Meeting the ex wife…or not

[FlorenceandZebedee]

I’m interested to know people’s experiences of meeting partner’s ex wives when there are children involved. If you did was it beneficial and how? If you didn’t, why not? For context I am the ex and my stbxh has moved into his new partner’s house and is introducing our 2 children to his new circumstances. I have requested to meet his new partner as with no other family around she will be the default support should it be needed and also as it’s her house they’ll staying in every other weekend she will obviously be a key part of their lives,

I reiterate that I am after a brief hello and chat to try and establish good relations for the sake of the children. That I am being seen as demanding or manipulative for this is unexpected. It may be that I don’t like her and have to suck it up. She might not like me and have to do the same. Or we might be ok with each other and that will surely benefit everyone?

To be fair, you didn't sound demanding or manipulative in your initial post. There's no harm in asking, something along the lines of "any chance I could pop my head around to say a quick hello to GF?" I would just steer clear of defensive comments about it not being a favour and that being a somehow shocking suggestion, and of course, accept no if that is the response. Digging your heels in on this will cause far more potential damage to your kids than you simply not having met up with her.

FishyFriday makes a good point. It's not for you to decide what page your ex and his new partner are on.

I think the issue here is that some mothers absolutely do believe that they are the senior parent. And, as such, they are in charge of everyone and everything to do with their children.

Why else would they fail to see that an ex's new partner has a right to have a say in her own house, life and relationship? It's not the SM that's being controlling if she isn't just doing what the children's mother decides she's allowed to do (in her own home).

Yes @ThatIsMyPotato.

The ex gets to write his own parenting book for his children. And should be discussing and agreeing that with the woman he shares his life and home with. L

He doesn't have to do things his ex's way. Just as she doesn't have to do things his way.

I think that's it FishyFriday. I suppose it's an adjustment after divorce.

Co-parenting is not about doing favours. If you choose to be with a man with children, you’re not doing anybody a “favour” by having a positive relationship with the children’s mother. You’re doing what’s right for everyone involved and not making it all about yourself. Calling it a “favour” is you trying to control the situation and “establish” yourself and your importance in your partners life. It’s about making you feel more secure and not what’s best for the children in the long run.

And a step parent is not a co parent. They are a boyfriend or girlfriend of one of the adults, from whom anything done for or in the interests of the children, is a favour. The sooner you accept that basic reality and stop being "speechless" about it, the better.

@FlorenceandZebedee

Ok, so I’m new to all of this and time and experience may change my views but I’m surprised that someone would view a request to be met as ‘indulging’ a mum. In everyday life I wouldn’t let my children have a play date with someone I hadn’t at least met/spoken to/exchanged numbers with so why would I not want to know who will be looking after my children-potentially at some points by themselves if circumstances arise which dictate this? I would always make the request politely as demands will never go down well but I wouldn’t see it as someone doing me a favour I’d see it as normal for someone who was inviting children into their lives and home to want the best for them and that would mean as good communication as possible….

Out of interest, if you were setting up a play date with someone you trusted and knew well.... How would you feel if your ExDH said they needed to be met by him first.

I agree that a parent should have met someone who is going to be looking after their kids and be comfortable with them. As you say, that's expected and normal. But your ex has done that vetting and is comfortable and that should be enough.

Unless you're happy for him to vet every friend, family member, childminder etc that you select.

A friend of mine is divorced and she doesn't have a partner. If she's in a pinch I am often her default emergency childcare. Her ExH has never shown any interest in meeting me or having my number.

Yet he has said he expects to meet any future partner of hers. Why? Well in his case it's because he is controlling (and was abusive). I find it extremely interesting that he says he should meet any partner of hers "because they will look after his child" - but doesn't feel the same need to meet me, who regularly looks after his child.

I think you can say you would like to meet her, and maybe she will say yes. But you can't at all insist on meeting her, or refuse contact if she doesn't want to.

I am a SM. I actually offered to meet their DM to try and ease all of this (was hoping for friendly if not friends) several years ago, but she refused.

If she had wanted to meet me, I would have gone, although I would have looked poorly on a demand to meet me before I was "allowed" to meet the children.

