Page 15 | Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

Britsmums11 · 2021-04-30T19:04:51+00:00

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

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ThatIsMyPotato · 01/05/2021 17:17

@EnoughnowIthink

you'd think ex would be grateful he is offering to take them 50/50 he can't afford to pay more than he is but he can take them more and OP will pay for the costs

Yeah, of course. The ex should be grateful to have to make who knows what changes to her and her child’s lives, established routines, etc. She should be grateful for spending less time with her child in particular.

Presumably there is no safeguarding issue and she was happy to have a child with him in the first place then yes I would think she should be fine with the child's father wanting to father.

NerrSnerr · 01/05/2021 17:19

[quote TwinsAndTrifle]@NerrSnerr

That's what the situation would be. Not what it is/has been.

I have no doubt the ex hasn't required any childcare. Because I have no doubt she's got any desire to work so doesn't need it.

The point is, she'll be free, to work full time now. The father will provide all childcare, which would otherwise cost her £xyz a month. But that's no good to someone who can't be arsed to work. Why pull your own weight when two other people can work full time and never see the child they have together, so they can give you £250 a month to not work. Outrageous disadvantage for the child they have. First wives only see the cash they might lose, the audacity they get off their backsides and earn money rather than just receive it . Appalling.[/quote]
There's no arguing with you as without any facts you've made up your mind- about every first wife in the UK (or the world?). Of course EVERY thread on Mumsnet plays out like this because you decide the narrative at the start and there's clearly no deviating from that.

minniemomo · 01/05/2021 17:21

You should have your dss 50/50 and pay for half the costs eg half clothes, half school uniform, lunch money, trips etc. Genuinely half that is. If ex refuses then it's on them. Children shouldn't be disadvantaged by a half sibling

BigFatLiar · 01/05/2021 17:27

[quote NerrSnerr]@TwinsAndTrifle if the scenario you've made up is true and the older child is in childcare that costs £1000 a month why is he only paying a quarter of that and nothing else? Makes no sense.[/quote]
The childcare costs are fiction! It's like a lot of the posts on here, all made up based on other posters prejudices. We have no knowledge of the ex's financial status and little knowledge of the OP's status.

As it is from whats been posted, OP and her husband currently are paying childcare for their child an amount that means it would be financially better for them for him to be a sahd. (childcare being more than his income). Benefit is their child stays at home with dad, better family ties perhaps. Assuming a sahp isn't a lazy sitting on your arse role as some have posted, he'd probably doing the res of the same chores any sahp does.

To add to all the fiction...

The ex left him to live with her rich lover in his mansion where she has a resident nanny to care for the child who she only sees to say goodnight as nanny takes him to bed. Meanwhile she returns to post on MN about what a deadbeat her ex was after she took him to the cleaners.
The end.

Who knows what the true situation is? not us

Pinkpaisley · 01/05/2021 17:29

@TwinsAndTrifle

Every single mother I know works full-time.

TwinsAndTrifle · 01/05/2021 17:38

I don't know a single mother that works.

And whilst it's...er... interesting (?) that I can somehow make a thread become my narrative (??) you miss the point entirely. Every single one of these threads, people speculate, just like this, about the "poor ex." And every single time, after all the speculation, she turns out, lo and behold, to be refusing to work, whilst complaining that other people should be.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 01/05/2021 17:39

[quote TwinsAndTrifle]@NerrSnerr

That's what the situation would be. Not what it is/has been.

I have no doubt the ex hasn't required any childcare. Because I have no doubt she's got any desire to work so doesn't need it.

The point is, she'll be free, to work full time now. The father will provide all childcare, which would otherwise cost her £xyz a month. But that's no good to someone who can't be arsed to work. Why pull your own weight when two other people can work full time and never see the child they have together, so they can give you £250 a month to not work. Outrageous disadvantage for the child they have. First wives only see the cash they might lose, the audacity they get off their backsides and earn money rather than just receive it . Appalling.[/quote]
Do you know the first wife or something ?

sherrystrull · 01/05/2021 17:41

I think for me, the op and her husband are choosing for one of them to be a sahp. The ex then cannot choose that. She has to work. She gets none of the benefits of a sahp parent being at home all day (dinner ready, a wash put on) and also doesn't get to spend time with her child. It needs to be a decision between the three adults. If affects everyone

custardbear · 01/05/2021 17:43

I think you need to consider all children and finance before deciding to have more children - the step child will end up missing out and that's not fair on him - far less fair than you giving money into a situation you openly went into with your eyes wide open, the child relies on his dad, and now you that you've joined this family - if that means you have to pay, that's what you signed up to im afraid

