Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

[Britsmums11]

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

"Lol ok. Presumably you've only slept with your husband and haven't made any mistakes."

I have never had a one night stand and I certainly would never sleep with a stranger unprotected no.
You are constantly trying to vilify the woman giving this man a free pass it's actually disgusting in itself.

Perhaps OPs partner needs some info about how babies are made because if he goes around sleeping with women unprotected on one night stands and is shocked when they become pregnant it sounds like he doesn't understand the birds and the bees 😂

I have already said that they were both equally responsible. However the isn't responsible for not telling the other parent, as far as we know, is her. Why is that ok?

I think he was more shocked that he didn't find out for four years don't you?

Why do you think it's ok? Honestly? Please tell me why it's okay to keep your child away from their father for the first four years of their lives?

And from reading some posts , yeah I dam sure don't want my money going to the ex to be spent on gin , on a charity we detest or pissed up the wall ??? Thankyou for confirming my fears.

Well done.

If you took that from the posts (as opposed to seeing what was actually being being said about unreliable NRP payments when that was discussed) then you were even more deliberately determined to twist and misinterpret than Twist has been.

Good luck to your DSS 👍🏻 hopefully his mother has been as sensible as those of us who parked the maintenance payments separately so his fathers choices don’t negatively impact him.

I think he needs to learn responsibility unfortunately whoever you have sex with unprotected you can make a baby with, I have already stated upthread they are both equally responsible for that @TrustTheGeneGenie

I think as OP is really bitter on the ex and the information is third hand I won't bash the ex in regards to saying about the text message.
I did say a phone call could have been made, but if he ignored it that's totally on him.
I would definitely not blame the ex for that.

So to sum it up, the issue is simple. You don’t mind paying for your SS, you just don’t want to hand over any cash to the mum because you think she will spend it on herself rather than your SS, even though it is easy to work out that £250 is likely to be close to half his total costs.

You want to go 50/50 and it might not be impossible if your SS is indeed kin on this, which is yet to be determined and confirmed. Mum has refused the arrangement in the past, so you your OH would have to go to court, which you’ll have to pay since he won’t be earning and you’ll have to cope with the stress of it all whilst coping with going back to work and a baby.

You might not win and it will be a waste of time. If you win, you will still to fork out money, and cope with a child close to teenage hood with all that come with it.

All of this because you don’t want to hand over what you see as your cash rather than the family’s. But it’s not about bitterness at all!

golden uterus

Your contempt for Mums in single parent families is so obvious. I'm genuinely sorry for whatever happened in your life to make you so sad because no happy person would speak the way you do about other women.

@Iyland

golden uterus

Your contempt for Mums in single parent families is so obvious. I'm genuinely sorry for whatever happened in your life to make you so sad because no happy person would speak the way you do about other women.

My contempt for mums in single parent families? Wtaf?

You deduced that from the fact that I think keeping your child from the other parent for FOUR YEARS is wrong?

Do you think it's okay?

I am not "so sad" at all, thanks.

[quote twinkletoesfairynose]@TrustTheGeneGenie are you sure you're not the OP under a different name so you can say what you really want without fear this is coming back to harm you or your husband if it's ever found that you discussed it on mumsnet? You seem overly invested [/quote]
No, I'm not.

I'm not overly invested. I'm posting on a thread just like everyone else. Just seems I am the only one that doesn't think keeping a child from their other parent is completely okay.

"Ah right so it's okay she kept the child from him for four years then to teach him a lesson?

Of course you won't because the golden uterus can never be in the wrong."

Where have I said it's ok to keep a child from an ex for four years to 'teach them a lesson'?
Where is the evidence this has been done?
Why are you adding your own drama to this thread?
'Golden uterus' I can't take you seriously when you speak like that especially after I have already told you I am a step mum too so I can wear both my hats here in regards to how I feel on a situation.

My DHs ex hasn't been easy at all, far from it.
But no I wouldnt be ok with my DH not paying her maintenance.

Why do you think ignoring her once is ok for him?
Why do you think she should try harder as a female if he already has the knowledge he will be a Dad? Strange.

Also for the millionth time we don't know what happened 11 years ago between them both as we weren't there the information is third hand and OP is clearly very bitter.
She said she text, he said she didn't.

@AlexaRain

And from reading some posts , yeah I dam sure don't want my money going to the ex to be spent on gin , on a charity we detest or pissed up the wall ??? Thankyou for confirming my fears.

The self entitlement from some posters is astounding. Then they wonder why ex wives / partners have such a bad reputation.

As I said earlier, I'd take a lot of these posts with a pinch of salt - they're likely to be from bitter exes who are angry that they no longer have any control over their ex husband / partner and like to try and use their child / children as a bargaining chip for cash.

@AlexaRain @Britsmums11

I'm assuming you chose to read just the bits that back up your theory.

That poster, and many others (myself included) spend their OWN MONEY supporting the child fully, so Child maintenance is used on treats as there's nothing left out of their own pot.

Are you saying the RP isn't entitled to treat themselves?

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

"Ah right so it's okay she kept the child from him for four years then to teach him a lesson?

Of course you won't because the golden uterus can never be in the wrong."

Where have I said it's ok to keep a child from an ex for four years to 'teach them a lesson'?
Where is the evidence this has been done?
Why are you adding your own drama to this thread?
'Golden uterus' I can't take you seriously when you speak like that especially after I have already told you I am a step mum too so I can wear both my hats here in regards to how I feel on a situation.

