Secretly wish DH didn't have DSD and had a nuclear family

[Kindasup1]

Feel awful for thinking it but I can't help but reflect and think life would be easier if our family set up was nuclear, no drama with exes and Co parenting, different rules for different houses and just a simple family life where we could parent our kids as mum and dad . Has anyone ever reflected and thought this?

All the talk of equality is rubbish , in non blended families does everyone seriously treat all their children exactly the same , I know we never have . My mum and sister often took just one child away on holiday / on days out and equally I’ve taken just one of the two away or out somewhere . I’ve never felt the need to ‘make it up’ to the other one .

@Floralnomad

All the talk of equality is rubbish , in non blended families does everyone seriously treat all their children exactly the same , I know we never have . My mum and sister often took just one child away on holiday / on days out and equally I’ve taken just one of the two away or out somewhere . I’ve never felt the need to ‘make it up’ to the other one .

Indeed! And they're at different ages so my mum and sister have taken mine out separately and together, sometimes one's present is more costly, etc etc.

This expectation either of parents or Ex partners that stepgrandchildren are treated the same as biological grandchildren is quite ridiculous.

It may happen in some families, but it shouldn't be an expectation or a demand.

@AmandaHoldensLips

I don't understand how or why anyone, man or woman, would want to have children with someone who is already a parent. It's a really bad idea, totally selfish, and the ultimate betrayal of the child/ren who are already born.

"The ultimate betrayal"?

Once they are adults it's fine, we can attend events together etc. Dps dd is lovely and very thoughtful which helps. 2 of ours have sn which has its challenges but ex is quite happy for us all to be equal

"first" children very often feel betrayed and pushed out - as though they were a mistake and the parent is now going on to create a better version of family. Lots of first set children get left behind in favour of the "new" children.

Yes of course there are happy instances of where it all works out, but more often than not, it doesn't.

A child having siblings isn’t a betrayal towards them at all. Yes, that includes half siblings too.

I think it's just so sad that so many children these days are born and then their parents split up then have to grow up with all this conflict surrounding them

I guess at 24 you were young and naive to realise what a responsibility you were taking on, and it is just that, you need to be a parent of sorts with them too and be kind and fair with all the shit that goes on in the background

It's a shame the mum can't be sensible and tell the step child that their half siblings other nana is taking them away and explain rather than kick off like a dick head, but I guess some people are like that

@AmandaHoldensLips

I don't understand how or why anyone, man or woman, would want to have children with someone who is already a parent. It's a really bad idea, totally selfish, and the ultimate betrayal of the child/ren who are already born.

While it's not something I would do, I think your view is quite extreme.

Some kids are quite happy to have more siblings and there are many happy step and blended families.

I don't so much think it's a choice, that someone says I'm looking for a partner who has kids already. The people I know IRL who have gotten with a man who already has kids,are older and their chances of finding a man without kids is slim.

These men would also not choose them as a first wife, because they're older and fertility issues are highly likely.

So whilst I wouldn't advise a friend to be with a man with kids...if she's 40 plus, then she doesn't have the options younger women do.

That's why I'm astounded by posts from young women....early 20s, settling for the baggage of a man with kids and an Ex. Even if the Ex is not a psycho, I wouldn't be up for it.

That's why I'm astounded by posts from young women....early 20s, settling for the baggage of a man with kids and an Ex. Even if the Ex is not a psycho, I wouldn't be up for it.

Me neither but it takes some experience of life to fathom all that. A young woman will have romantic ideas.

My DSD has proudly made a photo of DS her screensaver on her phone. She loves him and he loves her.
I don’t think she feels betrayed by his existence. She’s never going to have a sibling from her mum so I think she’s very happy he was born thanks very much

@Youseethethingis

My DSD has proudly made a photo of DS her screensaver on her phone. She loves him and he loves her. I don’t think she feels betrayed by his existence. She’s never going to have a sibling from her mum so I think she’s very happy he was born thanks very much

My DSS watches a video we sent him of DD every day. Certainly no betrayal there.

