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Original poster

Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

999 replies

Britsmums11 · 30/04/2021 20:04

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

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LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 18:49

From the OP we know that husband is completely aware of the fact that if he becomes a stay at home dad, the OP will not be responsible for child support and neither will he. He is clearly fine with that. Actually, he's suggesting that. What a dead beat. It's only later i this thread that the 50/50 came up. Again, with a view to not paying anything.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 18:51

@LaceyBetty

From the OP we know that husband is completely aware of the fact that if he becomes a stay at home dad, the OP will not be responsible for child support and neither will he. He is clearly fine with that. Actually, he's suggesting that. What a dead beat. It's only later i this thread that the 50/50 came up. Again, with a view to not paying anything.
But he wouldn't not be paying anything if they had 50/50 would he. As a unit they'd be providing for him half the time.

Money doesn't only count when it's handed over to the ex.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 18:52

@Britsmums11

Okay thank you, I know I'd be heavily judged. I'm just doing what's best for baby. I agree DSS should come more often or even go 50:50 that way no CMS payment needed.
The other child is/was his baby too. Any man not happy to give them equal standing deserves to be judged negatively.
Original poster
Britsmums11 · 01/05/2021 18:54

I don't think the ex has much choice to be honest its 50:50 or no payments. So the choice is hers ultimately

OP posts:
LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 18:55

@TrustTheGeneGenie I don't buy it for a second that they actually want 50/50. It is described here as an "option". But so was going part time to "lower the CMS".

The OP's posts are unashamedly selfish and it's clear she doesn't care what happens regrading the first child. She has said so in her posts. Why would they take 50/50 if that means more than the £250? They know exactly what they are doing.

LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 18:56

@Britsmums11

I don't think the ex has much choice to be honest its 50:50 or no payments. So the choice is hers ultimately
Wow. Glad your not my kids' stepmom! How about thinking about what's best for the child? Oh right, you only care about yours.
TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 18:58

[quote LaceyBetty]@TrustTheGeneGenie I don't buy it for a second that they actually want 50/50. It is described here as an "option". But so was going part time to "lower the CMS".

The OP's posts are unashamedly selfish and it's clear she doesn't care what happens regrading the first child. She has said so in her posts. Why would they take 50/50 if that means more than the £250? They know exactly what they are doing. [/quote]
As I said before it may not be more than £250.

And just because you don't "buy it" doesn't make it untrue.

It is an "option" isn't it. One that in my head makes sense.

The thing is mum is allowed to call the shots and dictate contact and prefer money to time but of the other parent wants to change that they're selfish and lazy.

ivfgottwins · 01/05/2021 18:58

@Britsmums11

I don't think the ex has much choice to be honest its 50:50 or no payments. So the choice is hers ultimately

What is the situation with the ex? Does she work / partner / have other children / how old is the older child - is there a childcare cost she is incurring which would be saved of your husband did all the childcare too?

Original poster
Britsmums11 · 01/05/2021 18:59

For some context my husband asked for 50:50 three years ago and was refused by the ex. So this suggestion isn't just to stop CMS payments. But seems the best option. I don't feel comfortable working and supporting the family and handing over £250 to a woman who I barely see or know. If DSS is with us I'm more than happy to pay and contribute as I know the money is going on him and for his benefit.

OP posts:
FrankieFox · 01/05/2021 18:59

This cannot possibly be real.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 19:00

@Britsmums11

I don't think the ex has much choice to be honest its 50:50 or no payments. So the choice is hers ultimately
That should really not be how it works Hmm. Where is your dh in all this? Does he agree with you?
GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 19:01

I don't feel comfortable working and supporting the family and handing over £250 to a woman who I barely see or know
Then your dh cannot afford to indulge himself being a Sahd.

LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 19:03

I don't feel comfortable working and supporting the family and handing over £250 to a woman who I barely see or know. If DSS is with us I'm more than happy to pay and contribute as I know the money is going on him and for his benefit.

Then your DH should work and support the family. He knows her. And I would say the exact same if I was talking about a mum.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 19:03

@GreyhoundG1rl

I don't feel comfortable working and supporting the family and handing over £250 to a woman who I barely see or know Then your dh cannot afford to indulge himself being a Sahd.
Well she can if she's happy to pay for dss while he's there, which she is. You ignored that bit.
TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 19:04

Why can't she work and support herself and her son 50% of the time?

Crazybirdlady · 01/05/2021 19:04

Take DSS 50/50 to tick a box so you can feel better about not paying. Bet it will still fall to his mum to pay for clothes, shoes, school uniform, book bills, activities and so on.
How he treats his DS is how he will treat your DD if you split.

ivfgottwins · 01/05/2021 19:05

Surely this would have come up on discussion before you even had a child - you surely can't be that naïve?

If you aren't comfortable paying it then the only moral solution is that he works around caring for the child you have together to fulfil his financial obligations

If he really wanted 50/50 last year then he should have pursed it legally.....now it just looks like he is using it to reduce his CMS payments

EvilPea · 01/05/2021 19:05

50:50 with school age is tricky to balance and there is some argument that it can be detrimental to children if they don’t feel they have a home and a base. It works best when everyone communicates freely and lives locally to each other.
So think carefully if you can achieve and maintain that for DSS

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 19:05

Well she can if she's happy to pay for dss while he's there, which she is. You ignored that bit
That's dependant on the child's mother agreeing to 50:50.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 19:06

@Crazybirdlady

Take DSS 50/50 to tick a box so you can feel better about not paying. Bet it will still fall to his mum to pay for clothes, shoes, school uniform, book bills, activities and so on. How he treats his DS is how he will treat your DD if you split.
Bet based on what exactly?
TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 19:07

@GreyhoundG1rl

Well she can if she's happy to pay for dss while he's there, which she is. You ignored that bit That's dependant on the child's mother agreeing to 50:50.
Well if she doesn't that's on her isn't it?
LaceyBetty · 01/05/2021 19:07

I was a step child and would have hated 50/50. I needed a bit of a "base". I wouldn't assume 50/50 is a done deal.

Crazybirdlady · 01/05/2021 19:08

@Britsmums11

For some context my husband asked for 50:50 three years ago and was refused by the ex. So this suggestion isn't just to stop CMS payments. But seems the best option. I don't feel comfortable working and supporting the family and handing over £250 to a woman who I barely see or know. If DSS is with us I'm more than happy to pay and contribute as I know the money is going on him and for his benefit.
Ah yes, because she probably spends it all on fags and booze.
GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 19:09

Well if she doesn't that's on her isn't it?
Confused.

Crazybirdlady · 01/05/2021 19:10

Trustthegenegenie they are doing it to save money. That's obvious.