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Original poster

Can you see it happening?

204 replies

Mollyandme2020 · 16/04/2021 19:46

My myself, my husband and our 3 children aged 1, 3 and 6 currently live in a 6 bedroom house so plenty of space.
Husbands son age 17 stays every other weekend.
We are moving house at the end of June to a 4 bed barn conversation. Which means each one of our children will have a room of their own and so will me and my husband.
The only place his son can now sleep at our new house is by putting a pop up bed in the dining room. He doesn’t have any of his own possessions at ours he just comes as he is and leaves as he is.
Can you see him wanting to do this??
My husband thinks that’s what will happen but I honestly can’t see why he would want to stay once we move.
I would have thought he’d be more likely to just visit for the day especially as he is now 17.
What are your thoughts?

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TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 11:48

[quote KurtWilde]@TrustTheGeneGenie how are they bias? OP has said do we think he'll want to stay over with the provision they're suggesting, most of us have said no because it's a clear message that he doesn't fit the dynamic anymore and she said herself they won't put their lives on hold for him. That's a pretty shit state of affairs for a 17yo to be faced with.

And my point stands that if he's aware of the house, why has OP come to ask strangers what they think instead of her DH having a proper conversation with his son? [/quote]
Because you've created your own narrative haven't you

nitsandwormsdodger · 17/04/2021 11:52

Can you put a bed in one of the larger Childrens rooms and somehow make that corner his

Defo need to make him feel special and wanted first visit to new home he may have assumed one room was his, can he decorate it?

frumpety · 17/04/2021 11:53

Just to add there are a few companies who do self build shepherd hut kits , which can work out a bit cheaper, if you are handy with a hammer.

LaceyBetty · 17/04/2021 11:57

@TrustTheGeneGenie what is wrong sign Kurt's narrative? It is exactly the situation. The OP is not looking for suggestions as to how to ensure the boy wants to stay. The dining room is a fair accompli as per posts. Posters are saying the set up is making it likely he won't want to stay, which is exactly what the OP is expecting.

LaceyBetty · 17/04/2021 11:58

*fait accompli

TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 12:01

[quote LaceyBetty]@TrustTheGeneGenie what is wrong sign Kurt's narrative? It is exactly the situation. The OP is not looking for suggestions as to how to ensure the boy wants to stay. The dining room is a fair accompli as per posts. Posters are saying the set up is making it likely he won't want to stay, which is exactly what the OP is expecting. [/quote]
Making it is what the op wants is what is wrong. That's what you're both doing.

KurtWilde · 17/04/2021 12:06

No @TrustTheGeneGenie I haven't, I've read OPs posts carefully and it's clear to the majority of us what's being said. Just because you don't like it doesn't make it any less true.

Rightthen24 · 17/04/2021 12:10

At 17 nearly 18 years old I doubt he will be staying over. I would imagine at that age you can have a mature chat with him about it so he doesnt feel pushed out or disregarded.

BusyLizzie61 · 17/04/2021 12:11

[quote Mollyandme2020]@pizzaobsessed
I’m not infuriated at all. I just find it laughable how some people are so angry.
We are 100% not in the wrong so I’m not bothered if someone says ‘he has a shit father’ as I know the truth.
He’s nearly 18, he’s always welcome. I was just seeing if someone else had any experiences of a 17-18 year old not wanting to stay anymore.
We are not putting our life on hold for one of the children who may only want to still come for the next 6 months because of his age and wanting to see his mates etc 🤷🏼‍♀️
He’ll always do things with us but I (not his dad) cannot see him wanting to stay![/quote]
If he was going to stop visiting in 5 months then I don't see why you couldn't have paused for 6 months.

Givne your attitude towards your 3 children and them taking priority, its obvious that you wouldn't downsize when they're 17 expecting they don't need to be able to have a home there too.

MN seems to be full of shit stepparents who think that once the step child is 16 to 18 they are effectively erased and don't even pretend that the sc has a home with the NRP.

LaceyBetty · 17/04/2021 12:19

@TrustTheGeneGenie the OP (and her DH) are putting together a situation where she fully expects the boy not to want to sleep over anymore. She's telling us what they are doing. If she wanted him to continue to sleep over, she would actively want to put in place a situation conducive him wanting to sleep over. That is the narrative. She knows full well he probably won't want to sell over anymore given the set up and she is perfectly fine with that.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 12:23

@KurtWilde

No *@TrustTheGeneGenie* I haven't, I've read OPs posts carefully and it's clear to the majority of us what's being said. Just because you don't like it doesn't make it any less true.
Ok if that's what you think. I mean of course you know op better than she knows herself Hmm
TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 12:23

[quote LaceyBetty]@TrustTheGeneGenie the OP (and her DH) are putting together a situation where she fully expects the boy not to want to sleep over anymore. She's telling us what they are doing. If she wanted him to continue to sleep over, she would actively want to put in place a situation conducive him wanting to sleep over. That is the narrative. She knows full well he probably won't want to sell over anymore given the set up and she is perfectly fine with that. [/quote]
Ah right, I guess you know op personally and she's advised you of that, not that you've just assumed all that yourself based on him not having a bedroom.

