Settle an argument for me please?

[PradaBallbag]

It's been ages since I posted on this board but here goes. Have been married for 3 years, both on second marriages. Husband has a 14yo son who stays 3 nights per week. I have an 18yo daughter who lives here full time.

We had a silly row this morning which culminated in him saying he was going out for the day to get out of the house. I said in that case please take SS with you as he's here to see you, not me. (He's due to go home tonight). This resulted in a rant about if that's the case then I shouldn't be going out when my daughter's here.

I pointed out that the two things are entirely different as my daughter lives here and his son visits HIM for contact. But apparently that means that I'm not affording his son the same privileges as I give to my daughter.

We have this row over and over and I feel like he expects something from me in relation to his kids that I can't give. He wants them to have an equal place in my thoughts and heart as my own daughter does. (There is also an older son who is 20 and away at uni).

I don't know how we resolve this - is he being unreasonable?

@LolaSmiles
Is it really that hard to think that one party to an argument might want to get out of the house to clear their head? Putting some space between you and the party with whom you had an argument hardly seems to be storming out.

Given that the argument moved to the point of some fairly nonsensical statements about the kids access to the house, it did not sound as though any effective communication was taking place.

The other occupants of the house are 14 and 20 , both the OP and the husband could easily have gone off to clear their heads without being concerned about leaving either of the other occupants alone in the house.

The OP wants her opinion/statement validated , but neither of their responses really seem particularly appropriate given the ages of the household occupants.

Tiredoftattler
Going to clear their head, absolutely and I'd agree with you. That's reasonable and healthy.

Deciding they're going out for the day because they're in a mood after an argument, whilst expecting the person they've been arguing with to remain responsible for a 14 year old, not reasonable in my opinion.

Equally, saying "yeah well take your child with you" is also unreasonable and feels like point scoring.

As I've said there's no reason a 14 year old shouldn't be able to be at his dad's when he lives there almost half the week, but a parent going out for a day because they've had a row with their partner is unreasonable.

@LolaSmiles
Children aside, what is unreasonable about a parent or partner leaving the home for the day after an argument, and by day I'm assuming he means 5 or 6 hours as opposed to over night.

What would have been gained by 2 people staying around to continue engaging in an argument or remaining in an environment that had become hostile?

Obviously, this is not a couple given to effective modes of communication.

@LolaSmiles Completely agree with what you're saying. I understand the point about her response being point scoring, but honestly would have said similar in the same circumstances, but in an attempt to highlight to my partner that he actually isn't in a position to leave and should stay, not because I seriously expected him to take his son with him. The bottom line is he should not have made the decision to go, certainly not for a full day.

@LolaSmiles

I never got the impression that the OP''s partner was expecting her to hang around to take care of his son. Nothing has been said to suggest that the 14 year old required any care from the OP.

What would have been gained by 2 people staying around to continue engaging in an argument or remaining in an environment that had become hostile?

Surely you don't continue the argument, you put it aside until your kids are out of the way?

Tiredoftattler
The children element matters though. When we have kids, we lose the ability to walk off for 6 hours because we had an argument with our romantic partner.
By walking off for a day what he is actually saying is "I know we have argued but I'm going to have me time, so you can hold the fort at home and have responsibility for any children". A 14 year old is still a child and there's a world of difference between going to do a hobby for a few hours with your partner agreeing to be the adult at home/close by, going to clear your head because you acknowledge that following an argument you need to calm down, and just disappearing off and walking out of your parenting responsibilities because you're either assuming your partner will deal with your child, or you think your 14 year old doesn't require looking after.

aSofaNearYou
I agree with you. It was a cheap shot, but one that came after her other half decided to act like a moody child and walk out. A 14 year old doesn't have to be glued to his dad and is fine to chill at his dad's house, but that does make it OK for his dad to act like this.

I never got the impression that the OP''s partner was expecting her to hang around to take care of his son. Nothing has been said to suggest that the 14 year old required any care from the OP.
Is it typical for parents to get themselves into a bad mood and walk out for the day without paying any attention to their child's needs or who is there for them?
It's not in my circles, but maybe we are all weird. Most people I know communicate with their partners and teens rather than unilaterally taking themselves off for the day.

I think obviously if dad were nipping out for an hour or something similar then SS shouldn't have to be with him on every occasion. However if he's going for the whole day because of a row then yes I'd be saying the same!

His argument about your daughter is still she's an adult and has residency that home so he's just throwing stones

@LolaSmiles
Many parents leave 14 year olds alone when they go to work on weekend days. Many parents will leave a 14 year old alone at home when they take younger kids on a day outing to the zoo or some other kiddie activities.

Most parents keep enough food in the house so that a 14 year old child can muster up eats. Most 14 year olds have cell phones and can reach out to their parent or parents if need be.

