Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

Sofa Personally I don't understand how a step parent can raise a child from a young age and not love them. But it seems to happen quite frequently. I am currently looking after a girl whose step dad brought her up from a toddler and then threw her out of the house when his relationship with the mother ended.
I do think it's human instinct to want to preserve resources for the children that are your own - humans are tribal. Which is why there is conflict between first and second families and resentment over time/money spent. It's not impossible to overcome it, but a lot of people seem not to want to - they don't view their step children as part of their own unit but as something outside.
So I 'get' why they feel it, while at the same time not 'getting' it because on a personal level I don't think I'd feel that way myself. I love the child in my care even though she isn't mine. But I accept that my feelings aren't complicated by her being the child of my husband's former life. But it isn't fair on the kids to risk them not being loved - they had no say. Which is why I wouldn't blend families myself.

I met my DH when his daughter was 14, 20 years later ... she's one of my best friends!

Ride it out op,things may change.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously sadly I lived with step children from a relatively young age and was unable to form any kind of bond with them as their mother forbade it. I wasn’t OW she just hated that I existed.

It lead to huge resentment on both sides and ultimately the breakdown of our marriage.

@Trunkysbun

I met my DH when his daughter was 14, 20 years later ... she's one of my best friends!

Ride it out op,things may change.

Did you have any children or go on to have children out of interest?

I'm sorry that happened to you Never. It can be tough all round I think.

I can't help it but I really dislike the step father of the girl I am now looking after. He was the only father in her life and he has behaved like a total arsehole and caused untold damage.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Sofa Personally I don't understand how a step parent can raise a child from a young age and not love them. But it seems to happen quite frequently. I am currently looking after a girl whose step dad brought her up from a toddler and then threw her out of the house when his relationship with the mother ended. I do think it's human instinct to want to preserve resources for the children that are your own - humans are tribal. Which is why there is conflict between first and second families and resentment over time/money spent. It's not impossible to overcome it, but a lot of people seem not to want to - they don't view their step children as part of their own unit but as something outside. So I 'get' why they feel it, while at the same time not 'getting' it because on a personal level I don't think I'd feel that way myself. I love the child in my care even though she isn't mine. But I accept that my feelings aren't complicated by her being the child of my husband's former life. But it isn't fair on the kids to risk them not being loved - they had no say. Which is why I wouldn't blend families myself.

Well "raised from a young age" is a strong term for the step parent's role, especially if they are with the NRP rather than the RP. Additionally, kids above baby age are not always that endearing and just become more and more challenging, and whilst some might meet their SC as babies, most don't. Them being young doesn't make them more objectively loveable unless they are VERY young, in my experience.

But my point was really the double standard. It's deemed totally acceptable for the ex to view her exes new kids as a threat to hers and resent them due to the human instinct to protect your own, but not for the SP to feel the same. In my opinion, it's acceptable to feel anything, depending on how you act. But I don't think it's right that one of those is seen as acceptable and the other isn't.

@Gogetsalife

In my twenties; this used to be one of the first questions I asked ‘do you have children’? If yes, I wouldn’t even dream of going further. So YANBU to feel this way. I know I would have. But you’re here now. I haven’t rttt; but whatever you do. Please be kind. The step children had no choice in this matter.

Really? When I was in my twenties (early forties now), it didn’t occur to me to ask that.

Was that bars / clubs and meeting for th first time?
Or was this potential love interests at work / hobbies etc?

I suppose it did t occur to me to ask because I was living and working in London.
And no man in twenties I knew had children. All career focused. As were me female friends and colleagues in twenties living and working in London

But yet on here people are still advised to LTB at the slightest issue. Abuse is obviously different before anyone starts.

This is the situation those ‘leavers’ end up in and even if they don’t their children still can if Dad meets someone new.

nor were my female... I meant to say

@Kindasup1

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

If you don't want stepchildren don't date men who are fathers.

Whining after the fact is pointless.

@Lovinglavidaloca

But yet on here people are still advised to LTB at the slightest issue. Abuse is obviously different before anyone starts.

This is the situation those ‘leavers’ end up in and even if they don’t their children still can if Dad meets someone new.

LTB doesn’t equal “and go and start a new relationship with a man with children and then blend families”

I left my husband. 5 years later, no man in sight and there bloody won’t be any man living in my children’s home until youngest left home.

So LTB doesn’t mean “hook up and start a blender family”

@Gogetsalife

It was something I would ask anyone who was clearly chatting me up. I came from an area with lots of ‘blended’ families and didn’t want to knowingly go down that road.

Ah I see. It was common in your home tow Certainly not amongst twenties living and working in London!

No of course not but it often does!

And even if you don’t your ex can and your children still end up in the same situation.

It's deemed totally acceptable for the ex to view her exes new kids as a threat to hers and resent them due to the human instinct to protect your own, but not for the SP to feel the same. In my opinion, it's acceptable to feel anything, depending on how you act. But I don't think it's right that one of those is seen as acceptable and the other isn't

You’re comparing apples with pears, it’s not the same thing. Not by a long shot. The fundamental difference is a step parent makes a choice to be in a child’s life and needs to accept that being in a relationship with their parent means there will be competing demands on essential resources - mainly time and money. The other parent has no say at all in now his/her ex spends their time and money. That is where the concern and desire to protect comes from - the unknown and the uncontrollable. Choice is the fundamental difference. You can’t choose to be a part of someone’s life and then be resentful of their existence.

@Kindasup1

Yeah if I could go back I'd probably think twice.I love my husband and believe he's my soul mate and love our little family. But at times the crap that goes with being in a blended family tests this to the max

I know exactly what you mean

sofa I guess the difference comes from the step parent having chosen to get into a relationship with someone who had DC and the ex wife had no say. So the ex wife has no moral obligation to care about her ex's new family (particularly since she probably never sees them) but a step mum does because she sees the ex wife's children and partially lives with them. And embarked on a relationship knowing they existed.
I do see that a step parent might not bond with children they met later in life and don't live with. Or where the mum blocks any sort of relationship. It's very sad for the kids though to spend time in a home where a key adult doesn't really care about them.

It’s why I turned down a date with an incredibly gorgeous man many years ago. He had two primary aged children and I just didn’t want to ever get serious and g down that step parent road. I would imagine some men also feel the same about women with dc.

[quote Tiredoftattler]@Mumbo1234
You maybe cannot help with whom you " fall for", but you can absolutely control with whom you reproduce or marry. There are no accidental marriages and should be very few accidental pregnancies.

Life does not just happen to people. What happens to Isis based largely upon the decisions that we make.[/quote]

Well said!

You’re comparing apples with pears, it’s not the same thing. Not by a long shot. The fundamental difference is a step parent makes a choice to be in a child’s life and needs to accept that being in a relationship with their parent means there will be competing demands on essential resources - mainly time and money. The other parent has no say at all in now his/her ex spends their time and money. That is where the concern and desire to protect comes from - the unknown and the uncontrollable. Choice is the fundamental difference. You can’t choose to be a part of someone’s life and then be resentful of their existence.

And yet it's totally ok for the ex to actively resent the new children, purely because she didn't have a choice in the matter? The main reasons given why it is totally unacceptable for a SP to harbour any kind of negative feelings are that they WILL be unable to hide them and the kids WILL notice. I don't think the fact that the ex didn't have as much choice as the SP excuses that, if you take it as fact.

I’m sure a lot of kids would agree with you.