Settle an argument for me please?

[PradaBallbag]

It's been ages since I posted on this board but here goes. Have been married for 3 years, both on second marriages. Husband has a 14yo son who stays 3 nights per week. I have an 18yo daughter who lives here full time.

We had a silly row this morning which culminated in him saying he was going out for the day to get out of the house. I said in that case please take SS with you as he's here to see you, not me. (He's due to go home tonight). This resulted in a rant about if that's the case then I shouldn't be going out when my daughter's here.

I pointed out that the two things are entirely different as my daughter lives here and his son visits HIM for contact. But apparently that means that I'm not affording his son the same privileges as I give to my daughter.

We have this row over and over and I feel like he expects something from me in relation to his kids that I can't give. He wants them to have an equal place in my thoughts and heart as my own daughter does. (There is also an older son who is 20 and away at uni).

I don't know how we resolve this - is he being unreasonable?

He's in the wrong for flouncing off for the day, leaving you to pick up the pieces. Even though a 14 and 18 year old can take care of themselves, it would be pretty unpleasant and uncomfortable for them if you flounced off for the day too. Having both parents disappear after an argument is not the same as staying at home while your parents go to the garden centre or to a BBQ.

I can see his point though. Your DSS isn't visiting him for contact, he lives there half of the time. It is his home. You clearly don't think that. He doesn't "have an equal place in your thoughts" as you put it.

Oh dear. I think he's missing the point op. Contact is for dh to spend time with his child, not joined at the hip time, but time.
If he strops off for a whole day then it isn't fair on his son and may make everyone uncomfortable.
My dp did this a lot and made arenagkent maybe 2 years ago for the 3 dsc to come over Easter extra to contact schedule because his exw asked. I was wfh and our own toddler was in paid childcare. I said no it doesn't work he said he'd agree and it didn't effect me if they came. I lost my rag and did NOTHING during that contact. Are aged to work from a family members, did zero cooking, zero watching them as primary age and zero tidying or washing. He asked a lot and I said no it doesn't effect me remember. He also assumed I'd watch them while wfh so he couldn't work during those day either.
He's never ever done it again and I think the lesson was learned about how much I do for them.
I would never dream of making plans about our own joint ds without running them past dp as its his home/child and its respectful.
It is your dsc home as well but your partner should respect both you and his child enough not to run off for the day in a sulk

If stepson is at your house three nights week, that is practically half a week, so he isn’t actually ‘staying’ there, but is ‘living’ there. I think that makes a difference.

Most 14 year olds don’t spend the day with their dad, unless they have a mutual hobby. You say stepson visits for contact. It’s as if you resent him coming. Half a week is more than just contact, but a living arrangement.

I think the problem is how you view the visits - you see stepson as a guest, whilst dh sees him as someone who lives with you part-time. Also, you feel that dh should spend ‘quality time’ with stepson, whilst in reality teenagers don’t want or need that.

@Coffeepot72

DH was prone to dropping DSS off at our house on Saturday mornings, then heading off to work for the day, leaving me with DSS. It drove me up the wall, I called it access by proxy. DH used to insist DSS wasn’t doing any harm (and he wasn’t, to be fair) but it used to ruin my Saturday. I couldn’t relax with him in the house, but didn’t feel I could leave him either, he was prone to running a bath and forgetting the taps were running etc etc.

But DH’s definition of access was removing DSS from the ex’s home as per the ex’s instructions and it was of no importance if they didn’t spend time together. I don’t miss those days.

I think access by proxy is a good term. It’s very annoying.

Tbh if he's there 3 days, then it's almost 50/50. Nobody would say his mum can't go out on one day during the 4 days she has him. When my DC were that age, there could be days they surfaced from their rooms for food, or they'd be in our kids TV room on their own.

As long as there's no neglect and I expect any normal functioning 14 yo, would be fine withouthis dad, who was presumably there on the previous 2 days.

14 year olds have been left alone to do online learning during the pandemic, while their parents were at work.

I think the issue here is that you had a row and weren't in the best of moods. Your DH probably wanted to escape the unpleasant atmosphere that is present after a row.

I can see there are mixed opinions. He ended up taking him out with him but making a big point of him giving me space in the house. But I was going out anyway to see my mum.

I guess the main point I'm trying to address is that he thinks things are unequal because his son is only here part time, and that I don't treat him in the same way a I treat my daughter.

I think the issue here is that you had a row and weren't in the best of moods. Your DH probably wanted to escape the unpleasant atmosphere that is present after a row.

I think this is part of what would annoy me, actually. It's tough having to put a face on and pretend to be in a good mood after an argument for the sake of kids in the house. It would irritate me to be left to do that, especially with a SC.

You own your house. Your daughter lives there - it's her home. He wants to go out for the day and leave you to look after his son? I agree with you - his son is there to see him - he should take him out for the day, too.

OP, court usage of the term " Visitation " not withstanding ," minor children are not guests or visitors in the home/s provided by their parents.

You may own the house in the same sense that a landlord owns rental property, but as long as your husband is paying his mutually agreed upon share of the household expenses then he is entitled to full usage of the property.

A 14 year old child who is neither disabled or developmentally challenged should be perfectly capable of looking after himself for several hours. It is not at all uncommon for a 14 year old to be left alone in his or her home.

