Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

@osbertthesyrianhamster do they? Why?

Yes. Think about it, a woman with her own kids, whose older won't put up with half the BS you read on here. Life experience counts for much.

Oh I see. Though I think that happens regardless of children so not a step parent issue as such.

Some of the step parenting issues seen on this board are due to the actions of men. Take the child away and the man is still inadequate.

Eg housework. SM complains she has to clean after his children, but actually he doesn’t do any of it when child not there. The SC are not the central issue, it’s just more irritating that they add to the SM existing burden.

And I agree re life experience. The bullet I dodged (previous relationship) taught me a lot about relationship expectations.

Life would be easier without children full stop. Step or bio. More money, time, freedom, sleep, less worry.
The thing is they also bring so much joy and love into our lives that it’s worth it.
Step children bring unique aggro and not necessarily the joy and love.
So much of it depends on your partners working relationship with his ex which is pretty much out of your control.
I’ve had my trials with DSD and her mother but things are very settled now, relations are friendly and I look forward to seeing DSD.
Previously, without going into the gory details, my thoughts were “what the fuck is this fucking woman’s brat doing in my house, upsetting my life and my man?!?!”.
I couldn’t have stayed if then DP hadn’t been making active efforts to sort it, which eventually paid off. Some SMs on here will never see that turn if the tide and you can’t live like that indefinitely and maintain any quality of life.

I’ve never regretted marrying DH, but the step parenting years were hard (DSS is now in his late 20s). Being a second wife/stepparent is not exactly the fairytale, is it …

@funinthesun19 I’m the same as you. Not nuclear here but god my life is so much nicer and calmer and drama free. I used to think being single would be hard but after being in a relationship with a man with young children, I now recognise what a gift a peaceful home is. It may lack a man but it is what it is. I won’t date a man with young children again. And I doubt any man minus children will sign up to a life with me a mine. I’m fine with that - like I said, the grass is not greener and I’ll take my life right now.

@RolloverRollover I’ve always worked but only had my own home in the last 4 years. I was able to (just) buy the ex out of the marital home and take on a new mortgage in just my name. That period of knowing if I could was beyond stressful and I never want to be in that position again.
My mortgage is very long term and transferable so i can downsize at anytime.

But that whole experience has left me so scarred I am very clear that I will never allow a man any sort of financial claim on my/ my children’s home.
And sadly, based on Uk laws. That means no longer term cohabiting or marriage.

I have been feeling the same the last few days. We seem to go in a cycle with DSS behaviour - some good months followed by some horrendous months. We're in yet another horrendous stage (lies, refusing contact, tantrums). Me and DH have a great marriage but I'm so tired of the drama and living on the edge waiting for him to kick off again. It would be such an easy life without the drama. It's hard having someone in your life that can have such a big influence on everything you do with but have little influence over yourself.

It's hard having someone in your life that can have such a big influence on everything you do with but have little influence over yourself.

Yep, my life used to be ruled by a non resident teenager, he had far more power in the household than I did. The dynamics were very wrong.

@Lassy1945

It’s why I will never ever ever blend families until my youngest has moved out.

My children are not paying the price for fact I divorced their father by having to share their home with another family.

No bloody way

I think it would be best if more parents took this approach.

Step and blended families can be messy. I absolutely never would have settled down with a man with kids when I was looking for a life partner.

I'll remember this guy I dated..third date or so and he showed me a picture of his DC and said he had a good relationship with his Ex. That was my last date with him. I didn't need that hassle of an Ex constantly in my life. I was about 20/21 at this time and now I've strongly advised my DDs not to marry a man with kids. They know me strong advice, means don't do it.

In addition to my minimum height criteria of 6ft, no kids was a very hard criteria for me.

He told DSD who is 4 years older that nana is taking him on a plane and DSD told their mum who kicked off heavily about the unfairness etc

Does she expect your mum to pay for her daughter to go on holiday? If she does, then she needs to think again.

The mum is being ridiculous about the holiday.
Your ds is allowed a holiday with his grandparents.
This is definitely the type of thing that drove me away.
I bet dsd is allowed holidays with her maternal grandparents and of course with her mum, and nobody begrudges her a single thing. Your ds is allowed the same.

@funinthesun19 I’m the same as you. Not nuclear here but god my life is so much nicer and calmer and drama free. I used to think being single would be hard but after being in a relationship with a man with young children, I now recognise what a gift a peaceful home is. It may lack a man but it is what it is. I won’t date a man with young children again. And I doubt any man minus children will sign up to a life with me a mine. I’m fine with that - like I said, the grass is not greener and I’ll take my life right now.

I’m so with you on everything you’ve said.
I mean, it’s not always easy being a single mum of 4 don’t get me wrong. But it’s still easier than being with a man with a child and all that that entails. I too won’t look twice at a man with young children either and I agree that no man is going to look twice at me either. I’m cool with that.
Life is so much easier, calmer and happier.

I think people would be lying if they said they’d never thought it.... but your DH wouldn’t be your DH without DSD. The person he is he might not be without having his own DD
What lovely words. Very true too and a good way to turn things around as indeed, unless you can't have children or you happen to adore your SCs, I can't see anyone feeling that a blended situation is better than a nuclear one.

@Kindasup1

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

It’s not like this is all fate. You knew he had children when you met him; if you said no at that time and held out for a partner without kids you could have nad the nuclear family (at least for a while).

@Kindasup1

Holiday issue is my family plan to take my son who is 3 on holiday next year and my mum told my son on a video call ,he ofcourse got very excited and is chatting away about being on a plane etc. He told DSD who is 4 years older that nana is taking him on a plane and DSD told their mum who kicked off heavily about the unfairness etc.

