Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

[Britsmums11]

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

'Even if she did send it one text is hardly good enough is it.'

And if he received it and ignored it is that her fault too?

Of course not but do you not think oh I might try and ring, let him know.

One text and giving up is shitty. I cannot believe you'd even try and defend it.

Oh it's only my child's actual parent, what does it matter.

I'd be reserving moral judgment. You're basing your reaction on 3rd hand info.

Why bother with the warrior routine, because it's very clear that we just don't know enough here to make an informed opinion.

@CandyLeBonBon

I'd be reserving moral judgment. You're basing your reaction on 3rd hand info.

Why bother with the warrior routine, because it's very clear that we just don't know enough here to make an informed opinion.

Er yeah, that's all we can base it on like every other thread on MN. Maybe the ex tried really really hard to find ops other half. Even if she did it took four bloody years. Either he or she or both is a bit shit, we know that for certain.

And I love that you can make an informed opinion about how shit one parent is but not the other.

One text and giving up is shitty. I cannot believe you'd even try and defend it.
Why are you defending getting that text and ignoring it?

'Of course not but do you not think oh I might try and ring, let him know.'

Well that's good to know. Let's say she didn't ring him, yes she could have, but as I say we don't really know what happened 11 years ago.
I also would be expecting many more phone calls if he thinks he can sleep with women unprotected on one night stands and some how his sperm won't get them pregnant.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

And I love that you can make an informed opinion about how shit one parent is but not the other.

I'm not defending anyone. Take a breather. This thread seems very triggering for you.

Trust why are you trying to make the mother the into the shitty person in this tale.
She sent the message. He ignored it. Why would she ring. He ignored her she got the message.
You dont at any point blame him for ignoring this. No you blame her for it trying har enough.
Honestly your ability to turn things back on the ex is astonishing.

You not involved in arrangements but you think it a private arrangement? Most odd

Mumsnet had campaign regarding child Maintenance maybe it can help children didn’t asked to get lumped with irresponsible shirker of a parent

I skipped rest of thread after reading this and really that all that needed to be said

*^MrsTerryPratchett

My vagina would heal up married to this wanker.^*

he feels guilty that he missed out with DSS and so definitely doesn't want to miss out with Dd is going to screw ds over completely to prioritise new baby. Fixed it for you. Cool bananas then.

What about you working 4 days a week and him working two days a week and having his kids 50/50

The ex didn't text, that's the point, claimed she did but no record, no proof so let's park that.

DSS has said very recently he'd like to come more often and we asked how often , he broke down the week for us to explain how he'd like it.

50:50 contact has been in conversation before and continues to be. It will not be a huge shock to the ex nor DSS. We live near by, schooling won't change.

And from reading some posts , yeah I dam sure don't want my money going to the ex to be spent on gin , on a charity we detest or pissed up the wall ??? Thankyou for confirming my fears.

And from reading some posts , yeah I dam sure don't want my money going to the ex to be spent on gin , on a charity we detest or pissed up the wall ??? Thankyou for confirming my fears.

The self entitlement from some posters is astounding. Then they wonder why ex wives / partners have such a bad reputation.

As I said earlier, I'd take a lot of these posts with a pinch of salt - they're likely to be from bitter exes who are angry that they no longer have any control over their ex husband / partner and like to try and use their child / children as a bargaining chip for cash.

Oh well, you might not have to pay cms but you'll still end up paying for your ss anyway since your DH will be incapable. You'll have to kit him out if he's going to be staying with you more. I have a son that age and he grows so quick he needs an entire new wardrobe every few months, not to mention sports kit etc. I can assure you I have spent way more than 250 this month on school uniforms and sports kit. Then there's money to go out with friends, school lunches, tech etc. I'm sure you're not expecting his mother to provide him with a wardrobe at your house too.

@Toty

Oh well, you might not have to pay cms but you'll still end up paying for your ss anyway since your DH will be incapable. You'll have to kit him out if he's going to be staying with you more. I have a son that age and he grows so quick he needs an entire new wardrobe every few months, not to mention sports kit etc. I can assure you I have spent way more than 250 this month on school uniforms and sports kit. Then there's money to go out with friends, school lunches, tech etc. I'm sure you're not expecting his mother to provide him with a wardrobe at your house too.

