Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

Yes, but before I dated them!

It’s a bit like wishing we’d tried harder at school or not let ourselves get overweight. I think it’s natural to reflect but not healthy for your mental state if you obsess.

I imagine, most people with SdC, even if you live the kids like they're your own, the 'ex factor' is still a life complication most of us coukd well do without. Even, really, if they're decent people & it all works well, it's still another adult you have to take into consideration if you want to move etc. Still it's life fir a great many people, so st least you're not alone!

This is why I didn't marry a man who already had a family.

Absolutely hence marrying someone who did not have kids! I was very picky about who I married I woundnt have even dated a man with kids when I was late twenties looking for a husband.

It’s why I will never ever ever blend families until my youngest has moved out.

My children are not paying the price for fact I divorced their father by having to share their home with another family.

No bloody way

This is why I'd no interest in a man with kids. That kind of lifestyle just wasnt for me.

I think people would be lying if they said they’d never thought it.... but your DH wouldn’t be your DH without DSD. The person he is he might not be without having his own DD.
It’s all shoulda woulda coulda, there’s lots of things I wish were different, job choices life choices. If I’d not done X then Y would be different, but that’s life. It’s not easy nor simple xx

Yeah if I could go back I'd probably think twice.I love my husband and believe he's my soul mate and love our little family. But at times the crap that goes with being in a blended family tests this to the max

It’s hard op - I couldn’t be with a man with young children ever again, but have some and

Mmm same. If I was to split from DH I'd steer clear of any men with children

This is why I wish every woman, especially those who don't already have their own children and want them, would think very, very long and hard before getting involved with a man who has children already. I would give the same advice to a man. Too much baggage, too much of a headache.

@Kindasup1 I hear you but it does get so much better, my DSS is now 18.... we’ve had minimal contact with his mum from about 15/16 as it just wasn’t needed anymore. We can be cordial with his mum & bf at social events and give gifts for birthdays (hers) and she gives our (mine & DH)’s kids presents on birthdays and Christmas.
She was a nightmare for a good 5/6 years, she was horrendous there is no denying that at all. But all our lives have moved on.. DSS is a lot older and life is simple!

I agree.

It's why I wouldn't have dated anyone with children.

I was very very naive 24 year old at the time and didn't really think about long term pitfalls .Too busy enjoying the relationship, planning a wedding having fun with DSD then reality hits... that it's just hard issues I didnt even think about like my family wanting to take my son on holiday becomes a massive deal to the ex and DSD and pure pettiness entails.

It is hard and I do wish I had met DH first and we had our dc together. But then we wouldn’t have the dc we have now - so, it is what is is. Life would be easier as part of a nuclear family, but then some people never find someone they love, so I count us very lucky. I’m glad DH took on me and my dc and I do the same for him. I also think we are together because we chose each other and it means more because of what we’ve been through.

That's why I would never ever date a man with kids. Fortunately I met Dh young enough.

I think people totally underestimate the whole thing.

Well, it's not surprising that you feel this way. Bit shit for the DSD though. She had a lot less choice about it than you did.

I don't wish your relationship to fail, but statistically yours very well might. Then you'd be the one with an ex and a kid. Bet you are the first to call people out on single parents!

Reality all relationships are hard. If you had your husband without DSD maybe you would have been the divorced first wife

Why is it an issue that your family want to take your son on holiday ?

Is the age gap close between your DC and DSD? I think that can make it tricky. Thankfully my DSS was 12 and then 16 when the kids came along.
It’s tricky with holidays... we’ve never had a holiday without DSS except our honeymoon.... it’s diff now he’s older as there will be lots...

I know exactly how you feel, what’s your current living situation? My partner has DC 2 nights a week minimum, I normally just keep to myself (just making sure they are fed) or dp will take DC out, at the end of the day it’s about their quality time together, make space for you or go stay with a friend or family if needed, you don’t have to be involved all the time, just keep it short and sweet. Talking from the point of the child (my parents separated when I was young) I appreciated my step mum being there but not heavily involved, we have a good bond now. It’s very hard very you have that connection with someone, sending hugs and strength 💐

I did sort of - not for practical reasons so much (both SDC lived with us full time with no contact with their mother) but because when we had DS, and got married, I felt a bit sad that it wasn't his first time. But actually it didn't matter in the long run and his experience as s single dad was great, he was a truly equal parent and could reassure me when I was anxious about DS. I think it's natural to wonder about what could have been - but don't let it consume you.

Holiday issue is my family plan to take my son who is 3 on holiday next year and my mum told my son on a video call ,he ofcourse got very excited and is chatting away about being on a plane etc. He told DSD who is 4 years older that nana is taking him on a plane and DSD told their mum who kicked off heavily about the unfairness etc.

No you’re not wrong to feel that. But I do wonder why so many people marry/ move in together and make firm commitments in these situations without giving it a long test run.

I was in a LTR for over 4 years and it was precisely these issues that stopped me from co-habitting, marrying and even having a joint baby. All were options on the table. I just looked at the shit show of an exwife meddling and high maintenance kids and I thought ‘as much as I love this man, I’m not prepared to take this on.’

I miss him but I categorically do not miss his exwife or his children. She was vile and they were on track to be really troubled.

Now, I will date firmly away from my children. Never cohabit until my children are grown up/ moved out. And bluntly not even date a man with younger children. Life is too short to have it dictated by ex wife’s/ partners.