Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

I don't think anyone has said PPs situation is 'no different to blending families' but that whilst blended families isn't always ideal (and I agree), neither is having divorced parents and you can't have a go at people for putting their love lives first when you admit two minutes later that you did similarly because you weren't happy with your own love life (i.e. didn't feel romantically toward their husband anymore). It's not as if divorce doesn't have a huge impact on children either so perhaps look at your own situation before you comment on others.

Yeah this was it for me.

In my opinion, the thing that clearly has the biggest impact on children is the initial parental split and I think the moment one or both parents decide to do that, they must know they are opening their children's lives up to step-parents, blended families, future half-siblings that live FT with their their parent while they don't etc.

I think it's unrealistic to think that you could split with someone and then you both stay single until your children are 18. One way or another, one parent will meet someone else.

I don't attach the same derisive moral judgment to that statement, I think it was the appropriate thing to do. But that doesn't mean that "putting your love life first" isn't exactly what that is.

I totally agree. It seems people are just desperate to decree that other people's choices are wrong while justifying their own. It just doesn't need to be moralised like this.

@Whatawaytogo

When I divorced my ex I didn’t see it as putting my love life first! I wasn’t having an affair, there was not even the hint of someone else in the corner or even on the horizon. I divorced him because we didn’t get on, and I didn’t fancy him in the slightest.

When I moved my partner in with his children, that was me putting my love life first.

I suppose different if you end your marriage becuae you’re having an affair?

I agree with the others, obviously you ending a relationship because you weren't happy in it is your love life. And arguably you chose your right not to be in that unhappy relationship over your children's stability in their intact family unit.

But I totally agree with sofa, I am fully behind your choice, you made the right decision to leave if you weren't happy. But it very much was a choice based on your love life, the same as Lassy, despite her telling us she would never do that.

I think the moment one or both parents decide to do that, they must know they are opening their children's lives up to step-parents, blended families, future half-siblings that live FT with their their parent while they don't etc.
This. When a relationship fails and the parents split, the “ideal” scenario for kids is gone, probably forever. After that, it’s up to the parents to make the best of things as they see fit. For some that means remaining single, for other that means finding love again. That’s it really 🤷‍♀️

@Bibidy and let's not forget that there would be very few blended families if people just stayed in their relationships in the first place.

The thing is that it would go down like a lead balloon if you waded into the threads in relationships and divorce/separation to moralise about the poor children who'll be growing up in 'broken families'. But it seems to be acceptable to do exactly this on threads about stepparenting and blended families.

[quote FishyFriday]@Bibidy and let's not forget that there would be very few blended families if people just stayed in their relationships in the first place.

The thing is that it would go down like a lead balloon if you waded into the threads in relationships and divorce/separation to moralise about the poor children who'll be growing up in 'broken families'. But it seems to be acceptable to do exactly this on threads about stepparenting and blended families. [/quote]
Yep I agree.

Even if you make a vow to yourself to always remain single after you split with your kid's parents, you know that you can never know what your ex will go on to do in the future.

Or that your kids won't grow up to tell everyone that their parents' divorce ruined their childhood and they hated not seeing dad all the time/living between two houses/etc.

But I had zero ZERO desire to ever be with a man again when I divorced my husband (and then four years later my neighbour introduced me to her brother...)

I would have been very happy on my own with my children and indeed I was!

I divorced him becuae I too didn’t want my children to see entirely loveless marriage as their experience of a marriage. If I’d known that it wouldn’t be I. Their best interest to divorce him, then I would have been absolutely fine to stay with him as a companion. Loveless but certainly financially better off.

I didn’t do it for love.
I did it becuae I didn’t want my children to live in a marriage where there was no love between there parents and I witness that day in and day out, every holiday, special occasion etc. Acutely aware that there parents were side by side despite not feeling any love for each other whatsoever.

@Whatawaytogo

But I had zero ZERO desire to ever be with a man again when I divorced my husband (and then four years later my neighbour introduced me to her brother...)

I would have been very happy on my own with my children and indeed I was!

I divorced him becuae I too didn’t want my children to see entirely loveless marriage as their experience of a marriage. If I’d known that it wouldn’t be I. Their best interest to divorce him, then I would have been absolutely fine to stay with him as a companion. Loveless but certainly financially better off.

I didn’t do it for love.
I did it becuae I didn’t want my children to live in a marriage where there was no love between there parents and I witness that day in and day out, every holiday, special occasion etc. Acutely aware that there parents were side by side despite not feeling any love for each other whatsoever.

But surely you can see that a marriage is part of your love life?

I did it becuae I didn’t want my children to live in a marriage where there was no love between there parents and I witness that day in and day out, every holiday, special occasion etc. Acutely aware that there parents were side by side despite not feeling any love for each other whatsoever

I get this completely, I think we all do! We are just saying that any romantic relationship - whether good or not - is your love life.

Bar domestic violence/safe guarding issues, ANYONE who separates/divorces with children involved is putting themselves & their happiness before that of their children, so being scantimonious about people's choices post divorce is a bit much!
And I say that as a divorced person.
Sure - a lot of children are better off with divorced parents - but most children can't actually see that until they hit late teen or adulthood.
Children can be great at moving on but most of them still cling to the ideal of a happy intact family (even if only in a small way) - so in truth ALL separation/divorce is essentially a selfish act on the part of the parents involved.
My dc are very well adjusted & have coped & recovered from their parents divorce but I know that it caused them terrible pain at the time, not helped by the fact that they never saw it coming, & I know that pain will be with them forever no matter how well it's been handled. This is something I still struggle with forgiving my exh & myself for.
I don't regret my divorce & neither does he, but I ABSOLUTELY regret not being self aware enough to have walked away from him pre kids. We were too similar personality wise but not similar enough in core values & how we wanted to live our lives & our dc have suffered for OUR mistake.