My DHs ex hasn't been easy at all, far from it.
But no I wouldnt be ok with my DH not paying her maintenance.

Why do you think ignoring her once is ok for him?
Why do you think she should try harder as a female if he already has the knowledge he will be a Dad? Strange.

Also for the millionth time we don't know what happened 11 years ago between them both as we weren't there the information is third hand and OP is clearly very bitter.
She said she text, he said she didn't.

Do you not read properly on purpose? The evidence is she sent one text, or didn't.

Is that sufficient?

I also said I wouldn't be okay with not paying maintenance unless they had 50/50 and it was appropriate. Did you miss that?

I also said ignoring her (if he did that) is shitty. Again, did you miss that?

Well we don't know barely anything else and yet everyone is aok with vilifying op and her husband aren't they. But not the ex because oh we don't knooooooow. We don't know much else either but op has been called all the names under the sun and warned that her husband will leave her like he did before, except we had no idea if he did.

It's the double standards that get me. Its crazy.

It’s interesting that her not having the phone/text she sent is apparently “proof” she didn’t send it.

The DH’s phone must have some memory if he kept every single message he got for several years and could therefore clearly show he didn’t receive any messages.

No one thinks that @TrustTheGeneGenie but you've made a lot of assumptions based on the very scant information the op has given, which will undoubtedly carry her own bias.

We just don't know if that's the truth of the matter. We only know what the op has told us and she's made her perspective very clear. The ex may or may not be the she devil she is being portrayed as here, but I do think you have become so invested in this thread that you're determined to find the ex at fault no matter what.

We have one person's biased, second hand soundbytes to go on. I'd be reserving judgement on it.

Your posts heavily imply otherwise and no I don't think it's OK. I've said that previously. What I have said though is that it's not what the OP was about so it isn't really relevant to what was written about in the first instance.

It's a separate issue and if the thread were about that I may conclude an opinion but it wasn't so it's just background noise to the current issue and it's come 3rd hand in a she said he said way. Also the OP is OK with dripfeeding and twisting things so I'll reserve judgement.

I stand by my comment. Your contempt is clear, the "golden uterus" use confirmed what was already suspected and it's quite sad really.

@JustLyra

It’s interesting that her not having the phone/text she sent is apparently “proof” she didn’t send it.

The DH’s phone must have some memory if he kept every single message he got for several years and could therefore clearly show he didn’t receive any messages.

Either way, if she did send one text, and got no response, and left it at that...not good enough.

If he ignored it.. not good enough.

But I can't believe people think that in her shoes sending a single text is sufficient. I cannot imagine thinking oh well that's done, I can move on now.

@TrustTheGeneGenie you are not the only one who thinks mum is wrong for keeping the child away from dad.

As compensation for dad I think he should get 75% access, with mum covering all of DS cost plus £250 per month in compensation.

on a serious note, presumably mum covered all of DS costs for those 4 years? That doesn’t sound like a money hungry woman

No @ALevelhelp - we're to sit home, in our sackcloth and ashes, watching everyone else treat themselves, lest we be labelled as frivolous, money grabbing bitches! 😂

@Iyland

Your posts heavily imply otherwise and no I don't think it's OK. I've said that previously. What I have said though is that it's not what the OP was about so it isn't really relevant to what was written about in the first instance.

It's a separate issue and if the thread were about that I may conclude an opinion but it wasn't so it's just background noise to the current issue and it's come 3rd hand in a she said he said way. Also the OP is OK with dripfeeding and twisting things so I'll reserve judgement.

I stand by my comment. Your contempt is clear, the "golden uterus" use confirmed what was already suspected and it's quite sad really.

I've agreed it's not relevant. I'm just surprised so many posters are defending it and calling out op for "painting her in a bad light".

You can stand by your shitty comment, but that doesn't make it true. I don't agree with one woman's actions but that does not mean I have contempt for single mothers. It's bizarre and fucking offensive that you've even said that. Again jumping to conclusions when it suits you.

What's quite sad really is you trying to put me down and call me a woman hater for simply not believing that keeping a child from their dad is right.

I stand by that.

I think perhaps you're taking it all a bit personally as a reflection on single mums which you clearly have been. I have a lot of respect for single mums. What I don't have respect for is keeping children a secret. As most single mums don't do that, theres no correlation.

So well done for trying to spin that like, but frankly it's bollocks.

I’m not getting into another back and forth with you Trust. It’s pointless.

You’re twisting, again, what people are saying to fit with your stance that you’re the only poster able to look at it objectively and everyone else is bitter and wrong.

[quote PurpleBiro21]@TrustTheGeneGenie you are not the only one who thinks mum is wrong for keeping the child away from dad.

As compensation for dad I think he should get 75% access, with mum covering all of DS cost plus £250 per month in compensation.

on a serious note, presumably mum covered all of DS costs for those 4 years? That doesn’t sound like a money hungry woman[/quote]
I never once suggested she was money hungry. I never suggested contact should be altered because of it either. I simply stated that I didn't agree with it.

@JustLyra

I’m not getting into another back and forth with you Trust. It’s pointless.

You’re twisting, again, what people are saying to fit with your stance that you’re the only poster able to look at it objectively and everyone else is bitter and wrong.

Ah yes, and you're not.

I’m not the one taking a drip fed comment from the OP and twisting it desperately.

Nor am I the one repeatedly twisting other posters words.