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 01/05/2021 17:44

It would work out really well for him if you split too, as he will be the resident parent and you'll be paying child support to him.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 01/05/2021 17:46

Still wondering where the 50% of clothes for a teen in adult sizes, lunch money, pocket money, bus fares/bike/transport, glasses/braces/contacts/dental care, haircuts, activities, phone, laptop/printer, school trips, etc is coming from if the one parent skives out of paying.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 01/05/2021 17:50

Hell, not even a teen. I have a 12-year-old boy nowhere near open signs of puberty who is 5ft., 7in, wears a size 10 shoe, uses an adult-sized bike to get around, needs new frames every year for his glasses as he keeps growing, will need braces, we've had to pay privately for some healthcare for him, has to have his hair cut every month or it's like a bush, lunch money as he prefers school dinners, even the £6/month GifGaf phone plan and eats like a horse but is still on the cusp of being underweight (he can easily scoff 3,000 calories a day).

A teenager whose school trip had it gone would have been £250 not including spending money and she's not old enough to work, has braces, wears adult clothes and on and on.

ivfgottwins · 01/05/2021 17:52

As the higher earner in my family had I been in this situation i perhaps would have involved the older child's mother - like others have said - maybe she is paying out £1k a month in childcare and only gets £250 from the dad so him becoming a STAHP actually saves her £750 per month if he takes on all the childcare cost - therefore win win surely for everyone?

Had that not been the case I'd be telling his dad that he needed to get a job that earnt £250 a month to pay his obligations - if that meant a weekend job or couple of evenings a week in a bath then so be it - I certainly wouldn't be paying it

ALevelhelp · 01/05/2021 18:16

@sherrystrull

I think for me, the op and her husband are choosing for one of them to be a sahp. The ex then cannot choose that. She has to work. She gets none of the benefits of a sahp parent being at home all day (dinner ready, a wash put on) and also doesn't get to spend time with her child. It needs to be a decision between the three adults. If affects everyone

Exactly this

Mayra1367 · 01/05/2021 18:21

Just remember a father who neglects one child can neglect all of his children!
He has an obligation to take care of all his children.

Footloosefancyfree · 01/05/2021 18:22

TwinsAndTrifle ignore the troll cheeky sod saying they don't know a single mother who doesn't work.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2021 18:23

@sherrystrull

I think for me, the op and her husband are choosing for one of them to be a sahp. The ex then cannot choose that. She has to work. She gets none of the benefits of a sahp parent being at home all day (dinner ready, a wash put on) and also doesn't get to spend time with her child. It needs to be a decision between the three adults. If affects everyone

There's a lot of assumptions there. Ex may well not work esp as she is doing the bulk of the childcare. She may have a partner and other kids. She may be on 100k and have a Nanny, Cleaner and PA. Or she could be slogging away on minimum wage for 60 hours a week working 2 jobs whilst the kid is passed around so she can keep a roof over his head. None of us actually know except the op

Sillysandy · 01/05/2021 18:29

Oh no OP, this isn't right. I am a stepmum with a DC of ours and it's just not good enough to say you have tunnel vision regarding your baby. He already had a child, he needs to support both of his children. Can't you keep paying the same amount?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 18:33

@EnoughnowIthink

He is offering to be a SAHD for both his children

Lovely. How is he going to pay for half of his first child's costs? .

Op is, clearly.

Pinkpaisley · 01/05/2021 18:35

Footloosefancyfree

TwinsAndTrifle ignore the troll cheeky sod saying they don't know a single mother who doesn't work.biscuit

Wtf

Clearly you need to meet a better group of people. Plenty of women get an education, have a career, and then have children so when the marriage goes to hell they have options.

Pinkpaisley · 01/05/2021 18:38

Actually, I see what I did. I didn’t emphasize the “single mother” part and that statement could be read two ways.

I don’t know any women who are not married/partnered and have children that do not work full time.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 01/05/2021 18:41

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Still wondering where the 50% of clothes for a teen in adult sizes, lunch money, pocket money, bus fares/bike/transport, glasses/braces/contacts/dental care, haircuts, activities, phone, laptop/printer, school trips, etc is coming from if the one parent skives out of paying.

The op..... Obviously. What's hard to understand about this!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2021 18:44

If so is a sahd then ops income is family money

ThisIsSimplyBeyond · 01/05/2021 18:46

Morally, yes. Legally, no.

sherrystrull · 01/05/2021 18:47

@SleepingStandingUp, yes I've assumed some things.

One thing I've not assumed is that it appears the op and her husband are making decisions that affect the ex.