Can you see it happening?

[Mollyandme2020]

My myself, my husband and our 3 children aged 1, 3 and 6 currently live in a 6 bedroom house so plenty of space.
Husbands son age 17 stays every other weekend.
We are moving house at the end of June to a 4 bed barn conversation. Which means each one of our children will have a room of their own and so will me and my husband.
The only place his son can now sleep at our new house is by putting a pop up bed in the dining room. He doesn’t have any of his own possessions at ours he just comes as he is and leaves as he is.
Can you see him wanting to do this??
My husband thinks that’s what will happen but I honestly can’t see why he would want to stay once we move.
I would have thought he’d be more likely to just visit for the day especially as he is now 17.
What are your thoughts?

Sorry, misread. I skipped the EACH one of our children and thought one child would have a room and the other two sharing!
Does it have to be a dining room? Could it be a guest room or office cum spare room? Or even just fit a fold out bed in there?

If he only stays occasionally then I would give each resident child their own room but I would make 2 of them double up to make a bedroom for your DSS when he stays.

Whether or not he stays for just the day depends on how far your live from his mum's house.

Is he likely to go to university? If so until then I would have the younger 2 share a room when he comes round.

If he only stays occasionally then I would give each resident child their own room but I would make 2 of them double up to make a bedroom for your DSS when he stays.

This. I’m very easy going but if my ExH said to one of our sons (at 17), here you go lad, you can sleep in the dining room. I would tell my exh to do one and make it clear to my son that he deserves far better.

I’m very easy going but Christ, your DH is a complete dick.

@Allgirlskidsanddogs

If he only stays occasionally then I would give each resident child their own room but I would make 2 of them double up to make a bedroom for your DSS when he stays.

Most reasonable and doable suggestion. A pull out bed in dining room is what is offer my drunk friend who can't get home 😅

When you say "each of our children will have their own room" that's not exactly true is it?? Your DH's children won't all have their own room.

I'd (quite rightly) be really hurt, pissed off and feel left out if I was the 17 year old and be questioning if I was even welcome at all

Why can't 2 of the younger ones share?

I'm actually more shocked are your DH tho, it's him that's leaving his son out

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I wouldn't make two children share a room so that someone could sleep it it once every two weeks.

I'm surprised a 17 year old is staying eow at all to be honest.

I agree.

The OP must be new to mumsnet.

Also, you thought he was more likely to only visit for the day now he's 17.

Even tho he's currently 17 and currently staying EOW.

He might well change his mind when you move but probably as he doesn't feel welcome. You even suggest he may only want to visit instead.

He should never feel like a visitor in his dads house until he buys/rents his own place.

You can tell a mile off you're not wanting him to stay over anymore now that it doesn't suit your DH's new family. So you're right he probably won't want to stay over where he's not welcome.....

Why doesn’t he have any stuff at yours? No clothes, at all?

Had you, or rather your husband, not spoken to step son about the move and bedroom situation before? Seems a bit late to consider the consequences now.

I wouldn’t thing he’d want to sleep on an air bed too often. Can you make something more comfortable like a sofa bed? Also is the dining room private enough or will people need to walk through to get to kitchen and disturb him in the morning etc?

Downsizing is pretty much sending him the message that he's not welcome to sleep over. Why would he leave a comfortable bed to sleep in the living room.

My 20yo nephew has a room at DBs house and he splits his time there abd with his DM when he comes back from Uni.

If I were his son, I would think poorly of my father. His father is making a pretty obvious statement about the value that he places on his relationship with his son.

If I were the son, I would probably stop seeing my father altogether. Surely, 2 of your children could have shared a room until his son stopped coming.

Your collective actions make a pretty obvious statement about the 17 year old's status as a member of the family.

OP not been back? Huh...

Poor kid. Are you downsizing for financial reasons? We built an extension when our kids came along because it was important that Dss would always have a choice, a home, somewhere to bring his friends etc. Your timing is out.

@sadpapercourtesan

I'd put the two toddlers in together and free up a room for your husband's teenage son.

But you're not going to do that, are you.

This

It's hard with older term step children in terms of when do they no longer get the rights to a bedroom?

We have a large 3 bed right now and we have the master room, the large double has bunk beds one side for teen SS (14/18) and our 3 year old toddler son the small double / large single is my SD Room alone (15)

Now in the next 2 years I want to get rid of the bunk beds and get my son a proper single bed and another single for my youngest SS ( then around 16 ) as my son is going to need to occupy more of that room as it's he's permanent home 100% if the time. I'd be looking at a air mattress for that room if the older decides to stay? Then possible when the youngest two both reach 18plus the smallest room becomes a room where anyone can stay at any time and a air mattress in the other room? It's hard with such a large age gap.

