Can you see it happening?

[Mollyandme2020]

My myself, my husband and our 3 children aged 1, 3 and 6 currently live in a 6 bedroom house so plenty of space.
Husbands son age 17 stays every other weekend.
We are moving house at the end of June to a 4 bed barn conversation. Which means each one of our children will have a room of their own and so will me and my husband.
The only place his son can now sleep at our new house is by putting a pop up bed in the dining room. He doesn’t have any of his own possessions at ours he just comes as he is and leaves as he is.
Can you see him wanting to do this??
My husband thinks that’s what will happen but I honestly can’t see why he would want to stay once we move.
I would have thought he’d be more likely to just visit for the day especially as he is now 17.
What are your thoughts?

@Almostlegible

If I were your stepson I’d feel pretty unwelcome. Why can’t the two youngest share a room?

A similar thing happened to me. I'm 35 and still cross about it

The thing is, the OP is not asking for suggestions about accommodating the stepson, that ship has sailed and a mattress in the dining room it is. Her question is whether people think he will still want to sleep over under those circumstances. Sounds like OP is hoping to not even need to buy the blow up mattress for him. So sad.

[quote RandomMess]@TrustTheGeneGenie errr no I don't think people have guest rooms, we don't???

I asked what the op intends to do if other visitors come?? The kids share, to op and DH give up their bed and sleep on a blow? They would put guests on a blow up in the dining room?

Presumably how they would accommodate other guests applies to DSS just as much?[/quote]
Many of us simply just do not have guests.

@LaceyBetty

The thing is, the OP is not asking for suggestions about accommodating the stepson, that ship has sailed and a mattress in the dining room it is. Her question is whether people think he will still want to sleep over under those circumstances. Sounds like OP is hoping to not even need to buy the blow up mattress for him. So sad.

That's your very bias interpretation of it.

@TrustTheGeneGenie it is literally exactly what she is asking. Ok, I added the part about hoping he doesn't want to stay, but surely that is a relatively easy interpretation when all he is offered is a pop up bed in the dining room. Who would want to be there EOW under those conditions? She is actually expecting him NOT to want to sleep over anymore. It's in the OP.

@THisbackwithavengeance

I'm not seeing an issue here.

Ask him what he prefers?

Personally I would set up a sofa bed in one of the kids' rooms. Your DSS sleeps on that when he's there and the kid comes in with you or with a younger

He's 17 and only comes EOW. He'll be fine.

Yeah he'll be fine, but he'll also feel second best.

People that haven't ever been step children never ever understand how it feels. Especially with half siblings getting treated differently.

The step child always seems to miss out

And her expectation of him not wanting to sleep over is because of the new sleeping conditions, not because he is older.

[quote LaceyBetty]@TrustTheGeneGenie it is literally exactly what she is asking. Ok, I added the part about hoping he doesn't want to stay, but surely that is a relatively easy interpretation when all he is offered is a pop up bed in the dining room. Who would want to be there EOW under those conditions? She is actually expecting him NOT to want to sleep over anymore. It's in the OP. [/quote]
Yes because it's 17 and frankly it's unusual he is staying. He's not got any possessions there which days to me he's not exactly bothered etc.

I would do what a pp said and have the small kids share eow but I don't personally think he'll stay longer anyway because he'll be off to uni or working in a few months.

What a hero paying £400 / mth - bet your 3 kids cost a lot more each. You both sound like deadbeat parents to me

I bet they don't. Not even close. And his mother is also responsible, so he should cost £800 a month with her contribution. Do you think tiny children cost £800 a month each?!

Get real.

@TrustTheGeneGenie I agree that he will certainly not want to come over as much as he gets older, but the OP is asking whether we think he won't want to anymore because of the sleeping conditions. That is all she mentions in the OP. This family has made the decision that one member of the family won't have a room any longer. My response to the OP is yes, I don't think he will want to sleep over anymore and she doesn't think he will either. Because of the conditions.

Well I do think he needs a room really, however if that ship has sailed then I would make sure that you have a space that would make a comfortable space for him when he is there. So a decent sofa bed, a tv, storage for clothes when he is with you. Also is there space outside for a garden room that could be a playroom/study/ bedroom for all the dc to use? This would give him space and the knowledge that he can stay for as long as he wants, he is after all still only 17.

@Mollyandme2020 posters like you astound me.
I can tell you that a lot of posters replying are not unreasonable on these threads.

Why have you bothered posting if you’re not prepared to take on feedback? You’re clearly just out here to goad people, which is very reflective of who you are clearly.

Any parent who allows a situation whereby their child who visits EOW to have a ‘bed’ in the dining room is shot actually. Especially in the scenario when 3 other children have their own bedrooms.

So many people have responded with the compromise of one bedroom being freed up to be his room when he does visit, with a trundle bed in another room where the two youngest share for the odd night.

This isn’t about how often he may or may not come. It’s about making him know he always can come should he choose. How you don’t get that and find our responses laughable? Well that’s on you.

I stand by what I said. My exh did this, I’d tell him to his face that he’s a dick.

[quote LaceyBetty]@TrustTheGeneGenie I agree that he will certainly not want to come over as much as he gets older, but the OP is asking whether we think he won't want to anymore because of the sleeping conditions. That is all she mentions in the OP. This family has made the decision that one member of the family won't have a room any longer. My response to the OP is yes, I don't think he will want to sleep over anymore and she doesn't think he will either. Because of the conditions. [/quote]
That's fine, but to say that's what she wants with no evidence to support that except your own bias is unfair.