It is hardly a sign of irresponsible parenting to leave a 14 year old who is not disabled or developmentally delayed alone in a home for a few hours or even a normal 8 hour work day.

Tbh, I think it would be a sign of parental negligence to have not adequately prepared a normal functioning 14 year old to be capable of being self sufficient for a few hours.

What is there in the information that we have been given to suggest that the father has not adequately prepared his 14 year old to be capable of managing on his own for a day or that the father expected the OP to take care of his son?

There is s reasonable chance that if the son heard the arguing he might have been relieved to think that one or both of the adults were leaving the house for a while.

I can't imagine that kids find it to be a pleasant experience to have the adults arguing in the house

@Tiredoftattler that really does very little to address the fact that abruptly leaving because you are furious after an argument is NOT the same as going to work or on a planned outing. That sort of behaviour is surely worrying and upsetting to a child. I feel like I usually give kids a lot more credit in terms of emotional maturity than most people on here, but I would not consider that appropriate.

Tiredoftattler
And yet none of those examples involve just walking out on a 14 year old for a day because the parent is in a bad mood.

Not once have I said a 14 year old can't be alone.

My issue is that a responsible parent doesn't just walk off without any consideration to the fact they have a child.

A 14 year old who is alone during the day whilst their parent is at work knows what time their parent will be back, probably has a way of contacting the parent and knows what is happening.
A 14 year old left on their own because their parent has had a row with their romantic partner and walked out doesn't know where the parent is, doesn't know what time the parent is going to return and is just left to do their own thing unless they want to take a chance ringing the parent after they've stormed out and are clearly in a foul mood.

Clearly we disagree though.

Well he's fucked off out now again because apparently he can't be in the same house as me. God knows where he's gone. I was trying to smooth things over all evening but apparently I don't make his kids welcome. I extended my sodding house to make room for them all. I don't know what else he wants from me. Have had enough.

I agree with your OH I'm afraid. DSS should be able to treat his dad's home as home too. It's not relevant who owns the house, you have welcomed DP into the house and his son is part of the package deal. You should not have to do childcare but a 14 year old can be left alone so I think what you said was not really on tbh.

He sounds like hardwork.

OP, I think perhaps the most accurate thing that either of you have said is your statement that you " don't know what else he wants from you."

I think the statements, responses , and reactions on both your parts indicate that you each know how to argue but neither of you know how to communicate.

If you want to save your marriage in a manner that works for both of you, maybe it would be a good idea to seek counseling or communication help. It seems that you both talk but neither of you really hears or understands what the other is saying.

If there are any positives worth saving in your marriage , only you and your husband can decide if you want to put the effort into learning to e communicate effectively.

OP - do you expect more of him that you give in terms of his relationship with his daughter? ie for him to be a father figure for her? and consider her as much as his boys?

@Sunshineboo

OP - do you expect more of him that you give in terms of his relationship with his daughter? ie for him to be a father figure for her? and consider her as much as his boys?

No. I never asked that of him. If he chose to give it, that's on him.

I dunno I kind of understand why your husband might be upset.

Although you own the house, do you consider it a shared home? Is it your husbands home? If so it’s not fair to expect your husband to allow his son access freely to his home regardless of if he is there or not.

The issue with him going out without it son seems odd too. It’s be different if it were a small child but a 14 year old can look after themselves and grab a snack if they need it.

I feel like there are bigger issues here underlying.

Did you ever leave your daughter in the house with your husband before she was 18 and technically an adult? If so, YABU.

Regardless of who owns the house, it's both yours and your husband's home. That means his son has exactly the same right to it as your daughter.

OP, is it possible that the 2 of you have worked to provide a house without ever making it a home? A house is s structure but a home is an environment in which their is a welcoming place for everyone.

@PradaBallbag

And the house is mine, if that matters.

"It's always that last line"

OP presumably your partner wouldn't choose to live with your DD if he wasn't in a relationship with you. And he has to live with her full time not just a few days.

I remember a divorced male friend saying about his girlfriend - 'why would I want to live with her kids full time when I don't get to be with my own children full time.'

I think it was unreasonable for him to want to flounce off for the whole day but you are expecting him to live full time with your daughter. So I'm with him on this one.

I hate to say it but if you’ve been married three years, it’s your house, and you’ve had enough, I’d be doing some quick thinking before this marriage is long enough that all of a sudden it’s not just your house.

For me it is the whole day thing I'd be pissed about. Going out for an hour or two to cool off is OK but not all day without his ds. His ds is there to see him. They don't have to be glued at the hip but he is there for contact which should include contact with his dad.

Out of interest, would he have come to visit if he knew his dad would be gone all day?