Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

[Britsmums11]

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

SAHP contribute financially to their households. You don’t have to earn money in a capitalist economy to contribute financially. The work done by a SAHP has real economic value for the family unit. That is why the sahp shares the earnings of the working parent.

The problem here is that the sahp has financial responsibilities outside the family unit, but has decided that family finances should not be used to meet those responsibilities.

@Britsmums11

For some context my husband asked for 50:50 three years ago and was refused by the ex. So this suggestion isn't just to stop CMS payments. But seems the best option. I don't feel comfortable working and supporting the family and handing over £250 to a woman who I barely see or know. If DSS is with us I'm more than happy to pay and contribute as I know the money is going on him and for his benefit.

Ugh. So you can afford it but don’t want to. Just ugh. He should get a job that works around your hours and earn 250 a month to pay for his child. If I were his ex I wouldn’t want my dh old 50/50 with influences like that. If the child is there 50/50 how will you manage all the usual conflicts between activities and plans for children of different ages? You’ve said you’ll just think about what’s best for your baby, so it sounds pretty shit for the stepchild. Let them live some where they will be loved and prioritised. Sleep at night knowing your dp values and contributes to both his children.

I have no doubt the OP will be left in the same situation as her partners ex . A man who can so easily withdraw a relatively small payment of £250 a month for his child will have no problem leaving both the mother and his second child . I can never understand how a woman can share her life with such a man . The OP thinks this won’t happen because at the moment they have such a solid relationship, especially as they sit together planning how he can get away with his financial responsibilities to his first born , but remember his first partner probably thought that too . You are both morally reprehensible.

How do we know he even left his ex? Oh that's right, we don't. More nasty assumptions.

If I was the mum I definitely wouldn’t agree to 50/50 in this context. OP has made it clear her child comes first no matter what. Finances are tight. So when it becomes a choice between buying the eldest a new pair of school shoes, or taking her baby to a baby swim class, we can quite easily guess which one it will be and as her OH appears quite spineless, he’ll likely go ahead with it.

That child will always come second and as OP holds the financial strings, it’s easy to see how a 50/50 is highly unlikely to benefit him.

Her child will come first, to her, it's bizarre you think they shouldn't. That example is ridiculous though, you have absolutely no idea what she'd do in that situation, and tbh it sounds like she earns enough that she would not have to choose

All she said Is that she couldn't pay maintenance based on her wage.

Based on what the op said, it's not even about saving money. She's acknowledged that she'll have to fork out for dss if he's there 50% of the time. She just doesn't want to give the money to his mum.

So it's not even about the money is it? Because dss living there is going to increase her costs, so why is she so insistent that the ex doesn't get maintenance? What's the story there?

Maybe she's been a massive knob to her. Maybe she'd rather directly care for dss, maybe there's a massive backstory we don't know. there could literally be a million reasons why. As long as they as a couple support the child why does it matter?

@GreyhoundG1rl

The op's dh has chosen to split his two children across two families, of course the dynamic is different.

@GreyhoundG1rl Do you know these people? Nowhere have I seen anything that says he chose to leave his first partner. I take it you know different and that his ex didn't decide to end it because she was bored with him or had a new 'friend'. For all we know he may well be the victim in the past relationship. For all we know the £250 we're getting worked up may be what she spends on flowers for the house at the weekend or tips in the restaurant.

OP said if calculations are done based on her wage, they'd live hand to mouth? Is that because there would be an expectation that it'll be more than £250? But surely CMS won't take calculations based on her wage, as it's only the fathers they take? So they continue paying what he's expected to pay?

Maintenance payment is £250 per month meaning your DH needs to earn £58 per week to cover this.

Even at minimum wage he'd only need to work 6.5 hours a week to cover this.

Could he not consider a part time job?

@thenewduchessofhastings

Maintenance payment is £250 per month meaning your DH needs to earn £58 per week to cover this.

Even at minimum wage he'd only need to work 6.5 hours a week to cover this.

Could he not consider a part time job?

I'll ask this again since nobody else answered me. If he works evenings/weekends when does he see dss?

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Maybe she's been a massive knob to her. Maybe she'd rather directly care for dss, maybe there's a massive backstory we don't know. there could literally be a million reasons why. As long as they as a couple support the child why does it matter?

