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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Can you see it happening?

204 replies

Mollyandme2020 · 16/04/2021 19:46

My myself, my husband and our 3 children aged 1, 3 and 6 currently live in a 6 bedroom house so plenty of space.
Husbands son age 17 stays every other weekend.
We are moving house at the end of June to a 4 bed barn conversation. Which means each one of our children will have a room of their own and so will me and my husband.
The only place his son can now sleep at our new house is by putting a pop up bed in the dining room. He doesn’t have any of his own possessions at ours he just comes as he is and leaves as he is.
Can you see him wanting to do this??
My husband thinks that’s what will happen but I honestly can’t see why he would want to stay once we move.
I would have thought he’d be more likely to just visit for the day especially as he is now 17.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Almostlegible · 16/04/2021 19:51

If I were your stepson I’d feel pretty unwelcome. Why can’t the two youngest share a room?

RandomMess · 16/04/2021 19:52

Can you not at least get a decent sofa bed/chair for him??

Do you need it as a dining room or can it be more like a guest room?

sadpapercourtesan · 16/04/2021 19:53

I'd put the two toddlers in together and free up a room for your husband's teenage son.

But you're not going to do that, are you.

Notaroadrunner · 16/04/2021 19:56

He's probably getting to the age where he won't need/want to have eow visits. As long as your new house is near enough for him to come and go then he may be happy enough to visit and go home. However, if he still wishes to continue his eow visits, or he lives too far to have a day visit, then I think you need to do better than the dining room.

MeadowHay · 16/04/2021 19:59

You sound terrified at the prospect that he may want to continue staying over at your house sometimes. How sad.

KurtWilde · 16/04/2021 20:04

He needs better provision at his dad's home than a pop up bed. At the very least a sofa bed, at best why can't your toddlers share for a couple of years?

Vikingintraining · 16/04/2021 20:04

If you're moving from a home where he has his own room to a home where he doesn't have a room at all, you are sending a very clear message about how welcome he is in your home.

KurtWilde · 16/04/2021 20:06

I agree @Vikingintraining, presumably he will go from having had his own room to basically no room at the inn.

Maggiesfarm · 16/04/2021 20:07

I would have the baby in with me or put the two eldest together when their brother is staying. Then plan to fashion a bedroom for him somewhere and somehow, so that he feels it is his home, albeit part time.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 16/04/2021 20:08

I wouldn't make two children share a room so that someone could sleep it it once every two weeks.

I'm surprised a 17 year old is staying eow at all to be honest.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 16/04/2021 20:08

That's so unfair and really mean. He needs his own room.

Aimee1987 · 16/04/2021 20:09

17 is an awkward age. I'm guessing hes still in college. I think you should either put off the move untill he has moved away to uni or you should either get some of the younger ones to share or turn one of the downstairs rooms as a room for DSS.

Ginger1982 · 16/04/2021 20:11

How odd that you've chosen a house that can't accommodate any overnight visitors, especially one of your kids.

HappyToPayForAdultSocialCare · 16/04/2021 20:14

I read it as the OP is worried the DSS wouldn't want to stay, not that she was worried he would stay.
I also think making two kids share a room for the sake of every other weekend is ridiculous and unfair. The OP's kids only have one home. I'm assuming DSS has his own room at his mum's?

I can't see that DSS needs a room for EOW if he doesn't keep any possessions at OP's house, but is the dining room private? Would it feel like a good place to sleep?

inappropriateraspberry · 16/04/2021 20:18

So you and your husband have separate rooms? Could you or husband share when he stays, and let him have one of your rooms?
I understand he doesn't need a permanent room if his own, but making him sleep I. The dining room is too much.

Pebbledashery · 16/04/2021 20:21

You don't sound very welcoming to be honest. You sound resentful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2021 20:26

I'd find it odd that while he's still a child you've chosen to move from a house that can accommodate him to one that can't. I mean why would you?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 16/04/2021 20:27

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'd find it odd that while he's still a child you've chosen to move from a house that can accommodate him to one that can't. I mean why would you?

Money?

altlife · 16/04/2021 20:27

@inappropriateraspberry

So you and your husband have separate rooms? Could you or husband share when he stays, and let him have one of your rooms? I understand he doesn't need a permanent room if his own, but making him sleep I. The dining room is too much.

I don't think you've read that right. 4 rooms meaning one for each of the 3 kids and the fourth for OP and husband together

altlife · 16/04/2021 20:31

@Mollyandme2020

My myself, my husband and our 3 children aged 1, 3 and 6 currently live in a 6 bedroom house so plenty of space. Husbands son age 17 stays every other weekend. We are moving house at the end of June to a 4 bed barn conversation. Which means each one of our children will have a room of their own and so will me and my husband. The only place his son can now sleep at our new house is by putting a pop up bed in the dining room. He doesn’t have any of his own possessions at ours he just comes as he is and leaves as he is. Can you see him wanting to do this?? My husband thinks that’s what will happen but I honestly can’t see why he would want to stay once we move. I would have thought he’d be more likely to just visit for the day especially as he is now 17. What are your thoughts?

Why ask strangers here if we can see if he'd want to do it? No one knows him so couldn't fairly comment.

If I were your stepson, I'd want to be part of the discussion (a little formal but you know what I mean).

If he isn't happy with the idea, have your 1yo in with you or 2 of yours together when he does come to stay so he gets his own space and feels part of the family. As it's only eow I can't imagine it would be difficult? And hopefully he'd appreciate your efforts. That is if you want him to continue to visit.

Ohpulltheotherone · 16/04/2021 20:34

Not sure what you’re actually asking OP.

If he currently stays every other weekend why would that change because you’ve moved home?

If he’s the sort who likes privacy and chill out time then he’s not going to enjoy not having his own space.

Although you’ve said he has none of his possession at your house - none at all? Nothing? So perhaps he is the sort of person who isn’t precious and would be quite happy kipping on a pull out and will carry on staying as regularly as he does now.

I am not a fan of having a sacred room for adult children who only grace it once every few months but as he’s still staying regularly and he’s not even 18 yet then I would give him his own room and let two of yours share for now.

Realistically it would only be for a couple of years - by the time your youngest are school age then DSS would be 20+ and then it’s reasonable to not expect his own room

pizzaobsessed · 16/04/2021 20:36

Why are you moving to a 4 bed if your kids won't be suitably accommodated? Treat your DSS as your own - he deserves a dedicated space not a pullout in the dining room in favour of 'your' children.

Put your two youngest in a room together for a few years until your DSS no longer wants to stay over as much - and that decision needs to be taken WITH him.

dignifiedfarewell · 16/04/2021 20:47

Happy family minus 1 who either gets to suck it up to see his siblings and Dad, or he just never comes.

Just getting to the age when he could go to the pub for a drink with Dad and come home - to the dining room!

For the sake of a couple of years till he truly left home, really...

Appreciate you might now be able to have your happy nuclear family and forget the eldest child but sounds like he has never felt comfortable enough to ever leave anything in the house anyway.
Scenarios like this give SMS and second families a bad name.

COI: 2 of my own and 3 DSCs from 11-17 - all have their own space / divided rooms etc and will till they leave college.

KurtWilde · 16/04/2021 21:00

Tbh doesn't sound like his dad is that fussed about him staying either, which is just sad. And a SM who sounds like she's hoping he won't bother with his eow anymore. Charming.

lunar1 · 16/04/2021 21:07

It sends a pretty clear message that he's no longer welcome.

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