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Original poster

Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

999 replies

Britsmums11 · 30/04/2021 20:04

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

OP posts:
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Wishitsnows · 02/05/2021 10:04

I can't believe some women are happy to be with a man and have additional kids with him when they try and avoid contributing to their previous kids. I would be embarrassed to be in that situation. I don't understand anyone that is so tight that they wouldn't want to fund the best for their kids.

Iyland · 02/05/2021 10:08

No please clarify. So every penny my husband and I earn should go on the kids and every penny that comes in from her biological Dad should be saved because I can meet her daily costs?

Go figure, I never realised I stopped being a person and was never again allowed to buy gin the minute I became a parent.

Your posts are actually beyond bizarre in how you seem to think I should live and structure my finances.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 10:08

@Iyland

No please clarify. So every penny my husband and I earn should go on the kids and every penny that comes in from her biological Dad should be saved because I can meet her daily costs?

Go figure, I never realised I stopped being a person and was never again allowed to buy gin the minute I became a parent.

Your posts are actually beyond bizarre in how you seem to think I should live and structure my finances.

That is not what I am saying at all.
dattenboroughiskingoftheworld · 02/05/2021 10:10

@Britsmums11 your update (painting childs mother in a bad light conveniently) doesn't change my view that dad should get a job part time to fit round your job and continue to pay the £250 maintenance a month. His other child shouldn't be deprived of that income going in the pot to suit dads choices. Dad is equally irresponsible for not ensuring reliable contraception during this fling and the fact the boy came into his life when he did is certainly not the child's fault. Even more reason to continue to support the child as he's 4 years behind as it is!
You did come asking one thing, you've got your answer plus a bit more for good measure too. Hopefully morally correct decisions are made to benefit both of his children.

midnightstar66 · 02/05/2021 10:10

I not legally but it would be a pretty shorty thing to do morally to make the dc go without and his mum struggle due to is dc choosing to start a new family he can't really afford to support

LaceyBetty · 02/05/2021 10:11

@TrustTheGeneGenie yes, what are you saying? I agree with lyland - bizarre.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 10:12

[quote LaceyBetty]@TrustTheGeneGenie yes, what are you saying? I agree with lyland - bizarre. [/quote]
Of course you do lol.

I'm saying child maintenance should be spent on your child. If you don't need it, save it for your child.

I'm not saying every single penny of your own earnings needs to be spent on your child, but I find it weird to spend the other parents contribution on gin or your new husband.

I'm sure you think it's fine.

LaceyBetty · 02/05/2021 10:13

Money just goes into the bank account and is spent as needed in most families. No need to ring fence from different sources. Who does that?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 10:14

@LaceyBetty

Money just goes into the bank account and is spent as needed in most families. No need to ring fence from different sources. Who does that?
Many people.

Again, there's no point going over it. You're okay with it, I'm not. There's really no more to be said.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/05/2021 10:16

How far away do you live from the mum? I would have thought an 11yo would want to spend more time hanging out with their friends than their baby sibling

LaceyBetty · 02/05/2021 10:16

That's fine. But you're also ok with the father being a SAHD and not paying anything. Or trying to get 50/50 custody of an 11 year old when that's not been the arrangement ever.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 10:17

@LaceyBetty

That's fine. But you're also ok with the father being a SAHD and not paying anything. Or trying to get 50/50 custody of an 11 year old when that's not been the arrangement ever.
No, I'm not okay with him paying nothing, I haven't said that.

I said I'm ok with 50/50 if it's appropriate.

Maybe it's not, in which case I suggested op pay the 250 if they can afford that.

Please don't tell me what I think when you've not bothered to read my posts properly.

midnightstar66 · 02/05/2021 10:20

Imagine wanting 50/50 after all these years just to suit financial circumstances. This mum and son have been together for 11 years. Do either of them even want this?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 10:23

Imagine keeping a child a secret from his dad for four years. I suppose that's okay.

AlexaRain · 02/05/2021 10:24

[quote dattenboroughiskingoftheworld]@Britsmums11 your update (painting childs mother in a bad light conveniently) doesn't change my view that dad should get a job part time to fit round your job and continue to pay the £250 maintenance a month. His other child shouldn't be deprived of that income going in the pot to suit dads choices. Dad is equally irresponsible for not ensuring reliable contraception during this fling and the fact the boy came into his life when he did is certainly not the child's fault. Even more reason to continue to support the child as he's 4 years behind as it is!
You did come asking one thing, you've got your answer plus a bit more for good measure too. Hopefully morally correct decisions are made to benefit both of his children.[/quote]
This is only your opinion though. Not everyone agrees with you.