I wasn't asking you. It's not your thread. I was asking the OP.

She's the only one who knows. I'd be more interested to hear from @Britsmums11 than your speculation tbh.

For all we know he may well be the victim in the past relationship. For all we know the £250 we're getting worked up may be what she spends on flowers for the house at the weekend or tips in the restaurant

You think if the ex is somehow.in the wrong as regards the end of the relationship or if she is well-off in her own right, it’s Ok not to support children?

Alright, Christ. Op probably isn't going to answer and neither would I in her shoes.

And if it is bigfatliar? as I said I spend the maintenance money I receive on holidays, trips out, dinner out, a nice new bottle of gin and have even used it for a night away with my husband.

It really does not matter what that money gets spent on. Morally I would never want to touch a man let alone procreate with a man who was that quick to want to quit work cutting of maintenance to his first child.

If 50/50 works for OP's step son and his Mum that's great, solution for everyone. If it is not practical then OPs husband with OP's blessing will stop financial contributions to benefit only their own household and tough shit to the RP and first born.

If it was temporary whilst he looked for better paid work or unplanned then I get it. But to plan to cut it off and to not have figured out what repercussions it will cause to the child's main household and mitigate this is pretty low. The OP said herself that the ExW needs to like it or lump it. To have not actually taken all this into account before extending their family was either naive or very selfish.

Way to live up to the stereotype.

In all seriousness I don't know how you can sit there and say you spend your maintenance for your children on yourself and your new husband and then call someone else selfish and wouldn't touch someone who didn't pay it.

If you don't need it, why would you not save it for your children?

I don't think anyone should be "accountable" for what they spend it on necessarily but what you've just said is frankly gross.

Myself and my husband meet all our children's needs. We save for them equally off our own salaries and pay for everything they need off our salaries.

My ExH never paid a penny for 5 years so no, I will never rely on that money for anything. It goes into a separate bank account and is for however I deem it fit to be spent. It sometimes benefits our kids, sometimes it goes on the family as a whole and sometimes I'll piss some of it up against the wall because why shouldn't I? That money is to support his child and I've done that fine by myself and then alongside my husband so it could be said that he contributes and the equivalent is spent from our money so I'm balancing the scales by taking our money back to do with as we please.

I could save it yes, but I save from our own joint finances for our children equally. My exH has actively chosen to have nothing to do with his child so I would save the pearl clutching about me being gross. I along with my husband care for our children emotionally and financially thank you. That said, I don't spend it all because I don't have to which is a fortunate position to be in and have a nice tidy wee sum building up but that money is and will remain mine because as I said, we meet the needs of the kids ourselves.

*My husband and I.

It is never myself, unless you're saying something like, I did it myself or I bought it myself etc. It is me or I.

You spend your children's money on gin?

Why shouldn't you? Because it's for your kids.

I'm not saying rely on it, not relying on it of course is very sensible, that I agree with.

I'm not saying you don't meet your children's needs, I'm sure you do, but ime I don't think that makes it acceptable to piss it up the wall or drink it or spend it on your new fella.

It doesn't sit right with me at all, and it's laughable that you feel you can judge others when you're acting in a morally reprehensible way yourself.

@Iyland

I didn't really want to engage with you because you're extremely aggressive and like to steam roll the conversation and will shout down anyone with a different opinion to yourself but quite honestly won't take being told your wrong yourself. That aside it was a reply to someone else so take a deep breath because your opinion really doesn't matter.

I also use that money for Birthdays and Christmas gifts for the whole family so not just my husband

I'm really not agressive, nor am I steam rolling anything. You don't have to read my posts or engage with me. I'm sure my opinion doesn't matter, neither does yours to me, or op, I'm sure.

You can't tell me I'm "wrong" because none of us know the full situation, you can disagree, and that's fine.

Wow OP, I’m shocked that you’d be OK with your husband deliberately quitting his job and stopping paying maintenance for his child. After years of seeing their dad so little, 50-50 contact would be a major lifestyle shift, especially with a new baby in the mix. How unfair on the child. It really doesn’t say anything good about him as a dad that he’s so willing to put aside stability for his child in favour of quitting his job and saving a bit of money. You don’t sound like you care about that other child at all either... horrible to read.