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Original poster

Can you see it happening?

204 replies

Mollyandme2020 · 16/04/2021 19:46

My myself, my husband and our 3 children aged 1, 3 and 6 currently live in a 6 bedroom house so plenty of space.
Husbands son age 17 stays every other weekend.
We are moving house at the end of June to a 4 bed barn conversation. Which means each one of our children will have a room of their own and so will me and my husband.
The only place his son can now sleep at our new house is by putting a pop up bed in the dining room. He doesn’t have any of his own possessions at ours he just comes as he is and leaves as he is.
Can you see him wanting to do this??
My husband thinks that’s what will happen but I honestly can’t see why he would want to stay once we move.
I would have thought he’d be more likely to just visit for the day especially as he is now 17.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
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KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 07:44

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I wouldn't make two children share a room so that someone could sleep it it once every two weeks.

I'm surprised a 17 year old is staying eow at all to be honest.

I wouldn't long term but I think for the transition so next 2-3 years I would. If 17 year old indicated they wanted to carry on staying overnight regularly. Once 17 year old has their own flatshare etc or goes to uni I'd look at giving the toddlers their own room. If 17 year old doesn't bring many possessions then the toddlers can always play in the room in the day.
HollowTalk · 17/04/2021 07:47

What a shit dad that boy has.

Original poster
Mollyandme2020 · 17/04/2021 07:49

😂
Thanks for the useless reply

OP posts:
KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 07:52

Ah I was going to ask if you lived in a place with more to do than mum's as you might have found him wanting to stay over more.

I think just ask the 17 year old. PP made a good suggestion of getting a pullout bed for one of your children in another's room if possible. So that when 17 year old visits he can have a room to himself. You don't want a drunk young adult sleeping in the dining room they need peace for their hangovers!

Amanda87 · 17/04/2021 07:53

Why do a 1 and 3 year old need their own bedrooms again????
This doesn't sound right!

DinoHat · 17/04/2021 07:54

OP I agree - lm surprised he’s still coming but it’s nice that he is and is testament to his and his fathers (and no doubt by extension yours and his) relationship.

DinoHat · 17/04/2021 07:54

@Amanda87

Why do a 1 and 3 year old need their own bedrooms again???? This doesn't sound right!
1 year olds still wake in the night a lot - 3 year olds less so. Seems sensible to me whilst they’re going through different development stages.
dontdisturbmenow · 17/04/2021 08:04

he’s seen the new house and paid lots of interest in it
And yet there have been no discussion at all about how this will affect him? No mention at all as to where he'll be staying when he comes?

When is he going to be told that he gets to camp in the dining room if he really still has to come.

The reality is that teenagers still come home to see their dad and step fsmies when they feel welcome. They indeed don't when they aren't but the biggest blow might be when he sounds out there is no place for him despite having shown much interest in the property.

pizzaobsessed · 17/04/2021 08:06

@Mollyandme2020

Jesus some of these replies are a bit laughable.....

My husband fought through the courts when he was 4 years old to make sure he has regular contact and has ever since, they are extremely close and get on extremely well, he’s paid £400 a month to his mother for the past 13 years as child support.
His son is 17 and will be 18 in August this year, he’s seen the new house and paid lots of interest in it. It’s an hour and a half from his mothers house. Husband has always done all the driving back and forth she never has.
We are moving to renovate a barn conversion as a big project for a different lifestyle.
Sorry but why should our very young children who will be there 24/7 have to share bedrooms to leave one spare for a 2 night visit every other weekend?! I don’t think so.
I said the ‘dining room’ because that is the only spare room a pop up bed could go in but by all means it could be a sofa bed yes.
He hasn’t got any personal belongings at ours but he never really has- he takes things home and brings things with him.
All I was trying to get at was my husband seems to think that he’ll still be staying every other weekend but I can’t see it happening now that he won’t have his own room and as a 17 going on 18 young lad. If anyone else has someone similar that age?
Plus his mum lives in the centre of Manchester right where all his friends live and ours is an hour and a half away in an extremely rural little village.
I just don’t want his dad to feel hurt but I’m being realistic I think!

Why did you bother asking us then, if you're so infuriated by our replies and think you're justified in your plans?
Original poster
Mollyandme2020 · 17/04/2021 08:23

@pizzaobsessed
I’m not infuriated at all. I just find it laughable how some people are so angry.
We are 100% not in the wrong so I’m not bothered if someone says ‘he has a shit father’ as I know the truth.
He’s nearly 18, he’s always welcome. I was just seeing if someone else had any experiences of a 17-18 year old not wanting to stay anymore.
We are not putting our life on hold for one of the children who may only want to still come for the next 6 months because of his age and wanting to see his mates etc 🤷🏼‍♀️
He’ll always do things with us but I (not his dad) cannot see him wanting to stay!

