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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Can you see it happening?

204 replies

Mollyandme2020 · 16/04/2021 19:46

My myself, my husband and our 3 children aged 1, 3 and 6 currently live in a 6 bedroom house so plenty of space.
Husbands son age 17 stays every other weekend.
We are moving house at the end of June to a 4 bed barn conversation. Which means each one of our children will have a room of their own and so will me and my husband.
The only place his son can now sleep at our new house is by putting a pop up bed in the dining room. He doesn’t have any of his own possessions at ours he just comes as he is and leaves as he is.
Can you see him wanting to do this??
My husband thinks that’s what will happen but I honestly can’t see why he would want to stay once we move.
I would have thought he’d be more likely to just visit for the day especially as he is now 17.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

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Jocasta2018 · 17/04/2021 10:19

So your DH pays £400/month in child support?
They're his children so he should be paying!
If DH has financial problems with that money, especially with his 'new' family then that's tough for him. If he couldn't afford to fund his existing children, he shouldn't have had more children...

TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 10:21

@Jocasta2018

So your DH pays £400/month in child support? They're his children so he should be paying! If DH has financial problems with that money, especially with his 'new' family then that's tough for him. If he couldn't afford to fund his existing children, he shouldn't have had more children...

Where has she said that?

Do you think that's a helpful comment? What exactly did that bring to the discussion?

Or did you just fancy having a little dig?

Did it make you feel better?

I'm sick and fucking tired of comments like these.

DinoHat · 17/04/2021 10:26

@Jocasta2018

So your DH pays £400/month in child support? They're his children so he should be paying! If DH has financial problems with that money, especially with his 'new' family then that's tough for him. If he couldn't afford to fund his existing children, he shouldn't have had more children...

OP has not alluded to her financial state at all.

KurtWilde · 17/04/2021 10:46

Weird sob story?? I don't have a weird sob story! I'm going by what OP has said and I'm not the only poster saying that her stepson is being pushed out.

Thirtyrock39 · 17/04/2021 10:49

I would just keep one of the bedrooms fairly neutral - eg not toddler type wallpaper - and when he stays two of the kids bunk in together but not in an obvious way / keep a couple of drawers free for him to keep things in so he feels part of the family and not just a guest. Also you do need to be prepared that there is always a chance he could suddenly decide at 18 he wants to stay for longer or even full time with you so I'd make sure your new home could accommodate that it needed/ probably unlikely but I wouldn't want to feel like I was sofa surfing at my dads house if I was him. At 17 he could still be living with parents for another 10 years these days.

CatherineMorland · 17/04/2021 10:57

We are not putting our life on hold for one of the children who may only want to still come for the next 6 months because of his age and wanting to see his mates etc

How sad that you consider your DS such a burden.

rookiemere · 17/04/2021 10:59

Maybe another way of looking at it is thinking about what you plan to do if you get any other guests. Will they be expected to bunk up on an air bed in the dining room, or would the young close in age DCs share a room for the time that they're there ?
If guests not in the dining room then DSS should be afforded at least the same respect. A trundle bed is much more comfortable than an air mattress for one of the young DCs and means there is also an arrangement that works for visitors.

Brieminewine · 17/04/2021 11:07

I think it’s fine tbh.

I would put the littlest one in with you on the nights he stays and he can have their bed. At 17 I would think the visits may start to dwindle, as he starts going out, getting a girlfriend etc so it would be silly for a resident child not to have their own bedroom for the sake of a near adult that may or may not come a couple nights a month!

KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 11:07

Ah sorry OP I miss understood your first post.

No I can't see him wanting to stay over if that is the only sleeping arrangement you are offering but best to ask him.

I don't know why maintenance is being dragged into it.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 17/04/2021 11:07

My teens don't leave possessions at their Dad's house because they don't know when they'll want their stuff so it's easier to always have them at mine. They have been happy to pack a bag each time for the last 10 years.

My 17yo doesn't stay at her Dad's much. He works Monday to Friday so can only see them at weekends and she has a part-time job on Saturdays and some Sundays. He only lives about 45 minutes away so could pick her up but on Saturday nights she's only really interested in lying on her bed with her phone because she's been on her feet all day so he'll see her briefly when he drops off her brother.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 11:07

@KurtWilde

Weird sob story?? I don't have a weird sob story! I'm going by what OP has said and I'm not the only poster saying that her stepson is being pushed out.

Based on nothing at all. You've created that he's being "pushed out" in your head.

KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 11:09

Just the same as I would if I downsized when my children were older, I'd ask them.

KoalaOok · 17/04/2021 11:11

@LaceyBetty

The thing is, the OP is not asking for suggestions about accommodating the stepson, that ship has sailed and a mattress in the dining room it is. Her question is whether people think he will still want to sleep over under those circumstances. Sounds like OP is hoping to not even need to buy the blow up mattress for him. So sad.

I misunderstood and thought OP was asking if we thought he would still visit overnight but with a mind to changing arrangements if we thought he wouldnt

KurtWilde · 17/04/2021 11:14

@TrustTheGeneGenie me and the majority of the posters on this thread then.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 17/04/2021 11:15

[quote KurtWilde]@TrustTheGeneGenie me and the majority of the posters on this thread then. [/quote]
Just because there's a lot of nasty bias comments based on nothing at all doesn't make them right.

CupoTeap · 17/04/2021 11:16

No I can't see him wanting to do that.

