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Can you see it happening?

204 replies

Mollyandme2020 · 16/04/2021 19:46

My myself, my husband and our 3 children aged 1, 3 and 6 currently live in a 6 bedroom house so plenty of space.
Husbands son age 17 stays every other weekend.
We are moving house at the end of June to a 4 bed barn conversation. Which means each one of our children will have a room of their own and so will me and my husband.
The only place his son can now sleep at our new house is by putting a pop up bed in the dining room. He doesn’t have any of his own possessions at ours he just comes as he is and leaves as he is.
Can you see him wanting to do this??
My husband thinks that’s what will happen but I honestly can’t see why he would want to stay once we move.
I would have thought he’d be more likely to just visit for the day especially as he is now 17.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
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Rejoiningperson · 17/04/2021 20:59

Honestly I’d convert a shed or an attic or something and make sure that he has his own room. It would be awful if he has to camp out in the dining room. In fact he could help design it, it would be lovely for him! They do fantastic things these days. Or even a caravan in the garden?

Rejoiningperson · 17/04/2021 21:03

Also I really don’t think that you can take his ‘yeah that’ll be fine’ comment on board. 17 year olds have a quite huge transition to make, he will need his Dad more than ever. It’s only EOW so yes please, please do make a big fuss and give him the best accommodation that you can because believe me, it does signify to him how much his Dad cares.

My daughter has to stay on the couch every time she visits her Dad. She says it’s fine, says she has a great relationship with her Dad. But I know it really sends her a signal - you are only a passing visitor and have no place here in our home. She doesn’t equate it with only now wanting to see her Dad every 3 months for one night, but I do. I can see how it’s set up this relationship. It’s really sad.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 17/04/2021 21:20

The little ones are still babies really, my two chose to share a bedroom for years before they wanted their own. Why don’t they share, spare bedroom is then a lovely guest room for SS and other visitors. The SS won’t be using often it by the time you need the room.

crapbuttrue · 17/04/2021 21:36

I agree with keeping one room spare as a guest room. The youngest at 1 & 3 are fine to share.

Plus it's always nice to have a spare bed for when one of you needs a nights kip on their own. Or if you have small visitors in the night.....

Bimbledon · 17/04/2021 22:46

@Rejoiningperson

Also I really don’t think that you can take his ‘yeah that’ll be fine’ comment on board. 17 year olds have a quite huge transition to make, he will need his Dad more than ever. It’s only EOW so yes please, please do make a big fuss and give him the best accommodation that you can because believe me, it does signify to him how much his Dad cares.

My daughter has to stay on the couch every time she visits her Dad. She says it’s fine, says she has a great relationship with her Dad. But I know it really sends her a signal - you are only a passing visitor and have no place here in our home. She doesn’t equate it with only now wanting to see her Dad every 3 months for one night, but I do. I can see how it’s set up this relationship. It’s really sad.

If that’s how she says she feels, how do you know different? Genuinely curious.
Rejoiningperson · 17/04/2021 23:08

@Bimbledon because she only goes to her Dad’s now every 3 months. When there was more effort, when she had a temporary room, she went more. Also, my daughter would never complain, she’s just like that.

Also she reminds me of me. My own father made me sleep on the couch. I saw him only every few months. It’s taken me years but now I feel very sorry for the young me who had a Dad who didn’t care enough to even give me, his growing daughter, her own privacy. I don’t really talk to him anymore. He never did anything terrible. But he never was there for me, or made me feel welcome in his home. It was a very uncomfortable experience, both physically and emotionally, visiting him.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 23:15

@crapbuttrue

I agree with keeping one room spare as a guest room. The youngest at 1 & 3 are fine to share.

Plus it's always nice to have a spare bed for when one of you needs a nights kip on their own. Or if you have small visitors in the night.....

There is no way in hell I'd keep a guest room and put children of those ages together. They'll be waking each other up continuously.
Mistressinthetulips · 17/04/2021 23:30

All this judgement. I'm glad you're not letting it get to you, OP.
Not much chance of that, I would say Grin

The £400 a month thing is only worth mentioning if we also know the salary earned by the father - £400 could be incredibly generous or a bit of an insult, who could tell.

