Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

[Britsmums11]

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

@JustLyra

I’m not the one taking a drip fed comment from the OP and twisting it desperately.

Nor am I the one repeatedly twisting other posters words.

Twisting it? I don't need to twist it. The child didn't know their dad for four years. That is a fact. There is no twist in there.

You're repeatedly twisting mine. Repeatedly.

Ffs. The only people who actually KNOW what really went on, are the op's dh and his ex.

what's the point of labouring the issue when it's all just speculation anyway and adds nothing to the debate.

It's pure bike-shedding.

@CandyLeBonBon

No *@ALevelhelp* - we're to sit home, in our sackcloth and ashes, watching everyone else treat themselves, lest we be labelled as frivolous, money grabbing bitches! 😂

Yes, get back in your box Peasant

Well yes exactly, like every single other thready on MN ever

😂 @ALevelhelp

I've taken none of it personally. I know who I am and where my morals sit and I'm absolutely OK with that. I haven't tried to insult you, I genuinely feel your posts come across a bit sad like something has really hit you hard in life that has caused you to be very streamlined in your vilification for any single Mum who refuses to be a martyr.

I've not name called which you have done actually so I'm certainly not intending to put you down, just point out how it reads.

It’s also been a complete waste of everyone’s time as the OP, quite clearly, had no intention of ever paying and was simply looking back up that it’s ok to say “50:50 or as we are with no maintenance. Like it or lump it”.

"Do you not read properly on purpose?
The evidence is she sent one text, or didn't.

Is that sufficient?

I also said I wouldn't be okay with not paying maintenance unless they had 50/50 and it was appropriate. Did you miss that?

I also said ignoring her (if he did that) is shitty. Again, did you miss that?

Well we don't know barely anything else and yet everyone is aok with vilifying op and her husband aren't they. But not the ex because oh we don't knooooooow. We don't know much else either but op has been called all the names under the sun and warned that her husband will leave her like he did before, except we had no idea if he did.

It's the double standards that get me. Its crazy."

I have read everything perfectly fine thank you.
You on the other hand seem very angry.
There is no evidence a text was sent or wasnt sent or what exactly happened at all unless YOU have any evidence?
You sound like you know alot on the situation were you there?

Yes I did read you said it was shitty if he ignored her, but why is it just 'shitty' why does he get a free pass of being just 'shitty' but that the mum must work harder and repeatedly tell him the same information over and over again and if she doesn't then she's 'keeping the child from him to teach him a lesson.'
You have added your own drama to it to vilify the ex.

@CandyLeBonBon

Ffs. The only people who actually KNOW what really went on, are the op's dh and his ex.

what's the point of labouring the issue when it's all just speculation anyway and adds nothing to the debate.

It's pure bike-shedding.

Exactly and it's beside the point, it's irrelevant what happened in the past (which I think if it did happen as were being led to believe is disgusting), this thread is about an innocent child not being pushed around like a pawn.

To be fair @TrustTheGeneGenie you've made your fair share of shitty comments - one of which was deleted, so you're not really in a position to complain.

@Iyland

I've taken none of it personally. I know who I am and where my morals sit and I'm absolutely OK with that. I haven't tried to insult you, I genuinely feel your posts come across a bit sad like something has really hit you hard in life that has caused you to be very streamlined in your vilification for any single Mum who refuses to be a martyr.

I've not name called which you have done actually so I'm certainly not intending to put you down, just point out how it reads.

This is incredibly offensive. Put down your armchair psychology book and stop trying to tell me how I feel. It's disgusting. People are allowed to have differing opinions without having "trauma" ffs.

I have made the comment that I think what she did was wrong. I haven't said she should martyr herself and I don't know why you're suggesting I have. I know where my morals stand and I wouldn't be able to sleep at night having done this. If you don't agree with that, that's fine. But it doesn't make me a woman hater, and it doesn't mean I despise single mums. I had a single mum and a shit dad so believe me, I know who worked the hardest.

You are attempting to put me down by saying it's sad, I'm sad, something must have happened to me. It's fucking disgusting.

You're trying to shut me up by essentially saying there is something wrong with me simply because I disagree with you. It's vile.

@CandyLeBonBon

To be fair *@TrustTheGeneGenie* you've made your fair share of shitty comments - one of which was deleted, so you're not really in a position to complain.

I can't complain that someone is telling me something must have happened to me? Wow. High standards here isn't there.

