Can you see it happening?

[Mollyandme2020]

My myself, my husband and our 3 children aged 1, 3 and 6 currently live in a 6 bedroom house so plenty of space.
Husbands son age 17 stays every other weekend.
We are moving house at the end of June to a 4 bed barn conversation. Which means each one of our children will have a room of their own and so will me and my husband.
The only place his son can now sleep at our new house is by putting a pop up bed in the dining room. He doesn’t have any of his own possessions at ours he just comes as he is and leaves as he is.
Can you see him wanting to do this??
My husband thinks that’s what will happen but I honestly can’t see why he would want to stay once we move.
I would have thought he’d be more likely to just visit for the day especially as he is now 17.
What are your thoughts?

Surely the issue of whether he still comes or not, and if not, whether it is because of the sleeping arrangement is not the fundamental issue.

What is is how his dad I tends to still have a close relationship with his son. If dad thinks that he will still come and contact will be that way, then he might indeed be disappointed. What will he do then?
.
Decided that his son doesn't need him any longer and not be bothered? Or will he make efforts to go and see him, stay in Manchester, go in weekends ogether etc...because it's quite unlike that he would bother to make a 3h journey for just one day to come to you.

I've seen a number of kids, often boys who lose all contact with their father at that age because dad expect them to keep coming and mixing with a family with younger kids, and when they don't, dad takes it that his work is over and can't be bothered to make much efforts for his eldest.

Hopefully it won't be the case here.

@KurtWilde

No *@TrustTheGeneGenie* I haven't, I've read OPs posts carefully and it's clear to the majority of us what's being said. Just because you don't like it doesn't make it any less true.

You read this bit right: *All I was trying to get at was my husband seems to think that he’ll still be staying every other weekend but I can’t see it happening now that he won’t have his own room and as a 17 going on 18 young lad. If anyone else has someone similar that age? Plus his mum lives in the centre of Manchester right where all his friends live and ours is an hour and a half away in an extremely rural little village* I just don’t want his dad to feel hurt but I’m being realistic I think!

And this bit: He’s nearly 18, he’s always welcome. I was just seeing if someone else had any experiences of a 17-18 year old not wanting to stay anymore

But still your narrative of 'reading between the lines' makes it clear that you're right about her intentions?

Even though there are people like me who actually have older step children who have seen this exact situation play out where they do have their own space and still the older kid spends more time in their resident parents home because that's what they want to do because of proximity to friends etc.?

I think he should have his own room until he has well and truly left home. That won't be for long. I also think that it is nice for children to share rooms so I would not see that as a negative at all for under11 year olds.

@JackieTheFart as I mentioned earlier if you'd read all my posts, I DO have older stepchildren and they carried on staying EOW until they left for uni.

If it was me, if put the two young ones in together because it's nice for them to share and helps them bond. My two (4 and 1) share and don't wake each other up. Other room is used for DSS when he visits, in between as play room or office so it's used.

If he's 17, he'll want to loll in bed a bit, not get up and clear his bed away when shall siblings wake at crack of dawn.

He might not say so, but I think not having his own space on your home will make him feel less a part of your family.

He's 17 not 7. Why are you asking randoms on mumsnet instead of him?

Also @JackieTheFart he has been consistently staying EOW it's not like its hit or miss. OP has said they won't put their lives on hold for him for the sake of him being there EOW, and that he might not want to do it for much longer. That's a pretty clear statement of his place in their home isn't it?

Many posters have suggested two of the younger ones share while he's there, but the fact is this is already a done deal.

So why ask MN? Where our opinions are just that and mostly irrelevant. Why haven't they had a conversation with him about what they'll do going forward?

He might say yeah a sofa bed is fine, or he might say he'll stop staying over. But until they actually talk to him and involve him in it, it's pointless us trying to predict his response.