But at least the money is then being spent on DSS and not into the ex's pocket to spend on gin, weekends away, nights out (to quote some posters on this thread).

That's ok because if I was the Mum in this situation I wouldn't need your money because if you read my post I actually meet my child's costs myself and I wouldn't be being blackmailed into 50/50 contact with people like you

This is why I don't rely on money from anyone. Thanks for showing why

And for those still going on about the gin and night away. Read all my posts. It's very simple what I've said but don't let me get in the way of your pearl clutching.

Have to agree @lyland, it’s awful the way women who expect their ex partners to make even a minimal contribution to their children’s upbringing are vilified as bitter, money grabbing bitches on this forum.

If I ever get any money out of my ex (14 years and counting) p, it will most definitely be spent on gin. I absolutely deserve it!

"And from reading some posts , yeah I dam sure don't want my money going to the ex to be spent on gin , on a charity we detest or pissed up the wall ??? Thankyou for confirming my fears."

Confirming your fears it's not the ex saying that is it
You sound really immature and you obviously have it in for the ex, 50/50 will never work with the bitterness you hold.
Kids can sense that too.

Nevermind you will learn the hard way with your partner dodging maintenance, when it all starts unfolding in front of your eyes (it already is but unfortunately you have your blinkers on.)
Good luck you are going to need it OP.

@Oswin

Trust why are you trying to make the mother the into the shitty person in this tale. She sent the message. He ignored it. Why would she ring. He ignored her she got the message. You dont at any point blame him for ignoring this. No you blame her for it trying har enough. Honestly your ability to turn things back on the ex is astonishing.

I'm sorry but why wouldn't you ring?

She is a shitty person if she thinks one text to inform someone they are a dad would suffice.
Thst is shitty however you try to dress it up.

Even if he ignored the single message (also shitty as I have already said)) she should have tried harder. If someone doesn't reply to your text re normal things do you give up or do you call?

Your ability to pretend hiding a kid from their dad for four years is astonishing and vile, tbh.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

'Of course not but do you not think oh I might try and ring, let him know.'

Well that's good to know. Let's say she didn't ring him, yes she could have, but as I say we don't really know what happened 11 years ago.
I also would be expecting many more phone calls if he thinks he can sleep with women unprotected on one night stands and some how his sperm won't get them pregnant.

Lol ok. Presumably you've only slept with your husband and haven't made any mistakes.

Haiyaa

Just for clarification I said I've spent my maintenance on days out, trips out, meals out, gin and even a night away with my husband. I also said a small donation goes out monthly to a charity he wouldn't like (because I'm petty AF)

I have also explain numerous times though that my husband and I pay for everything for DD. We buy everything she needs plus the extras ourself. We save from our own salaries (more than the maintenance payment itself actually) every month.

The maintenance money goes into a separate bank account and I use this account as a rainy day fund. I also do top up the account because I have 2 regular payments that come out that account also.

I've been told I'm "gross" like I'm some American teen but her is the thing. The month I bought a £30 bottle of gin from that account was the same month I bought £40 shoes from my own account. The night away which costs £150 from that account came around the time I paid the same if not more on new trainers, school shoes, coat and replaced almost all school uniform because she'd taken a growth spurt. These things are on top of normal day to day expenses.

So just because I use that account as rainy day fund I'm disgusting and appalling despite the fact what I actually pay far surpasses any token payment he is forced to pay me.

The ladies with the issue are deliberately ignoring the full picture and just think of me and some gin buying, night away having floozy who's living it up on my ex which is actually hilarious. He's paying 5 years arrears right now on top of normal payments so obv I'm the one fleecing him

EnoughnowIthink

Go for it, and get a good one

"Lol ok. Presumably you've only slept with your husband and haven't made any mistakes."

I have never had a one night stand and I certainly would never sleep with a stranger unprotected no.
You are constantly trying to vilify the woman giving this man a free pass it's actually disgusting in itself.

Perhaps OPs partner needs some info about how babies are made because if he goes around sleeping with women unprotected on one night stands and is shocked when they become pregnant it sounds like he doesn't understand the birds and the bees 😂