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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Meeting the ex wife…or not

267 replies

FlorenceandZebedee · 22/05/2021 22:34

I’m interested to know people’s experiences of meeting partner’s ex wives when there are children involved. If you did was it beneficial and how? If you didn’t, why not? For context I am the ex and my stbxh has moved into his new partner’s house and is introducing our 2 children to his new circumstances. I have requested to meet his new partner as with no other family around she will be the default support should it be needed and also as it’s her house they’ll staying in every other weekend she will obviously be a key part of their lives,

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2021 10:31

I take issue with the word indulge as it has connotations of allowing someone to have something pleasurable that they want but don’t need which isn’t how I would view this.

That's exactly what it is, though. That doesn't mean it isn't a natural thing to want or a kind thing to give you, but the description fits. It would put me right off doing this for someone if the way they expressed it implied they did not and could not see that it was a favour. I don't like entitlement to my time.

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 10:34

When you split with the father of your kids you lost any say and who they meet when they are with him , that's something that should be considered when you split. So you need to approach it as the new partner is doing you a favour as they don't owe you anything.

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 10:35

aSofaNearYou said it better

BadMotherLover · 23/05/2021 10:39

This reply has been deleted

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aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2021 10:41

@FishyFriday

The thing is, when you separate from the father of your children, you are basically stepping back from the time your children spend with him. He can introduce them to whoever he likes. It's just not up to you.

Separating when you have children is heartbreaking in lots of ways. And not living FT with your children or having any input into their life with your now ex is one of the many hard things you just have to learn to accept.

That's the reality of the situation. Acknowledging that isn't cold. It just isn't a SM's job to make the ex feel better about the situation.

If everyone wants to meet up and hang out then that's fine and dandy. But many people won't want to. You just have to accept that your ex is entitled to make his own judgements and it's totally out of your hands.

Precisely, couldn't have put it better!
Kjr33 · 23/05/2021 10:43

@FishyFriday

Exactly right. I would add that you should also be winning the same exact freedom for yourself though so when the kids are with you it’s your choice who they meet etc

User135792468 · 23/05/2021 10:54

@FishyFriday

The thing is, when you separate from the father of your children, you are basically stepping back from the time your children spend with him. He can introduce them to whoever he likes. It's just not up to you.

Separating when you have children is heartbreaking in lots of ways. And not living FT with your children or having any input into their life with your now ex is one of the many hard things you just have to learn to accept.

That's the reality of the situation. Acknowledging that isn't cold. It just isn't a SM's job to make the ex feel better about the situation.

If everyone wants to meet up and hang out then that's fine and dandy. But many people won't want to. You just have to accept that your ex is entitled to make his own judgements and it's totally out of your hands.

I agree with a lot of what you say. He is, of course, free to introduce them to whoever. I’m not saying that I think the ex should meet a girlfriend as soon as she appears on the scene, but I think it’s very different when he plans to live with someone / marry them / have another baby with them. I’m also not saying it should be a formal meeting or summoning, but a casual hello on drop off or pick up. All adults in any situation can surely manage that?

I will never understand how people can say they have no interest in meeting a new partner. How can you have no interest in half of your child’s life? How can you really not give a crap about having a positive relationship with the people helping raise the children? In my opinion, it is cold hearted to put your own needs above creating harmony for the children. Refusing to meet someone is not co-parenting.

It isn’t up to the step parent to make an ex feel better about a situation. However, the dynamic changes many times when a new partner comes on the scene. They have influence over their partner which can improve or worsen co-parenting with the other parent.

If you’re bringing someone into your children’s lives for the long haul then I think it is just a matter of being a decent human being and being respectful to be open to meeting and having a positive (or as positive as is possible) relationship with the other parent whether you like what you’ve heard about them or not. At the end of the day, the children are the only ones that matter. As a parent or step parent, you sometimes have to put on your big girl pants and suck it up.

Obviously, if there has been an abusive relationship in the past then the situation and approach would be different.

Mumoblue · 23/05/2021 10:55

My ex doesn’t have a new partner, but I’m not too worried about it when it happens.
He tends to go for caring and nurturing types because he essentially expects to be mothered in a relationship, so I’m sure whoever he ends up with will be lovely. My only concern is if he picks someone who is as lazy as he is, (and he’s incredibly lazy. My 16 month old son can’t have sleepovers at his dads because his dad refuses to brush his teeth as “it’s a hassle”).

We’ve both agreed we won’t introduce the baby to new partners until we’ve been dating them for over 6 months to a year, but I fully expect him to break that.
I’d be interested to meet whoever he ends up with, I just hope he’s nicer to her than he was to me.