Footloosefancyfree · 17/04/2021 23:34

Ask yourself would you downsize your house again when your oldest was 17 almost 18 in 6 months time? If the answer is no then you know your wrong to treat your dh son with so little respect. Your both awful, the fact he didn't have any clothes or personal belongs from a being a child is astonishing. I'd be furious if my DS was treated like. Shame on you Biscuit I bet the poor kid has no idea he's getting a camp bed( massively uncomfortable) in the dinning room.

excelledyourself · 17/04/2021 23:38

I know of three separate families where the kids share a room at those ages. Two by necessity, one by choice. No sleep issues.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 23:41

@Footloosefancyfree

Ask yourself would you downsize your house again when your oldest was 17 almost 18 in 6 months time? If the answer is no then you know your wrong to treat your dh son with so little respect. Your both awful, the fact he didn't have any clothes or personal belongs from a being a child is astonishing. I'd be furious if my DS was treated like. Shame on you Biscuit I bet the poor kid has no idea he's getting a camp bed( massively uncomfortable) in the dinning room.
Completely different considering her children actually live there.
TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 23:42

@excelledyourself

I know of three separate families where the kids share a room at those ages. Two by necessity, one by choice. No sleep issues.
Ah right so because you know people it works for, it'll be fine. Or it might be totally bloody awful for everyone involved.
Footloosefancyfree · 17/04/2021 23:44

Not really they are almost adult aren't they able to stand on their two feet? Hmm 17/18 doesn't mean they stop being your child. Op has an agenda to remove the son and limit contact she's aware of the outcome although her dh is being naive to it. The son isn't any less equal to her children.

excelledyourself · 17/04/2021 23:47

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Excuse me??

It was you who stated as fact that they will wake each other continuously.

I just pointed out that it can work.

Save your sarcasm for where it's warranted.

BusLaneLady · 18/04/2021 00:25

I don't know how to word this properly but I feel the step son is being pushed out if you go with the dining room arrangements. My mum still keeps my room with my king sized bed and she has a travel cot for my son, all his toys and even baby proofed the whole house. We haven't been there due to Covid but I feel my mum loves me and DS so much that she keeps her house that way because when we visit, she wants us to feel loved and wants my dh to be comfortable. I mean she can covert my old bedroom into something else but she doesn't.

On the other hand, my mil abroad has a massive house where my husband and bil has contributed to a lot and still no spare bedroom for any guests which include children, grandchildren and Dil's and expects us to go and stay there and sleep on velvet sofas in a hot country and gets pissed off when we book hotels. She has 3 living rooms ffs. This is why I don't stay overnight there because I don't feel welcomed.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 18/04/2021 07:59

[quote excelledyourself]@TrustTheGeneGenie

Excuse me??

It was you who stated as fact that they will wake each other continuously.

I just pointed out that it can work.

Save your sarcasm for where it's warranted.

[/quote]
Yeah it can work, but presumably op knows her own children better than you do.

transsloth · 18/04/2021 08:56

Why not use the bedrooms slightly differently. Have two of the children share and keep the other room as a playroom with a bed in it for guests.

That way he gets privacy when visiting, the smaller children don't need to change their routine and in a year or two you can adjust.

SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3 · 18/04/2021 11:11

There's a couple of suggestions on the thread of compromises that could allow DSS to feel he has a place in the family home. Like all of OPs DC having a room but 2 sharing on the 4 nights DSS is there. Which honestly doesn't seem a big ask. Or 2 DC sharing and having a playroom/guestroom where DSS can stay. Or putting a caravan or small prefab room in the backyard. I thought initially OP was posting for ideas because she was worried DSS wouldn't want to come. But given she's shown zero interest in a compromise, even one that just means the DC that live there full time share 4 nights a month, it seems her only concern is her DH feelings. DSS is expected to accept this like an adult and be fine about not having his own space in his father's family home. After all he'd probably not be wanting to go soon, even though he's shown no sign of wanting to stop EOW. Being pushed out is very different to him choosing not to stay. Maybe he genuinely doesn't care. I think it's asking a lot of a 17 year old not to feel hurt and excluded by this.

Notcrackersyet · 18/04/2021 11:29

Hi OP
Your little ones are so young that, in your shoes, I’d put them together for a year or two and keep a room for DSS /visitors. Little ones don’t need their own space and it ensures your DSS feels welcome and part of the family through the move.

excelledyourself · 18/04/2021 13:06

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Well, yes, OP knows everyone in her situation better than any of us, including you, but she still asked strangers for their input.