They are always welcome but it's not possible for everyone to always have a room waiting for them

@Allgirlskidsanddogs

If he only stays occasionally then I would give each resident child their own room but I would make 2 of them double up to make a bedroom for your DSS when he stays.

I'd do this. Have an extra bed in one of your DC room then they can double up and DSS can have a room to himself when there. I'd also provide DSS with some draws in that room and ask if there's anything he'd like to keep their or anything he'd like you and his DF to provide so he has what he needs at both of his family homes.

And OP hasn't returned to her thread yet...

@ihavenowords30

It's hard with older term step children in terms of when do they no longer get the rights to a bedroom?

We have a large 3 bed right now and we have the master room, the large double has bunk beds one side for teen SS (14/18) and our 3 year old toddler son the small double / large single is my SD Room alone (15)

Now in the next 2 years I want to get rid of the bunk beds and get my son a proper single bed and another single for my youngest SS ( then around 16 ) as my son is going to need to occupy more of that room as it's he's permanent home 100% if the time. I'd be looking at a air mattress for that room if the older decides to stay? Then possible when the youngest two both reach 18plus the smallest room becomes a room where anyone can stay at any time and a air mattress in the other room? It's hard with such a large age gap.

They are always welcome but it's not possible for everyone to always have a room waiting for them

Tbh I think your situation and plans make sense. It's the deliberately moving from a house big enough for them all where DSC has a room to one where he doesn't that i think is the issue. Even the way the OP has suggested that by his age he should only be visiting for the day....that's enough to make anyone feel unwelcome.

If they need to downsize for financial reasons that's another issue but there is no reason 2 of the younger ones can't share while he's there.

I actually think it's the dad failing the son here but OPs post smacks of just wanting him out the way as there is no space in their new happy family

This type of post infuriates me. He’s your husbands SON. He’s your children’s BROTHER. Grow up, OP, and grow some empathy. How would you feel if someone treated your child this way?

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'd find it odd that while he's still a child you've chosen to move from a house that can accommodate him to one that can't. I mean why would you?

At 17 though he might be about to go off to college/travelling etc. It costs a lot to just get a spare room on the off chance he visits.

Have you tried asking the 17 year old what they were thinking? I think 17 is old enough to have some input. You could offer his own room for a few years while the youngest will fit in one room happily?

Jesus some of these replies are a bit laughable.....

My husband fought through the courts when he was 4 years old to make sure he has regular contact and has ever since, they are extremely close and get on extremely well, he’s paid £400 a month to his mother for the past 13 years as child support.
His son is 17 and will be 18 in August this year, he’s seen the new house and paid lots of interest in it. It’s an hour and a half from his mothers house. Husband has always done all the driving back and forth she never has.
We are moving to renovate a barn conversion as a big project for a different lifestyle.
Sorry but why should our very young children who will be there 24/7 have to share bedrooms to leave one spare for a 2 night visit every other weekend?! I don’t think so.
I said the ‘dining room’ because that is the only spare room a pop up bed could go in but by all means it could be a sofa bed yes.
He hasn’t got any personal belongings at ours but he never really has- he takes things home and brings things with him.
All I was trying to get at was my husband seems to think that he’ll still be staying every other weekend but I can’t see it happening now that he won’t have his own room and as a 17 going on 18 young lad. If anyone else has someone similar that age?
Plus his mum lives in the centre of Manchester right where all his friends live and ours is an hour and a half away in an extremely rural little village.
I just don’t want his dad to feel hurt but I’m being realistic I think!

I'm was a stepchild. When he left and before he and my DSM had children, my DF always described the rooms in their house where we slept as our bedrooms and their house, our home. I love my DSM but we knew she always saw my DB and I as guests and our 'real' home as with our DM. The problem was that our DM had significant mental health problems and financial problems and we never had a long term home there. As a result I had to become self sufficient accommodation wise at 18 when I left for University. I lacked the security of a bed at home that my friends whose parents stayed together retained. I saw friends flee toxic relationships because they could hole up at their family home, go travelling and have a base to store possessions and a place to come back to. I was lucky that my best friends parents took me under their wing a bit in my early 20s. OP please retain a room for your DSS for a few years even if it means the younger children sharing. Supporting offspring as young adults is a significant aspect of parenting, particularly now when the cost of housing puts it beyond the reach of so many young people. Your DH has a moral obligation to keep the door open to his eldest child.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I wouldn't make two children share a room so that someone could sleep it it once every two weeks.

I'm surprised a 17 year old is staying eow at all to be honest.

Absolute madness that two kids should have to make daily sacrifices to accommodate someone who stays EOW and doesn’t keep any stuff there.

He's 17, still a kid really. I'd be surprised if he stopped staying over at this age. I think there should be a dedicated space for him. Can't you put two of the kids in together and he at least has one of their rooms when he visits? The setup you envisage sounds pretty unwelcoming, I feel sorry for him.