User135792468 · 23/05/2021 10:59

@ThatIsMyPotato

When you split with the father of your kids you lost any say and who they meet when they are with him , that's something that should be considered when you split. So you need to approach it as the new partner is doing you a favour as they don't owe you anything.
The new partner is doing you a favour? I’m genuinely speechless. These attitudes are why there are negative co-parenting relationships and children feel the need to try and navigate everybody else’s feelings at the expense of their own. If my partner had that type of attitude to the father of my children, I would be done with the relationship. It’s selfish and immature.
User135792468 · 23/05/2021 11:04

@FishyFriday I think your attitude is just bizarre. How can you not care about 50% of your children’s lives? The people raising them all will have an influence on the people they will become. The fact that you describe the ex as “his problem” says it all. I feel sorry for all the children involved in your set up.

FishyFriday · 23/05/2021 11:04

[quote Kjr33]@FishyFriday

Exactly right. I would add that you should also be winning the same exact freedom for yourself though so when the kids are with you it’s your choice who they meet etc[/quote]
Oh absolutely. It goes both ways. Your ex does not get to vet your partners or friends or other choices. They just have to learn to accept that they only have control over what happens during their contact with the children too.

Continuing to interfere in your ex's life on the basis that it's 'best for the children' is rarely a healthy post-separation dynamic.

Those families where everyone does hang out together are only able to do so because everyone has processed the emotions involved and accepted that they have no right to try to control the other's contact time. Anyone insisting on meeting a new partner is unlikely to have done this.

What would it be intended to achieve? Is it to make you feel better about the situation? That's not the new partner's job. Is it because you imagine that you get some sort of say in whether and how the relationship progresses? That's just unacceptable? Is it so you can lay out your expectations in relation to your children? You're not in charge of either your ex or his partner. Are you just curious? It's not really your business. And so on.

I'd suggest that anyone who feels that they somehow require this needs to access some counselling to help them to come to terms with their situation.

I trust my ex to make his own choices and judgements. I trust he'll do the right thing for DS. I have to. If I genuinely couldn't do this because of his behaviour or attitude (rather than my own needs), then I'd be looking at legal options for supervised contact on the basis that he was not a safe parent. But that is a completely different situation and not something that meeting his partner would possibly fix. As he is a competent father, I just have to let him get on with his life.

I wouldn't refuse to meet his partner if she wanted to meet me. I'd be polite and indulge her (because it is an indulgence). But neither of us need to meet. From her point of view, I'm basically a bit of annoying baggage my ex has to deal with while DS grows up. And from mine, she's just a feature of his life post-split. It's no more my business than what colour rug he chooses for his living room.

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 11:05

Yes if I went out for a coffee with DH's ex at her request (why would I request it?) Then it is doing her a favour because she wants to meet me and judge/ask me questions. I don't need to get to know her. My DH is the parent.

QuentinBunbury · 23/05/2021 11:09

I see DPs exW quite a lot at pick up/drop off, and kids school shows etc.
I also asked to meet exH new GF as I think its easier for the children if they see there is no animosity towards news partners.

My ex refuses to ever meet DP and that definitely causes problems as it makes my children feel disloyal to their dad for liking DP.

Original poster
FlorenceandZebedee · 23/05/2021 11:09

The whole reason I posted in step parenting was to try and take a view from that side as this is unknown to me. It’s clear from responses that this is not going to be easy for anyone. I know that I have no right to see her. I have no right to say whether she is appropriate to be with my children and I have no right to any say on how they spend their time when they are with their dad. I certainly don’t expect her to parent my children, that is their dad’s job, but by inviting them into her life and home she will have a relationship with them and be a key person in their lives. I reiterate that I am after a brief hello and chat to try and establish good relations for the sake of the children. That I am being seen as demanding or manipulative for this is unexpected. It may be that I don’t like her and have to suck it up. She might not like me and have to do the same. Or we might be ok with each other and that will surely benefit everyone?

@BadMotherLover your comments say far more about you than they do about me.