And nowhere has OP said how well the kids do or don't sleep, despite the suggestion of sharing being made numerous times.

TryingToBeLogical · 18/04/2021 23:03

Presumably people post on here because they want to hear others’ perspectives. I went to EOW visits with my father as a teen after his girlfriend and her 3 kids moved in with him. In my case I was that hated thing, a "NR” “step-kid” with my own room when two of his girlfriends’ sons shared a room. My father had had a previous marriage with a woman who was very cruel to me and awful to him as well (they divorced after 6 mos.) and I can see how he felt “never again!” and took this step in the later relationship to ensure I felt welcome at all times. I’m in my 50s now and of all my dad’s flaws and shortcomings, I still remember and value how emphatic he was in telling me that I was always welcome at his house and had a permanent place.

That being said, for myself personally, I probably would have been OK if I hadn’t had my own room. What counted was the sense that I had a permanent place with my dad and wasn’t a temporary inconvenience to be shoved into the new arrangements. Myself personally, I would probably have felt just as welcome if my dad had made up a comfortable place on the sofa for me before I came, a screen or curtains for privacy, a little of my own space for my own things in dedicated drawers and a clear sense that - when I was visiting - that set-aside area was always mine. With an expectation that I wasn’t an unwanted guest, but welcomed, and everyone treated “my” space with respect in the way I treated his girlfriends’ kids rooms with respect as theirs.

The stepson expressed interest in the new property (as he should - it’s half his father’s, after all). Surely there is some pleasant, not second-rate space that can be made for him, and if not a room, some bathroom drawers and bookshelves/cupboards so he will have some permanent space? Permanent, dedicated space is important, to provide privacy, continuity, indiviuality, security for possessions, AND as a symbol that a person belongs. Unless the OP is trying to purge the new property of his existence, setting aside some smaller, pleasant, welcoming space for him and making an effort to reassure him he is still equally welcome as before, shouildn’t be too difficult?

Kids - even when they get on well with parents - always have more thoughts and fears than they let on. As the move happens, and it’s an obvious downsize, it is a good time to reassure the stepson through behaviour and words that he’s equally welcome and at home as before. Althouhgh you shouldn’t assume he will feel displaced, you shouldn’t assume he won’t. Extra kind words and small gestures cost nothing and may make the difference for keeping his interest in his father’s life high.

In this board, people tend to discount comments that don’t address the tiny precise sliver of question that was asked. But whether the stepson wants to still stay over or not may not have a digital answer, or may change. So the bigger picture matters.

I would also add, coming from a culture that values hospitality, that I feel equally responsible for making anyone who stays at my house feel welcome - whether it’s my relatives or my husband’s. Although that doesn’t mean I do all the work when people stay over, it does mean that I don’t remove myself from the obligation to make people feel at home simply because they aren’t my blood relations.

ShowUsTheMeaningOfHaste · 19/04/2021 12:51

Why on earth should two children there every day share a bedroom so that one can sit empty for the majority of the time.

He's 17, I'd try and make it as homely as I could in th circumstances but the likelihood is scheduled contact will drop off at some point in the near future anyway. At this age I was picking and choosing when I went to stay with my Mum (Dad was RP). When my Mum moved house when I was 18, I didn't have my own room there, I wasn't a small child though, it really didn't bother me. I just slept on the sofa if I wanted to stay 🤷 sometimes I didn't actually stay over night for weeks because I was going out with friends and things at weekends instead by that age.

Thirtyrock39 · 19/04/2021 15:38

I would also add that until my oldest was a teenager she was hardly ever in her bedroom but now is never out of it- so the younger kids really do only need a room to sleep in so if rooms are a decent size there is no massive issue with resident kids sharing and keeping a bedroom for stepson for the time being - you could still use this room for the family eg a study when stepson not there and have a set of drawers in there for storage of younger kids stuff - bedroom space for under 10s is often more about storage than a room they spend loads of time in whereas a teenager will want their own space

ihavenowords30 · 19/04/2021 18:44

@Thirtyrock39 I completely agree my 3 year old is never in a room really so that's why I left the two older SS have total use when they are here as they are in it 24/7 I'm very much hoping that by the time out child wants to spend time upstairs alone they will be older and staying only occasionally so that room can be his alone for the most part ( they are 14 & 18) now

user1487194234 · 19/04/2021 19:16

I think that is a terrible thing to do

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