LaceyBetty · 17/04/2021 12:25

It's in the OP!!!!

She said she doesn't expect him to want to come anymore, but her DH thinks he will.

LaceyBetty · 17/04/2021 12:26

My husband thinks that’s what will happen but I honestly can’t see why he would want to stay once we move.

Here @TrustTheGeneGenie I found the exact words for you.

ElderMillennial · 17/04/2021 12:31

OP Mumsnet can be harsh to stepmothers but you seem to have a bit of an attitude with the posters who are not agreeing with you.

We had a similar situation as DH has a teenage DC who also lives in a different city so he stopped staying over when he was around 15-16 so your DSS may well not want to stay over but if his dad wants him to then he should be making space for him in the home. Why are you downsizing two bedrooms if it means nowhere for him to sleep? I can understand you not wanting your two to share permanently but perhaps for the weekend your DSS is there, two of yours could share so he can have a bedroom? A boy of that age doesn't want to be sleeping in the dining roomz

Soontobe60 · 17/04/2021 12:33

[quote Mollyandme2020]@pizzaobsessed
I’m not infuriated at all. I just find it laughable how some people are so angry.
We are 100% not in the wrong so I’m not bothered if someone says ‘he has a shit father’ as I know the truth.
He’s nearly 18, he’s always welcome. I was just seeing if someone else had any experiences of a 17-18 year old not wanting to stay anymore.
We are not putting our life on hold for one of the children who may only want to still come for the next 6 months because of his age and wanting to see his mates etc 🤷🏼‍♀️
He’ll always do things with us but I (not his dad) cannot see him wanting to stay![/quote]
It’s not that he’s got a ‘shit father’, its more like he has a ‘shit stepmother’. You’re saying he’s always welcome, and yet are making it clear that actually he’s only welcome as a guest, not as a member of the family. So no, you’re right in that he most likely won’t want to stay on a put up bed in the dining room.
As it’s a barn conversion, that you’re renovating, you may have enough land to get a small caravan and make that into his bedroom for when he cones to stay, where he could maybe have friends to stay over or even a girl / boyfriend! That way, he doesn't feel like he’s intruding, he has his own space and it wont cost you lots.

LaceyBetty · 17/04/2021 12:33

Funny thing is, a lot of posters ARE agreeing with her. Agreeing that he won't want to stay with that arrangement. That's what she thinks will happen and probably will.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 12:36

@LaceyBetty

My husband thinks that’s what will happen but I honestly can’t see why he would want to stay once we move.

Here @TrustTheGeneGenie I found the exact words for you.

Yes I know, but she doesn't say she doesn't want him to which is what you think she wants.
LaceyBetty · 17/04/2021 12:38

I'm just saying that if she wanted him to stay, she wouldn't be putting in place a situation where she expects he won't want to. Her DH needs to put his foot down, but,then again, he seems to think he'll still want to stay, not maybe it's all moot.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 17/04/2021 12:39

Don't you see that you're forcing his hand if you do this? Have you actually discussed it with him? Why don't the three of you sit down together abs be really honest. Ask him how long he sees himself going backwards and forwards and then propose these options:

  1. He can have a sofa bed in the dining room and will be happy with that. He's not sure if he'll miss some weekends but he'd be ok with that.

  2. Sofa bed in the youngest's room and then the littlest goes in with the 3yr old when he visits. Your DSS thinks he'll come just as much.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 12:39

@LaceyBetty

I'm just saying that if she wanted him to stay, she wouldn't be putting in place a situation where she expects he won't want to. Her DH needs to put his foot down, but,then again, he seems to think he'll still want to stay, not maybe it's all moot.
Well that's your opinion but you don't know that, you've assumed.
HalzTangz · 17/04/2021 12:41

Couldn't two kids share a room on the nights he is over and have a room each the rest of the time.
Could an attic be converted to a room for him, or change the dining room into a bedroom

DinoHat · 17/04/2021 12:42

I agree that he likely won’t want to stay much longer in any event, irrespective of the room situ, not because of the room situ, owing to his age.

SpaceshiptoMars · 17/04/2021 12:45

MN seems to be full of shit stepparents who think that once the step child is 16 to 18 they are effectively erased and don't even pretend that the sc has a home with the NRP.

Haven't seen that many - more tend to the other extreme (one of my DSCs was living with us full-time until 30). However MN is very biased towards the Home Counties attitudes, where people expect to still be alive and active at 90.
Move further out and further north, and life expectancy is lower. If you don't expect to live much beyond 60, then childhood ends sooner.

Shepherd's hut kit sounds like a terrific plan, though. Make him and his girlfriend welcome, and then you will see the grandchildren too.

FranklinTennessee · 17/04/2021 12:47

When he stays, just put 2 of your kids in together for a couple of nights so he has a room. No need to make an issue out of this. I’m not sure why you think he won’t want to stay anymore at 17.