@AmandaHoldensLips

I don't understand how or why anyone, man or woman, would want to have children with someone who is already a parent. It's a really bad idea, totally selfish, and the ultimate betrayal of the child/ren who are already born.

Oh, the drama! If you feel so strongly, bullet proof your marriage so that your children never have to face this situation! (Ahem, I'm not being entirely serious here...)

@Youseethethingis

My DSD has proudly made a photo of DS her screensaver on her phone. She loves him and he loves her. I don’t think she feels betrayed by his existence. She’s never going to have a sibling from her mum so I think she’s very happy he was born thanks very much

Let me guess Your DS is a baby or toddler?

Betrayal? That’s another SM bingo card right there!

What utter nonsense. But with mothers of ‘first’ children who think that way, it’s easier to see why the ‘first’ children end up troubled/ manipulated/ acting up. Children will adapt and quite simply take their lead from the adults around them. If the arrival of a new baby in an exp’s home is met with support, understanding and a lack of drama then the children will adapt.
If however arrival of said baby is met by an exw howling and wailing about how it has betrayed her precious one(s), then it’s highly likely that the ‘precious ones’ will howl and wail and tantrum too.

Honestly. Some women.

That's why I'm astounded by posts from young women....early 20s, settling for the baggage of a man with kids and an Ex. Even if the Ex is not a psycho, I wouldn't be up for it.

I was 19 when I met my ex, and 20 when we got together. He was 25 with a 4 year old. I was definitely naive.
I’m in my 30s now and avoid men with children like the plague.

Let me guess
Your DS is a baby or toddler?
Let me guess, it’s all fine now but the minute he hits school age DSD is scheduled for a wave of feeling betrayed?

If however arrival of said baby is met by an exw howling and wailing about how it has betrayed her precious one(s), then it’s highly likely that the ‘precious ones’ will howl and wail and tantrum too.

Exactly! I often think mums who act like this are the ones who are causing the problems for their children, nobody else. That applies to lots of things, such as the ex in the op’s post kicking up a fuss about the op’s ds going on holiday. Her child will pick up on this and will inevitably feel sad if mum is making a big massive fuss about how horrible it is that she isn’t going too.
Same when a sibling is born. If the mum is negative about it in front of the children then of course the children are going to think their sibling is a bad thing.

Sometimes I do think these things are all about how the mum feels. A reasonable adult would agree that a child having different mums means different opportunities and that’s just the way it is. But some mums just want their child to have absolutely everything from everybody and that’s where the problem lies. With themselves.
When my ex’s ex wife was angry that I sometimes did things with my own children and not hers too at the same time, that was all about her feelings being hurt. Dsc knew full well they had lots of lovely opportunities with their own mum, and that’s what the ex should have remembered instead of thinking it was all unfair on her child. It was very draining and annoying.

@Mumbo1234
You maybe cannot help with whom you " fall for", but you can absolutely control with whom you reproduce or marry. There are no accidental marriages and should be very few accidental pregnancies.

Life does not just happen to people. What happens to Isis based largely upon the decisions that we make.

Mumbo1234 Sat 17-Apr-21 18:28:40
I don’t think naivety or romanticism, sometimes you can’t help who you fall for.
......
I can't disagree with that, I've said it myself. Heart will rule head. However the being in love doesn't always last and reality kicks in.

@funinthesun19 I never heard (refused to listen to any nonsense from her) if my exes EXW had an issue with where I holidayed with my Dc (why would she even know?).

The person who took issue with the holidays I took my children on was my exp. I took a few very nice breaks with my DC a few years ago (pre covid) and he at one point said ‘my DC will wonder why they’re not being taken.’

To which I responded. Well firstly if that’s a concern don’t tell them. And secondly if you want them to be taken, take them yourself. I don’t have a monopoly on city breaks. The issue it started to boil down to was affordability and flexibility. The notion that I should be thinking about his children when planning my holidays with my children blew my mind.

When I started doing completely separate planning with zero crossover holidays (aside from potentially a long weekend), he wasn’t happy.