Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

[Britsmums11]

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

[quote Tiredoftattler]@kandikandi

Effective parents teach their children how to effectively handle conflict; that does always entail protecting them from conflict.

What children need or should know should be determined by the situation and the facts and circumstances surrounding that situation. Children are not always best served by trying to shield them from reality.

Sometimes, they are best served by being taught to face and effectively navigate the situations that are a part of their reality.

In these situations , there is no one size fits all solutions. Decent parents are those who best equip their children with the skills that permit them to be successfully functioning adults.[/quote]
Absolutely not. There's extensive evidence that actually being open about the other parent being anything other than neutral damages children. It's not a moral point. It's what anyone with knowledge on the subject will tell you.

It's very hard but absolutely the right thing to do never to say anything negative about the other parent to your child.

That being said though children grow up to become teens/adults who want and need more answers. This child will not be shielded their entire life. Also at 11 I don't think it would be too much of a leap for him to draw his own conclusions re a new baby sibling, his Dad leaving his job and things possibly becoming more tight in his own household. 11 year olds aren't oblivious to the world around them and they aren't stupid.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

And he didn't respond or at least SAID he didn't get the message. Let's not put all the blame on the mum here having unprotected sex on a one night stand was a stupid idea for the BOTH of them.

Bares no relevance anyway to what is currently happening now...

Of course the pregnancy was both of their "fault" but her not getting in touch is all her fault. And even if she did send a single text that isn't good enough.

[quote Haiyaa]@Britsmums11 both you and your husband are deplorable. No matter the circumstances of his birth “D”SS does not deserve to be caught in the middle because let’s face it, he is the one who will really suffer the consequences. Let’s hope it’s not a foreshadowing of your own future eh?[/quote]
👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

@FrankieFox I have never suggested the child did anything wrong

Because it was many years ago let's forget it and just judge dad instead. Wow.

'Of course the pregnancy was both of their "fault" but her not getting in touch is all her fault. And even if she did send a single text that isn't good enough.'

If that's what really happened, perhaps she sent it, perhaps he didn't reply, we don't know do we..

Regardless bares nothing on what is going on now. Nothing at all.

'Because it was many years ago let's forget it and just judge dad instead. Wow.'

Yes because what he is doing now is nothing to do with what happened years ago.
What part of that don't you understand?

Genie I think the reason people aren't harking back to that is because it isn't really relevant to the current situation.

It's two separate matters. She will have to explain that to her son and her reasoning or lack thereof to him if she hasn't already.

I really don't understand what ir has any relevance to the OPs reason for starting this thread though. I dont see people defending the mum other than maybe one post but we don't know the reasons why or what happened. We're literally just going off what the OPs post was originally about...

@TrustTheGeneGenie I am not a massive fan of my DHs ex she's done some really shitty things.
BUT I would never be Ok with my husband trying to evade paying child maintenance because it's morally wrong.

[quote Thisnamewasnttaken123]@TrustTheGeneGenie I am not a massive fan of my DHs ex she's done some really shitty things.
BUT I would never be Ok with my husband trying to evade paying child maintenance because it's morally wrong.[/quote]
I've quite clearly said the same.

@Iyland

Genie I think the reason people aren't harking back to that is because it isn't really relevant to the current situation.

It's two separate matters. She will have to explain that to her son and her reasoning or lack thereof to him if she hasn't already.

I really don't understand what ir has any relevance to the OPs reason for starting this thread though. I dont see people defending the mum other than maybe one post but we don't know the reasons why or what happened. We're literally just going off what the OPs post was originally about...

People asked for background and she gave it.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

'Of course the pregnancy was both of their "fault" but her not getting in touch is all her fault. And even if she did send a single text that isn't good enough.'

If that's what really happened, perhaps she sent it, perhaps he didn't reply, we don't know do we..

Regardless bares nothing on what is going on now. Nothing at all.

Even if she did send it one text is hardly good enough is it.

I've never said it changes anything now.

'Even if she did send it one text is hardly good enough is it.'

And if he received it and ignored it is that her fault too?

'I've never said it changes anything now.'

Well you keep going on about it so that makes me think you believe it's relevant (it's not, but nevermind.)

You're not the arbiter of what's relevant on a discussion thread, Thisnamewasnttaken123
You denied shouting other people down upthread, yet here you are again insisting your opinion overrides someone else's.

"You're not the arbiter of what's relevant on a discussion thread, Thisnamewasnttaken123
You denied shouting other people down upthread, yet here you are again insisting your opinion overrides someone else's."

I think you have got my name confused with someone else I haven't had any conversations denying shouting people down @GreyhoundG1rl

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

"You're not the arbiter of what's relevant on a discussion thread, Thisnamewasnttaken123 You denied shouting other people down upthread, yet here you are again insisting your opinion overrides someone else's."

I think you have got my name confused with someone else I haven't had any conversations denying shouting people down @GreyhoundG1rl

If I have confused you with someone else I apologise unreservedly. I need to scroll back to see who I actually meant to talk to 😬 Bbl

"If I have confused you with someone else I apologise unreservedly.
I need to scroll back to see who I actually meant to talk to 😬
Bbl"

Haha don't worry

@kandikandi
There is a vast difference between making a negative or even judgmental statement about a parent and making a factual statement.

If I say to my child " your father is a dirty thief," I am making a negative judgement call. If I say on" October 12, your dad robbed First National Bank," I am stating a fact. My child may then make his own personal analysis of his father's actions and he is not left to learn of these actions under circumstances that may be more embarrassing or even traumatic.

Not every statement of fact requires a judgemental connotation or assessment on the part of the stating parent.

If a child asks why mom and dad divorced, they are entitled to an age appropriate answer that is in fact essentially truthful.

Mom need not say that dad was an adulterer, but mom can say that we did not share the same views about marriage. Mom can say that we were unhappy together.

I do not know or except that we create better or more well adjusted children by teaching them to camouflage or shade truth and reality. I think that they are better served by being given age and stage appropriate truths.

Good evening, all.
We've had quite a few reports about this thread and have already made several deletions. Please do try to keep things civil here - the aim of Mumsnet is to support people.
Thanks.

Seeing as my previous message got deleted...
You're husband wants to not pay for his first child anymore so he can be a stay at home dad for his second because he didn't get to experience that with his first?

And the op STILL hadn't said whether dss actually WANTS ANY OF THIS?

Because, as previously stated, the adults involved seem to be forgetting about what HE might actually want.

Ffs 🙄

Do you have the room to keep him 50:50? Will he have his own room?
Are you close enough that school runs with two children are possible? - or once your child is at school will DSS be expected to go back to Eow? Because child support payments will be due till he is 18+ depending on education.
Are you happy to outlay all of the costs so DsS has everything he needs at your house? Or do you expect him to come with a suitcase?
Have you thought about what 50:50 will look like? Do you imagine having him for a week block and alternate with him mum? Or 2 week blocks?

If you are happy to cover all the costs of 50:50 - paying for everything DSS needs while in your care gave you considered how these costs will be spilt? School trips? Will you each pay for the trips that land on your week? Or will you both contribute 50:50?

Lots of other factors to think about that could amount to more than £250.

Make sure you look into it properly and discuss this with your DH. It may work out better to just pay the £250 and trust me that will be spent on the child a month for sure