Whether you agree or not, you are sending a message.

KurtWilde · 17/04/2021 11:21

@TrustTheGeneGenie how are they bias? OP has said do we think he'll want to stay over with the provision they're suggesting, most of us have said no because it's a clear message that he doesn't fit the dynamic anymore and she said herself they won't put their lives on hold for him. That's a pretty shit state of affairs for a 17yo to be faced with.

And my point stands that if he's aware of the house, why has OP come to ask strangers what they think instead of her DH having a proper conversation with his son?

frumpety · 17/04/2021 11:26

When are you moving in OP ? are you waiting until the renovation work is completed ? I can think of another solution which will cost money, but will be a useful thing to have anyway as it sounds as though you have a lack of space for visiting guests, would there be room for a shepherds hut or something along those lines, in the garden ? Or if you don't have the funds for one of those, an old caravan can be made to be a cosy space, bit chilly in Winter though. As DSS gets older he might want to bring someone else with him when he visits, so having a space big enough for two would be ideal.

JackieTheFart · 17/04/2021 11:31

@MeadowHay

You sound terrified at the prospect that he may want to continue staying over at your house sometimes. How sad.

Don't be ridiculous.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 17/04/2021 11:37

@Mollyandme2020

Jesus some of these replies are a bit laughable.....

My husband fought through the courts when he was 4 years old to make sure he has regular contact and has ever since, they are extremely close and get on extremely well, he’s paid £400 a month to his mother for the past 13 years as child support.
His son is 17 and will be 18 in August this year, he’s seen the new house and paid lots of interest in it. It’s an hour and a half from his mothers house. Husband has always done all the driving back and forth she never has.
We are moving to renovate a barn conversion as a big project for a different lifestyle.
Sorry but why should our very young children who will be there 24/7 have to share bedrooms to leave one spare for a 2 night visit every other weekend?! I don’t think so.
I said the ‘dining room’ because that is the only spare room a pop up bed could go in but by all means it could be a sofa bed yes.
He hasn’t got any personal belongings at ours but he never really has- he takes things home and brings things with him.
All I was trying to get at was my husband seems to think that he’ll still be staying every other weekend but I can’t see it happening now that he won’t have his own room and as a 17 going on 18 young lad. If anyone else has someone similar that age?
Plus his mum lives in the centre of Manchester right where all his friends live and ours is an hour and a half away in an extremely rural little village.
I just don’t want his dad to feel hurt but I’m being realistic I think!

You are vile towards his son

LaceyBetty · 17/04/2021 11:39

Sorry but why should our very young children who will be there 24/7 have to share bedrooms to leave one spare for a 2 night visit every other weekend?! I don’t think so.

But surely there are better options that a folding bed in the dining room. I don't care what some posters are saying, this just smacks of you looking forward to him not wanting to come anymore. Maybe not in so many words, but still.

JackieTheFart · 17/04/2021 11:41

Honestly?

I have a stepson who turns 20 soon. Since he was about 16 or so, his visits to us tapered off, he wanted to make plans with his pals, he lives 30 miles from us so not close enough for pick ups and drop offs.

Personally, I think if he wants to keep up the regular visits then it would be nice to have the dining room as 'his room' for that time, or a if the bedrooms are large enough have doubles in this so the littles can double up and he can borrow a proper bed while he's there.

Or, sit down with him and ask him. Show him the floorplans and the ideas you've had and ask him what he thinks, what he would be happy with. It sounds like you know him well enough to know he's probably not going to be that arsed as he doesn't spend much time with you anyway.

This is like those threads about kids moving out to uni - they go to uni, come back every six weeks for the first year and then get a job in their uni town for the hols and parents are still keeping a full on bedroom for them.

JackieTheFart · 17/04/2021 11:42

You are vile towards his son

OMG the absolute outrageous hyperbole!

If you call that vile you'd have a fucking aneurysm at what actually 'vile' behaviour is. Get a grip.

Magda72 · 17/04/2021 11:45

@Mollyandme2020 I think you're being a bit naive in thinking he'll never want to stay. He may not want to stay on a regular basis but there ARE times he will want to stay - Christmas etc.
My 24 & 19 year olds no longer have designated bedrooms at their dads. Their dad now has a designated guest room that they (or other guests) can use when visiting & a camp bed in his office if both are visiting at the same time. I would imagine that when my dd 15 goes to uni her two half siblings will each be given a room (they currently share as there's only a year between them & they're only 4 & 5) & her room will become the spare room for whoever is visiting.
I would suggest you do same or as a pp suggested - get a serviced cabin installed for general guest use.

KatySun · 17/04/2021 11:47

My DD has always had an informal arrangement for seeing her dad. She has never had a room at his and shares with her half-sisters on a pop-up bed. She never stays more than one night at a time though, unless they are going away on holiday and she is going too. She is eighteen and going to university in September and does plan to see her dad’s side of the family when she visits. It won’t be EOW because the arrangement is informal.

I personally don’t see a problem with a sofa bed as long as you make it clear that he is still welcome and make sure the other kids respect his privacy when he is using what is essentially a family room to sleep in. I think it is more important to support him at uni or whatever else he is doing.
The only potential issue is what you would do if he ever did need to come and stay with you for any reason, longer term. My DD’s arrangement at her dad’s would not support that, so in a sense the pressure is all on me to make sure that she has security, if that makes sense. 17/18 is still an age where a parental base is needed.

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