Have you and the children’s father ever taken both kids away? From a 7 yo child’s perspective it IS unfair that your mum gets to exclude her when it suits because, no doubt, you have probably told her you are a family and both kids are equal. (But now she knows you aren’t). A better way to deal with this would have been for your DP to offer to equalise by taking your dsd away too.

This is why blended families are often just not possible when you financially depend on grandparents to do nice things. Those grandparents, unless really lovely, invariably want to only have their biological grandkids which often means one child always loses out if their grandparents can’t do those things.

I honestly think blending can only be a positive experience if both parties are fully boundaried about their exes & very clear eyed about their own dc.
As so many recent posts on here have highlighted, nrp's in particular seem to very often struggle with both which makes a happy blended experience virtually impossible.
I too would no longer date a man with younger dc & I'm honestly not sure if I'd even date a man with older/adult dc.

With regard to my own personal experience by the time my exdp became boundaried about his ex & clear eyed about his dc it was too late. As young adults & teens they had all turned into versions of their dm; self centred, money obsessed, dependent, victim mentality. Exdp had facilitated this for years & his newfound insights (via therapy) were too late to change anything without a massive struggle/blow up, & I'd bet my house that he has either fallen back into giving in to them or that every day is a struggle if he's daring to say No to them.
If I met a man with older dc & if I even got a whiff of them being overly emotionally or financially dependent on him I'd be gone as fast as my legs could carry me.

@Kindasup1

Holiday issue is my family plan to take my son who is 3 on holiday next year and my mum told my son on a video call ,he ofcourse got very excited and is chatting away about being on a plane etc. He told DSD who is 4 years older that nana is taking him on a plane and DSD told their mum who kicked off heavily about the unfairness etc.

I think that I'd retort that her parents are welcome to take their gc away too if they wish, you won't hold it against her!

From a 7 yo child’s perspective it IS unfair that your mum gets to exclude her when it suits because, no doubt, you have probably told her you are a family and both kids are equal. (But now she knows you aren’t). A better way to deal with this would have been for your DP to offer to equalise by taking your dsd away too.
Couldn't disagree with this more. The better way to deal with it is to explain to the 7 year old in an age appropriate way, the dynamics of her family set up & that her sibling & she have different mums & different relatives.
7 years olds aren't daft & can actually get their heads around this stuff.

Well, it's no surprise that kids need both their parents (if available) until at least 18.
I'm still very much involved with my grown up kids, and grandkids.
You never stop being a parent.
I could never be in a blended family, nuclear all the way for me.

*Have you and the children’s father ever taken both kids away? From a 7 yo child’s perspective it IS unfair that your mum gets to exclude her when it suits because, no doubt, you have probably told her you are a family and both kids are equal. (But now she knows you aren’t). A better way to deal with this would have been for your DP to offer to equalise by taking your dsd away too.

This is why blended families are often just not possible when you financially depend on grandparents to do nice things. Those grandparents, unless really lovely, invariably want to only have their biological grandkids which often means one child always loses out if their grandparents can’t do those things.*

Erm, no. My step son is barely aware of the MANY things my DD does with my parents that he isn't involved in. It barely even enters onto his radar, they just have different relationships with different people, no need for all the drama.

A better way to deal with this would have been for your DP to offer to equalise by taking your dsd away too
What a lot of crap.
Then the DP must take the 3 year old away separately too or he’s treating his children unequally.
Then the 3 year old gets one more trip than the 7 year old so what to do?
What if the DSDs mum wants to take her away? Then the OP must take her son away to even it up. But the DP can’t go because then one child gets to go away with dad and the other doesn’t...
What a bloody farce. Far better to help children understand their own families and relationships than spend untold fortunes teaching them that they are owed everything from everyone they are vaguely related too.

From a 7 yo child’s perspective it IS unfair that your mum gets to exclude her when it suits because, no doubt, you have probably told her you are a family and both kids are equal. (But now she knows you aren’t). A better way to deal with this would have been for your DP to offer to equalise by taking your dsd away too.

What do you mean equalise? If they’re both his children then surely he should be taking both of them? Why does he “owe” dsd a holiday on her own just because his younger child’s grandparents are taking their grandchild on holiday?
Does that mean if dsd’s grandparents on her mum’s side take her on holiday, he would need to equalise it for his son and take him on holiday? I very much doubt it.

I seriously can’t believe people think like this.
The step mum’s children get to do something nice with their mum/maternal grandparents so the poor little stepchildren need it making up to them by the father.
I’m sure the op’s partner’s ex would agree 🙄

The stepchildren do something nice with their mum/maternal grandparents and that’s just the way it is. Why can’t it be the same for the stepmum’s children? Just normal life. Why are stepchildren owed things all the bloody time when the stepmum’s children are happy and having fun?

OP, I think that the world is filled with people who think that way, and most of those people chose not to marry or reproduce with partners who already have children.

They make those decisions not as judgement calls but out of self awareness and a choice to not become involved in situations with easily foreseeable problems.

Many people when exiting their nuclear family choose not to have additional children. My ex had a vasectomy and I had a tubal ligation as were going through the process of divorcing because we both agreed that 2 children were the number that we each could most comfortably support and neither one of us wanted children parented with different partners. I say all of that to say yes, sometimes people are actually forward thinking in making plans related to family and family planning.

Your husband: s ex is being irrational in her expectations. You should ignore her rantings or suggest that perhaps her parents can take her 2 on vacation at the same time. That would be an inappropriate suggestion for you to make, but it would be consistent with her irrational way of thinking.