Page 26 | Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

Britsmums11 · 2021-04-30T19:04:51+00:00

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

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Iyland · 02/05/2021 09:21

ThatIsMyPotato

Only the good stuff. And yes, I've used that money to pay for shopping on a week that we fell short due to unexpected car issues and yes there was a lovely bottle of gin in there.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 02/05/2021 09:22

For all we know the £250 we're getting worked up may be what she spends on flowers for the house at the weekend or tips in the restaurant

. Not that old chestnut again.

Honestly, can these people hear themselves?

"It's fine not to pay for my child since my awful ex makes our DS sleep in a shed in the garden and spends any money I give her on handbags and having her nails done. So actually I'm being a good responsible dad by not giving her a penny and just taking my kid to McD's when he visits. That's right, a £5 meal out once a fortnight is all my kid needs."

Pull the other one.

Iyland · 02/05/2021 09:25

It's to aid me to support his child. I don't need it to aid anything so no it doesn't belong to her. It comes to me to use however I want. You don't have to like it its fact.

I also use some of it to make a regular monthly donation to a charity he would have despised. Everytime I see it on the statement it makes me smile. Petty - possibly, ever so sayisfying - absolutely.

ThatIsMyPotato · 02/05/2021 09:28

Sorry reread it Iyland you pay for everything so that's less of your spare money for gin etc. So then the maintenance gets saved for fun things. It makes sense, money is a bit like water and it just depends where you allocate it.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 09:29

@Iyland

It's to aid me to support his child. I don't need it to aid anything so no it doesn't belong to her. It comes to me to use however I want. You don't have to like it its fact.

I also use some of it to make a regular monthly donation to a charity he would have despised. Everytime I see it on the statement it makes me smile. Petty - possibly, ever so sayisfying - absolutely.

Wow. Just wow.

Maybe you don't need it but it would be nice for your child to have in the future wouldn't it.

I couldn't sleep at night knowing I was pissing money up the wall that would buy my child a car, house deposit, help out at uni or just be a really nice thing to give them.

I'm glad you can. Your hatred for your ex is clearly more important. It's actually quite sad.

ThatIsMyPotato · 02/05/2021 09:29

In fact I might use the idea with my child benefit if I get to the stage where I'm earning enough

Iyland · 02/05/2021 09:34

We do the same with child benefit. It's also come in handy for things like when DD asked to start playing an instrument which was an unexpected cost but I was able to just say yes sure go for it and not have to think about how it would be paid for.

It's all one pot, I've just always kept it separate so I never got used to it being available and inevitably becoming daily money as it will never be guaranteed. 5 years he paid nothing so I half expect it go full circle and it to stop at some stage.

JustLyra · 02/05/2021 09:39

It's all one pot, I've just always kept it separate so I never got used to it being available and inevitably becoming daily money as it will never be guaranteed. 5 years he paid nothing so I half expect it go full circle and it to stop at some stage.

That’s what I did as well.

I couldn’t rely on the maintenance for essentials because I never knew if it was going to come or not.

If I could have relied on it then I would have used the maintenance for essentials and saved for the nice-to-haves, but instead stuck the maintenance in an account and when it appeared used that for nice-to-haves.

Is simply using the pots in a more sensible way when you’re dealing with someone as prone to not bothering to pay as he was.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 09:42

I've agreed it's sensible not to rely on it, and I've agreed it's nice to be able to spend it on the children for nice things, what I don't agree with it spending it on yourself, your husband or pissing it up the wall. Personally I just don't agree that it's a good way to use something intended for your kids.

I wouldn't rely on it either, but I would ensure it went to my children as it was intended.

Iyland · 02/05/2021 09:43

Any of my friends who have seperated I've suggested they do it this way.

It's easier to rely on yourself because if you rely on someone else and they don't step up it can leave you and your kids in a really ropey situation. We can go without what it's used for but can't go without the essentials. As long as they are covered, like you say, the rest can go on the nice things.

I actually do now use that money to pay for my car and my funeral plan but they are costs I can cover with the other savings that go into that account if ever needed.

JustLyra · 02/05/2021 09:46

I wouldn't rely on it either, but I would ensure it went to my children as it was intended.

I already did that by paying for everything.

It was my money because it was simply him paying back his share that I’d already spent on the kids.

So absolutely irrelevant what it got spent on as his contribution had already been used on the kids.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 09:46

Yes I wholeheartedly agree with not relying on it as a child who's mother was rarely ever paid it.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 09:49

@JustLyra

I wouldn't rely on it either, but I would ensure it went to my children as it was intended.

I already did that by paying for everything.

It was my money because it was simply him paying back his share that I’d already spent on the kids.

