Page 24 | Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

Britsmums11 · 2021-04-30T19:04:51+00:00

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

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GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 22:44

No. As that poster also pointed out, it will have been a joint decision made between two members of the same household.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 22:45

21:55Tiredoftattler

It takes a certain kind of callousness and arrogance to create a life for. which the only kind of support that you are prepared to offer is child care.

How can anyone defend that as acceptable behavior in either a father or mother?

Nope.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 22:46

LaceyBetty's post.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 22:47

@GreyhoundG1rl

LaceyBetty's post.

I was referring to the above post.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 22:49

Sorry, I got confused!

SD1978 · 01/05/2021 22:51

@24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed - yes. I absolutely would. If the father had custody and the mother only saw the kids 4 days a fortnight, and then decided to stop paying because it suited family number 2 better fir her not to work- damn right I'd be judging her just as harshly. Get an evening job. Get a night shift job. Support all your kids, not the just the new and shiny ones.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 22:52

I think the principle remains the same though, if a couple have decided that two people working and paying childcare doesn't appeal, then the non earning parent will be doing that as part of a shared choice and decision.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 22:53

@GreyhoundG1rl

I think the principle remains the same though, if a couple have decided that two people working and paying childcare doesn't appeal, then the non earning parent will be doing that as part of a shared choice and decision.

I don't agree that you can make a sweeping statement that anyone who doesn't provide financially is callous.

Ofc it's different, nobody has said it's not, but he doesn't have to discuss and agree with his ex anymore because she's his ex and vice versa.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 22:56

I don't agree that you can make a sweeping statement that anyone who doesn't provide financially is callous.
I'm not sure why you're fixated on sweeping statements, in this instance it's different for op's dh because he is not part of the couple who've made the mutual decision that their child will be better served by one of them temporarily not working and being a sahp.

Tiredoftattler · 01/05/2021 22:57

@TrustTheGeneGenie
Read my prior post on different topics. Personally, I think it irresponsible for a woman to have a child or children that she is incapable of supporting on her own.

That said even if the Mom were as rich as Jeff Besos or Bill Gates, that would not mean that the father should not contribute his fair share to the financial support of his children.

I do not think that there is a gender pass on responsibility and obligations for anyone.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 22:58

@GreyhoundG1rl

I don't agree that you can make a sweeping statement that anyone who doesn't provide financially is callous. I'm not sure why you're fixated on sweeping statements, in this instance it's different for op's dh because he is not part of the couple who've made the mutual decision that their child will be better served by one of them temporarily not working and being a sahp.

I'm "fixated" because people keep making them as if it's okay?

Again, I've agreed it's different but why do people think it's okay to say everyone who doesn't provide financially is an arsehole? They're not differentiating, making exceptions, just tarring everyone with the same brush and that is not fair.

SquirtleSquad · 01/05/2021 22:58

@Tiredoftattler

I think an ideal solution would be to find a way to make reproductive irresponsibility a criminal offense. In the states you have to bring proof of insurance in order to get a license plate to make your car on the road.

Certainly if you have to demonstrate that level of responsibility for a car, you should have to demonstrate some level of responsibility for a life

Serena Joy, is that you?

LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 23:01

but why do people think it's okay to say everyone who doesn't provide financially is an arsehole

Absolutely no one has said that though. It's this father who is an arsehole. He and the OP know exactly what they are tying to achieve. No one had disparaged stay at home mums.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 23:02

Again, I've agreed it's different but why do people think it's okay to say everyone who doesn't provide financially is an arsehole? They're not differentiating, making exceptions, just tarring everyone with the same brush and that is not fair.
Ok, I agree.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 23:03

@GreyhoundG1rl

Again, I've agreed it's different but why do people think it's okay to say everyone who doesn't provide financially is an arsehole? They're not differentiating, making exceptions, just tarring everyone with the same brush and that is not fair. Ok, I agree.

Disclaimer; if it was said.

Nat6999 · 01/05/2021 23:05

Not including the CMS, if you are working full time then your DH needs to be doing all the housework, laundry, shopping & cooking. Make sure you don't end up like I did coming home to my then DH either laid asleep on the sofa or having palmed ds off on his mum, laid in bed watching porn. It was when he stopped working that our marriage started going downhill. Could he get a job a couple of nights filling shelves at a supermarket, or working night shifts at weekends? Anything he earned over the £250 CMS could go in the family pot.

giggly · 01/05/2021 23:08

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Rainbowqueeen · 01/05/2021 23:09

Op can you clarify why your stepsons mum was not willing to do 50-50 when asked 3 years ago. Is it to do with logistics, DSS preference, or something else?

You will get much more sensible answers about how best to support both children so that they have good relationships with all their parents and grow up healthy and happy if you can tell us that

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 23:13

@LaceyBetty

but why do people think it's okay to say everyone who doesn't provide financially is an arsehole

Absolutely no one has said that though. It's this father who is an arsehole. He and the OP know exactly what they are tying to achieve. No one had disparaged stay at home mums.

The post I quoted said exactly that

Here it is again

21:55Tiredoftattler

It takes a certain kind of callousness and arrogance to create a life for. which the only kind of support that you are prepared to offer is child care.

How can anyone defend that as acceptable behavior in either a father or mother?

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 23:16

Round and round we go...
You can't make that decision independently of the other parent. I don't know any other way of explaining it to you.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 23:22

@GreyhoundG1rl

Round and round we go... You can't make that decision independently of the other parent. I don't know any other way of explaining it to you.

She'd saying nobody said it. It's literally there in black and white.

And yes, clearly they can. The ex may not like it, but they can. Presumably people don't consult their ex before they move home or move a partner in or whatever else. No.

I understand why it's different. And I understand why it's shit. But it's not the point I am trying to make and I don't know any other way of explaining it to you.

What I am getting at is the post I have quoted. It's not talking about the oos husband specifically. It's talking about anyone who doesn't contribute financially.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 01/05/2021 23:37

"And yes, clearly they can. The ex may not like it, but they can. Presumably people don't consult their ex before they move home or move a partner in or whatever else. No."

It's nothing like moving home though, it's a decision that impacts the ex greatly.
Of course anyone can theoretically do what they like doesn't mean that its ok though.
And yes it does make you an arsehole to try and get 50/50 purely because you don't want to pay maintenance.
It's not for the kids benefit at all the OP has stated that clearly she wants to save money and not pay maintenance.
Grim.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 23:40

The ex may not like it, but they can.
Well sure, can't is the wrong word. Substitute with decent people wouldn't.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 01/05/2021 23:41

"I'm just doing what's best for baby. I agree DSS should come more often or even go 50:50 that way no CMS payment needed."

Again GRIM

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 23:59

@GreyhoundG1rl

The ex may not like it, but they can. Well sure, can't is the wrong word. Substitute with decent people wouldn't.

Decent people offer an alternative like 50/50. Oh wait....

I can't be arsed arguing anymore. It's pointless.

You don't want to understand what I'm saying, you've made your mind up.