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Original poster

Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

999 replies

Britsmums11 · 30/04/2021 20:04

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

OP posts:
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CandyLeBonBon · 01/05/2021 20:34

Yes @TrustTheGeneGenie, from the limited information the op has given, I feel sorry for the kids. You don't have to agree with me. That's fine! I also accept that there is almost certainly more to this than meets the eye and that information may change my opinion, were we privy to it.

As it stands, based on the OP's comments, yes, I feel sorry for the kids.

But you carry on frothing! Grin

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 20:34

TrustTheGeneGenie
You seem to have taken over the thread, shouting every other poster down. It's not about you.

AlexaRain · 01/05/2021 20:35

@custardbear

I think you need to consider all children and finance before deciding to have more children - the step child will end up missing out and that's not fair on him - far less fair than you giving money into a situation you openly went into with your eyes wide open, the child relies on his dad, and now you that you've joined this family - if that means you have to pay, that's what you signed up to im afraid
The courts and CMS disagree with you. The OP isn't obliged to pay anything towards her stepchild or DP's ex.
TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:36

@GreyhoundG1rl

TrustTheGeneGenie You seem to have taken over the thread, shouting every other poster down. It's not about you.
Oh sorry didn't realise I was banned from posting Confused I've never said it's about me. I don't have this problem. I'm just commenting on a thread like everyone else. Take it up with hq if you think the frequency is an issue.
TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:37

@CandyLeBonBon

Yes *@TrustTheGeneGenie*, from the limited information the op has given, I feel sorry for the kids. You don't have to agree with me. That's fine! I also accept that there is almost certainly more to this than meets the eye and that information may change my opinion, were we privy to it.

As it stands, based on the OP's comments, yes, I feel sorry for the kids.

But you carry on frothing! Grin

I'm not frothing at all. Far from it. I've said none of us know. It's not me frothing about evil dad's and poor ex wives and op will be left because her husbands a shit.
GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 20:39

Oh sorry didn't realise I was banned from posting Confused
Oh, don't do that Hmm. Other posters are entitled to their point of view.
Opinions are like arseholes, we've all got one. The prevailing opinion shouldn't be from the person who shouts loudest.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:40

@GreyhoundG1rl

Oh sorry didn't realise I was banned from posting Confused Oh, don't do that Hmm. Other posters are entitled to their point of view. Opinions are like arseholes, we've all got one. The prevailing opinion shouldn't be from the person who shouts loudest.
I'm not shouting loudest. I'm just posting. You are not obligated to read it.
ThatIsMyPotato · 01/05/2021 20:45

@LaceyBetty

Read this one. Many posters have made it clear that support from a man only counts is it's cash.

Point to one post. Support needs to be time AND cash. That a the role of a parent.

I know parents on the unpaid bit of maternity leave. Should I tell them they are failing their children? Or my SAHM friend who isn't earning anything. Or my friend who is off working overseas and unable to spend time with his children that he isn't a parent.
ThatIsMyPotato · 01/05/2021 20:50

@kandikandi Not all stay at home mums or dads have a choice. thank you for saying this.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 20:51

I know parents on the unpaid bit of maternity leave. Should I tell them they are failing their children? Or my SAHM friend who isn't earning anything. Or my friend who is off working overseas and unable to spend time with his children that he isn't a parent.
What's the point of writing rubbish like this? You know this wasn't the argument.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/05/2021 20:53

Would his son benefit also from him being a SAHD? Would it mean a reduction in after school clubs etc? The ex could also be grateful to have fully available parent for ds to go to during the school holidays if she works which would save her money on childcare.

Pinkpaisley · 01/05/2021 20:53

@Britsmums11

You will be hard pressed to meet the 50:50 needs of a child for 250 a month. Remember that mom doesn’t need to send anything but the clothing child is wearing at handoff and that should be returned. You have to provide everything else, every bit of food, every bit of clothing, coats, shoes, school fees, Activity fees, gifts for birthday parties that fall on your days. The list of child related expenses never ends. If you want to get technical and mom is feeling petty, she could even empty the school bag of things like pencils and calculators before handoff so that you have to supply your own for your days. Actually, she could take the school bag too and just hand over the books and notebooks. Anything the parent sends back and forth might have the benefit of helping you, but it’s really for the comfort and continuity of the child.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:56

@GreyhoundG1rl

I know parents on the unpaid bit of maternity leave. Should I tell them they are failing their children? Or my SAHM friend who isn't earning anything. Or my friend who is off working overseas and unable to spend time with his children that he isn't a parent. What's the point of writing rubbish like this? You know this wasn't the argument.
The poster said parents should contribute time and cash.

