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Original poster

Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

999 replies

Britsmums11 · 30/04/2021 20:04

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

OP posts:
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TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:18

@GreyhoundG1rl

But the nrp also has to pay for a house etc to be able to have the child stay 🤷‍♀️ What are the incremental costs of having the child to stay, given that the nrp would be living there anyway, not pitching a tent somewhere?!
Flip that and ask yourself why were mentioning heating and housing costs for the RP then?
LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 20:18

Read this one. Many posters have made it clear that support from a man only counts is it's cash.

Point to one post. Support needs to be time AND cash. That a the role of a parent.

JustLyra · 01/05/2021 20:18

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Exactly *@JustLyra* so dad's care only counts if it's cash.
Not at all. You’re completely twisting what is being said. Quite deliberately.
TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:19

@LaceyBetty

Read this one. Many posters have made it clear that support from a man only counts is it's cash.

Point to one post. Support needs to be time AND cash. That a the role of a parent.

"get an evening and weekend job"

You know, so he can pay but literally never have an opportunity to spend time with his son. Speaks volumes.

He's been called lazy for wanting to be a sahp.

Iyland · 01/05/2021 20:20

You have read it wrong because I wrote it.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:21

No I'm not @JustLyra I don't need to twist it. What you're saying is quite obvious.

Unless he does this for his child, it doesn't count, even though his child may well benefit from it. And the other child will benefit from it but nobody gives two hoots about that child.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:21

@Iyland

You have read it wrong because I wrote it.
Perhaps you didn't explain yourself very well.
kandikandi · 01/05/2021 20:22

@LaceyBetty

Read this one. Many posters have made it clear that support from a man only counts is it's cash.

Point to one post. Support needs to be time AND cash. That a the role of a parent.

Does it? What about parents who are unemployed, ill or SAHM who have no access to a career? My mum didn't earn a penny to pay for me and my brother while she was with my dad. Was she not a good parent?
LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 20:25

@kandikandi oh come on. Obviously not talking about the same thing. At all.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:25

[quote LaceyBetty]@kandikandi oh come on. Obviously not talking about the same thing. At all. [/quote]
It is the same.

You've just said parents should provide time and cash.

What about stay at home mums?

JustLyra · 01/05/2021 20:25

@TrustTheGeneGenie

No I'm not *@JustLyra* I don't need to twist it. What you're saying is quite obvious.

Unless he does this for his child, it doesn't count, even though his child may well benefit from it. And the other child will benefit from it but nobody gives two hoots about that child.

That’s not remotely what I said. I said unless there is a benefit to his child it’s unfair to change his circumstances just because the OP and him have had a baby.

I said nothing about it purely being for the child. I simply commented that there has been nothing from the OP about a benefit.

You are making assumptions about other people despite their words saying otherwise.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:27

I'm not assuming. You've literally just said as much.

Why are you so sure it won't benefit both children? Realistically you have no idea. None of us do.

LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 20:27

What about stay at home mums?

Can't be a stay at home mum if the family can't afford it.

Iyland · 01/05/2021 20:27

No I think you want it to mean something different than it does because it fits your narrative. You're very aggressive and seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder. That isn't my issue that's your so please don't let me get in the way of you blindly claiming you're correct when you aren't.

You're pretty aggressive in the way you write so I'll not engage further Smile

CandyLeBonBon · 01/05/2021 20:27

Well to be fair @TrustTheGeneGenie I work my bollocks off to afford everything me snd my 3 kids need, even though ex does pay cms, because I want to make sure that as and when it dies end, I am financially self sufficient- that also means I don't get to see and spend as much time with my kids as I'd like.

That's like unfortunately.

Anyway the op hasn't furnished us with enough information really - there are too many variables to realistically comment on the true situation and the OP is probably enjoying us all froth madly. I feel sad for the kids.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:28

@LaceyBetty

What about stay at home mums?

Can't be a stay at home mum if the family can't afford it.

The family can afford it though Confused
kandikandi · 01/05/2021 20:28

[quote LaceyBetty]@kandikandi oh come on. Obviously not talking about the same thing. At all. [/quote]
Why not? Because she was a mum rather than a dad? Your principle is either true or really we shouldn't be judging individual family decisions and arrangements because we don't really understand them well enough.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:29

@CandyLeBonBon

Well to be fair *@TrustTheGeneGenie* I work my bollocks off to afford everything me snd my 3 kids need, even though ex does pay cms, because I want to make sure that as and when it dies end, I am financially self sufficient- that also means I don't get to see and spend as much time with my kids as I'd like.

That's like unfortunately.

Anyway the op hasn't furnished us with enough information really - there are too many variables to realistically comment on the true situation and the OP is probably enjoying us all froth madly. I feel sad for the kids.

We can't comment but you feel sad for the kids. Lol.
TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:29

@Iyland

No I think you want it to mean something different than it does because it fits your narrative. You're very aggressive and seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder. That isn't my issue that's your so please don't let me get in the way of you blindly claiming you're correct when you aren't.

You're pretty aggressive in the way you write so I'll not engage further Smile

Agressive? Right. Maybe just bored of you saying shit and then denying it over and over and over again.
LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 20:29

@TrustTheGeneGenie no they can't! They can only afford it if the father stops paying support for his first child or blackmail the mum into 50/50.

Like others, I'm done with this.

Iyland · 01/05/2021 20:30

It is the same

It isn't because you're talking about a nuclear family making a decision to benefit the family as a whole.

This is one parent deciding what benefits themselves and their new family and just telling the other parent to suck it up.

It's different. It may well work for the other side and if does great, if it doesn't then that's not so great is it?

kandikandi · 01/05/2021 20:30

@LaceyBetty

What about stay at home mums?

Can't be a stay at home mum if the family can't afford it.

Not all stay at home mums or dads have a choice.
Iyland · 01/05/2021 20:31

Oh apologies I thought someone else wrote that.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 20:31

[quote LaceyBetty]@TrustTheGeneGenie no they can't! They can only afford it if the father stops paying support for his first child or blackmail the mum into 50/50.

Like others, I'm done with this. [/quote]
Blackmail?! Who's mentioned blackmail!

They can afford it as a household. Op has not said they can't afford it. She said they can't afford maintenance based on her income. Different things.

JustLyra · 01/05/2021 20:32

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I'm not assuming. You've literally just said as much.

Why are you so sure it won't benefit both children? Realistically you have no idea. None of us do.

I’m not. That’s why I specifically said “unless there is a benefit to the child it’s a shitty thing to do”.

Which quite clearly shows that if there is a benefit for the child it’s not a shitty thing to do.

I’m not the one making assumptions here.