Page 23 | Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

Britsmums11 · 2021-04-30T19:04:51+00:00

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

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TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 21:17

Working will make his second child worse off. Does that child not count?

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 21:20

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Working will make his second child worse off. Does that child not count?

Why does the 2nd child have to count at the expense of the 1st child? The 2nd child came into the world as a sibling so their life will be shaped by that, as all subsequent children are.

LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 21:28

@TrustTheGeneGenie a blended family is just that. Everyone is better and worse off together. Again, so glad you and the OP weren't my stepmum.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 01/05/2021 21:30

Why is it OK for people to keep on having children they can't afford? There's a lot of non-resident parents in this country who are lucky we have a benefits system to pick up the pieces, otherwise their children would be starving in the streets.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 01/05/2021 21:32

I mean, the expense of childcare is hardly an unexpected one. You'd think you'd take that into account before choosing to have another baby and beggar your existing child.

Iyland · 01/05/2021 21:34

jellybabies

I've often wondered if taking family money into account for maintenance payments would solve this. I think less women would get involved with and have children with men who weren't prepared to provide for their children if it was them who could also be held financially responsible.

I understand why it isn't this way but can't help but think it would actually work to a degree.

ALevelhelp · 01/05/2021 21:35

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Working will make his second child worse off. Does that child not count?

Surely it's not a competition, there has to be a compromise that works for all

osbertthesyrianhamster · 01/05/2021 21:35

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

Why is it OK for people to keep on having children they can't afford? There's a lot of non-resident parents in this country who are lucky we have a benefits system to pick up the pieces, otherwise their children would be starving in the streets.

It isn't. Amazing how many people think it's just fine and find such people attractive enough to procreate further with. Notice 'My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option' and then, 'But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case.' Knows exactly what he's doing.

LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 21:37

In America you can, and people do, go to jail for not paying child support. Or your driving license and passport are taken away. It's need Les to get way tougher here so deadbeats don't get away with shirking.

LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 21:38

*needs

osbertthesyrianhamster · 01/05/2021 21:38

@Iyland

jellybabies

I've often wondered if taking family money into account for maintenance payments would solve this. I think less women would get involved with and have children with men who weren't prepared to provide for their children if it was them who could also be held financially responsible.

I understand why it isn't this way but can't help but think it would actually work to a degree.

Indeed. And the curious thing is that it is not when it comes to maintenance, but it is when the child goes to apply for financial aid to go to uni, regardless of it the according parental contribution is given or not.

Amazed at anyone who'd procreate with a person who isn't prepared to provide for their children, time and money, they need both.

But you see it over and over again here, woman gets with man who has other kids, skived out on supporting them, does the same thing.

twinkletoesfairynose · 01/05/2021 21:43

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Working will make his second child worse off. Does that child not count?

Why would it make the second child worse off?

Both parents have to work now a days. It would be no different if he had had two children with the same woman or two children by different ones like in this case. He still has to provide

CandyLeBonBon · 01/05/2021 21:53

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Working will make his second child worse off. Does that child not count?

How? Lots of people have second and subsequent children and have to work. The luxury of choosing to stay home is not an option because children are expensive. By that logic, all subsequent children are disadvantaged.

Dh Working won't make that child worse off.

Tiredoftattler · 01/05/2021 21:55

It takes a certain kind of callousness and arrogance to create a life for. which the only kind of support that you are prepared to offer is child care.

How can anyone defend that as acceptable behavior in either a father or mother?

24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed · 01/05/2021 21:56

Would this be the same for a SAHM? I see a lot of “he doesn’t get the luxury of being a sahd” or similar.. I don’t think SAHM donit because it’s a luxury, it’s usually because childcare costs aren’t worth going to work.. and usually the husband earns more (thanks to gender pay gap) .. so the reasonable option is for the mum to stay home and take care of the children while dad works.

I wonder if you would all respond the same if the roles were reversed and the dad had custody and the mum should be paying CMS but can’t afford to work and pay childcare.

