Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

@Youseethethingis

*Let me guess Your DS is a baby or toddler?* Let me guess, it’s all fine now but the minute he hits school age DSD is scheduled for a wave of feeling betrayed?

So I take it... he is a baby or toddler!

One of the main reasons I fell in love with my husband was how amazing he was with DSD and how hard he fought for her when her mum remarried and tried to cut contact. I love her to bits and she adds so much to our lives. But I would give A LOT to have her mum disappear out of our lives and its borderline whether I'd be willing to lose her to get rid of her mum - probably get a different answer daily

Yes I think this. Even though I had a child from a previous relationship, I would have got together with someone without kids if I had my time again.

My Ex turned pretty emotionally abusive too. I know it’s weird to say this, but I don’t think he would have been had he not been married before and had kids. They hyped him up, stirred the pot so that it became toxic. It was like his previous Ex and her older daughters fed him so much poison that he has also become a horrible, mean person to me. Honestly I think if we’d met when he had no family we would have a chance. Of course I might be totally wrong and Ex was always horrible. But I’ve talked to his Ex and he was very good to her.

So it’s not only the kids, it’s sometimes how it turns your partner. I hope that doesn’t happen to you!

That's why I'm astounded by posts from young women....early 20s, settling for the baggage of a man with kids and an Ex. Even if the Ex is not a psycho, I wouldn't be up for it.

Me neither but it takes some experience of life to fathom all that. A young woman will have romantic ideas

I think it's individuals, rather than age.

At 20 years old I ended a relationship when I found he said he had kids...it was our 3rd or 4th date.

I wasn't up for him always an Ex in his life.

Yep I agree. When I was dating in my 20s I immediately excluded anyone with children. Just not something I wanted to sign up for.

I’m now married and we have 3 children under 10. It’s hard enough without any step children so I know it was the right decision for me.

@SandyY2K

That's why I'm astounded by posts from young women....early 20s, settling for the baggage of a man with kids and an Ex. Even if the Ex is not a psycho, I wouldn't be up for it.

Me neither but it takes some experience of life to fathom all that. A young woman will have romantic ideas

I think it's individuals, rather than age.

At 20 years old I ended a relationship when I found he said he had kids...it was our 3rd or 4th date.

I wasn't up for him always an Ex in his life.

Same here. Not just the ex but the kids, too. Can't for the life of me understand why any young, childfree woman would carry on seeing such a bloke. He acted all shocked, like I owed him to take on his baggage.

I remember being about 22 and being absolutely slated on a support forum for admitting that I wasn't open to dating fathers because I didn't want to look after someone elses kids. Wanting my own nuclear family rather than my children sharing dad with a different family was also a factor.

It was a real roasting about how I was potentially ruling out wonderful men based on my shallow criteria. I think there can be pressure on young women not to be too judgemental with men. I guess it's part of the bekind conditioning that usually wears off once you gain a bit of life experience and wisdom.

I would advise my DD against a serious relationship with someone who already has a family as it is unnecessary baggage at best. At worst it seems like a lot of these women end up as unpaid live in nannies who also provide sex for shit men.

@Mumbo1234 i’d be absolutely fine with that. If any person is child free I wouldn’t expect them to want to tie themselves down to someone with children. Especially if (like me), I’m resolutely never having anymore children.

I’ve had plenty of men with no children ask me out. So far I’ve not been interested. My life is completely pivoted around my kids and my career now. Leaving very minimal time for ‘dating.’ In a few years when mine are older and I can go out in the evenings and come back 11ish etc, I may be more open to it. But right now? No.

I think a man with complete freedom would find my lifestyle stifling.

SnuggyBuggy Those people who slated you were probably mothers who had split with their children’s fathers and took offence at you not wanting anything to do with other people’s children i.e children like their children.

I will advise my DC the same thing to avoid someone with children. Having been in that position myself, I hope they don’t go down that road. Especially young. Obviously I can’t stop them when they are adults, but I will be telling them when they’re old enough that it’s not easy at all. I feel more strongly about my DD because she would be a stepmum and I do feel that is much harder role than stepdad.

Sassbot Again, me and you are at the same point in our lives. I like seeing your posts, they resonate so much with me

I'm also not looking forward to dealing with my kids friends at playdates and parties but will have to suck that up

I think its also because I'm the sort who likes other people but also likes going home and shutting the door on the outside. Obviously you're supposed to encourage the kids in these situations to see it as their home too but I think it would just feel like having guests in my house half the time. I'm not saying my perspective is right but I'd struggle with it.

As for my DD I'd maybe feel a bit different if I really thought she knew what she was getting into and what she was sacrificing by becoming a young stepmum. Very few people in their early twenties do.

It would be interesting to know how people would react to a man saying that he wouldn’t date women with children though...?

I would be fine with this and appreciate his honesty. I rather that than have a partner that tolerates the best things in my life because they are ‘someone else’s children’.

We come as a package, and if a prospective partner doesn’t like that then the relationship isn’t for me.