I had back then naively assumed we could have all got along for the kids. Unfortunately, we can't and she is vile about me. Which is a shame. Fortunately I have a great relationship with SDs and we get on really well, which is lovely and such a relief.

@FishyFriday once again couldn’t have put it better! The mother of children believing she is senior parent and requires control of every aspect of the children’s life.

For example, say that you are vegan. You feel strongly about this. You want your children to have a plant-based diet.

While you were together, your ex didn't agree with you but figured that he wouldn't challenge it. You did all the cooking for the family, so he just went along with it.

Post separation he has no intention of being vegan. And since he's cooking, he chooses to feed his children meat and dairy. Ultimately, he's entitled to do so, regardless what you think. So long as he's feeding them reasonably, you can't insist that he follows the diet of your choice. They are his kids as much as yours.

Nor can you insist that his new partner (who now does all the cooking for the lazy bugger) follows your dietary choices.

Similarly, you can't insist that she cooks them meat because you do if she provides them with vegan meals. Your ex is responsible for feeding them. If he's happy with the meals they're getting while in his care, then you just have to live with it.

You can try to persuade him to do what you want through mediation. But it is his choice. You're not in control.

Accepting that is just the reality of parenting post separation. Your ex will at various points make different choices to you. You aren't the boss so you don't get to tell him he must do it your way.

You wouldn't like it if he decreed that bedtime must be 9pm rather than 8pm at your house. Or that the kids must be allowed coco pops for breakfast. Or anything else.

That's a very good point @OnceUponAThread.

I guess that people will insist that you don't live with the children. But ultimately, it's up to the parent who responsible for the children at any particular time to make the call on partners, overnight guests, babysitters, sleep overs, and so on.

As I said, it is a really hard thing for people to come to terms with. Not having that parental authority for 100% of your children's lives because you share contact with an ex is just something people need to accept.

You wouldn't insist that you get to meet a child's teacher and decide the rules that will apply to your child while in her care. You choose the school and you have to trust that they'll make the right decisions.

You chose to have children with your ex. You have to accept that he has parental responsibility too. And he'll exercise that as he likes while he's responsible for the children.

@FlorenceandZebedee

Ok, so I’m new to all of this and time and experience may change my views but I’m surprised that someone would view a request to be met as ‘indulging’ a mum. In everyday life I wouldn’t let my children have a play date with someone I hadn’t at least met/spoken to/exchanged numbers with so why would I not want to know who will be looking after my children-potentially at some points by themselves if circumstances arise which dictate this? I would always make the request politely as demands will never go down well but I wouldn’t see it as someone doing me a favour I’d see it as normal for someone who was inviting children into their lives and home to want the best for them and that would mean as good communication as possible….

Can I ask, when you were together, did you make sure your now XH also met the parent of anyone your child was going to play with in advance? Or did he accept that as you had 'vetted' them, that was good enough for him? I suspect for, and for most of us, it would be the latter.

Whilst it's great if everyone wants to meet up and get along, it doesn't always happen. Your XH has chosen this person and that's up to him. If he's happy to involve her in the children's lives, that may well have to be sufficient for you.

I met DH's ex accidentally in a pub so that got it over and done with. But if she had insisted on meeting me, I'm not sure I'd have gone along. Probably, just to keep the peace.

The thing with exes rather than schools is that you can't decide that they aren't working out as you'd like and change so your children have a different father. Nor can you decide to opt out of the system and just do it all yourself. You are both equally parents to the children and you just have to live with that. Even if he makes choices you'd really prefer he didn't.

(Other than in the kind of extreme circumstances where a court will intervene obviously).

@FishyFriday

The thing with exes rather than schools is that you can't decide that they aren't working out as you'd like and change so your children have a different father. Nor can you decide to opt out of the system and just do it all yourself. You are both equally parents to the children and you just have to live with that. Even if he makes choices you'd really prefer he didn't.

(Other than in the kind of extreme circumstances where a court will intervene obviously).

Well said. My DP has had to accept over the years that his ex's approach to raising their son is totally different to his and is totally shaping his character. As his RP, this influence is far greater than a NR step parents is likely to be, but he just has to accept it. It's just how it is, there's nothing you can do.

@FishyFriday

For example, say that you are vegan. You feel strongly about this. You want your children to have a plant-based diet.

