Settle an argument for me please?

[PradaBallbag]

It's been ages since I posted on this board but here goes. Have been married for 3 years, both on second marriages. Husband has a 14yo son who stays 3 nights per week. I have an 18yo daughter who lives here full time.

We had a silly row this morning which culminated in him saying he was going out for the day to get out of the house. I said in that case please take SS with you as he's here to see you, not me. (He's due to go home tonight). This resulted in a rant about if that's the case then I shouldn't be going out when my daughter's here.

I pointed out that the two things are entirely different as my daughter lives here and his son visits HIM for contact. But apparently that means that I'm not affording his son the same privileges as I give to my daughter.

We have this row over and over and I feel like he expects something from me in relation to his kids that I can't give. He wants them to have an equal place in my thoughts and heart as my own daughter does. (There is also an older son who is 20 and away at uni).

I don't know how we resolve this - is he being unreasonable?

Your dc is an adult and doesn't need a parent around.. His dc is a minor. Nowt to do with living arrangements.
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Yes he is. You are correct; DSS visits to see his DF. If you weren’t there he’d have to actually see to DSS himself.

He thought the culmination of an argument was going to be him going out for the day on his own and you being forced into doing the parenting grunt work for him? Good one. Did he by any chance engineer this argument?

So his son can only be in the house if his dad is? You don't see it as also his home?

If his son is 14 then he is probably old enough to be left in the house alone and look after himself. If he was younger and needed looking after I'd say he should go with dad.

It does suck a bit that he doesn't want to spend time with his son but at that age children often just do their own thing anyway.

@MichelleScarn

So his son can only be in the house if his dad is? You don't see it as also his home?

Frankly, if we weren't together his son wouldn't be coming here. It's that simple in my head. If my husband was away for work, for example, he wouldn't come to stay. It's his home while he's staying here. But he doesn't live here. That's the distinction I can't get my husband to see.

@PandaFluff

If his son is 14 then he is probably old enough to be left in the house alone and look after himself. If he was younger and needed looking after I'd say he should go with dad.

I would see it as DSS is visiting his Dad who whilst he may get to flounce off from the OP he doesn't get to flounce off from his son.

sorry @PandaFluff it wasn't yours I was replying to, don't know what happened there!

Yeah, he’s being unreasonable, it’s his contact time with his son and he’s effectively cancelling that because you’ve had a row.

I'm going to offer a balanced objective response.

It's a bit foolish of him to go away for the day when his son is there to see him.

However, 14 is not the age you'd have to look after and provide care. It's his home when he's there for visitation and unless his father doesn't contribute to the household, then he has a right to be there.

Even though he's there to see his dad, most kids his age would probably be playing games or something anyway.

I would have possibly said, "I'll be going out myself at some point and DSS will be here alone"

I don't think there was a need to bring your DD into it, but I absolutely think his DS can be there when his dad isn't, as long as he is not expecting or relying on you to do stuff for him.

I guess it depends if you see it as visiting dad or going to his 2nd home. If you would leave your daughter to fend for herself at 14 then SS should be treated the same IMO. It's a bit sad that dad doesn't want to take son with him but maybe son just wants a day around the house chilling. You could go out and see some friends for a walk or something?

Cross-posted. @SandyY2K said it better.

I get what you are saying OP and if your husband was away for overnight or a couple of days I would expect him to rearrange contact so maybe I'm a bit contradictory in my views! At the same time unless your husband doesn't own your home then I would see it as his second home. You shouldn't be expected to do anything to look after him though

I get your point @SandyY2K, I guess I was trying to stress that it's not fair on his son if he buggers off all day when he's only here 3 days a week. I'm not saying he can't ever go out at all when his son is here.

And the house is mine, if that matters.

@PradaBallbag

I get your point *@SandyY2K*, I guess I was trying to stress that it's not fair on his son if he buggers off all day when he's only here 3 days a week. I'm not saying he can't ever go out at all when his son is here.

I agree with you there. You'd think he would want to spend time with his son even if it was just being in the house to allow for those fleeting conversations in-between whatever it is DSS is doing.

I would say if your daughter were younger then he would have a point, but given their ages probably not. You might get the odd 14 year old who would be absolutely no bother, but I don't think this can be taken as a given. A lot of 14 year old's will be messy/expect lunch/follow you around. Common sense needs to be applied depending on the child in question.

How do you think the son would feel if his dad went out for the day without him?

I wouldn’t expect him and his son to be joined at the hip during contact, particularly with him being a teenager. He should be able to be left unsupervised safely. So say if his df was going out for an hour or so running an errand etc that ds would find boring I wouldn’t expect him to go with his father.
However that’s a completely different thing to his father leaving him for the entire day, it’s 1/3 of his contact time. The end result of this could be his son not choosing to spend time with him.
Also it’s different to your dd she’s an adult and this is her home - she’s not there to spend time with you.

@Berthatydfil that's exactly how I see it - thanks. The issue is he sees that as his son not being equal in this house.

@PradaBallbag - do you feel like you have to stay at home with his son ? For example to keep him company or to make sure he has food or drinks?
Or possibly you don’t feel comfortable leaving him for too long?
I wonder if him going out is a way of punishing you if you feel obliged to stay home with him. ?

How does his son seem to be in himself if his father leaves for an extended period or goes off to do stuff without him?

Sorry but I think this very sad. Your OH is at your house almost 50% of the time but he is not expected to feel at home?

At 14, he can stay home alone, so if he was at his dad and his dad went somewhere, he would be able to stay there, in his home.

If after 3 years, you still consider the joint home as yours to the extent that you SS can't stay when his father is it home, there's something quite wrong with your marriage.

I’m not sure why you’re fighting over the 14 year old like this. Anyone can leave a 14 year old alone in a house - there wouldn’t be any need for you to take care of him.

I agree it’s a bit foolish for his dad to flounce off for the day without him. But at 14 he might not want a day out with dad. It’s all your husband’s issue anyway.

I’d just get on with my day really.

It’s different if the child is younger. I now utterly refuse to look after the DSC for my husband. He isn’t going on bike rides etc and leaving them with me. They’re 4 and 7. They need looking after. They’re here to see him do he can bloody well look after them. If he’s not willing to spend this amount of time looking after his children, then he needs to think about how much contact he actually wants with them. It’s not up to me to do all the work so he can pretend to himself and the world that he had them for more time.

Obviously this comes after much taking the piss and crap behaviour. But as a principle it stands: they are here to see him.

If they were 14 and 17, I wouldn’t care. It’d be up to him whether he spends time with them or not. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DH was prone to dropping DSS off at our house on Saturday mornings, then heading off to work for the day, leaving me with DSS. It drove me up the wall, I called it access by proxy. DH used to insist DSS wasn’t doing any harm (and he wasn’t, to be fair) but it used to ruin my Saturday. I couldn’t relax with him in the house, but didn’t feel I could leave him either, he was prone to running a bath and forgetting the taps were running etc etc.

But DH’s definition of access was removing DSS from the ex’s home as per the ex’s instructions and it was of no importance if they didn’t spend time together. I don’t miss those days.