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 17/04/2021 08:28

Well you know you're right so crack on. I think you're making it clear he's not welcome and are wrong but hey ho.

Itlod1982 · 17/04/2021 08:30

[quote Mollyandme2020]@pizzaobsessed
I’m not infuriated at all. I just find it laughable how some people are so angry.
We are 100% not in the wrong so I’m not bothered if someone says ‘he has a shit father’ as I know the truth.
He’s nearly 18, he’s always welcome. I was just seeing if someone else had any experiences of a 17-18 year old not wanting to stay anymore.
We are not putting our life on hold for one of the children who may only want to still come for the next 6 months because of his age and wanting to see his mates etc 🤷🏼‍♀️
He’ll always do things with us but I (not his dad) cannot see him wanting to stay![/quote]
So why did you ask?

THisbackwithavengeance · 17/04/2021 08:39

I'm not seeing an issue here.

Ask him what he prefers?

Personally I would set up a sofa bed in one of the kids' rooms. Your DSS sleeps on that when he's there and the kid comes in with you or with a younger

He's 17 and only comes EOW. He'll be fine.

LaceyBetty · 17/04/2021 08:43

This makes me so sad. I was a stepchild and I was absolutely still going to my dad's EOW weekend at 17. The only thing that would have made me stop is if my dad and stepmum had made me feel as unwelcome as you are going to make your stepson feel by not giving him so much as a real bed in your cosy new house/life. But you are 100% in the right as you say, so ... Confused

rookiemere · 17/04/2021 08:44

Why can't his own DF just discuss it with him?

Sure visits may dwindle naturally at that age, but there's a difference between that and them coming to an abrupt end because the only place for him to sleep - at an age where privacy is important- is an airbed in the dining room.

His DF should talk to him and see what he thinks/wants. I don't think a DC there all the time should sacrifice their bedroom, but yes maybe one of them could bunk up on the airbed in their siblings room for his visits.

WildfirePonie · 17/04/2021 09:00

Insulated garden shed if you have the space.
He might like to stay over then. Ask him?

KurtWilde · 17/04/2021 09:00

So if you're 100% not in the wrong, what was the point of posting? As a step mum and a step child, I can confirm my DSC were still very much interested I. visiting for overnights at that age, and I still visited overnight at my second home at that age too.

You wanted experience on the subject? There it is from both angles. But it doesn't matter does it, because you've already made up your mind. If you can't see yourself giving him a bedroom for the next year or two til he's an adult (because 17 really isn't an adult!) then at least give the lad a sofa bed ffs.

sunshinesky · 17/04/2021 09:00

Molly, you're absolutely right, he won't want to stay. He's been given the message loud and clear that's he's unwelcome.

I hope he has a lovely mum who is kinder to him.

Itlod1982 · 17/04/2021 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itlod1982 · 17/04/2021 09:08

My post below was meant for a different thread. I've asked for it to be deleted

RandomMess · 17/04/2021 09:10

I think it does naturally wane at turning 18, what are his plans - uni/work?

It would probably make sense if your DH/you all sometimes travel up to him for a day put together/meal etc.

I find it bizarre when adult DC still want to stick rigidly to an EOW contact schedule especially if it's away from all their mates, stuff etc.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 17/04/2021 09:33

Could you buy a bed with a trundle for one of the littlest's rooms? They can share for the night the 17yo stays, they'd love it while they're little and by the time they really want their own space you SDS will be in his 20's.

Or if the dining room a stand alone room couldn't you set it up as a guest room or do you need a table in there?

RandomMess · 17/04/2021 09:44

Your kids could have a sleep over together when he visits.

What are your plans for other visitors??

TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 09:45

@RandomMess

Your kids could have a sleep over together when he visits.

What are your plans for other visitors??

This really made me laugh. Do you honestly think everyone has a bloody guest room? What a joke 🤣
RandomMess · 17/04/2021 09:48

@TrustTheGeneGenie errr no I don't think people have guest rooms, we don't???

I asked what the op intends to do if other visitors come?? The kids share, to op and DH give up their bed and sleep on a blow? They would put guests on a blow up in the dining room?

Presumably how they would accommodate other guests applies to DSS just as much?

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