It was selfish of us to have dc under those circumstances & it was selfish of us to divorce albeit was necessary.
So to those saying "I've divorced and am doing it perfectly by now only focusing on my dc - therefore I am not selfish unlike all those other people who move on" I cry BS - you've already been selfish; the die have been cast!
And to the person still hanging out with their exh I also cry BS!

There's no better way to confuse & bewilder kids than to separate from their other parent but then insist on being best buddies & hanging out together! If everything is so great why divorce? Oh I forgot - he wasn't turning you on enough anymore.

No one here is saying you were wrong to divorce your husband @Whatawaytogo.

Just that it was about your love life. In your case, a loveless marriage that didn't meet your needs. And you didn't feel was right to raise your children in.

Similarly your lack of desire for another relationship is actually about your love life.

* Similarly your lack of desire for another relationship is actually about your love life.*

It wasn’t though.
I love sex!!
I love holding hands and kissing.

It was ALL about building a home for the children and I; and getting my head down at work.

I am confused. Really.

And we are in the same boat.

I know that the best for my children would have been for me to remain a single parent.

NOT married to their father
And 100% not in a blended family scenario (and it’s not that bad here, but would my children like it to return to just me and them - without a shadow of a doubt.

And that is what I have accepted. Hence agreeing with lasso. It’s been a difficult acceptance but it’s the trith

I grew up in divorced family

I was happiest when my parents divorced. No doubt about that. Everything better.

So I disagree that parents staying together in every scenario is better for the children.
No way in fact

I genuinely don't think anyone here is saying that it's better for children for parents to stay together no matter what. I think we all disagree with that.

The issue with what Lassy (not you!) was saying was that she was lambasting others for moving on with their lives and having a relationship as putting their love lives before their children - as if it is automatically always a bad thing for the children - whilst simultaneously saying she left her own marriage due to not feeling romantic towards her husband anymore...thereby putting her own feelings of discontent in her relationship first.

Honestly, none of us are judging anybody leaving dead relationships at all, good on you.

* Bar domestic violence/safe guarding issues, ANYONE who separates/divorces with children involved is putting themselves & their happiness before that of their children, so being scantimonious about people's choices post divorce is a bit much!*

I was responding to this.

Sorry I read that the dh had mental health condition that meant he couldn’t cope with chaos of family? And that it was an unpleasant atmosphere
Not just romance?

@Whatawaytogo If you weren't being selfish at all and were purely thinking of your kids, you would have knuckled down and either found a way to reconcile with your husband, or committed to convincingly pretending you did so they could have the conventional, nuclear family they no doubt wanted.

Again, I'm not saying that's what you should have done. When people say "selfish" on here what I read is "also thinking your own happiness matters", and I think it absolutely does. But leaving the kid's dad, succumbing to your own inability to carry on in your marriage without creating an unpleasant atmosphere for your kids, will always be a "selfish" act.

@Whatawaytogo I am not saying it's wrong to divorce - far from it.
What I'm saying is that divorce puts the parents needs first - not necessarily those of the children. Therefore the adults 'selfishness' has already come into play - it's not the moving on or blending that 'starts' the 'selfishness'.

Maybe what everyone is actually trying to say is that this holier than thou judgemental attitude is just not helpful to anyone.

People are in the circumstances they are in and are generally trying to make the best of things. That sometimes means imperfect decisions or decisions that some judgemental arsehole can come along and moralise about. It's much easier to do that than to offer support and try to help, after all. And it boosts the judger's sense of personal superiority.

The fact is that regardless of choosing to move on to another relationship or staying single, neither scenario is automatically going to be 100% positive or 100% negative for the children.
What is 100% positive for children is parents who are happy, settled and secure together. That’s the ideal and if for whatever reason that cannot be achieved, everything else that comes after is a compromise that may have any combination of positive and negative influences. Including “staying together for the sake of the kids”.
Just like anything else in life, we are only really equipped to judge our own lives/relationships/kids and decide what to do based on that.

@Youseethethingis

The fact is that regardless of choosing to move on to another relationship or staying single, neither scenario is automatically going to be 100% positive or 100% negative for the children. What is 100% positive for children is parents who are happy, settled and secure together. That’s the ideal and if for whatever reason that cannot be achieved, everything else that comes after is a compromise that may have any combination of positive and negative influences. Including “staying together for the sake of the kids”. Just like anything else in life, we are only really equipped to judge our own lives/relationships/kids and decide what to do based on that.

Well said.

I honestly saw divorcing my husband as putting my children first (and they agree)

And then putting my LIFE first.

Certainly not my love life first.

I find it sad that some seem to think that a woman divorcing her husband is about putting her love life first.

I find it sad that some seem to think that a woman divorcing her husband is about putting her love life first
The PP stated she ended the marriage because she no longer felt romantic attraction to her husband.
She was taken at her word.
Nothing sad about it.

@Whatawaytogo

I honestly saw divorcing my husband as putting my children first (and they agree)

And then putting my LIFE first.

Certainly not my love life first.

I find it sad that some seem to think that a woman divorcing her husband is about putting her love life first.

I honestly cannot fathom how you don't understand what people are saying at this point.

Your marriage is your love life. Staying in it, or ending it, is your love life. Why, when it's you, is it of such importance it becomes your "LIFE" in block capitals, but when it's other people, it's just their love life, or even more dismissively, their sex life?

Of course it's your life. The part of it that is to do with love.