I also don't think it's right to deny a child and the father access to each other for 4 years and then turn up expecting child support. I think that if you make a choice to keep the existence of a child secret, then you do lose the moral entitlement to support from the other parent. That said, in practical terms the child has to be fed and housed, so it's one of those things a father has to put up with I suppose. I will definitely be telling my sons not to believe any woman who claims to be on birth control and to trust only themselves when it comes to contraception.
If I was the OP I would definitely not be a huge fan of DSS mother, if she claimed to have sent one text and that was it. I understand her not wanting to give the woman any money - but in the end paying the cs herself is probably the easiest solution. Regardless of whether dss wants 50/50, you have to get the mum to agree and many mums will not agree to this. Also, I've spent way more than £250 on DD this month - it's not going to save you any money doing 50/50. You are going to have to get a room ready, buy clothes, toys etc before you even start. That's a big outlay when money is tight.

I just feel sorry for the poor boy stuck in the middle of all of this

think that if you make a choice to keep the existence of a child secret, then you do lose the moral entitlement to support from the other parent

We don’t know that’s the case.

And the child has a right to support from both their parents.

@ALevelhelp

I just feel sorry for the poor boy stuck in the middle of all of this

So do I.

"Dear Prince amongst Men
I've found out I'm pregnant. I'm about 8 weeks I think but I'm booking in with a midwife soon. I know this will be a shock to you. It's a shock to me too! Message me back if you want to know more or be involved. If I don't hear from you I'll take it you don't want anything to do with me or the baby and I won't bother you again. Regards Fling Lady"
If the OP's husband was sent a text along those lines, of course she would only send the one. If every other text message she had previously sent him and been received why would she think differently in this case? Easy for him to deny receipt, easy for her to say she sent it. Too much time has elapsed since then. I sent a text to someone in ex's family that I'd sent to numerous others the same day. Miraculously hers was the only one not received and she created such a fuss about it there was a family fall out for 10 years. She had form for dramatics. She damn well got the text.
I hope the boys mum spends all the £250 on gin, nails and hair and saves anything left for a dirty weekend away.
I hope the boy in all this is well loved and cared for by his mum as he has a step mother who thinks he is pretty worthless and a dad who is incapable of prioritising both his children's needs on an equal footing.

@Britsmums11

Sadly some women do get pregnant and then not tell the man involved for many years or even ever! My friend found out her husband had a secret brother when suddenly a woman announced his dad as a father 40 years after the event.
Both men and women have one night stands and if the woman becomes pregnant and decides not to share the information then cannot blame man for not knowing. Men can never do right by some women on here so ignore them.

Your partner wants to see his son 50:50 great, she might prefer money but its what is best for son that matters.

The sahd sounds a great idea. Have his son around as often as you can and good luck

@Iyland

It came from a place of concern actually. Using terms like golden uterus is not the behaviour I would expect to see from any woman. It comes across quite venomous tbh.

I'm also not suggesting trauma, possibly seriously triggered because of your own experience with a step child's Mum. You're very angry and interesting that you seem to think I care whether you agree with me.

Your response to, and let's face it, the majority that disagree with you is quite nasty at times.

I think you need to look at your own behaviour before calling anyone disgusting.

Report the comments though as I've obviously upset you for which I apologise, maybe best they are removed.

Keep you concern to yourself. It's offensive.

Yeah. The phrase 'golden uterus' was pretty offensive tbh. It's a phrase dripping with bitterness.

Again I apologise for causing you offence in my response to your offensive behaviour.

I should really do some work now so I'll bid you a good day.

For the sake of this little boy I hope you sort this mess out OP.

@CandyLeBonBon

Yeah. The phrase 'golden uterus' was pretty offensive tbh. It's a phrase dripping with bitterness.

It's used frequently on this board. I'm not the first and I won't be the last, because it's a feature of this board that as a first wife / mother of first children you can do no wrong.

Nobody is forcing anyone to come to this board or respond to threads.

I'm not bitter, dps ex is certainly not someone I aspire to be like but nor did she keep any children secret.

I didn't call you bitter. I said the phrase drips with bitterness. Not the same thing, and not personally directed at you. I've been on here a long time and I've never seen the phrase used. It's very loaded, and pretty offensive in my opinion.

@CandyLeBonBon

I didn't call you bitter. I said the phrase drips with bitterness. Not the same thing, and not personally directed at you. I've been on here a long time and I've never seen the phrase used. It's very loaded, and pretty offensive in my opinion.

I've seen it used several times. There are lots of very loaded and pretty offensive comments directed at op, nobody seems bothered about them.

I'm sorry if you found it offensive. I found a lot of things on this thread offensive also.