OP posts:
User135792468 · 23/05/2021 11:10

@ThatIsMyPotato

Yes if I went out for a coffee with DH's ex at her request (why would I request it?) Then it is doing her a favour because she wants to meet me and judge/ask me questions. I don't need to get to know her. My DH is the parent.
I wouldn’t view it as her trying to judge me. I’d see it more as, this is the woman who will pick up my child and give them a cuddle when they fall and graze their knee so it’s important for us to be on the same page with raising these children if they’re with her for the same amount of time as they’re with me. Children are happy when they think everyone else is happy. I’d want my children to be able to talk happily about what they’ve done with dad and his partner at my house and the same at their house. It’s easier when you all know each other and are not strangers.
aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2021 11:11

The new partner is doing you a favour? I’m genuinely speechless. These attitudes are why there are negative co-parenting relationships and children feel the need to try and navigate everybody else’s feelings at the expense of their own. If my partner had that type of attitude to the father of my children, I would be done with the relationship. It’s selfish and immature

Rather than just getting frothy with nothing to back it up, can you explain why this is not a favour? Because it very clearly is.

FishyFriday · 23/05/2021 11:12

[quote User135792468]@FishyFriday I think your attitude is just bizarre. How can you not care about 50% of your children’s lives? The people raising them all will have an influence on the people they will become. The fact that you describe the ex as “his problem” says it all. I feel sorry for all the children involved in your set up.[/quote]
I care about my DS all the time. But the fact is that my ex and I decided we would no longer be together. Part of that is that I don't have any say in what my ex decides during his contact time. And vice versa.

My husband's ex is a bloody nightmare. She is most definitely his problem to deal with. He chose to have two children with her. I did not. I'm not involving myself or my children in dealing with her nonsense, thank you very much.

The kids are fine. Well the SC would be better if their parents were less difficult and antagonistic. But they have the parents they have. I can't change that. Their screwed up relationship is not my doing. Nor is it in my power to fix. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/05/2021 11:14

I have met her, unfortunately, but never arranged. I don't think it's necessary and you sound overly involved.

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 11:16

User135792468 fair enough, that makes sense. It is still more for their mum than the stepmum though so I would still see it as a favour to put myself through the scrutiny.

FishyFriday · 23/05/2021 11:17

@FlorenceandZebedee

The whole reason I posted in step parenting was to try and take a view from that side as this is unknown to me. It’s clear from responses that this is not going to be easy for anyone. I know that I have no right to see her. I have no right to say whether she is appropriate to be with my children and I have no right to any say on how they spend their time when they are with their dad. I certainly don’t expect her to parent my children, that is their dad’s job, but by inviting them into her life and home she will have a relationship with them and be a key person in their lives. I reiterate that I am after a brief hello and chat to try and establish good relations for the sake of the children. That I am being seen as demanding or manipulative for this is unexpected. It may be that I don’t like her and have to suck it up. She might not like me and have to do the same. Or we might be ok with each other and that will surely benefit everyone?

@BadMotherLover your comments say far more about you than they do about me.

You could just wait and say hi when you happen to come across her in a natural way though. You don't have to summon her to a meeting.
User135792468 · 23/05/2021 11:17

@aSofaNearYou

The new partner is doing you a favour? I’m genuinely speechless. These attitudes are why there are negative co-parenting relationships and children feel the need to try and navigate everybody else’s feelings at the expense of their own. If my partner had that type of attitude to the father of my children, I would be done with the relationship. It’s selfish and immature

Rather than just getting frothy with nothing to back it up, can you explain why this is not a favour? Because it very clearly is.

I’m not getting frothy, I’m disagreeing with you.

Co-parenting is not about doing favours. If you choose to be with a man with children, you’re not doing anybody a “favour” by having a positive relationship with the children’s mother. You’re doing what’s right for everyone involved and not making it all about yourself. Calling it a “favour” is you trying to control the situation and “establish” yourself and your importance in your partners life. It’s about making you feel more secure and not what’s best for the children in the long run.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/05/2021 11:19

Co-parenting is not about doing favours

Parents co parent. A step parent doesnt co parent.

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 11:19

I would get nothing from meeting her, and I don't wish her ill, I'm the one who helps DH see her point of view sometimes. But she is nothing to me.

FishyFriday · 23/05/2021 11:20

I’d see it more as, this is the woman who will pick up my child and give them a cuddle when they fall and graze their knee so it’s important for us to be on the same page with raising these children if they’re with her for the same amount of time as they’re with me.

But you don't get to write the book and meet her to ensure she'll do it the way you want. You just don't.

What if you meet up and she declines to do things your way? What are you going to do?

It's far better to just accept that you are not in control of anything that happens in your ex's time. If you have concerns that he is an inadequate parent, that's a completely different issue and not about his new partner at all.

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 11:22

you’re not doing anybody a “favour” by having a positive relationship with the children’s mother It is perfectly possible for me to have no relationship with her. It's working pretty well for us all thanks, boundaries are not blurred etc. I don't coparent so no need for me to communicate with her ever unless DH is incapacitated in which case SC has a phone.