You and your husband are both in the wrong. It is not his place to question your daughter 's presence in the home; nor should you be objecting to his management of time with his 14 year old absent his expecting you to assume some responsibility for the child.

Choosing to provide space and distance after an argument can be a wise choice. It gives both of you time to cool off and wind down.

Many 14 year olds would choose to entertain themselves with electronic devices and probably not even be aware of dad's absence.

You and your husband seem to have chosen to engage in a meaningless argument for which their is no meaningful solution. Neither his child nor your daughter presence causes any major issues and neither of you are any better positioned as a result of this argument. This would be a win without any game having taken place.

I might be missing the point but given you are married and its over 3 years, doesn't he have a claim on the house now if you were to part? so is it feasible to still call it your house when its now a marital asset? This maybe how he is seeing it and doesn't see why his son should have free and open access.

*shouldn't

@Limalama

I might be missing the point but given you are married and its over 3 years, doesn't he have a claim on the house now if you were to part? so is it feasible to still call it your house when its now a marital asset? This maybe how he is seeing it and doesn't see why his son should have free and open access.

He does have free access - I'm not disputing that. The point is, if my husband wasn't here, he wouldn't come. The way he dragged my daughter into it and how I treat her differently pissed me off. Of course I treat her differently - she's my child.

that's not what I mean. You see it as your house but isn't it the marital home? If you divorced your husband would have a claim on it. So he may be thinking this way rather than looking at it from a perspective of facilitating contact with his child. Do you see the difference?

I'm playing devils advocate here.

I do see the difference @Limalama, but that wasn't really the original point of my post. Someone asked me whose house it was and I answered that question.

*A 14 year old child who is neither disabled or developmentally challenged should be perfectly capable of looking after himself for several hours. It is not at all uncommon for a 14 year old to be left alone in his or her home.

You and your husband are both in the wrong. It is not his place to question your daughter 's presence in the home; nor should you be objecting to his management of time with his 14 year old absent his expecting you to assume some responsibility for the child.

Choosing to provide space and distance after an argument can be a wise choice. It gives both of you time to cool off and wind down.*

Just because a 14 year old COULD look after themselves for several hours, doesn't necessarily mean they would if there was an adult there. There could still be "what's for lunch", not cleaning up after themselves, etc.

I think this very heavily depends on the habits and behaviour of the 14 year old in question. They don't all sit in their bedrooms all day and fend for themselves.

I agree that space and distance after an argument can be a wise choice, but that is exactly why it should have been him that afforded her space, rather than the other way around.

I actually think you are wrong on this OP. His son is old enough that he doesn't need watching so he should be able to go out and leave him in the house. Yes he's there for contact with his dad but the house his is home when he's there.

I get that you might have to cook for him, in which case you might have an argument on that, but if you would cook lunch for you and your daughter anyway then surely you can do that... unless it's a regular thing whereby you end up running around after his son.

yes but perspective is the key as to why the argument escalated. You may have started out asking a question in your OP but the answers you give enable those outside the situation to see what the stress triggers might be.

You are not on the same page as to the marital home vs your house.

@ElderMillennial

I get that you might have to cook for him, in which case you might have an argument on that, but if you would cook lunch for you and your daughter anyway then surely you can do that... unless it's a regular thing whereby you end up running around after his son.

I don't cook lunch for my daughter. She helps herself to whatever she fancies.

A 14yo is old enough to be home alone so there is no reason he needs to leave with his Dad. If he were a younger child, then yes, dad would need to make sure his child was properly supervised.

So are you saying DH leaves him with you and you are expecting to cook for him?

If that's occasional I think that's acceptable as he is your stepson but otherwise DH should be mindful of expecting you to look after his son

Then again maybe he can make himself a sandwich if he gets hungry?

The point is, if my husband wasn't here, he wouldn't come
Yes, if he came eow, or you oh was away every Saturday, but he is here almost 50% of the time and this was exceptional circumstances.

It sounds like tou wanted to punish your OH by telling him to take his DS.

You and your husband are both in the wrong. It is not his place to question your daughter 's presence in the home; nor should you be objecting to his management of time with his 14 year old absent his expecting you to assume some responsibility for the child.

I agree with this. Both kids have an equal right to be there, with or without their respective parents.

It's SSs home for 3 days a week. He doesn't need to be glued to his dad the whole time.

I agree that space and distance after an argument can be a wise choice, but that is exactly why it should have been him that afforded her space, rather than the other way around.

Space is both parties being apart, whether in or out of the home. I'm not seeing where he's at fault from what you've said or should he have told her to leave?

It sounds like you wanted to punish your OH by telling him to take his DS.

That was my first impression too.

Space is both parties being apart, whether in or out of the home. I'm not seeing where he's at fault from what you've said or should he have told her to leave?

Sorry I should have clarified. Space to clear your head is hard to utilise when you are watching a kid and having to pretend everything's ok for their sake. That in itself can be really hard. This is a bug bear of mine and something I have taken issue with from my DP before, and that's with our shared DD. It would annoy me more with a step child.

Of course, that does entirely depend on what kind of kid the step son is. So if he's the kind of kid you barely know is there, who spends all his time in his bedroom, cooks and cleans up for himself, and wouldn't require interaction from OP, then fine. But if he isn't, then yes I think his dad should have taken him with him, suggested OP go out instead, or accepted that he wasn't able to go out and get space because he needed to watch his kid.