OP, I hope you take a lot of these posts with a pinch of salt and do what's best for you and your family. There are a lot of bitter ex wives / partners who post on these threads.

JustLyra · 02/05/2021 10:25

I'm not saying every single penny of your own earnings needs to be spent on your child

You basically are.

I couldn’t afford a night out when paying 100% of everything for my girls, yet I could if he paid his share.

Yet according to you when I finally got his share using that for a night out is wrong. Even though I’d already covered his part for him with my money, that I should have been able to spend on myself.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 10:27

@JustLyra

I'm not saying every single penny of your own earnings needs to be spent on your child

You basically are.

I couldn’t afford a night out when paying 100% of everything for my girls, yet I could if he paid his share.

Yet according to you when I finally got his share using that for a night out is wrong. Even though I’d already covered his part for him with my money, that I should have been able to spend on myself.

No, I'm not. If you want to interpret it like that, fine, I can't stop you. I've been incredibly clear in what I have said. Again, we don't agree so let's leave it there.
AlexaRain · 02/05/2021 10:27

@Britsmums11

The only thing I was concerned about was whether CMS would calculate payments from my wage. And if I was legally required to pay the ex.
Thank fully you are not legally required to pay directly for someone else's child.

Those of us who are higher earners pay indirectly for other people's children via the taxation system, of course.

vivainsomnia · 02/05/2021 10:29

I'll ask this again since nobody else answered me. If he works evenings/weekends when does he see dss
I’m confused, why wouldn’t he able to work 1 or 2 evenings and eow when his eldest is with his mum?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/05/2021 10:31

@vivainsomnia

I'll ask this again since nobody else answered me. If he works evenings/weekends when does he see dss I’m confused, why wouldn’t he able to work 1 or 2 evenings and eow when his eldest is with his mum?
Well he could but people were saying evenings and weekends. I mean he'd be lucky to find a job where he only needed to work eow. Of course that would mean he got no quality time with his wife.
BluebellsGreenbells · 02/05/2021 10:33

My DD earns £250 a month working Saturday’s - maybe your DH should take responsibility and work part time to pay his share?

Teens are expensive. Shoes no longer £30 more £90, they want days out, parties, XBox games (£50) Mobil phone contracts, holidays, etc

He should work to pay towards the child.

If he does go 50:50 that will increase your contribution for food, but no much else.

ThatIsMyPotato · 02/05/2021 10:35

@Britsmums11

The only thing I was concerned about was whether CMS would calculate payments from my wage. And if I was legally required to pay the ex.
No and No. I hope your partner gets more time with his child Flowers
ThatIsMyPotato · 02/05/2021 10:38

@Iyland

Would it sit better with you if I said the shoes I bought for her that month cost £40 and I used his money for them and then used £30 of my money for a bottle of gin? Confused

It just doesn't matter what's spent from where, that is my point, costs are met, savings are saved, my children are fed, clothed, have appropriate shoes and outerwear etc etc etc. My outgoings far surpass his contribution so how I choose to spend from that specific bank account is neither here nor there.

To be honest this is the bit I didn't understand originally but then I re read it and it made sense. You spend more than he pays you so it's like he is paying you back for his maintenance in gin etc which you could have bought with your own money.
JustLyra · 02/05/2021 10:40

No, I'm not. If you want to interpret it like that, fine, I can't stop you. I've been incredibly clear in what I have said. Again, we don't agree so let's leave it there.

Yes let’s. Because it’s very clear what you’ve said. Loudly and repeatedly.

vivainsomnia · 02/05/2021 10:41

He’s built a good relationship with his son, that’s great. Does he really believes this will continue when he stops paying, his mum potentially has to say he can have this or that, or go on holiday or do the activity he used to because his dad has stopped playing to be a ft dad to his sister and that his SM who could afford to pay it on behalf of his dad won’t because she believes that his mum spends it on herself instead...but if he comes to live with them, travel for one hour each day to go to school half of the time, or change school where he knows no one, they’ll pay for him.

Most 11 years old are intelligent enough to understand the emotional implication of this decision, to feel hurt, rejected, low in their priority and upset for the stress it’s I’ll put his mum under. He can expect to his son wanting nothing to do with you all of not right away, soon enough. He would have only himself to blame for it.