While you were together, your ex didn't agree with you but figured that he wouldn't challenge it. You did all the cooking for the family, so he just went along with it.

Post separation he has no intention of being vegan. And since he's cooking, he chooses to feed his children meat and dairy. Ultimately, he's entitled to do so, regardless what you think. So long as he's feeding them reasonably, you can't insist that he follows the diet of your choice. They are his kids as much as yours.

Nor can you insist that his new partner (who now does all the cooking for the lazy bugger) follows your dietary choices.

Similarly, you can't insist that she cooks them meat because you do if she provides them with vegan meals. Your ex is responsible for feeding them. If he's happy with the meals they're getting while in his care, then you just have to live with it.

You can try to persuade him to do what you want through mediation. But it is his choice. You're not in control.

Accepting that is just the reality of parenting post separation. Your ex will at various points make different choices to you. You aren't the boss so you don't get to tell him he must do it your way.

You wouldn't like it if he decreed that bedtime must be 9pm rather than 8pm at your house. Or that the kids must be allowed coco pops for breakfast. Or anything else.

I agree with you that each parent and their respective partners have their own rules in their own houses. However, meeting one another and being pleasant has absolutely nothing to do with this at all. Meeting a new partner isn’t about the ex trying to set out rules in the other house, it’s about meeting the person who is with your child for 50% of their life.

In general, the comparison of play dates / teachers etc. is not at all comparable. You can’t compare temporary people in a child’s life (a play date for an afternoon or a teacher for one academic year) to a parents partner who they live with on a day to day basis.

For those saying that they aren’t co-parents, then I find this quite sad. If you are taking on a parenting role (which inevitably you will if the child is in your house for 50% of the time), then you are co-parent. I’d like to think you don’t ignore the child and make them feel unwelcome in their own home.

For those saying that they aren’t co-parents, then I find this quite sad. If you are taking on a parenting role (which inevitably you will if the child is in your house for 50% of the time), then you are co-parent. I’d like to think you don’t ignore the child and make them feel unwelcome in their own home.

I don't know where you're getting 50% from, my DSS is with us EOW, as is OPs kids with her ex. That actually is pretty comparable to regular childcare/teachers, tbh. I'm not his parent when he's here, I'm either with his parent or I'm babysitting for him. There is a huge difference between being a coparent, and ignoring the child. Only the parents are coparenting. Everyone else is just helping them out.

Meeting a new partner isn’t about the ex trying to set out rules in the other house, it’s about meeting the person who is with your child for 50% of their life. for the ex's benefit. Therefore it would be out of the goodness of my own heart if I met her. She is not owed it just because she is their mother.

For those saying that they aren’t co-parents, then I find this quite sad. don't feel sad, it's working well for everyone in our set up. My SC don't need another parent. I don't ignore them, there is an in-between!

And we don't have them 50% of their lives. Even if it was 50/50 contact they'd see their school teacher more than me I expect.

@aSofaNearYou

For those saying that they aren’t co-parents, then I find this quite sad. If you are taking on a parenting role (which inevitably you will if the child is in your house for 50% of the time), then you are co-parent. I’d like to think you don’t ignore the child and make them feel unwelcome in their own home.

I don't know where you're getting 50% from, my DSS is with us EOW, as is OPs kids with her ex. That actually is pretty comparable to regular childcare/teachers, tbh. I'm not his parent when he's here, I'm either with his parent or I'm babysitting for him. There is a huge difference between being a coparent, and ignoring the child. Only the parents are coparenting. Everyone else is just helping them out.

My situation is 50/50 which I’d say is very common these days. It looks like we co-parent very differently to others which maybe I didn’t realise until now. We met respective partners when it started to get serious and we knew there was a future. Nothing organised or forced, just popping in for a coffee at a pick up / drop off. Exchanging pleasantries and asking how everyone is has just made life nicer for everyone.

I have 2 younger dc with my dh and an older dc with my ex. My dh parents my older dc just like he does the younger ones. They all feel equal and my ex accepts that this is what is best for our shared child. If my eldest thought that my dh was just there to help and babysit as opposed to fully accepting them as part of the family, I think it would be damaging for them. As a result, when my ex met someone (who had their own child and they haven’t had any together), we met briefly so I could put a face to the name. It wasn’t straight away and it was very informal. She has a different way of doing things but she is always fair to both my dc and her own and that’s all I can ask for. We’re not friends, we don’t meet up, we don’t have much to do with one another but we will always smile and say hello and speak positively about the other to my dc.