So absolutely irrelevant what it got spent on as his contribution had already been used on the kids.

Look it's obviously up to you, and I'm sure you're providing for them and whatever else, personally id want to save it for them so they had something to show for it. You were seemingly trying to prove a point saying you spend it on gin, and whilst I understand you do that because you've covered everything, I still think its a bit wrong in all honesty.

You might have covered everything but you don't need the money, you could save it for the kids, but you choose not to as you feel you've done enough. I somewhat get it, but it doesn't sit comfortably with me at all.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 09:50

Sorry I'm lost with Lyra nicknames I don't even know if it was you who bought gin or not now!

JustLyra · 02/05/2021 09:51

I never mentioned gin whatsoever...

You can think whatever you like. If I wanted to spend it on nice things then there’s fuck all wrong with that. If he’d bothered his arse to pay reliably then they could have had nice things regularly rather than as and when it was possible.

Original poster

Britsmums11 · 02/05/2021 09:51

Okay I will give some back story to this as I'm being completely slated here by some.
My husband and the ex were a fling so to speak or a one night stand when he was much younger , before he me me. Fast forward 5 years and we have just started living together and he gets a long Facebook message from the ex saying he's a dad to her 4 year old son. There were never friends on Facebook so took a few months for him to pick up the message. At first he thought it was a joke. But I had a feeling there was some truth to it. Anyway he did the DNA ( any responsible person would ) and he was the dad. He had no idea, the ex said she didn't tell him as lost contact blah blah and she said she sent him a text , but my husband stares that text never existed, as you can imaginehe was angry and upset. He immediately started to build a relationship with DSS and pay ( ex wanted that set up right away). DSD is now 11 and they have built a great bond over the years. But he missed out on alot of years. He is now experiencing having a baby and yes ,he feels guilty that he missed out with DSS and so definitely doesn't want to miss out with DD. Hence why when we did the sums he wanted to be a SAHD and suggested 50:50 for DSS and look after DD full time. I hope that explains it, that is his perspective and I get it. We have gone through alot but it has made us stronger we are a team and I was especially focused on DD having more time at home.

OP posts:

Iyland · 02/05/2021 09:52

It was me that bought gin

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 09:53

@JustLyra

I never mentioned gin whatsoever...

You can think whatever you like. If I wanted to spend it on nice things then there’s fuck all wrong with that. If he’d bothered his arse to pay reliably then they could have had nice things regularly rather than as and when it was possible.

Read my prev post.

Well I will think whatever I like, similarly you judge this poster and she probably doesn't give a fuck either.

Of course he should have paid I've never disputed that. But In my head that's not a reason to spend it on things for yourself.

I mean I don't even receive maintenance so it's irrelevant.

Original poster

Britsmums11 · 02/05/2021 09:53

The only thing I was concerned about was whether CMS would calculate payments from my wage. And if I was legally required to pay the ex.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 02/05/2021 09:56

Read my prev post.

Which if you check the timings was posted a few seconds before mine...

Whilst your posts are very predictable I’m not actually a mindreader so can see what’s being posted while I’m typing

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 09:57

@JustLyra

Read my prev post.

Which if you check the timings was posted a few seconds before mine...

Whilst your posts are very predictable I’m not actually a mindreader so can see what’s being posted while I’m typing

Alright sorry, no need to be so shitty.

JustLyra · 02/05/2021 09:58

@Britsmums11

The only thing I was concerned about was whether CMS would calculate payments from my wage. And if I was legally required to pay the ex.

Simply put, you’re not.

It’s up to your husband to decide morally what he wants to do.

His child is old enough to be aware of the connection of the timing so he should be very wary of that if he does go down any road that’s going to be bumpy.

Good luck

Iyland · 02/05/2021 10:00

Would it sit better with you if I said the shoes I bought for her that month cost £40 and I used his money for them and then used £30 of my money for a bottle of gin?

It just doesn't matter what's spent from where, that is my point, costs are met, savings are saved, my children are fed, clothed, have appropriate shoes and outerwear etc etc etc. My outgoings far surpass his contribution so how I choose to spend from that specific bank account is neither here nor there.

JustLyra · 02/05/2021 10:00

@TrustTheGeneGenie
You were the shitty one with your snarky “read my post” comment

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 10:00

@Iyland

Would it sit better with you if I said the shoes I bought for her that month cost £40 and I used his money for them and then used £30 of my money for a bottle of gin?

It just doesn't matter what's spent from where, that is my point, costs are met, savings are saved, my children are fed, clothed, have appropriate shoes and outerwear etc etc etc. My outgoings far surpass his contribution so how I choose to spend from that specific bank account is neither here nor there.

No. I still don't agree with it so let's leave it there.