How is this not the argument?

ThatIsMyPotato · 01/05/2021 20:57

GreyhoundG1rl I was trying to point out that not all parents can give time and money but they are still parents. I think it is important not to assume everyone has ideal circumstances but that doesn't make them a bad parent. Sorry if I offended and you think it is rubbish but comments like that touch a nerve with me as I come from circumstances that many would describe as not ideal but I still see my parents as parents.

I'll leave this thread now sorry for taking people too literally maybe.

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/05/2021 20:58

@Britsmums11

I am torn, I think my baby would greatly benefit from a SAHD especially as I had a maternity not long ago. 50:50 - contact is an option Or my husband going part time and reducing CMS payments. I was more concerned if my wages are considered as then it would be a massive chunk. Im glad they are not. To be perfect honest I can't think about what's best for absolutely everyone. Like I said I've got total and complete tunnel vision and want to do what's right for My baby.
Talk to the ex. Would she miss the £250? If so them even 50:50 might plunge them into poverty so he may need to offer having him more. And then it would cost you guys way more than £250 a month.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 01/05/2021 20:59

The courts and CMS disagree with you. The OP isn't obliged to pay anything towards her stepchild or DP's ex.

Which is absolute shit because they don't stop costing. But again, from the OP's own posts it's clear both she and he think this is an ideal way of not paying a bean.

We don't know the age of the child or if he requires childcare at all, so a fig for 'she should be grateful'. Again, if he pays nothing because he has 50/50 custody, who pays for the adult-sized clothes, the uniform, the pocket money, the school trips, the glasses and braces, the phone and laptop etc etc. They don't stay little.

And it may not be in the best interest of the child.

If he can do that to one, he can do it to another.

And she will be the one paying maintenance if it goes awry.

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/05/2021 21:01

@Britsmums11

For some context my husband asked for 50:50 three years ago and was refused by the ex. So this suggestion isn't just to stop CMS payments. But seems the best option. I don't feel comfortable working and supporting the family and handing over £250 to a woman who I barely see or know. If DSS is with us I'm more than happy to pay and contribute as I know the money is going on him and for his benefit.
You will be paying far more than £250 if he lives with you. Sounds like this is just about saving you guys money - you haven’t done any critical thinking as to the actual cost of parenting. Which makes me feel sorry for both of your kids actually - 250 a month is pittance.
themalamander · 01/05/2021 21:06

Is 50/50 practical with your step son's schooling?
If it is practical and really a workable solution then your husband should absolutely go for a 50/50 arrangement.

However, if it is not in the best interests of his child and his school etc then 50/50 isnt a good idea.

Forget legal requirement. I'm assuming that you are a decent human being.

You married a man with a child already. He needs to support that child financially and emotionally. If 50/50 isnt practical then he needs to financially support the child. You, as a family, have decided that he should not work in order to put you and your child in better positions. What about the child he already has? You cannot just wash your hands of that. By choosing to be the only earner, you have a moral obligation to cover his expenses as well. His child is one of his expenses. You dont need to calculate using your wage. Just provide whatever he was required to pay on his wage, as that is what he (and you) are choosing to give up to benefit your child.

You arent paying it to a woman you dont know. You are financially supporting a member of the family you married into; the child you knew existed when you and your husband had another one. You knew the costs of childcare before you had that child. You knew, you both went ahead and had the child. That means you must have considered his first child.

Dont be horrible human being. It is a family bill. Pay it.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2021 21:08

@LaceyBetty

What about stay at home mums?

Can't be a stay at home mum if the family can't afford it.

Or in this case, end up being a SAHM because you can't afford to work
Yoyooo · 01/05/2021 21:11

Any reason your DH can't work one day a week to earn the £250 a month to pay for his son? One shift a week in a bar would pay for that...(£9 x 7 hours x 4 weeks)

Also has your DH realised working (even part time) will make it easier to re enter the workplace once your child is older?

LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 21:13

@ThatIsMyPotato oh you know what I meant. It takes time and money to raise a child. As if I'm saying a stay at home mum doesn't do her part. Come on.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 21:14

[quote LaceyBetty]@ThatIsMyPotato oh you know what I meant. It takes time and money to raise a child. As if I'm saying a stay at home mum doesn't do her part. Come on. [/quote]
You're saying a sahd wouldn't though. What's the difference?

LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 21:15

Because he'd be depriving his first son by doing so.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 21:16

@LaceyBetty

Because he'd be depriving his first son by doing so.
He wouldn't if he had him half the time which is what is being suggested.
LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 21:16

I'd say they same it it were a woman. If taking at home makes a child worse off, then it shouldn't be done.