Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

The ex sounds completely unreasonable , it’s no wonder you feel like you do .

As someone who had a hideous childhood due to my parents idiotic choices I would never get myself into any kind of blended family set up from my side, and I'd be heartbroken if DH and I split up and my children became the step children someone would rather didn't exist.

At least I can ensure it would never happen from my side.

@Kindasup1

Holiday issue is my family plan to take my son who is 3 on holiday next year and my mum told my son on a video call ,he ofcourse got very excited and is chatting away about being on a plane etc. He told DSD who is 4 years older that nana is taking him on a plane and DSD told their mum who kicked off heavily about the unfairness etc.

So shit. For everyone. Honestly, I’m never for more thankful for being a single parent who has made the decision to never blend families, ever, than when I happen upon a step parent thread.

Until my DC's 18 I would never date a guy with children for this very reason. I'm now in a relationship with a guy who's children are also 18+.

Much less complicated this way. I will also never live with him.

@sadpapercourtesan

Well, it's not surprising that you feel this way. Bit shit for the DSD though. She had a lot less choice about it than you did.

This

@RolloverRollover you know what? I speak (in RL) to women 20-30 years older. They all have one piece of advice. If you can, retain your financial independence and try as hard as possible to own a little bolthole of your own.

I will happily date, even co-habit 3 to 4 days a week. But I would always want a partner to maintain their own home (not have a claim on mine). And marriage (I’m pretty sure) is off the cards, basically for the same reasons.

I wouldn’t trust anyone to do the ‘right thing’ financially. I’m no longer that naive.

I understand what you mean. Of course relationships are simpler without an ex a s step children in the picture (in most cases) but then I think people have to deal with all sorts of things eg overbearing mother in law.

@rainbowthoughts

This is why I didn't marry a man who already had a family.

Me too.

I'm 7 years in and the SC are for the most part zero trouble but yes I still think about how things would be better financially and emotionally without them I think it's natural but as another user said if it's not yearned for or obsessive day over :) hugs

In my experience everything was fine ( ish) until I had my own second child ... then the ex became a whole lot more determined to make things hard. Originally I’d stayed away from men with kids - but DH was lovely and so was DSD ... so I really didn’t see the problems coming

I was like you - very naive. DH was also very young when he had DSD. She has never been anything but a delight, but the ex-dramas have been horrendous over the years. We also had the opportunity to move country more than once which we didn't even entertain because of DSD but there's always a whisper of regret about things like that. It is hard, but of course there's nothing to be done about it and this is the first time I think I've ever moaned about it - because what can you do? You make your choice and live your life.

Make sure your DS goes on that holiday.

Your Mum is taking DS.

Tell the ex her Mum can take her child.

I have 3DC and I’ve co parented with my ex for 9 years with zero issues, and I recently broke up with someone after 12 months (he didn’t meet my DC) because of the constant, unrelenting drama he has with his ex. They are both as bad as each other and was I fuck living like that; it was only the last 6 months of the relationship I realised how hostile they were. Nope nope nope.

And will now never date a man with children again.

@Aquamarine1029

This is why I wish every woman, especially those who don't already have their own children and want them, would think very, very long and hard before getting involved with a man who has children already. I would give the same advice to a man. Too much baggage, too much of a headache.

I agree. It was a total dealbreaker for me and I ditched the second I found out no matter how much I liked him or he wanted to date or whatever. Just no. I've hammered this home to my kids, too.

When I was early 20s my partner of 3 years cancelled a cinema date as he needed to care for his child.

On one hand I wouldn’t have been with a man who didn’t put his child first. On the other I resented having my plans changed for a child that wasn’t mine.

It wasn’t eventually what ended the relationship but I learnt then that I definitely did not want to be restricted by a partners responsibilities and never dated men with children again.

@PurpleBiro21

When I was early 20s my partner of 3 years cancelled a cinema date as he needed to care for his child.

On one hand I wouldn’t have been with a man who didn’t put his child first. On the other I resented having my plans changed for a child that wasn’t mine.

It wasn’t eventually what ended the relationship but I learnt then that I definitely did not want to be restricted by a partners responsibilities and never dated men with children again.

And men with kids tend to target young women with no kids themselves.

I'm too selfish to have step children, I wanted to be the most important person in my partners world and like above I could never love someone who put me before their children. So having children discounted men as a potential partner.

@osbertthesyrianhamster do they? Why?

It’s so restrictive. I met my bow DH a year or so later and we’ve been free to do all sorts as it’s ‘just us’.

In my prior I felt that there were x3 in the relationship most of the time as so much had to go through mum (they shared DC 50:50 around work shifts).

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints

I'm too selfish to have step children, I wanted to be the most important person in my partners world and like above I could never love someone who put me before their children. So having children discounted men as a potential partner.

Yes this too.

I thought the same op. Eventually I ended a long term relationship partly over it. I mean, I know I don’t have a nuclear family now as it’s just me and my children living here, but that doesn’t matter to me. The way life is now is just a new happy normal for me. No ex wife drama and without trying to sound mean, no stepchildren.

I know that’s not helpful op. But really what I’m trying to say is that it never really goes away the way you’re feeling even when things are going ok. Just my realistic viewpoint and you have my full sympathies and no judgement.

@sassbott

I'm pretty old and I've always worked and had my own home. I like you, have no problem in having a fella over 3/4 nights - but move in - no.

My DP has 3 children and still owns his house with his exwife. To get married would also make their plans / finances difficult and I'm also not doing that.

Oh god that’s another thing, a friend of mine lost a house because her DH still had a savings account with his ex who had a car repossessed. Or something.

Came up on the credit file search.

Op that doesn’t make any sense at all??
So if ex’s family wanted to take DSC on holiday would they be taking your son too?

Literally makes no sense AT ALL (I grew up in a blended family and I think that’s batshit)