@Jocasta2018
Thank you @TrustTheGeneGenie and @DinoHat not once have I said any of this is financial. He can totally afford paying £400 for him a month, I was just pointing out that he hasn't been one of these fathers that hasn’t been around or not paid because he’s been there 100% since day one.
My husband has mentioned to him about getting a pop up bed for the dining room and as young lads do, just said yeah fine and carried on playing on the Xbox.
However I am being realistic just thinking is he actually going to want to stay when he has all his friends, other family, possessions, things to do at his mums house or close by.
Course he once had a house full of toys but over the years kids have less/different toys and gradually he’s taken stuff home so he can play with it more than 4 days a month. He now has nothing at ours but brings change of clothes.

My husband has mentioned to him about getting a pop up bed for the dining room and as young lads do, just said yeah fine and carried on playing on the Xbox.

It sounds like it's less of a drama for him than it is for a lot of people on here. I would get a sofa bed rather than a pop up but in terms of whether he will want to stay or not, I would just wait and see. I'm sure you'll all be fine either way, your DH must be expecting him to fly the nest somewhat soon.

Think this is a classic example of step-mum's getting a kicking on MN. I think some of the replies have been really vile.

Reading all OP's updates it sounds like her OH thinks EOW will keep on as is and she's worried he's wrong.

OP I think he might start coming less regularly, especially as all his mates are in Manchester and you're a long way away. BUT I think if he's close to his dad he might start coming for longer chunks when he does come. Which may well last into adulthood. So maybe a week in Christmas break. A week in the summer and so on. He's also at an age where he might want to bring girl/boyfriends back.

You might also want to consider that if he goes to Uni then Manchester may well end up not being where his mates live. So the pull of his mum's decreases and he spends more time with you.

For those reasons I think the dining room situation won't work well due to 1) comfort and 2) privacy. And so his contact might deteriorate quicker and faster, which I presume would upset you and DH.

Someone suggested a garden annexe type situation which would work brilliantly if you can afford it.

Alternatively you could turn the dining room into a permanent guest room which is "his" but doubles up for other guests. Or a bedroom / office that again is his but can be used when he's not there.

Alternatively - as PP's have suggested if you're dead set on the youngest having their own rooms generally then you could just move them to share when he comes to stay (this might be tricky with bed sizes tho).

I do agree with several upthread who've said littl'uns like to share, so I do think putting your youngest together for the next five years or so is a good option.

Then the other bedroom can be his / guest generally which will help if friends and family come. Can be re-evaluated when they're seven / eight and he's through uni and an adult etc.

As a step mum and a step child, I can confirm my DSC were still very much interested I. visiting for overnights at that age, and I still visited overnight at my second home at that age too.

I visited overnights until my mid 20s. What about during College and Uni holidays?

I'd be very upset if my step parents only offered me a blow up mattress n the dining room...!

Well I'm glad he has said it's fine, but it doesn't feel all that fine when you think about it. He seems like a young 17 - still spending most of his time gaming on the x-box and sticking to set EOW arrangements rather than seeing his pals. Sounds like he wants to spend time with his DF.

Surely the kind thing to do is what many have suggested and have the young DCs share a room whilst he's there and facilitate that by getting a trundle bed? Handy to have anyway unless you're never expecting any other visitors. The DSS may prefer the airbed but its good to have options.

@KurtWilde and my stepson didn't? so maybe different strokes for different folks and you can't make assumptions based totally on your experiences and ignore what OP is actually saying?

That's a pretty clear statement of his place in their home isn't it?

You just cannot put this on an EOW stepchild. You can't. People move house and make their kids share when they didn't before because it suits them better. They make all sorts of choices that are best for them as a family, he is included in the family, but he is there for 4 days out of every 28 so you simply have to take the emotion out and say on balance, option 1 works best for 5 out of 6 people in the family for whatever reason. And they have had a conversation with him, this post was about how OP is worried her husband is being a little unrealistic?

@Violetlavenders

As a step mum and a step child, I can confirm my DSC were still very much interested I. visiting for overnights at that age, and I still visited overnight at my second home at that age too.

I visited overnights until my mid 20s. What about during College and Uni holidays?

I'd be very upset if my step parents only offered me a blow up mattress n the dining room...!