User your set up sounds great, I'm not bashing it.

What I do take issue with is when people demand meetings and are shocked and appalled when people point out that the things they do for their kids are favours to them. That suggests a level of entitlement from them about what they should expect from others regarding their kids.

I think a lot of resident parents struggle to understand that not all blended families have a dynamic where the step parent is essentially a third parent, because the reality is that nobody would sign up to a relationship with someone that has their kids full time if they weren't up for this. It is often not like this when your partner is a NRP, and there can be varying degrees of involvement.

My DSS is not aware of the dynamic between the adults. When he is here I talk to him as the adult in charge in the same way I do DD, so why would he be aware I view it as a favour? It's not like I say that to him.

And furthermore, if you are not friends with the GF afterwards and never see or interact with her then I cannot see how you can really argue this has any particular impact on the kids, rather than just the mum. If it's to lead to a back and forth relationship that the kids will see then yes, that sounds valuable, but one coffee when they're not there doesn't really do anything for them. It just satisfies the mum.

It also depends on the ex, in my case I am pretty sure it will lead to "Potato has nice clothes/a good job etc so you can afford to give me more maintenance". The less she knows about me the less hassle for everyone.

OP - I am a Stepmum but in a very different situation to yours. My DSD's mum is very hostile to me, so I can't claim to entirely relate to your situation given the extremeness of my experience.
However, I think if you were to let your ex know that your door is open and you would be happy to make a connection with his new partner if she is interested, then that sounds like reaching out in a friendly way rather than coming across as thinking your have the right to vet his partner.

The mother of children believing she is senior parent and requires control of every aspect of the children’s life

I’ll add further ‘depth’ to this discussion, one of my children was diagnosed post-divorce with type 1 diabetes. It’s a complex condition to manage and gets life threatening very quickly. Ex attended 20 minutes of training in hospital and declared to said child that ‘I know more about diabetes than you ever will’ yet I have to send simple stuff with my child like multipacks of haribo, easily available in any supermarket (he has one 5 minuteswalk away and he is able bodied) which is essential type 1 kit because he doesn’t keep any in. He won’t buy a box of needles (£5 for 100 in several online pharmacies) in case he runs out or anything else. He doesn’t even carb count - let’s the eldest child do it. So I’m sorry, but 100% I am the senior parent where type 1 is concerned because I have bothered to learn the basics and spend money on back up kit in case of emergency. And no fucking way on this earth is that child being left with an adult without any training whatsoever in his condition. Thankfully, I can afford a phone for type 1 child, I live close by and eldest child has taken the time to fully understand what he’s dealing with but fuck me, there are situations where it’s essential to engage with a child’s other parent. I am not being dramatic when I say it’s life or death and a huge degree of control is required to ensure that said child is kept well, let alone alive.

@User135792468

For those saying that they aren’t co-parents, then I find this quite sad. If you are taking on a parenting role (which inevitably you will if the child is in your house for 50% of the time), then you are co-parent. I’d like to think you don’t ignore the child and make them feel unwelcome in their own home.

I find this an odd comment. Can you really on imagine two situations, one where the step mum acts completely like a parent and one where she totally ignores the children? Can you not fathom that you can be a kind interested adult who is more like a friend/auntie figure?

And see you saying that you'd want your child's step mum to have an equal say in things like schooling, come to all parents evenings and have equal say to you in all patenting decisions? Or would you say that the step mum needs to keep her nose out and let the parents deal with it? Because if it's not the former then you actually don't think step parents are co-parents.

As a child of separated parents I would have hated any step parent to be a "co parent". I would have found it pushy and over bearing. I already had two parents I didn't need someone else coming abs sticking their oar in.

That said, I don’t routinely meet with ex’s girlfriends (so many...)... but I would insist on it if one were to become a permanent feature in their lives.

@EnoughnowIthink

That said, I don’t routinely meet with ex’s girlfriends (so many...)... but I would insist on it if one were to become a permanent feature in their lives.

You can insist all you want but if she says no then you'd have to accept it.