Whenever I stayed at my fathers house, I had a blow up air bed in my little sisters room on the floor, and my mum got £75 a month in child maintenance, (he was employed and on a good wage.) So I would say £400 is a decent amount for a child/teenager a month.

Occasionally I'd sleep on the sofa in my dad's living room, especially as I got older and although my step mum hated me, (and ultimately cut me off from my father when I was 17) I absolutely adored going there EOW, no matter where I slept. My brother and sister had their own rooms and I'd never expect them to share for the sake of me going every other weekend for one or two nights. I was more than happy with the arrangement because at the end of the day I just loved seeing my father. Maybe I was just more of a humble child that didn't care if she slept on the trampoline in the garden, I don't know🤷🏻‍♀️

He's only 17, I think it's important he feels he has a permanent space at your house. Either a sofa bed or a trundle bed in one of the boys' rooms?

@luce2202

Whenever I stayed at my fathers house, I had a blow up air bed in my little sisters room on the floor, and my mum got £75 a month in child maintenance, (he was employed and on a good wage.) So I would say £400 is a decent amount for a child/teenager a month.

Occasionally I'd sleep on the sofa in my dad's living room, especially as I got older and although my step mum hated me, (and ultimately cut me off from my father when I was 17) I absolutely adored going there EOW, no matter where I slept. My brother and sister had their own rooms and I'd never expect them to share for the sake of me going every other weekend for one or two nights. I was more than happy with the arrangement because at the end of the day I just loved seeing my father. Maybe I was just more of a humble child that didn't care if she slept on the trampoline in the garden, I don't know🤷🏻‍♀️

If you had a daughter, would you treat them the same?

Because I would guess at not. And that's all you need to know

@ladsholiday I do have a daughter actually and a stepson, they're both treated equally.
My point is that I didn't care where I slept, I was just happy to see my father.

And there we have a dig at the amount of maintenance - what WOULD be enough? £400 is perfectly adequate to support a 17 year old. If it’s so little consider how the loss of £400 would affect your household, if the answer is, as I expect, significantly then it can’t be such an insignificant amount.

At 17 I had my own job for clothes etc, I’ve no doubt I cost my parents to keep but not near £800 (given he has two parents) in addition to their own overheads and utilities. If kids cost that much I’d be destitute as I’m still paying childcare in addition to the apparent costs a 17 year old would have.

Op asked if in others experience whether a 17 is likely to continue to visit for much longer.

He's been EOW since he was 4, do you honestly think a 4 year old had nothing at his dads house to play with and brought it all with him every time? His dad didn't buy things to keep at his house for him to play with? Best guess he's been gradually shoved out of the dynamic over the years and now he doesn't even bother having things there.

I'd be surprised if he stays EOW now, and not because he doesn't want to. He's basically been very clearly told he's not part of the happy little family his dad has now and they 'won't put their lives on hold' for him until he's at uni or whatever - perhaps 2 years?

If he knows about the house, why has his dad not had a conversation with him about his visits rather than OP asking strangers who'll just give an opinion that at the end of the day is irrelevant?

It's all pretty sad imo, speaking as a step child AND a step parent.

@KurtWilde

He's been EOW since he was 4, do you honestly think a 4 year old had nothing at his dads house to play with and brought it all with him every time? His dad didn't buy things to keep at his house for him to play with? Best guess he's been gradually shoved out of the dynamic over the years and now he doesn't even bother having things there.

I'd be surprised if he stays EOW now, and not because he doesn't want to. He's basically been very clearly told he's not part of the happy little family his dad has now and they 'won't put their lives on hold' for him until he's at uni or whatever - perhaps 2 years?

If he knows about the house, why has his dad not had a conversation with him about his visits rather than OP asking strangers who'll just give an opinion that at the end of the day is irrelevant?

It's all pretty sad imo, speaking as a step child AND a step parent.

Best guess? Yeah course. Nasty baseless dig is what I would call it.

Considering when he was small there were no other children it's obvious things will have been very different.

Why do people think they know so much?

I've been a step child and a step parent too, btw.

What's pretty sad is nasty judgement based on absolutely fuck all.

I think it's fine 🤷‍♀️
My own daughter has a pop up bed when she fancies staying over and my grandkids sleep in the bed with my youngest Charlie bucket style😂 (they are all very close in age with my youngest).
At age 17 I'd have liked to have the downstairs to myself once everyone had gone to bed ( sky tv, fridge ect 😂).
People need to chill .

Op asked if in others experience whether a 17 is likely to continue to visit for much longer.

No she didn't. She asked if, given the new sleeping conditions, would he likely continue to want to sleep over. Big difference.

So in you saying when there were no other children there he had stuff, but when they came along he didn't, isn't that the same as being pushed out of the dynamic?

@KurtWilde

So in you saying when there were no other children there he had stuff, but when they came along he didn't, isn't that the same as being pushed out of the dynamic?

No I'm saying quite obviously things will have been different when he was younger. Things change, children grow up. I don't find it weird a 17 year old not bringing stuff. Why would you when you can then only use it once every 14 days?

You're obviously determined to spin anything anyone says to fit your weird sob story. You don't know this boy. Op does. Weirdly I think she'll have a better idea why he doesn't have stuff there than you do.