I still go home to visit my parents but they're allowed to downsize . At what point are they allowed to put what they want first rather than putting your regular and possibly not often visits?

Anyway, I think it's clear I don't think OP is unreasonable thinking about her husband as well as her stepson and other children, but I'm going to bow out now.

All this judgement. I'm glad you're not letting it get to you, OP.

I think you're right that at his age he's likely to start visiting less, and if he doesn't leave stuff at yours it seems crazy for a room to be left standing empty most of the time while your younger kids share. I agree that a sofa bed in the room where he will be sleeping is a good compromise.

Makes me sad the knee-jerk responses so many people jump to - and not even on AIBU but on the stepparenting board, where there should be better understanding of the issues. Some people are too willing to see things that aren't there imo, maybe based on bad experiences they or their own kids have had, but that doesn't justify the knee-jerk assumptions that stepparents always have some cruel agenda to make their DSC less welcome in their home. If I were the OP I'd be feeling pretty insulted by some of these responses.

My exH moved in with new partner and her 2DC (same aged as out younger two DC) all are older teenagers/young adults. My DC have not spent one night with their father since he left as he has never bothered to make it a priority that they have a designated room to stay in. It’s completely shit for them and has massively impacted their relationship with their father. They rarely see him. Don’t be that family if you can avoid it.

My husband has mentioned to him about getting a pop up bed for the dining room and as young lads do, just said yeah fine and carried on playing on the Xbox.

What could he have said when it was already a done deal. He didn't speak to him before embarking on the project, so your SS probably thought, when the time comes along, we'll see.

Unless they have a good father/son relationship and common interest, the chances of him even coming for the day, never mind the night are slim.

I mentioned earlier my nephew is 20 and still goes over, but him and his younger brother (18) have a good relationship and they do a couple of shared interests they do together, so they look forward to their time together.

If those things aren't a feature on your SS and DH relationship, then he's going stay I'm Manchester where the life is, not the renovated barn. Of he's close your kids, he may well still pop over to see them, but in regards to the sleeping over...who knows. Only time will tell.

What strikes me, is that you've obviously given this a lot of thought and your DH. just tells his son he'll be on a pop up bed in passing.

@sadpapercourtesan

I'd put the two toddlers in together and free up a room for your husband's teenage son.

But you're not going to do that, are you.

How incredibly rude.

@Violetlavenders

As a step mum and a step child, I can confirm my DSC were still very much interested I. visiting for overnights at that age, and I still visited overnight at my second home at that age too.

I visited overnights until my mid 20s. What about during College and Uni holidays?

I'd be very upset if my step parents only offered me a blow up mattress n the dining room...!

I'm a step child and I had a full time job at 16 of course I didn't go stay at my dad's eow! I had better things to do. So do most teenagers.

@thatsgotit plenty of posters on here have oodles of experience. Both as parents and as step parents. This is one of the first threads where I actually think it’s out of order.

When a very simply compromise is that on the weekends he stays, the younger ones go in a room together. What’s the issue with that?
If he stops coming then nothing changes. But if he does, worst case is the two youngest have to share.

I don’t blame the OP here. I blame the father. There is no way I’d be saying to my kid, sorry no bedroom anymore, the others have them but you don’t. The others would share and everyone would have a ‘bedroom’ vs a pop up bed in a dining room.

I agree with you OP that he will probably start coming round less as he gets older and does more exciting things with his life.

My husband has mentioned to him about getting a pop up bed for the dining room and as young lads do, just said yeah fine and carried on playing on the Xbox. I think he needs to have a one on one conversation with him again, away from the xbox and ask if he is happy with that option or give him another option. If he isn't being told there's another option he won't say the pop up bed is fine. It sounds like he just resigned to the fact there won't be a room for him.

I agree with you OP that he will probably start coming round less as he gets older and does more exciting things with his life.

Possibly. But best to wait until it happens naturally rather than making him feel unwelcome and forcing it to happen before he’s ready.

Yes I agree with that too and said that previously when I said I think starting off with a room and the two youngest sharing would be best.

But then OP said there wasn't another option.