good co-parenting relationship between the parents and any stepparents involved.

Again, not sure why you’re levelling this at me. I’m not separated from my child’s father.

I’m not involved in the relationship between my husband and his ex. Their divorce predates me and I have no interest in getting involved now.

My DSC are old enough to have their own phones, should disaster strike I can contact them and they can contact either parent as needed.

CthulhuInDisguise · 22/05/2021 23:35

I met DH's ex wife when we got engaged (a couple of months after meeting). They had been divorced for years though and she had limited supervised contact with the kids due to a court order after she abandoned them. She has always been fine with me, we get on well. We will never be close friends but she was very kind to me when I was pregnant and unwell, and when I ended up locked out of our house with baby DS and DSS2, we stayed at her house and her DP went out to get a tin of milk and nappies for DS.

I was in two minds whether to meet her because DH had been very negative about her (she had left him and the kids when DSS1 was in hospital with a life threatening condition because her affair partner didn't want her to bring the kids) but apart from telling me all the reasons she left DH (he was too boring, not exciting, too predictable) the meeting went well.

I think the situation would be different if there had been a more recent separation, or DH had been unfaithful.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 22/05/2021 23:40

When my ex and u first got together I asked him to arrange a meeting between me and his exw. I naively thought we could all be friends and be there for the kids. Unfortunately I ended up seeing for myself firsthand how utterly batshit she was. I made massive efforts for donkeys years but she would repeatedly overstep ie waltzing into my home unannounced and when I spoke to her and told her in no uncertain terms that she was expected to knock and waited for an invitation like anyone else she announced that as her children were there she expected to have a key so she could come and go when she pleased in case she wanted to check up on them.

Eventually her behaviour and his incapability to manager her contributed to me walking out on him. Ironically she still think it is my issue to sort out presents for eves birthday etc from her kids with him...bat shit I tell you

Sleepplease1111 · 22/05/2021 23:46

Ah god no I’d be meeting new girlfriends every few months

eurovisionsparkles · 22/05/2021 23:56

I've not met my ex's gf.

I feel that you can't tell what a person is like from one meeting (they are likely to be on their best/guarded behaviour) Even if they are batshit, there's nothing you can do unless your ex dumps them.

Ex's gf isn't involved in their lives any more and even back when she was, she wasn't doing any caring of the kids- their dad did the cooking and driving etc and saw them at weekends.

I understand why someone in a 50/50 situation or one where the gf is looking after the kids on her own might want to meet the gf. I also why the new gf doesn't want to meet the xw- especially if she's been told negative things.

User135792468 · 22/05/2021 23:57

I think it’s important for all to meet. You don’t need to speak regularly or have contact, but if my dc were to spend half of their time in another woman’s house, I would want to have met her. Even though parenting falls to their dad, naturally she would care for the dc too. The only women who refuse to meet the ex are either cold bitches or not mothers themselves.

anxietyanonymous · 22/05/2021 23:58

We did it. I was dreading it. Was the best thing i ever did. Put so much of my anxiety to rest. I felt that my ex was manipulating a lot of the dialogue between us so i did it to call his bluff. Actually without him there on our own woman to woman was a vast improvement. It also meant she could see first hand i was not a psycho or nutter and was perfectly reasonable in person.

We have never done it since. And we don't have each others numbers and it is many years later. That suits me. I always wanted firm boundaries and had no desire to be friends. Friendly yes, friends no.

She supports my ex in his parenting and is generally good to my kids.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/05/2021 00:02

The only women who refuse to meet the ex are either cold bitches or not mothers themselves.

What does that makes mothers who won’t meet their ex’s new partner? Cold bitches? They’re the ones whose children are potentially in the care of someone they refuse to meet. Which is no reflection on the stepmum.

KylieKoKo · 23/05/2021 00:09

I met my dps he naturally when she came to pick them up once but I wouldn't have liked to be summoned to a formal meeting.

If you do meet her and dislike her, then what? You can't barr your ex from seeing her or letting her meet your children.

User135792468 · 23/05/2021 00:09

@AnneLovesGilbert

The only women who refuse to meet the ex are either cold bitches or not mothers themselves.

Definitely (maybe just without the cold bit)!

Any adult who can’t put their children’s feelings and what’s best for them above their own is in the wrong.

The reason I said that specifically about the new partner refusing to meet the parent (be it a male or female partner) is that, you must have a cold heart to not understand why someone would want to meet you if you’re living with and helping raise their children. It would absolutely break my heart to send my children off and not know who is taking care of them (and taking on a motherly role in their life) and having no option but to sit back and accept it.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Swipe left for the next trending thread