OP; go for it. Talk to DH’s ex though. Explain your situation and give her the options you think are reasonable, than ask her if she has any ideas on how to arrange what happens when DH has no income. She’s not entitled to your money.

Would you be willing to contribute anything at all as CMS as a compromise?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 22:00

[quote LaceyBetty]@TrustTheGeneGenie a blended family is just that. Everyone is better and worse off together. Again, so glad you and the OP weren't my stepmum. [/quote]
Yes, I've always been a total bastard to dss. That's why dp has always paid maintenance and all extras, and dss lived with us for almost three years. All because I am a massive bitch.

Wind your neck in love.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 22:02

Op has quite literally said they'll be financially better off with him not working. So him working makes the second child worse off.

Whoever said there has to be a compromise, I agree.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 22:03

@Tiredoftattler

It takes a certain kind of callousness and arrogance to create a life for. which the only kind of support that you are prepared to offer is child care.

How can anyone defend that as acceptable behavior in either a father or mother?

Do you say that to sahms who don't provide a penny financially and only provide childcare?

No? Why not?

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 01/05/2021 22:16

"I wonder if you would all respond the same if the roles were reversed and the dad had custody and the mum should be paying CMS but can’t afford to work and pay childcare."

As others have already said when someone else brought this up absolutely yes I would.
Unfortunately facts are it's men that are more likely to do this.

My ex actually does it, hasn't paid in years because he's a 'SAHD' to two school children.
He didn't offer to look after my kids whilst I worked as he never saw them anyway as he's an absent father.

The funny thing is his wife knows what a feckless father he is and that actually he would do the same to her kids at the drop of a hat if they were to split ( she has also admitted she feels this way to me herself) shes stuck with him now and their false life.

Nice to see people cheering on others to be complicent in helping child maintenance dodgers though, yeh 'go for it op'!

Tiredoftattler · 01/05/2021 22:29

I think an ideal solution would be to find a way to make reproductive irresponsibility a criminal offense. In the states you have to bring proof of insurance in order to get a license plate to make your car on the road.

Certainly if you have to demonstrate that level of responsibility for a car, you should have to demonstrate some level of responsibility for a life

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 22:33

@Tiredoftattler

I think an ideal solution would be to find a way to make reproductive irresponsibility a criminal offense. In the states you have to bring proof of insurance in order to get a license plate to make your car on the road.

Certainly if you have to demonstrate that level of responsibility for a car, you should have to demonstrate some level of responsibility for a life

Wtaf

LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 22:36

*Do you say that to sahms who don't provide a penny financially and only provide childcare?

No? Why not?*

You are being so ridiculous. This isn't a nuclear family where all involved have decided that one parent staying at home makes sense for everyone.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 22:39

@LaceyBetty

*Do you say that to sahms who don't provide a penny financially and only provide childcare?

No? Why not?*

You are being so ridiculous. This isn't a nuclear family where all involved have decided that one parent staying at home makes sense for everyone.

But when you make sweeping statements like that and don't clarify, you're going to be asked.

I'm not being ridiculous at all.

It's not a nuclear family and as such the ex doesn't get a say. Yes, shit for her, but then the ex will make decisions that are shit for the other parent. These are the pitfalls of divorce. I'm not suggesting he quits and access doesn't change and she doesn't get a penny, but legally she has fuck all to do with his decision right now.

That poster literally said "the only kind of support you are prepared to offer is childcare" - which describes a stay at home mum, doesn't it? That's why I asked.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 22:41

The op's dh has chosen to split his two children across two families, of course the dynamic is different.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 22:42

@GreyhoundG1rl

The op's dh has chosen to split his two children across two families, of course the dynamic is different.

Nobody ever said the dynamic wasn't different. That poster made a statement that explicitly sad anyone who doesn't provide financially is callous.

Stay at home mums don't provide financially. Are they callous?