@Mumbo1234 pre meeting exdp I was 'dumped' by a fair few men (without dc) after a fair few dates who couldn't handle that my life had to be more ordered & less spontaneous that theirs because I had dc.
This never really bothered me (I'd met them as I was trying to learn how to 'date' again after 17 years with the one man) & I appreciated their honesty.
Men are just better at being selfish (& I mean that in a good way) - they are taught from a very early age to put themselves first & to not feel guilty about it. Women on the other hand are taught & expected to take on & fix everyone else's crap & if we don't? Well then we're just bad, nasty women!
It's more of how stepdads are supposed to hover in the background but stepmums are supposed to love, care & provide for everyone in the blended family unit.
Fwiw I also dated some dads who would state on the first date that they had no intention of being in a relationship for a long time; that their dc were their priority & all they wanted was friends with benefits. Again, fine & honest but it a woman took that approach she's be labelled a bored housewife/cougar/Mrs. Robinson etc. etc.

I guess first wives feel that new half siblings are unfair on their own children because that's often the point at which the dad will try to cut child support, on account of having a new baby.
It's human instinct to want your own little unit to be totally prioritised and step children mean that this can't happen (if your DH is a decent dad). Very few people seem to genuinely love their step children. This is why if DH and I ever split, I would never subject my DC to a step parent. Even if they were really nice (and you never know for sure until you live with someone) they aren't going to love my kids like I do and I think children deserve not to have to deal with that in their own home.

@SnuggyBuggy

I remember being about 22 and being absolutely slated on a support forum for admitting that I wasn't open to dating fathers because I didn't want to look after someone elses kids. Wanting my own nuclear family rather than my children sharing dad with a different family was also a factor.

It was a real roasting about how I was potentially ruling out wonderful men based on my shallow criteria. I think there can be pressure on young women not to be too judgemental with men. I guess it's part of the bekind conditioning that usually wears off once you gain a bit of life experience and wisdom.

I would advise my DD against a serious relationship with someone who already has a family as it is unnecessary baggage at best. At worst it seems like a lot of these women end up as unpaid live in nannies who also provide sex for shit men.

I absolutely agree with you here. There is a massive rift between what people think being in a relationship with someone with kids should be like (ie an extremely high level of personal sacrifice) and the way they react to people saying to avoid dating parents. Apparently that's "unkind", "not giving them a chance", and "single parents deserve love too". There are a lot of people that want to have it both ways - they want to be able to date people but they also expect them to put up with ridiculous things in order to do so, in the name of their kids. I have a lot of respect for people that can be honest to themselves about that and either adjust their expectations, or not expect people to want to date them.

@Lassy1945

It’s why I will never ever ever blend families until my youngest has moved out.

My children are not paying the price for fact I divorced their father by having to share their home with another family.

No bloody way

I’d feel exactly the same so do most friends who grew up in blended families. They hated the different treatment and were well aware of the resentment of a first family etc. Children get no say in the adult relationships and the adults seem to have a rosy eyed version of events compared to what the children have in many cases.

As an adult, I can see the choices adults made were made for them not me. My children will always come first as I won’t repeat the pattern.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I guess first wives feel that new half siblings are unfair on their own children because that's often the point at which the dad will try to cut child support, on account of having a new baby. It's human instinct to want your own little unit to be totally prioritised and step children mean that this can't happen (if your DH is a decent dad). Very few people seem to genuinely love their step children. This is why if DH and I ever split, I would never subject my DC to a step parent. Even if they were really nice (and you never know for sure until you live with someone) they aren't going to love my kids like I do and I think children deserve not to have to deal with that in their own home.

If you truly believe that it's justifiable human nature to want to protect your own "little unit" to the extent of resenting new children, then you should also have no trouble justifying why a SP might not love their SC.

I met DH in my 20s and he had one son. I was wary but fell heavily in love and adored his son. Being a stepparent is fucking hard work but so is being a parent. 20 years on DSS is now 24 and I feel privileged to have him in my life. He brings joy and is a wonderful big brother. I made mistakes (tried to hard to parent should have stood back more) and his mother at times made things tricky but we muddled through. Try and separate your feelings for her mother from her. Remember she is a little girl who just wants to feel loved in her father's home. In the scenario with the the plane that must be really hard on her. If you think about it as a small child if your brother or sister was going on an aeroplane and you wanted to it must be really tough. Her mother is being an absolute dick about it and stirring the pot. Don't rise to it. However do make plans about going on an aeroplane with all of you you even if it's not for a long time and make it very clear to DSD the she will be coming.

I was incredibly naive and lacked experience when I met ex DH. His ex and children destroyed our relationship. I don’t know what it would have been like without them, but I think we’d still be together as he is a good man.

@aSofaNearYou that’s true, I don’t think I could easily welcome my partners child into my life without resentment, I also feel said child shouldn’t be resented in their second home so with that in mind I’d never opt to become a SP.

Having read my post I realise I'm making mother's sounds terrible. I fully appreciate that had I become an ex I would probably have been a complete nightmare. Jealousy and insecurity runs deep with parents. And in my case DSSs mum did make life difficult and make some mistakes but in general was a wonderful mother.

I’m kind of attached to my step children...,

I knew it was a layer of complexity I just didn't want in my life and so refused to date any man with children to avoid this.

However life has given you lemons. I think you/your husband need to challenge the mum on her ridiculousness. There is no way your family will take SD on hols and no way her mum would let her go even if they did. Also it may never happen. So it's a moot point really.
She needs to calm down and accept life isnt precisely fair. On your side you need to stop letting her live free rent in your mind.